Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Wrestling with the Future

In today's episode, Slater is wrestling with his future, but he is also wrestling like in the sport. Note the parallel.

Seems the Major had always dreamed that A.C. would go to West Point one day because that is their thing, but Slater would prefer to go to Iowa on a wrestling scholarship and blah blah blech. Also in today's episode, subterfuge involving Zack dressing like Rambo and describing an invasion of Canada (well imagine that, SbtB!), yet another college admissions officer visits the Max to make and disclose a major admissions decision, Saved by the Bell shines up two chestnuts with the "oops we're handcuffed together and I keep hitting my head with my hand so YOU keep hitting YOUR head with YOUR hand" and the "'I'm glad we had this talk' even though you did all the talking" bits. Bravo to that. Also, Mr. B and a congressman waste the taxpayer's valuable resources to teach a lesson to two kids, Jessie is racist against McDonalds employees, and Slater's dad pretty much sucks all around if you ask me.

Today's Quote

Major Slater: My CO went AWOL with a GI from the PX. I gotta go ASAP. See you A.C.

Haha, those are all letters that stand for things, right?

Most Implausible Moment

You'd think a congressman would have his own office and wouldn't need to borrow a high school principal's office to conduct interviews. You'd think that because that is how things work in reality.

SbtB QotD's Guide to Where the Gang Went to College

Zack - Yale
Jessie - Columbia
Lisa - FIT
Slater - Iowa
Kelly - Community College and a job
Screech - either Emerson, USC, Clemson, Princeton, Duke, Cal. Tech, The Barbazon School for Modeling, or Hamburger University (though probably not Barbazon b/c he thought it was for building little plastic airplanes haha get it??)

Print that out and put it in your wallet too, OK?

Hey Abbott! Watch

Zack: "Slater, c'mon, tell him . . . Iowa?
Major Slater: "Iowa?"
Slater: "Yeah, uh, I owe-a Zack ten bucks."

Hahaha, third base! Tell the one about Miss Issippi's new jersey next!

Remember the 90s?! Watch

Congressman Shepherd: "Major Martin Slater -- your father?"
Zack (as Slater): "Oh, yeah yeah yeah -- I just call him Major Dad."

SLATERism Watch

Today's Slaterism comes from Jessie.

Screech: "Looking good in that skirt, mama."
Jessie: "Why don't you go buy [note -- maybe 'bite'?] a stray dog?"

Wait. What?

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Mr Belding: "Sometimes the truth hurts, but, in the long run, lies hurt more."

Ok, Mr. B, I'll be honest -- Saved by the Bell blows.

You're right. That felt good.

Monday, December 29, 2008

A Home for Christmas

Ho ho ho, and happy happy. Like a BB gun hidden behind the radiator, here's a late Christmas present from me to you guys -- some new SbtB QotD's! I'm just puttering around the old Stevestead for the next couple of weeks, so I should have some time to watch television. Especially at lunch. So here goes.

In today's episode, the gang all get narratively convenient jobs at the mall for the holidays. The downside? No Mr. B. The upside? Nothing! Anyway, seems the mall kindly opens their bathroom to allow homeless men to perform their morning toilette, and this leads to lessons. Remember kids, not all homeless people are schizo's with drug problems, so trust everyone!

Also in this episode, Slater proves incompetent at manual labor leaving the question as to what exactly he'll do with his life, Jessie is racist against children, Squeeze 'n Squirt lives up to her name, Screech has this mistletoe beenie which is just the tops, Slater dresses in this sleeveless elf costume that has to be seen to believed and then should probably be promptly unseen if you want to go back to ever feeling comfortable again ever, and Slater ties himself to a box which isn't possible but whatever I guess. Also, Lisa triumphantly returns to her candy striping post to give presents to children but mostly to reveal OMG the girl Zack is totally crushing on is totally homeless, so but for the grace of God, maybe they're just like us, etc etc. I think I heard this speech on the subway once.

Today's Quote

Kelly: He's homeless? That poor man . . .
Screech: Of course he's poor - that's why he's homeless!

Haha, so guess what? That one actually made me laugh. A Christmas miracle!

Most Implausible Moment

So, the gang somehow makes it magically snow inside the children's ward at the hospital, which first isn't really possible unless your children's ward is also a television studio and second can't be the best idea for a sterilized environment.

Hey kids, nevermind your already dangerlously compromised health - look, it's fake snow! Impossibly falling from the non-ceiling!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

Slater: "Screech, call 911!"
Screech: "Great. What's the number?"

Uh, I hope you saved the gift receipt, Saved by the Bell, because, well, you've given us that joke four times now.

Remember the 90'?! Watch

Screech: "Gift wrap? Isn't that an M.C. Hammer song?"

This could also be filed under Puns, except Puns is better than that.

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Zack: "You see, I really don't know much about the homeless people."

Yes, please tell me more about the homeless people, SbtB - their customs, their language. Do they celebrate Christmas too? I mean, do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Obscure Literary Reference Alert

Laura the Homelessess: "A Christmas Carol? I love that story!"

Really? I'm not familiar with that one. What's it about?

How'd That Get Past Standards? Watch

Slater: "Don't worry about that, Mrs. M. - I'm good at everything I do."

Screech: "It's not what you think! I'm potty trained - she isn't!"

Jessie: "It's ok, as long as you don't kick me or bite me."
It's good to have standards, Jessie.

These Boots Are Made for Walking Watch

Zack: "I made gingerbread women."
Slater: "Gingerbread chicks. I like it."
Jessie: "For you, they should've made gingerbread pigs."

