Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Snow White and the Seven Dorks

So, today the gang does a rapping version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for the Bayside School Musical. If that sounds lame, that's because it was. Additionally, Zack and Jessie think they're in love cuz they made out, so then they make out again just to make sure they are not. I volunteer for a similar test with Kirsten Dunst. You know, just to be sure.

Probably the only highlights today were the constant stream of wince-inducing rapping and a veritable orgy of dancing nerds. Plus, an appearence by star of TV's Webster and frequent 80's game show guest Henry Polic II! That's got to count for something.

Today's Quote

Jessie: It's personnal, Mr. Belding.

Mr Belding: I'm a person!

Most Implausible Moment

From what we've seen, this year's Bayside school musical clocks in at under 2 minutes. I hope they had plenty of orange drink in the lobby!

Gratuitous Teen Slang Watch


Kelly: "Mirror mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all?"

Lisa: "Brace yourself queenie this news is bad, Snow White is now a lot more rad."

Nerd Name Watch

Seven Dorks: Dweeby, Nerdy, Geeky, Slimey, Shlumpy, Dumpy, and Norman.

Man, thank god my name's not Norman. Ouch.

Create Your Own Context Watch

Create your own context for the following quote:

Zack: "Don't raise your tail, dear. It's just the badgers."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Zack: "Why don't we make the dwarves tall blonde chicks and put them in bikinis?"

Slater: "Hey I'm all for that! Hi-ho hi-ho!"

Monday, August 30, 2004

Jessie's Song

This is easily THE single best episode of Saved by the Bell, and quite probably one of the most enthralling half-hours of sitcomery ever put to video tape. Anybody who disagrees can keep it to themselves, because I make it a point not to argue with crazy people and boy would you have to be crazy to disagree on this!

So, in today's episode, Jessie takes some caffine pills whose effects are seem to be similar to those of PCP mixed with paint thinner and peyote and probably a little more PCP.

Also, in this episode, EVERYTHING! There is Screech in drag in the girls locker room doing the worst Irish accent ever, there is SO MUCH singing and dancing and a professional music video, there is Mr. Freaking Dewey, there is a silly dream sequence that involves the Dew-man and Mr. Belding dressed as surfers, and there is a MESSAGE ABOUT OVER-THE-COUNTER DRUGS WHICH ARE A REAL SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Man, the only things missing are Slater drumming, Kevin the Robot, and Alan the Fat Nerd, but come on people this show is only 30 minutes long!

Today's Quote

Lisa (to Screech): Why don't you go to the boy's locker room and flush yourself to China?

Bayside's plumming goes to China. How does that work?

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Jessie: Time? TIME??! There's never any time! I don't have time to study! I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused

Zack: Everything will be all right, just calm down, OK?

Jessie: You're right! Everything will be OK. I just need one of these!

Zack: Pills?? You mean you really are taking drugs?!

Jessie: I need them! I need them Zack I HAVE TO SING!

Zack: Jessie! You can't sing tonight!

Jessie: Yes I can! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO ... (sob) .... SCARED! (Cries)

Zack: Jessie, hey don't be scared. Listen, we'll get through this. Remember that time when we snuck out to see ET, riding home on our bikes, it was so dark - we were scared. C'mon.

Holy. Hot. Crap.

Most Implausible Moment

Well, there's a rapid drug addiction to over-the-counter caffine pills that manifests itself in totally unbelievable insane behavior and then the addict recovers over the course of like five minutes. So I'm going to say, Zack's dad knows a record producer? C'mon.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "He's a record producer and he's looking for a girl group like New Kids on the Block!"

Slater: "Yeah, New Chicks on the Block."

Jessie: "Thank you, New Pig in the Booth."

Mr. Dewey: "Study hard, I'm off to my try-outs for American Gladiators."

Awesome Girl Group Names Watch

1. Hot Sundae

2. Buns on the Run

3. Spiked Earlobes

4. Zit Hit Machine

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Dewey: "Jessie, a 'C'."

Jessie: "A 'C'? A 'C'??!"

Mr. Dewey: "Si, Seniorita, but this is Geometry not Spanish!"

