Friday, September 3, 2004

The Fabulous Belding Brother

Sorry to say, this IS THE VERY LAST Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day for the summer. Thanks to everybody for reading these - I hope you had as much fun as I did! I could put these somewhere on the site so they last forever. Is there interest in that?

Anyway, on with the show:

So today the class is going on a class trip to Yosemite Sam National Park with Mr. Belding! That is, only if they all can pass mean Mr. Dickerson's History midterm! Not only is this test hard (it seems to cover all of history from AT LEAST the US Civil War to World War 1 and no one has passed it in 3 years!) - Mr. Dickerson's spirit can detach from his physical body and enter text books, Magic Johnson posters, and even TV's (where he is prone to rapping)!

Conveniently for the gang and the plot, Mr. Dickerson has an unexplained off-camera nervous breakdown all of sudden and the studly but irresponsible (how is that combination possible?) Rod Belding subs for him! This gives Mr. Belding a chance to ACT which makes me giddy.

Then there is nonsense and white water rafting and CPR and Slater in the most ridiculously skimpy outdoorswear I have ever seen! Seriously, he looks he got fired from the "Great Outdoors Spectacular" at Chippendale's for dressing too flamboyantly. So awesome. Plus, we learn that Zack pronunces of the word stewardess in this super weird way (stew-ard-ESS) that has cracked me up since I was twelve.

Today's Quote

Screech: "I don't need a girl to keep me warm. Mom's packed three pairs of long johns - with a padlock on the trap to keep the bears out!

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

I'm SO glad we're ending with this, my personnal favorite Saved by the Bell Quote of all time:

Screech: Wow! A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding!

Most Implausible Moment

Rod Belding is a dream of implausibility. Nothing about him is plausible for even a second - he's that amazing. He should have had his own implausible spin-off.

Fat Nerd SWITCHEROO Watch:

What'd they do with Alan? Who's this Milton character?

Milton: "I think we should visit the Hershey Chocolate Factory!"

Zack: "Fat chance, Milton!"*

*That one can also be filed under "PUNS! Watch".

Milton: "Let's go to the Hostess Museum. I hear they have a great Ding-Dong exhibit!"

Zack: "You're a Ding-Dong, Milton."

See, we can't even pretend Alan said these cuz Zack keeps saying Milton STOP SAYING MILTON ZACK!

"Fade-In to Mid-Story" Watch

Rod: " I said to the head of the airline, 'Find another Vice-President. I want my summers off to follow my dreams.'"

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr. Belding: "It looks like they were making out to me!"

And with that ladies and gentlemen, I'm outta here!

Thursday, September 2, 2004

Fake I.D.s

Clever title there, Saved by the Bell. So today, the gang makes fake IDs. This is really easy for them because they take a photography class, which trains them in exactly 5% of the skills they would need to make a fake ID. Luckily, the gang at Bayside don't want fake IDs for the reason the rest of the teenage world wants them (ie to get drunk without having to ask that creepy guy's older brother). They want them TO DANCE!

Additionally, some how I must not have been paying attention, because between Tuesday and today, Kelly has dumped Zack for Mr. Jeffrey I. Datehighschoolgirls and Zack has already forgiven them and moved on! But uh-oh, because Kelly is just one high school girl and Jeff likes to buy in bulk. Who can blame these girls? I mean, a 20-something diner waiter who dates 16 year-olds. What a catch!

Also in this episode, Mr. B. teaches photography because otherwise he would not be in this episode and he's under contract, Screech dances with a schitzo man-woman named Reggie, and Slater wears a bolo tie! A bolo tie!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding (showing slides): This is Mrs. B. at Seaworld.

Kelly: Why is she eating raw fish?

Mr. Belding: That. Is. Not. Mrs. B. That's Shamu! The whale!

Most Implausible Moment

I love how they show Screech making fake ID's by having him sit in front of a developing tray, using the tongs to push something around.

"...and then I just place the paper into the magic elixir, move it around, and PRESTO! Fake ID's for everybody!"


Also, I love how Zack pretends to be in college by starting every conversation, "Hey isn't college great?!" Man, that's how I used to score in college too!

Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Screech: "You know Slater, through this lens, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rainforest!"

Slater: "If you don't get that camera out of my face, I'm going to have the natives come out and eat you!"

Wait a second. Slater is going to have his boogers eat Screech?


PUNS! Watch

Mr Belding: "Now that you've all taken a lot of pictures, let's see what's developed! HA-ha!"

The James Lipton Subtle Moment of ACTING! Watch

Mrs Morris comes into Zack's room, whistles "Puff the Magic Dragon, unroles a "Peter, Paul and Mary" poster, and says, "He'll like this."


How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Kelly: "Hey, I'll be OK after a few minutes of screamin' in the ladies room."

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

The Wicked Stepbrother

Man, TBS! Are you all kinds of stupid? Why air Part One of this two-part epsiode today and not run Part Two tomorrow? I think you're drunk a lot and it is affecting your work.

So, today, I noticed something. Saved by the Bell has what could be the rosiest and most optimistic view of human nature this side of Michael Landon. In Bayside, everybody (that is, everybody who isn't from Valley) is deep down a good person who is basically decent and honest and an all-around good citizen. Sure, they make mistakes, and sometimes they lie and scam, but the wrong-doers always see the err of their ways and make amends.

This is why "bad" characters on Saved by the Bell are always SO awesome! The writers are simply incapable of imagining someone who is just a dick, plain and simple. Enter, Eric, the blackmailing prick who is really just a nice guy who misses New York! And the lamb shall lie with the lion...

So, in today's episode, Jessie's Mom gets married (which we were expecting because of all the time the show sent setting this up to make it convincing), and her step-brother is mean and from New York. We know he's from New York because he is rugged and tough and wears a lot of leather and denim. This is also how we know he is a cowboy and in a motorcycle gang I think. Additionally, there's scamming and blackmail and Judaism and cars and video tapes and cassette tapes and the worst Humphrey Bogart impression ever.

Today's Quote

Zack: I think you should have your head checked for bumps.

Screech: Why? All five are here.

Most Implausible Moment

So today Zack employs his Time Out function. This is when Zack all of a sudden gets a super power to freeze time and explain his complicated plans to us, the simpletons of TV land.

Now, an entire television show (Out of This World) was built on the premise that the teenage star had this very power. They went at great pains to explain its origins (her Mom boffed an alien) and to show the hillarious consequences that could stem from its use.

Whereas, on Saved by the Bell, Zack's ability to freeze time is taken as a given and is ONLY used for exposition. What a responsible young man!

These Boots Are Made For Walkin' Watch

On toilet seats:

Zack: "Actually, she's right. Girls can fall in if they're not careful."

Screech: "Then toilets should have seatbelts!"

Lisa: "And your mouth should have an airbag."

Airbag? Mouth? What does that mean?

Nerds Rights Watch

Zack: "What are you doing? Your locker's downstairs with the nerds."

Student lockers are distributed by coolness? I guess that's a way to do it...

Who'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "There's a gopher trying to burrow in my underwear!"

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Snow White and the Seven Dorks

So, today the gang does a rapping version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for the Bayside School Musical. If that sounds lame, that's because it was. Additionally, Zack and Jessie think they're in love cuz they made out, so then they make out again just to make sure they are not. I volunteer for a similar test with Kirsten Dunst. You know, just to be sure.

Probably the only highlights today were the constant stream of wince-inducing rapping and a veritable orgy of dancing nerds. Plus, an appearence by star of TV's Webster and frequent 80's game show guest Henry Polic II! That's got to count for something.

Today's Quote

Jessie: It's personnal, Mr. Belding.

Mr Belding: I'm a person!

Most Implausible Moment

From what we've seen, this year's Bayside school musical clocks in at under 2 minutes. I hope they had plenty of orange drink in the lobby!

Gratuitous Teen Slang Watch


Kelly: "Mirror mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all?"