I'd like to think that that isn't so much a "joke," as a poignant, cynical reminder of how, year after year, we find ourselves unavoidably trapped in the same perfunctory roles over the holidays, mindlessly repeating the same worn out phrases, greetings, and wishes, all of which have long lost any meaning to us or the people we say them to. Like players in an endless Christmas pagent, we enter the stage, mumbling our lines to uncaring audience, who dutifully preserve it all on video cassettes no one will ever watch.

Or it's another dumb joke about how Slater is sexist and Jessie thinks that's bad.

Happy holidays everybody!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

My Other Blog Is A Reindeer

Hey everybody,

I'm going to be doing a very special holiday music blog, 25 Songs of Christmas, which can be found here:

Come and learn the true meaning of Christmas every day from now until the 25th!


Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Bravely dusting off the most hoary of sitcom chestnuts, today Saved by the Bell invents a pregnant lady only to dangerously trap her in an enclosed space for the birth of her child. Will Tori be able to overcome her fear of earthquakes to use her narratively-convenient Lamaze skills (which apparently surpass actual medical knowledge as the most important element of safe childbirth -- it's that easy, ladies!) to save Mrs. B and baby Belding in the nick of time? Yes.

Also in this episode, Tori discovers that earthquakes are a thing, Lisa dresses like a neon cowgirl, Harry the Hippo! ("Hello, Mr. Bellllding!"), Mrs. B.'s only SbtB appearance ever is pretty much squandered, German physics teacher Herr Heimlich makes with the "ze's" und "ya's," and Slater does this amazing kung fu kick on Mr. B's flimsy sitcom door and Steve just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Hi-ya, AC. Hi-ya, indeed.

Today's Quote

Lisa: Maybe you're pregnant, Screech.
Screech: Oh Lisa, don't be ridiculous -- I'm not even married!

Don't forget to vote Republican this November, everybody!

Most Implausible Moment

Oh good golly, are you kidding?

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Belding: "Hah, I can outmaneuver Heimlich."

SbtB sets 'em up; Mr. B knocks 'em down.

Pickles and Ice Cream Omnibus

Crazy Things Mrs B Craves:
1. French Fries with Hot Fudge
2. Ginger Ale with a Scoop of Peanut Butter (the Screecher's favorite combo, by the by)

Those things are just crazy things!

Lake Kookamonga Funny Word Alert

Mrs. Belding: "I guess those french fries just got to me."
Screech: "Yeah, you know, I have the same problem whenever I eat garbonzo beans!"

And I get it when I eat kumquats!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

It's a least thrice to the well for SbtB on this one:

Mr. Belding: "Pete Pete, find the nearest telephone that's working and call 911 for help. Let them know that we have people stuck in an elevator and that one of them is having a baby."
Pete: "Right . . . What was that number again?"

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Girl, give those lips a rest!"

Oh my. I - I'm blushing.

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Tori: "When's it going to stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

The one and only time in SbtB history that I found myself and Tori in complete agreement.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Drunk Driving

To inaugurate the new site, I'm going to do a few Quotes of the Day. No promises as to how many I'll do, because I gave up promising for Lent.

OK, so, let's see if I can shake off the rust and relive my glory days one more time. In today's episode, Saved by the Bell does one of my favorite things in the whole wide world: it gets preachy! You see, it's one of Bayside's 4 blazillion annual homecoming games, and Ox has a party at his house (except sometimes he forgets it's his house because Ox is dumb), and look out because these is a wash tub full of generic sitcom brand beer (because Ox also forgets he has a refrigerator? Unexplained.), and oh well we're seniors and a one drink won't hurt, and uh-oh Wild Thing is one the radio in Lisa's Mom's Mercedes, and Wild Thing plus beer just makes the teens go bonkers, and also Zack is driving, and Zack turns around to tell Slater a story or something because apparently that is what you do when you are drunk driving? and then POW telephone pole city, yo. Then, of course, lies and subterfuge and blah blah get to the preaching already, Saved by the Bell!

Also in this episode: Slater dances and prances and struts and prances in his toga togs, Zack's bearded father looks like he's been on a bender himself (slow down there, Derrick!), not nearly enough Mr. Belding (although we do learn that he can instantly identify a car's water pipe on sight, which is certainly something in my estimation), GUILT TRIPS ahoy, and the school auditorium must be having repairs done because why is Mr. Belding leading a pep rally at the Max, Saved by the Bell? Oh, and Tori sucks.

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: "It's not every day that a truck load of bananas spills all over the freeway. I'm just glad your mother is all right. Terrible thing about the monkeys, though."

Well, just imagine that! You are simply the limit, Saved by the Bell.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok, this one's kind of subtle, but Mr. B is at the Max and he's all "I've got some bad news gang but Slater and his shoulder are having a lovers' quarrel and so no QB Slater at the big game," and then cut to Ox and the team who are all WHAAA??? and looking at Slater incredulously and with such great surprise. Here's the thing: SLATER HAS BEEN SITTING RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM WITH A SLING ON HIS SHOULDER THE WHOLE TIME.

It's a real implausibility connoisseur's moment.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Lisa: "You can't!"
Zack: "Her garage is full of boxes..."
Slater: "...tools..."
Screech: "...homeless people!"
Zack: "That's boxes of tools for homeless people."

Hahaha, third base!

Teen in Trouble Watch

Screech: "Tori, are you going to have [a beer]?"
Tori: "No, I don't drink, are you?"
Screech: "Are you kidding? I get a buzz from cough syrup."

Get 'em where you can, Screecher. Get 'em where you can.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Please, you can't even walk without bumpin' into somethin'."


Screech: "Hey Lisa, you know my dog likes to do this?"

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Zack: "I can't do this anymore. It's all a lie."

I think I know how you feel, Zack.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Small Efforts

OK -- so, after months of dormancy, I'm going to repost all my SbtB QotD up here, as I have time to do so. I'm going to back-date them too, if possible. Let's see if this motorbike hums...