Lisa: "Brace yourself queenie this news is bad, Snow White is now a lot more rad."

Nerd Name Watch

Seven Dorks: Dweeby, Nerdy, Geeky, Slimey, Shlumpy, Dumpy, and Norman.

Man, thank god my name's not Norman. Ouch.

Create Your Own Context Watch

Create your own context for the following quote:

Zack: "Don't raise your tail, dear. It's just the badgers."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Zack: "Why don't we make the dwarves tall blonde chicks and put them in bikinis?"

Slater: "Hey I'm all for that! Hi-ho hi-ho!"

Monday, August 30, 2004

Jessie's Song

This is easily THE single best episode of Saved by the Bell, and quite probably one of the most enthralling half-hours of sitcomery ever put to video tape. Anybody who disagrees can keep it to themselves, because I make it a point not to argue with crazy people and boy would you have to be crazy to disagree on this!

So, in today's episode, Jessie takes some caffine pills whose effects are seem to be similar to those of PCP mixed with paint thinner and peyote and probably a little more PCP.

Also, in this episode, EVERYTHING! There is Screech in drag in the girls locker room doing the worst Irish accent ever, there is SO MUCH singing and dancing and a professional music video, there is Mr. Freaking Dewey, there is a silly dream sequence that involves the Dew-man and Mr. Belding dressed as surfers, and there is a MESSAGE ABOUT OVER-THE-COUNTER DRUGS WHICH ARE A REAL SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Man, the only things missing are Slater drumming, Kevin the Robot, and Alan the Fat Nerd, but come on people this show is only 30 minutes long!

Today's Quote

Lisa (to Screech): Why don't you go to the boy's locker room and flush yourself to China?

Bayside's plumming goes to China. How does that work?

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Jessie: Time? TIME??! There's never any time! I don't have time to study! I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused

Zack: Everything will be all right, just calm down, OK?

Jessie: You're right! Everything will be OK. I just need one of these!

Zack: Pills?? You mean you really are taking drugs?!

Jessie: I need them! I need them Zack I HAVE TO SING!

Zack: Jessie! You can't sing tonight!

Jessie: Yes I can! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO ... (sob) .... SCARED! (Cries)

Zack: Jessie, hey don't be scared. Listen, we'll get through this. Remember that time when we snuck out to see ET, riding home on our bikes, it was so dark - we were scared. C'mon.

Holy. Hot. Crap.

Most Implausible Moment

Well, there's a rapid drug addiction to over-the-counter caffine pills that manifests itself in totally unbelievable insane behavior and then the addict recovers over the course of like five minutes. So I'm going to say, Zack's dad knows a record producer? C'mon.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "He's a record producer and he's looking for a girl group like New Kids on the Block!"

Slater: "Yeah, New Chicks on the Block."

Jessie: "Thank you, New Pig in the Booth."

Mr. Dewey: "Study hard, I'm off to my try-outs for American Gladiators."

Awesome Girl Group Names Watch

1. Hot Sundae

2. Buns on the Run

3. Spiked Earlobes

4. Zit Hit Machine

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Dewey: "Jessie, a 'C'."

Jessie: "A 'C'? A 'C'??!"

Mr. Dewey: "Si, Seniorita, but this is Geometry not Spanish!"

Screech: "'Zit Hit Machine'? Sounds like a break-out group."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Do I have to wear you Aunt Helen's bra again?"

And remember kids:

Slater: "Those pills are dangerous."

Jessie: "Yeah? Well so's Geometry!"


Friday, August 27, 2004

Slater's Friend

Back to reality today, with this touching episode dealing with death and bereavement. It seems Slater had this chameloen, Artie, and they were friends but chameleons are mortal so he died. Also, subterfuge - because Zack does not lie only to get out of trouble or get chicks; he also lies to avoid conflict and pain. I'm beginning to think that Zack may have sort of pathology.

Also in this episode, Coach Rizzo is introduced and then squandered. Yo Bayside, if youse is gonna have a dumb talkin' New Yawk mook, you gotta make every frickin' woid outta his mouth a malapropism! Oddawise, why boddah?! The whole thing smacks of missed opportunity.

Oh and also there's this really crazy scene where Slater is dressed as a Lizard, Mr. B is dressed as a Texas highway patrolman, and Kelly is on a giant frying pan with eggs on it doing that "one-foot-down-oucherz-other-foot-down" this-is-really-hot thing. Bravo.

Today's Quote

Artie's Song: Oh Artie boy, the bugs, the bugs are buzzing.

There's gnats and ants, mosquitoes on the fly.

And there'll be time for breakfast, lunch and dinner,

In that big chameleon banquet in the sky.

It is ridiculous how big a deal they make out of the fact the Artie eats bugs. It's non-stop.

Most Implausible Moment

All in all, a fairly plausible episode. So, if I have to come up with something: Why couldn't Artie go to San Diego with Slater? I mean, he's fairly mobile in that shoebox, supposedly he's already travelled around the world with Slater, and it's not like he's a big old dog or something. So I don't buy that, I guess.

Coach Rizzo's Malapropism Watch

Only one (what a waste)!

Coach Rizzo: "Our next public talker..."

PUNS! Watch

They really come through here, though:

Zack: "He's probably bored stiff."

Screech: "Now he's stiff as a board!"

Hahaha! See what they did there?

Slater: "Artie's a real sound sleeper. When he's out, he's dead to the world."

Zack: "He looks exactly like Artie, huh?"

Screech: "Yeah, he's a dead ringer."

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind

Is it just me or are these first season episodes unecessarily outlandish? I mean, so far, we've had brainwashing, a remarkably effective acne cream that (except for an extremly short-lived side effect) would revolutionize dermatology forever, a fully functional example of artificial intelligence, and now, today, we get a radio station coming in through Screech's fillings and UFO's? Let's rein it in here, folks - I'm starting to appreciate the later episodes, where the most outlandish thing that happens at Bayside is a visit from Brandon Tartikoff.

So, today, OOPS broke the video camera that took Bayside two years to get (they should stop wasting all ther money on professionally printed plastic heart and such). Wait, $1500 in the National Babbler for an alien picture? Weren't we shooting an alien movie? Isn't Screech a weirdo? The reporter is really a Lieutenant in the United States Air Force looking into UFO's! Time to break out all the Screech masks that are really Larry from the Three Stooges masks (no wonder this school can't afford a new video camera if they're issuing every student a Screech/Larry mask)!

Also today, Jessie dresses like a Mexican lady from the Three Amigos and calls herself Maria Tortilla and says things like, "Buenos Nachos." Plus Screech does one of those wonderful "takes-off-mask-to-show real-human-face-then-takes-off real-human-face-as-if-it-were-a-mask-to-reveal-what-really-is-a-mask" takes that are a hallmark of great comedy. And, on second thought, those Larry masks look more like Steven Wright than Screech or Larry.

Todays Quote

Screech: Zack, do they wear underwear in heaven?

Most Implausible Moment

Zack's lie to Mr. Belding:

Zack: "You heard of Batman? Well Jessie played Batmamasita."

That doesn't even sort of make sense and is the dumbest lie ever I think.

Also, that the whole radio and Air Force thing. That was pretty implausible.

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Belding's Secretary (where is her office, exactly): "Mr. Belding, please report to the gym. The water polo team has a horse in the pool again."

Mr. Belding: "Kids love horseplay! HA-ha!"

"Remeber the 90's?!" Watch

Jessie (as teacher in the movie): "After the battle, one of the greatest speeches in American History was made by President Pee Wee Herman."

Phunny Phony Ad Watch

The best radio ad ever (from Screech's mouth): "For country eatin' there's no beatin' 'Billy Joe Bob's House O' Possum!'"

I can think of about three different reasons why that is so awesome (hint: one of them is because of PUNS).

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "It's kind of neat except when a big guy held me up to his ear and tried to shove his cassette in my mouth."

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The Zack Tapes

Man, this one is a tour de force! It's "Give Someone Your Plastic Heart With Your Name Professionally Prinited On It and It Means You Are Going to The Dance Together" Week at Bayside. Coincidentally, it is also the week where Miss. Wentworth teaches her Subliminal Advertising lesson in whatever subject it is that you learn Subliminal Advertising (Health?). Plus, the new Bo Revere (that may be my favorite made up rock star name ever) tape is out. It only has one song, and seems to be recorded on a box of Memorex or Zenith blank tapes, but man that song is rockin'. As Mr. B says, it's radical!

Also in this episode, nerds Edgar, Wendell, and Alan (his last name is Fairbanks! We learn that today!) make it with some babes. I tell you what, these nerds at Bayside, marginalized as they are, they do pretty good with the ladies. Plus, Max has a spinning bow tie which is so sweet, Screech dresses in drag and calls himself Barbara Bush, and Lisa wears the most incredible cow print denim vest and jeans combo is the history of cow print denim vest and jeans combos.

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: Zack, I'm not a straw - don't suck up.

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Zack's Subliminal Message: Zack Morris is the kind of boy every girl dreams of. Great looking, smart, and funny - yes, that's Zack Morris. Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise. Zack Morris is a ten. Zack Morris is perfect in every way.

Most Implausible Moment

Miss Wentworth totally lies about an election in Italy where they put subliminal messages in the pizza commercials. That never happened! What kind of teacher is this lady?

"Lisa And Her Amazing Pet Names" Watch

Lisa: "Don't toy with me, my Manly Mustang!"

Lisa: "You're just jealous! Tigerman is a great catch!"

Lisa: "I thought Screech was my Prince of Passion, but it's you, the Z-Man."

And the coup de grâce

Lisa: "Not my Screechy, he's the Buffest Bronco on Earth!"

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Beauty and the Screech

Kelly falls for Screech? He must be good at science or something. All in all, this episode is pretty stupid. Thank God for Kevin the Robot! I swear, he's like chocolate syrup - he can make anything good.

Also in this episode, one redeeming scene where Lisa, Jessie, Zack and Slater all dream at the same time (how does that work?) about a world where nerds are cool. Here's the funny part, Zack and Slater are nerds. So, basically, in world where nerds are cool, Zack and Slater would STILL get the hot girls, so IT WOULD BE EXACTLY THE SAME WORLD. The only difference is Kelly has pizza on her head, because for some reason in this world lame throw-away jokes actually become rules.

Today's Quote

Kevin: [The pictures] are for Robot Illustrated. I'm hunk of the month!

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope!

Screech: Who are you calling a cantaloupe you melonhead?!

Hahahaha! That joke still breaks me up. Honestly.

Most Implausible Moment

Screech, go to the friggin' beach or the George Michael concert! Kelly Kapowski wants to make it with you! [Steve kicks TV, slowly crumbles onto floor, sobs silently.]

ALF/Gorbachev Watch

Screech: "Tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF."

President Bush to press (subtitles): Kelly and Screech? Way to go Screech!"

Gorbachev to Nancy Reagan (subtitles): "Kellinski drava Screechnick?!!"

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Every ice cream cone has its last lick, Kelly. This is ours."


Monday, August 23, 2004

Pinned to the Mat

So, TBS tried to confound us by rerunning the same run of episodes twice in one month! What is wrong with them? Luckily for us, I've been saving episodes in the Supercable for a rainy day (God bless you, Supercable). I have enough for this week, though we may be in trouble next week. Cross your fingers.

So, without further adieu:

I have two words for you: Marvin. Nedick. NEDICK!

Today, Slater is afraid of becoming an over-the-hill pro-wrestler so he takes up cooking because that is what you do I guess. But, look-out Slater, 'cuz Zack bet his non-existant dirt bike against Valley warlord Marvin Nedick's so I bet there will be a scam. There is.

And did I mention that Nedick is so awesome. He looks and acts exactly like every kind-of-fat tough dude moron in high schools across this great land! In fact, I went to high school with about 5 Nedicks. I bet they all had sweet dirt bikes too!


Also in this episode, the silliest cooking class ever with a crazy teacher who sings the ingredients and shakes her breasts (no joke) and that is so weird. Oh and OH, there is this amazing dream sequence where the students come back to the Max for a reunion (and for some reason Mr. Belding gives them something that looks like a diploma. A diploma for what? Reunioning?) and Screech is a supercool astronaut, Mr. Belding has Lisa's name on his butt, AND Slater dresses like Hulk Hogan and it is so good I want to cry!

Today's Quote

Marvin Nedick: Come Friday, I'm going to be riding something in the dirt - either your bike or your face!

Most Implausible Moment

When Zack pits Screech against Nedick to guilt Slater into wrestling, one is left to wonder: Doesn't this wrestling team have a coach?

Hope and Crosby Watch

Mr. Belding: "Now what is it like in space?"

Screech: "Far out. Have a Mars Bar."

Mr. Belding: "Is there really life on Mars?"

Screech: "No. All the good clubs close at 9."


Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Slater: "Why have a litter of preppies when you can have a bunch of stud-muffins like me?"

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Mr. Belding: "...and that's how I became the Flo Jo of principals."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Lisa: "Move over Calvin - it's time for my name to be on everyone's butt."

Friday, August 20, 2004

The Baby Sitters

So, today Kelly's parents are trapped at a Ski Lodge and because they don't mind leaving 7 kids (including an infant) home without adult supervision, Kelly finds herself in a pickle - she has to take care of her infant brother Billy! That's a big uh-oh cuz, for reasons that there was simply not enough time to explain, babies are not allowed in Bayside even if it's an emergency and the baby would probably die. No babies. Oh and oops it's yearbook picture day and nobody wants to have a baby in their yearbook picture and look out 'cuz Kelly broke her arm off screen. That must mean it's time for subterfuge and cover-ups and puns. Oh the wonderful puns. Brothers and sisters, wait until you see these puns.

Also today, a Keystone Cops style sped-up search scene (Keystone Cops style sped up scenes always being that mark of good taste and class) that is incredible and goes like this.

(At 2x speed and to old timey music) Lisa, Slater and Screech are going into lockers. I assume they will come out of the same locker they went into. WHAT? They all came out of different lockers? What is going on? Slater's going into a locker. WHAT? Lisa is coming out of that same locker? How is this possible? Wait, Screech is going into a locker, surely he'll - HUH? He's in the garbage can? Has the entire world turned topsy-turvy???


Today's Quote


Zack: Oh no, French class. Look, whatever you do, don't go "oui oui", OK?


Zack: Kelly sure picked a great time to break her arm.

Screech: I guess those are the breaks.


Slater (on diaper changing): ...then we get umbrellas because we don't want to be given a baby shower.


Kelly: Something tells me you haven't changed that much.

Zack: Oh yeah? (In baby talk) I changed him 38 times, didn't I? Yes I did.

38 times? That kid should probably see a doctor.


Mr Belding: Your attention pleaase, this is your Principal, Mr. Belding. Yearbook pictures are being taken in the library. Chess club - it's your move. Insect club - you go in five minutes, so stop bugging me. HAH-ha!


Most Implausible Moment

Getting out of trouble by convincing Mr. Belding he's senile? So lame.

"These Boots Were Made For Walking" Watch

It's nice to see that a progressive school like Bayside still has a girls-only Home Economics class where they teach young girls important things like how to hold a baby, etc.

All the trig in the world ain't gonna change that diaper, ladies!

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Slater: "I've got a ding-dong in my gym bag."


Thursday, August 19, 2004

The Friendship Bracelet

TBS seems to trying out some sort of experiment in postmodern non-chronological narrative here, because today we jump in the Wayback machine leaving the dreadful and useless Tori in our dust. Good-bye, earnest biker-girl! Hello Mr Tuttle and Alan!

Today, resident jack-of-all-trades Mr. Tuttle is teaching business or economics or something where there's an excuse for students to be running a business and fighting and everything. The consumer is the winner here, as we get a surfer business ("The Fold N' Surf"), a nerd business ("Pocket Protector Protectors"), and that bit of braided nylon that sets the world afire: The Friendship Bracelet/Buddy Band! "Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated..."

Also in this episode, an amazingly over-produced video advertisement for Buddy Bands (my my, that $100 start-up capital goes a long way in Bayside) with Slater, Kelly and Jessie, and boy oh boy Slater just dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances! I really just can't get enough of that. Plus, Mr. B pumps iron, oh and Screech does the worst Robin Leech ever for absolutely no reason!

Today's Quote

Mr Tuttle: There's room for similar products in the marketplace, Mr. Morris. Look at Pepsi and Coke, Avis amd Hertz...

Screech: Bologna and Whipped Cream!

Most Implausible Moment

Honestly, how did three high school students get a professionally choreographed and edited video produced overnight? Even one that sucks this bad would take at least a full day. Sheesh!

Alan Watch

Mr. Tuttle: "Mr. Poindexter, do you really believe in this product?"

Edgar Poindexter: "Yes we do."

Alan: "We do. When do we eat?"

Man, that fat kid is so awesome.

"Slater and His Strange Hypotheticals" Watch

Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."

I seriously cannot imagine a scenerio where that could possibly make sense.

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."

We've all been there, Slater.

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Screech: "The fifth richest man in the world."

Zack: "Fourth! I just bought Bill Cosby."

To do what, Zack?

Jessie: "Mr. Morris, President Bush called - he wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev*. And Vice President Quayle broke his when he tried to put it over his head."

Hahahaha! Satire!

* This is getting ridiculous - it's like a Gorbachev reference an episode. At least this time it's not about the damn birthmark.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Day of Dentention

Political unrest and cynicism permeates this sharp criticism of industrialist capitalism. More than anything else, the students (the workers) of Bayside dream of escape from their dreary lives. When one idyllic dreamer (Zack Morris) hears on the government sponsored radio of a chance to escape to the famed Utopian world of Ha-wa-ii, he desperately plots to win the contest. Mr. Belding (the Ogliarchical Manager), realizing that escape would undermine his entire social system and bring his already teetering empire to collapse, imprisons not only Zack but all of Zack's known associates (deemed "co-conspirators" by this corrupt court of one).

Zack's frequent attempts at escape symbolize the power of hope and the resiliancy of the human spirit against seemingly impossible odds. But in a profoundly pessimistic and cynical twist, Zack ends up coming within inches of success, failing to answer the one question which will lead to his freedom (a question concerning a Bonsai Tree, which we'll remember, Mr. Belding has symbolically reduced to a stump earlier in the narrative). When the contest's prize ends up in the hands of Mr Belding himself, the viewer realizes that escape for Zack was always impossible, for it was attempted through the very system the Managerial class controls.

Was the government-sponsored "contest" just a sham, put in place to keep the working class dreaming of a brighter future that will never come? Or was it specifically engineered to root out dissidents such as Zack, to crush them under the iron heel of the system before they can create any real discontent? The answer is deliberately left ambiguous, but, as Mr. Belding takes Zack back to prison, the ultimate message is crushing, desolate, and profound.

Also, Screech is Christ maybe.

Today's Quote

Upon finding Slater sprawled out on the stairs, feigning injury:

Ox: Oh no! Belding hit him!

Most Implausible Moment

Yet again, Screech dresses up like Zack in order to fake out a stranger.

Hey Screech: DJ Rappin' Ken Kelly HAS NO IDEA WHAT ZACK LOOKS LIKE!

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Bonsai" a Japanese practice? And isn't Hawaii not Japan?

Screech on the Ancient Art of Bonsai

Screech: "Too much foliage on the left-hand side symbolizes flabby emotions - it means you're a namby-pamby!

Screech: "Thin is in - it's bonsai, not Sumo Wrestling!"

"Those Nerds and Their Orthodonture" Watch

Nerd: "Excuse me please - I have to call my Orthodontist."

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Cream for a Day

Ah, the acne cream episode. Zit Away, Beldasil, Obviously Whiped Cream and toothpaste: call it by any name and it is still is wonder and a blessing and a wonder.

Today, a chemistry experiment blows up in Screech's face (literally! Hahahaha!) which is an experience I'm sure every one who's been in a sitcom can relate to. Does it burn his flesh? Give him super powers? Nope, it demolishes blemishes in a matter of hours (the underlying science behind such a physiological miracle is, as I'm sure you've assumed, explained ad naseum - if ad nauseum means not at all). Unintential side effect - maroon blotchy rashes. Oh, also comedy!

Also today, we find out that Bayside hasn't beaten Valley at football in 23 years and that is probably because their star quarterback is a freshman and Slater. Also, CRATERFACE COBURN! That kid should have been a regular.

Zack: "Give 'em some I.D., Charles."

Craterface: "(Loud "Revenge of the Nerds"-style laugh.)"


Today's Quote

Jessie (giving Valley's cheer): We won I'm sure we won get re-al like forever is the deal.

Man, somebody wrote that.

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

After a truly spectacular rap by Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie (so far, the whole gang has rapped at least once, with Slater going twice with today's human beat-box debacle), the famed Bayside school cheer. Sing along, kids:

Everybody: Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Go Bayside!!!!!!!

Most Implausible Moment

Lisa (to Kelly): "How is anyone going to find out you wear a retainer?"

Nerd: "Wanna join our Retainer Club?!"

C'mon. A Retainer Club?


"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Screech: "My worst nightmare has come true!"

Zack: "You found out ALF* was a puppet?"

Screech: "He is?"

Screech: "It could do wonders for Gorbachev*!"

Zack: "Sort of like an Acne Glasnost."

And, the pièce de résistance:

Craterface: "Jason Bateman's not on the $10 bill!"

* What is with all the ALF and Gorbachev's head stuff? Seriously?


When was Jason Bateman President?

Monday, August 16, 2004

Dancin' to the Max

Today, Bayside gets served, as the students dance at the command of one Casey Kasem. "Two will enter, one will leave," bellows Casey, as the ruthless Applause-O-Meter determines the fate of our heroes. Who will survive? The Spandex Twins? The Powerhouse Preppies? The Warriors? Only the Applause-O-Meter knows for sure.

Also today, Jessie is super-racist against short people, we hear some decidedly rockin' Bach, Mr. B refers to himself as the "Big Bopper" for the first time ever, and Slater just dances and smiles and dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances!

Today's Quote

Jessie: "Zack, you don't know what it's like to be the freak. Taller than all the boys. The jokes, the looks, the whispers.

Wait till Showgirls comes out Ms. Spannow - you ain't seen jokes, looks and whispers.

Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame

Casey Kasem's flubbing of this line turns a commonplace lemon into the sweetest lemonade:

Casey Kasem: C'mon everybody! Let's do...the...(looks down, flustered) ... the sprain!

Most Implausible Moment

When the school band rocks their socks off to the tunes of the Big Bach-er, the sound of a mighty saxophone takes center stage.

One problem: There is no saxophone in the room.

"Fat People Are Not People Too" Watch

Mr. Margolies: "Poor Mrs. Wickham slipped and got her head stuck in a tuba."

Slater: "Maybe they should get Fat Tommy to blow her out."

Mr. Margolies: "Good idea."

The incessant mocking of the overweight is not just rampant in the halls of Bayside, it is ENCOURAGED!

Thursday, August 5, 2004

Masquerade Ball

Ok, so today an anonymous series of love letters between Screech and Lisa causes confusion and distrees which probably sounds familiar to you because the EXACT SAME THING happened in Monday's episode, "Love Letters."

Dear Saved by the Bell, While I will admit to finding it charming when you recycle just about every plot from sitcom history, this does not mean that it is cool with me if you recycle one of these plots more than once! That is cheating!

Also in this episode, Ms. Cullpepper, the blind teacher who is so blind that it is clear she can only make out vague shapes and that is probably pretty dangerous and oh yeah it is ironic because she teaches art which is the one subject that blind people probably shouldn't teach, plays the Miss Bliss role in the "I-Don't-Want-To-Date-Mr.-Belding-Misunderstanding." Between her and Mrs. Simpson, Saved by the Bell teaches us that, while wheelchailers are OFF-LIMITS, it is OK to make fun of the blind and deaf.

Also, there are sweet costumes and Mr. B. is a pirate(!) and Slater is an astronaut (but Ginger thinks he is a deep sea diver hahahaha) and he accidentally makes out with Screech dressed as Gumby so for a second I was like, "When did I start watching Velvet Goldmine?" Plus, Lisa loves Zack which is so awkward that it is never ever talked about again (except for the really weird one where they start dating, but I can only take these one at a time people). And Screech does the world's worst Groucho Marx for absolutely no reason.


Today's Quote

Tori: I think he's a jerk...and a hypocrite!

Screech: No he's not! He's a Methodist!

Most Implausible Moment

When Tori is in the cat costume pretending to be Lisa while Zack confesses, why does she act like a cat, rubbing her "paws" on her face and meowing?

Why would anyone think that makes any kind of sense whatsoever?

"How'd That Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Can me and my tongue go now?"

The Max Menu Watch

Today's Confirmed Menu Items:

1. Hamburger

2. Turkey Burger

3. Chicken Burger

4. Little Green Peas

Wednesday, August 4, 2004

The Showdown

There are many who malign the Miss Bliss years, who say that the Midwestern yokels of JFK Middle School can't compete with the sexy swagger of the Bayside crowd. To those naysayers and jetsetters, I say only this:

Behold the power of DEKE!

This is easily one of my all-time favorites, as Deke the illiterate bully (played by David Boreanaz lookalike Andras Jones, in the role that should have made him a star) wreaks havoc on the idyllic city of Indianapolis and spouts some of the best dialogue in Saved by the Bell history!

Also in this episode, Lisa and Nikki drive me crazy with their stupid fight over Nikki's play about a park ranger that I don't care about because goddammit where the hell is Deke?!!!

Today's Quote:

Mikey: I've got some advice: When Deke hits you, fall on a fat kid.

Jeez Louise, Mikey, fat kids have feeling too!

Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame:

Deke: You know what would make me feel better? Erasing the lines on the basketball court...with your FACE!

Man, I wish I had more Deke, but, except for this piece of 25 karat gold, it's mostly all in the delivery - simply put, Deke has to be seen to be believed.

Most Implausible Moment

Consider the following exchange:

Miss Bliss: "Do your parent's know [that you can't read]?"

Deke: "Who do you think taught me not to read?!"

Wait a second. They TAUGHT you how NOT to read? I, uh, I don't get it.

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Milo: "I even named it - Woody."

Tina: "This is a stage, the show must go on, and Woody's gonna get nailed!"


Oh, and one more thing:

Deke (to Screech, but also, to the world):


That's right, Deke, let it all out. Just ... let it all out...

Tuesday, August 3, 2004


No, this isn't deja vu! The Saved by the Bell writers liked the idea of a teen-line so much, they don't mind calling it up againl!

This time, though, it ain't just about scheming! You see, painfully earnest biker-chick Tori suggests a "Teen-Line and Rap Room (awesome)" for the mandatory senior class community service project. So, today, along with the comedy, lessons.

Also today, Screech is for no real reason matched with a rambunctious little brother and lameness ensues. Plus, wheelchair basketball!

Today's Quote:

Screech: Rap Room? I love that show! I see Zack - he's a doobie!

Most Implausible Moment

Holy cow! The things Zack says about his handicapped girlfriend? Unbelievable!

A sampling:

Zack (on first date): 'Whoa! You're in a wheelchair!"

Zack (to everybody else: "Now look, Melissa's handicapped but she's really comfortable with it so let's move on, OK?!"

Zack (in movie theater): "Excuse me sir, would you mind slumping down? My date's in a wheelchair!"

Zack (in the rap room): Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice!"

Great Grandma Moses!

'How's This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech shoots for two today:

Screech: "...and then my mom bought me this blow-up doll."


Screech: "Whenever you have ideas, I end up in my underwear!"

"Dad, Did People Really Talk Like That" Watch

Slater: "All right Prepmeister way to go Amigo give me a fiver!"

Monday, August 2, 2004

Love Letters


Today, the continuity jumped 3 years and into the horrid quagmire that is Tori! Not only that, it was an episode I've already done! Sheesh!

Luckily, there is always the 7-8am slot. So, I bring you a Miss Bliss episode from this morning:

So, today a lame love letter brings about chaste flirtation, impossible misunderstandings, and little to no Mikey Gonzalez. Also, it turns out, Zack is only friends with Screech when conveniant. Boy, I bet he wishes he remembered that one at Bayside.

Today's Quote

Zack: Where are you going, Screech?

Screech: To quell my woman's buring fire!

Most Implausible Moment

The "Miss Bliss" episodes lack the stupendous, mind-boggling implausibility of the Bayside Years, but, if I have to pick something:

For a supposedly super-smart teacher, Ms. Bliss sure has trouble putting this one together.

"No Child Left Behind" Watch

Hunky Substitute Jerry Vick: "Serious thinking? I gave that up years ago. I guess that's why I'm a substitute teacher."

Hahaha. Good one Jerry!

"Saved by the Bell vs. The Collected Works of Charles Dickens" Watch

Topic: Spontaneous Combustion

Saved by the Bell:

Miss Bliss, quoting from Zack's prior excuses (1987): "'My grandmother was reading my homework when she spontaneously combusted.'"


Bleak House (1853): "It was shewn upon the evidence that she had died the death to which this name of spontaneous combustion has been given."

Winner: Saved by the Bell (Score: 1-0)

Friday, July 30, 2004

Dr. Kelly

In Saved by the Bell land, there's Sports Bar called "Skeeters," which is like "Hooters" without the super-clever name (they're not just talking about OWLS, guys!). But, for this episode to make sense, you have to pretend its actually a brothel with prostitutes who have SEX for MONEY. Because that is the only way to explain the gang's insane reaction when Kelly starts working there.

Also, there is a young prostitute who calls Screech "sugarbritches" so Screech falls in love with her but uh-oh she calls all of her "customers" "sugarbritches" so Screech learns life's most valuable lesson: Not all hookers have a heart of gold. Take it from a man who's learned that one the hard way (zing!).

Couple this with a lame subplot about Mike trying out for the 49ers (complete with dreadfully earnest training montage. Gatorade on Screech's head? Oh no you didn't!), and you have a half-hour of my life that I will never get back. At least I had some hot dogs.

Today's Quote

Slater: ...38 inch waitressess!

Screech: Oh c'mon Slater! Those girls were taller than that.

Most Implausible Moment

Remember that time in college that you and your buddies had such a good time at a bar that you chanted the bar's name all the way home and into your dorm room?

You don't? Huh.

Ack! Watch

Kelly: "You know my mother once burned her bra. She fell asleep and a Virginia Slim fell out of her mouth."

GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN AND ALL THE SAINTS! I hope she wasn't wearing the bra!

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Model Students

Model StudentsMan oh man, the title of this episode should be WELCOME TO NERD CITY! I think we need a price check in aisle hillarity, 'cuz here's what they're sellin' at the nerd-run school store:

Florescent Pocket Protectors (for pajamas)

Refrigerator Magnets Made from Used Retainers

A Clock in a Large Conch Shell

An Autographed Photo of Mr. Rogers (awesome!)

Flesh-Colored Band-Aids for Nerds - Ultra-Pale (the Best Seller)

Also in this episode, some nonsense about modelling and Paris and Zack being the worst boyfriend ever, etc. But, if you're ever watching this episode, you should turn it off after the first 10 minutes and pretend the episode is just about nerds. Glorious nerds!

Today's Quote

Slater: They're called muscles. I got them by bench pressing nerds!

Most Implausible Moment

If Screech took the calendar photos in secret, why are all of the girls posing? What kind of swim practice is this??

One other question: If the nerd-run school store has exactly zero sales in their books, how can they have a best seller?

Nerd Name Update

2 more for the roster:

Norman Hattenbak

Ronald Geekman

There was a third nerd today, but, in a direct nod to Carol Reed's noir classic, this "third man" remains a mystery.

Misc. Name Update

Harriet Hippoman (Kelly's alternate on the swim team)

Hillarious Photo Shoot Dialogue Watch

Adam Trask (to Lisa): "Hip and happenin'...trendy, trendier, trendiest!"

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Zack's War

So, today we learn that in the 90's, the State of California created the ultra-secret "Cadet Corp" in order to actively recruit high school students into the Army. And boy oh boy does the Army look like fun! You get to march around, play in poorly constructed indoor jungle gyms, and stage strange American Gladiator battles with Mr. Belding dressed in spandex and called "Beldor."

Saddam Hussein is never mentioned, but his spector remains...

Also, it's a nerd/jock feast today with major roles for Alan (no pun intended, fatty), Louise, and two guys named Butch and Rocko. Sadly, this is the last we'll ever see of Butch and Rocko, leaving us to conclude that they are currently somewhere along the treacherous border between Pakistan and Afghanastan, looking for nerds to squash.

Today's Quote


Resident fatty Alan gets some delicious KP duty with 2 big ones today. Drop and give me funny, Alan!

Alan: Why should I join the Cadet Corp?

Zack: Because the new army serves cake at every meal!

Alan: Slice me in!


Zack: Alan! I said HALT!

Alan: I thought you said malt!

Most Implausible Moment

When Molly, the girl of Screech's dreams for one episode only, drops Butch and immediately starts making out with Screech when he wins the big obstacle race, we not only question the scene's plausibility - we question Molly's patriotism!

Ladies, when your hunk goes off to war, it is your patriotic duty stay true to him. The second you go off makin' it with some 4-A nerd who's home working on some nerd nonsense like the Manhattan Project, the terrorists have already won.

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Louise: I'm a human dart ... suck my dust, Slater!

History's Fool Watch

Zack: Hey, lighten up Lieutenant! There's no war. Haven't you heard? Peace broke out all over the world!

So quit yer mewin', Bosnia!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Miss Bayside

Screech as Miss Bayside? I don't believe it! CRAY-ZEE!

Today, we get to see some truly amazing things:

1. We get to see the Bayside Auditorium - which looks suspiciously like the Bayside movie theater with the lights on.

2. Screech preforms magic as "The Great Screechini," whose big show stopper seems to be a multi-colored handkerchief that simply doesn't end! I mean, how is that possible? Handkerchiefs have to have an end, don't they?

3. Belding sings!

4. Slater drums! Oh man, why oh why won't they rerun Kids Incorporated? That show was just an orgy of Mario Lopez dancin' and smilin' and drummin' and dancin' and smilin'!

5. Finally, we get to see more Kevin the Robot then I know how to deal with! Kevin drinks Root Beer, burps, wears reading glasses, sneezes, and accidentally punches Screech in the face! Just like the robot I was going to build!

Also, for some reason Slater and Screech wear socks and sneakers in the swimsuit competition, but the girls go barefoot. And, it turns out, Jessie is racist against attractive people.

Today's Quote

Zack: Hey Screech, I have something very important to tell you!

Screech: ALF flew back to Melmac?!

Most Implausible Moment

I'd like to see how a Beauty Contest fits in with California State school system's curriculum.

I mean, does it go into the Physical Education or Peforming Arts budget? Can underprivileged students get state-owned swimsuits on loan? Will the PTA be selling Orange Drink in the lobby? How much does the orange drink cost?? HOW MUCH??!

Monday, July 26, 2004


Take an angry principal, a scheming student, a busy father and a crazy out-of-work actor and what do you have? A recipe for hilarity! Comedy ensues when Zack's failing grades put his big ski trip in danger! Never fear Zack - Bayside's resident actor, James, happens to be waiting tables at The Max! The only thing he'll be serving up is uproarious comedy when James has to play both Zack's father and Mr. Belding. Starring Jerry Van Dyke as Mr. Belding, Kurt Russell as Zack, Ernest Borgnine as the wacky James, and Introducing Mr. Robert Wagner as Derrick Morris!

Also in this episode, there is an amazing dream sequence where we see that the gang at Bayside will age into either Jewish or Southern Hick-style stereotypical old people! Dottering old people are funny - and young people playing dottering old people? Wooo-doggie!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Most Implausible Moment

A "Cat's in the Cradle" moment appears out of nowhere at the end of the episode, to remind us that a lying, scheming student's dishonesty and failing grades are not the fault of the student. No, the blame for his failure lies squarely on the shoulders of his overworked father.

The sins of the father, Derrick Morris...

Issues of Nerdness Watch

Today, we focus on issues of self-identification and respect. Consider the following two quotes:

Curly Haired Nerd: "We're not happy nerds."

Then, less than a minute later, a nerd takes umbrage at Mr. Beldings' slanderous use of the term "nerd", and says the following:

Non-Descript Nerd: "We're not nerds! We're chess jocks, OK?"

Looks like the nerd community might need a Bill Cosby.

Friday, July 23, 2004

The Poker Game

The College Years. Ugh.

So, The College Years really only makes sense if you make pretend that the gang goes to an ultra-strict Puritanical New England College sometime in the late 17th Century.

In this episode (which is barely about a poker game), the young Puritans are not allowed to gamble or imbide alcohol or caffinated beverages or think dirty thoughts or whatever in the dorm, so, to play poker, the gang has to get Mike Rogers (aka Rev. Dimmsdale) out of the dorm. They do this by tempting him with sex. It works because man is weak due to original sin and all that. Everyone goes to hell (which is symbolized by the smoke in the dorm when Rev. Mike and his foul temptress burn dinner in the heat of passion, etc.). Screech is Christ maybe. The End.

Also, all the girls take one of those sitcom karate classes where the teacher calls people up and demonstrates absolutely nothing by slamming them down on gym mats. Next!

Today's Quote

Clara (the gross, oversexed cafeteria worker): You know, 2,000 men come in here everyday, but you're the only one who can make my knees buckle and the hair on my back stand up.


Most Implausible Moment

The girls cannot play poker because they can only talk about what the proper number of babies to have is and what the gender distribution of that number should be? Really??

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Kelly: [Mike Rogers] touched my bunny.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Driver's Education

So, I think TBS is showing these out of order, and I can never tell who's dating who. But, no matter, because this episode's plot was crystal clear:

You see, in this episode, Zack is worried that Kelly MIGHT LIKE SLATER MORE due to A PERCEIVED ADVANTAGE that is OUT OF ZACK'S CONTROL. So, Zack comes up with A PLAN that will make Slater LOOK BAD. The plan WORKS ALL TOO WELL/GOES AWRY. Screech SLIPS UP and GIVES THE PLAN AWAY. Zack GETS IN TROUBLE. But Kelly likes Zack MAYBE EVEN MORE because HE WENT TO ALL THAT TROUBLE JUST FOR HER.

Also, today, Mr Belding and Mr Tuttle hate each other because of office politics, and this leads to awkwardness for the viewer. Plus, the writers pull the old "junky-jalopy-transforms-into-awesome-hot-rod" trick, which, as we all know, is a classic variation on the "librarian-takes-off-glasses-and-is-really-hot" gambit. Kudos!

Today's Quote


Both of today's quotes made it because they rhyme and rhyming is the best.

Mr Tuttle: Pushy pushy, move your tushy!*


Slater: I was in the seat. I'll take the heat.

*Scorecard Alert: That is the second time the word "tushy" has been in a "Quote of the Day"

Most Implausible Moment

Why does Bayside teach Driver's Ed with a strangely ornamented golf cart that ONLY OPERATES IN A CLASSROOM?

Remember the 90's? Watch

Lisa: Yeah right! You'd have better luck trying to get that thing off Gorbachev's head!

Zack: The doctors who worked on Michael Jackson couldn't help this heap.

Kelly: This guy is major weird.

Way cool.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004


So, today Zack is reading a copy of his teenage millionaire magazine and "Hey, why don't I start a 900-number dating-advice phone line? Uh-oh, Kelly's sister Nicki has a crush on me! Why don't I get everyone to fight so I make more money? Uh-oh the school's gone wackadoo! No Screech, don't tell Mr. Belding about our secret involvement with the Teen Line! Lisa, HELP! Nicki, I like bugs. You like bugs too? I don't really like bugs. I love your sister! Hello Kelly dressed up in wig and glasses!"

Also in this episode: Bubba and Mama start dating (even though I thought they already had). Zack is forced yet again to do an accent (he's Australian today), proving once and for all that he is worse at accents than Rob Morrow and Kevin Costner combined!

Oh, and Nicki has this amazing dream sequence that is Cinderella only with Slater, Zack and Screech dressed up as RUN-DMC and actually rapping! A+++++ WOULD WATCH EPISODE AGAIN!

Today's Quote

Screech hits two out of the park!

Screech: The last time you had a big idea, I wound up with my tongue stuck to a moving airplane.


Screech (in deliriously inexplicable surfer dude accent): Like we didn't need to call, because we're two totally together dudes.

Most Implausible Moment

When the Teen Line drama comes to a head and Mr. Manfredi's (where'd this guy come from?) art class fills with Silly String, we are left to wonder: why is there a can of Silly String on every desk?

Dumb Jock Watch

For some reason, Moose (the jock) is dating Louise (the nerd). This is not explained. But, who cares when the outcome is this poem:

The birds and the bees

And the trees

Don't compare to your knees



Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Save the Max

KKTY - Bayside! Today, the gang discovered that there's a radio station in the basement of the school - you know, the one they'll continue to work for whenever it is narratively conveniant. The radio station was cleverly hidden by some white sheets, so that's why nobody's ever heard of it.

Also, we learn that Dicky Belding was a hippy with a huge ass, which allows for many 60's cliches, plus some anachronistic 50's cliches (the Big Bopper?) for good measure. Also, Slater sucks at radio, but everyone else is super good at it. Also, Screech comes up with the worst Al Bundy impression ever! Out of nowhere!

Today's Quote

Slater: In the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.

Most Implausible Moment

The school district owns The Max? Huh?

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Screech: 98% of our listeners want it short, fast, and often.

Must be a lot of dudes listening to KKTY.

Saved by the Bell Muzak Watch:

Today's episode has tons of SBTB Muzak, including a song with words!

The lyrics:

"I need your money/I need your love/I need you honey/When-a push comes to shove/I need your mo-ney!"


Monday, July 19, 2004

Going Steady

This is the episode with the super-hot nurse who's probably the hottest woman in Bayside history. Also, there was a Melvin Nerdly, who, get this, is actually a stud. Plus, Slater is afraid of needles and Jessie is racist against people with glasses. And Screech spent the entire episode in neon green exercise attire.

Oh, and Mrs. Simpson was really deaf, but for a second she had a hearing aid, but that made everything too loud so, after physical comedy-o-rama, off goes the hearing aid. Back to the deaf jokes!

Today's Quote

After Lisa reads her epic poem, "Ode to the Mall," Mrs. Simpson comments:

Mrs Simpson: Thank you, Lisa. I love the Rocky Mountains too!

Most Implausible Moment

Screech was working out to avoid being dead last in the school physicals again this year.

Um, why and how does Bayside rank their student physicals?

PS: Man, that nurse is HOT!

Friday, July 16, 2004

No Hope with Dope

Get comfy because this one's an all-time fave. While Saved by the Bell is great with normal episodes, when they get preachy, whoa baby! Sitcom heaven!

In this episode, imaginary celebrity Johnny Dakota comes to Bayside to let Zack wear his cool purple jacket and develop an inappropriate relationship with Kelly. Oh and Johnny is clearly in trouble with the law (this remains unspoken) and has to do community service in the form of an anti-drug ad, so, also, Don't Do Drugs!

Only, Johnny likes pot, and he especially likes to uncomfortably force pot on high school students. So, Bayside says bye-bye Johnny, and hello Brandon Tartikoff, who I guess is more famous than an imaginary celebrity. But only a little.

Today's Quote

Screech: I hate drugs, but my doctor says I gotta keep taking them if I want to get rid of my post-nasal drip!

SBTB Quote Hall of Fame

Brandon Tartikoff: Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: Don't Do Drugs!

The Whole Gang: There's no hope with dope!

Most Implausible Moment

You see, Mr. Belding and Brandon Tartikoff went to high school together, right? And Mr. Belding wanted to work in entertainment and Brandon Tartikoff wanted to be a principal (What?). But Mr. Belding won the heart of Becky, the superintendent's daughter, and so he gets to be principal (is that how the California public school system really works?) and Brandon Tartikoff is Chairman of NBC Entertainment (What?). So that is why something something...

SBTB Subtly Imparts a Message

Rhonda: "You wanna know what's dumb? My brother used drugs to get high and drive to the beach. Now I have to drive him. He's in a wheelchair."


Imaginary Celebrity Math

Stone Sutherland = Keifer Sutherland

Luke Diamond = Lou Diamond Phillips

Continuity Watch

For this episode, and this episode alone, Ox is named Scud. I don't know why.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

The Prom

In this episode (which I assume was some sort of season finale), everybody gets paired up. Kelly chooses Zack as her prom date, so, of course, Slater ends up with Jesse, and Screech goes to a movie with Lisa and dumps HER! But, uh-oh and lookout, 'cuz Kelly's dad lost his job at the defense plant (what's a defense plant?) because there's never going to be any more war ever and she gives the Prom money back so her 7 brothers and sisters can eat!

Flash forward to 2004. There's tons of war so Kelly's dad has his job back. Now the Kapowskis can stop living off the Prom money!

This episode also marks the first appearance (I think) of Alan, the cake-obsessed fat nerd. Saved by the Bell - Now with 10% more Fat Kid Jokes!

Today's Quote

Slater's had a good week.

Slater : Why would she want to go with a boy, when she can go with a gladiator?

Most Implausible Moment

What's a defense plant?

Alan Thicke Reference Watch

Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon isn't in this movie?

Screech: Yes! Alan Thicke is the zombie! Everybody knows that!

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Blind Dates (or, as it is known in Europe, Screech Probably Has Sexual Intercourse with Mr. Belding's Niece)

Today's Quote

Jesse: [Lisa] also thinks that Arsenio Hall is where the Lakers Play.

Most Implausible Moment

OK, so Mr. Belding's niece is in town, and he has to find a date for her. Wait, what? Why does he have to do that? Not explained.

So, he has to find a date for her, and Screech says he's free. Ok, so Screech is weird, but he's a good student and a nice guy, right? Well, Mr. Belding doesn't think so. Screech is nixed.

So, Mr. Belding blackmails Zack. The same Zack that he hates and doesn't trust and was just about to suspend for a week? Yup, that's the one.


Strangest Moment (Runner-Up)

When Jesse has her "Dating Game" dream sequence (this is the episode where we learn she is racist against short people), the male suitors are: Teddy Krueger, Mason Vorhees, and Donald Chump(!). I get the first two, but Donald Trump? C'mon, he's not that bad.

Strangest Moment (Champion)

By all acounts, it looks very much like Penny Belding brought Screech home to an empty Belding house to bonk his geeky brains out. As she explains, "He's so hot he makes my teeth sweat." Awesome.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Screech's Birthday

Another classic!

This one's a personal favorite, because it has extended roles for Kevin the Robot, Mr. Dewey (the best Saved by the Bell character ever), and the amazing Neil the Hall Moniter ("You're a creep!").

Today's Quote

Slater to Neil:

Slater: You scare my hair, skinny!


New Feature: SBTB Quote Hall of Fame

(These quotes are not just episodic highlights, but sthe best line from the enitre series. These are serious business, so this catagory will only appear when warranted.)

The first entry into the Quote Hall of Fame:

Mr. Dewey: You guys can go. The rest of you can watch me practice my Tai Kwon Do

Most Implausible Moment

Um, Screech has a fully-funtional, thinking robot?

Ok, that's it for today. But remember, "Don't mess with the Dew-man!"

Monday, July 12, 2004

Bayside-Valley Prank War

The Saved By the Bell Quote of the Day returns with a classic:

Quote of the Day


Slater: They tushy-tissued our nerds!


When Mr. Belding sits on Valley Prinicpal "Stinky" Stigwell's Whoopi-cushioned office chair:

Principal Stigwell: What are you wearing? Toot of the Looms?

Most Implausible Moment

Looking past the fact that Valley seems to be the only high school since the late 1920's to have a living animal as its Mascot AND that kidnapping a HUMAN PERSON seems to be perfectly acceptable in the state of California, today's most implausible moment was when a jar full of ants placed in the Bayside Tiger costume somehow makes the Valley imposter do a series of perfectly executed cartwheels and flips.

Future Career Watch

When Jessie tarts it up during the final cheer, we see the seeds of her masterful performance in "Showgirls." I bet she used this scene as her audition tape. I''ll also bet a few teenage boys have used it for something else. Yow!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Craziest Thing I Have Ever Seen

Wow. I have just witnessed one of the strangest moments of episodic television that I have ever seen . And, brother, I've watched a lot of TV.

In this College Years episode. a beloved professor dies in the common room of the gang's suite. Then, Zack, Slater and Screech go sky-diving. Oh, and Kelly tells Zack she loves him. Also, the Dean of Students is heartless and cruel. For no reason. At all.

Ouote of the Day

When recounting former acts of bravery committed by one AC Slater, Screech offers:

Screech: What about the time you went on a blind date with my cousin, "Goiter"?

Man alive! Why didn't we get to see that episode?

Most Implausible Moment

This is hard, as the entire episode made little to no sense, but I'll take a stab at it and say that when the beloved Professor tells Zack, for no apparent reason, that his entire career is a sham, the episode enters into its greatest heights of implausibility.

Strangest Moment: When said Professor offers quotations from Mussolini and Napoleon as moral instruction to his students.

As Mr. Belding might say, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??

Wednesday, June 23, 2004


OK, so I was dreading having to watch part 3 of the Hawaii Debacle. I have only seen this Saved by the Bell primetime movie once or twice before, I distinctly remember it sucking.

So, imagine my pleasure and excitement when I found a Miss Bliss episode committed to my Supercable memory! And while I understand that this may be controversial, I must say that I find the Miss Bliss episodes to be delightful! Thank you, Supercable!

So, without further ado, The Great Potato Stock Market Disaster!

Today's Quote

Milo, King of Janitors, on potatoes:

Milo: Potatoes go with everything - you can boil 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, fillet 'em - they're the food of the 90's.

Most Implausible Moment

Easily the ending, when Miss Bliss hands the class a phone book and tells them to get selling the 3000 lbs. (!) of potatoes that she bought on margin.

After they call the supermarket and some maybe some local restaurants, who the hell does she expect them to call?

"Hello, Mr. Carey, this is Mikey Gonzalez from the John F Kennedy Middle School here in Indianapolis. Could I interest you in a pound of potatoes?"

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

School Song

The School Song episode. Hoooray!!

Today's Quote

The nerds take it again:

Louise: A day without music is like a day without trigonometry!

Most Implausible Moment

Oh which to pick, which to pick!

Is it when Screech allows the Lisa, Slater and Tori to completely change his song with nary a complaint? Is it when Screech's Home at Our School ties Zack's Cool School, meaning that the Bayside student population is exactly half nerd? Is it the fact that Zack's Cool School is easily the least Glee Club friendly song in the world?

I'm going to go with this: How is it that every student at Bayside seems to be able to play the piano?

Monday, June 21, 2004

Mr. Belding's Baby

Today's Quote

When Screech and Mr. Belding are in Mr. B's office right as the earthquake begins:

Screech: It's a volcano!

Most Implausible Moment

Looking past the absurd premise and the fact that the Belding baby seems to have been born without any after-birth mess or an umbilical cord, I'm going say that today's most implausible moment is Slater's ridiculous karate kick when he kicks down Mr. B's door.

Looks like all those viewings of "The Karate Kid" have paid off there, A.C.


Also of note: Today is the second time in a week that the SBTB writers used the "What's the number for 911?" gag. Let's see if we can go for three, guys.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Perfect Mate

I had Hot Dogs today for lunch, and they were delicious and totally awesome. Almost delicious enough to take my mind off the fact that I was watching "The College Years." Almost.

First off, has there ever been a more ill-advised gambit in the history of network television programming than "Saved by the Bell: The College Years?" Possibly, but not very many.

Today, the hack writers couldn't even milk laughs out of Screech paired with an infatuated chimpanzee? Are you kidding? Even a chimpanzee could milk laughs out of Screech and a chimpanzee!

Theory: Any TV show that can't milk laughs out of a chimp deserves to be cancelled, because everybody knows that chimps are the funniest thing ever.

Corollary: Based on that theory, Lancelot Link: Secret CHIMP should be the funniest television program ever made. And, indeed, it is.

Today's Quote

While discussing a "Perfect Mate" computer dating program test:

Screech: I took one of those tests once - it said my perfect mate was Whoopi Goldberg!

Most Implausible Moment

Remember before, when I was talking about the chimp?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Tori the Biker Chick

OK, so today was the first episode of the almost unbearable Tori season. But, for you, the reader, I will suffer through the next week or so, enduring this completely inconsistant character (she's a tough biker chick - except that she isn't at all) and the horrible (even by SBTB standards) and annoying performance by Ms. Leanna Creel (who is not only a twin, as we all know from when she and her sister dated Steve and Brandon on 90210, but is a triplet! Sheesh!).

Couple this with the fact that every Friday seems to feature 2 episodes of The College Years, and I've got a rough week ahead.

Quote of the Day

Tie! Both occur in Belding's office at the initial planning meeting for the Fall Ball. When Ox, the refreshments manager, is asked what he has planned for refreshments, he exclaims:

Ox: Beef Jerky and guacamole dip!

And, when Lisa's plans for "Fall in Paris" theme is deemed too expensive, Big Pete offers this suggestion:

Big Pete: How about a Math Theme - where people come dressed as their favorite numerals!

Theory: The relationship of the three main male leads (Zach-Slater-Screech) is echoed in the relationship between the three nerds, where Big Pete is the Nerd Zack, the black nerd is nerd Slater, and the tall, gawky nerd is Nerd Screech.

Most Implausible Moment

While not really a moment, a question permeates this episode and every Tori episode hereafter:

Where the hell are Kelly and Jessie?

Screech's Sauce

Today's quote:

Tie! It was either:

Screech: Darn, I forgot my Uncle Fester wallet!


Mr. Belding: Mrs. B. just loves your commercial. "The sauce you can-a have, but the secret, she's a-mine!" HA-ha!

Theory: Any time Mrs. B. is mentioned, it is comedic gold.

Most Implausible Moment of the Day:

When the lawyer from Betsy Crocker's cookbook serves Screech a cease and desist letter in THE FRONT HALL OF BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL.

What, Screech doesn't have a home mailing address?

Monday, June 14, 2004

The First Post

Now that it is summer, I eat lunch at home, which means that I will be watching at least one episode of Saved by the Bell a day, which in turn means I will try to find one nugget of Saved by the Bell gold a day!

Today's quote:

Screech: "Gift Wrap? Isn't that MC Hammer's new song?"