Screech: "'Zit Hit Machine'? Sounds like a break-out group."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Do I have to wear you Aunt Helen's bra again?"

And remember kids:

Slater: "Those pills are dangerous."

Jessie: "Yeah? Well so's Geometry!"


Friday, August 27, 2004

Slater's Friend

Back to reality today, with this touching episode dealing with death and bereavement. It seems Slater had this chameloen, Artie, and they were friends but chameleons are mortal so he died. Also, subterfuge - because Zack does not lie only to get out of trouble or get chicks; he also lies to avoid conflict and pain. I'm beginning to think that Zack may have sort of pathology.

Also in this episode, Coach Rizzo is introduced and then squandered. Yo Bayside, if youse is gonna have a dumb talkin' New Yawk mook, you gotta make every frickin' woid outta his mouth a malapropism! Oddawise, why boddah?! The whole thing smacks of missed opportunity.

Oh and also there's this really crazy scene where Slater is dressed as a Lizard, Mr. B is dressed as a Texas highway patrolman, and Kelly is on a giant frying pan with eggs on it doing that "one-foot-down-oucherz-other-foot-down" this-is-really-hot thing. Bravo.

Today's Quote

Artie's Song: Oh Artie boy, the bugs, the bugs are buzzing.

There's gnats and ants, mosquitoes on the fly.

And there'll be time for breakfast, lunch and dinner,

In that big chameleon banquet in the sky.

It is ridiculous how big a deal they make out of the fact the Artie eats bugs. It's non-stop.

Most Implausible Moment

All in all, a fairly plausible episode. So, if I have to come up with something: Why couldn't Artie go to San Diego with Slater? I mean, he's fairly mobile in that shoebox, supposedly he's already travelled around the world with Slater, and it's not like he's a big old dog or something. So I don't buy that, I guess.

Coach Rizzo's Malapropism Watch

Only one (what a waste)!

Coach Rizzo: "Our next public talker..."

PUNS! Watch

They really come through here, though:

Zack: "He's probably bored stiff."

Screech: "Now he's stiff as a board!"

Hahaha! See what they did there?

Slater: "Artie's a real sound sleeper. When he's out, he's dead to the world."

Zack: "He looks exactly like Artie, huh?"

Screech: "Yeah, he's a dead ringer."

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind

Is it just me or are these first season episodes unecessarily outlandish? I mean, so far, we've had brainwashing, a remarkably effective acne cream that (except for an extremly short-lived side effect) would revolutionize dermatology forever, a fully functional example of artificial intelligence, and now, today, we get a radio station coming in through Screech's fillings and UFO's? Let's rein it in here, folks - I'm starting to appreciate the later episodes, where the most outlandish thing that happens at Bayside is a visit from Brandon Tartikoff.

So, today, OOPS broke the video camera that took Bayside two years to get (they should stop wasting all ther money on professionally printed plastic heart and such). Wait, $1500 in the National Babbler for an alien picture? Weren't we shooting an alien movie? Isn't Screech a weirdo? The reporter is really a Lieutenant in the United States Air Force looking into UFO's! Time to break out all the Screech masks that are really Larry from the Three Stooges masks (no wonder this school can't afford a new video camera if they're issuing every student a Screech/Larry mask)!

Also today, Jessie dresses like a Mexican lady from the Three Amigos and calls herself Maria Tortilla and says things like, "Buenos Nachos." Plus Screech does one of those wonderful "takes-off-mask-to-show real-human-face-then-takes-off real-human-face-as-if-it-were-a-mask-to-reveal-what-really-is-a-mask" takes that are a hallmark of great comedy. And, on second thought, those Larry masks look more like Steven Wright than Screech or Larry.

Todays Quote

Screech: Zack, do they wear underwear in heaven?

Most Implausible Moment

Zack's lie to Mr. Belding:

Zack: "You heard of Batman? Well Jessie played Batmamasita."

That doesn't even sort of make sense and is the dumbest lie ever I think.

Also, that the whole radio and Air Force thing. That was pretty implausible.

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Belding's Secretary (where is her office, exactly): "Mr. Belding, please report to the gym. The water polo team has a horse in the pool again."

Mr. Belding: "Kids love horseplay! HA-ha!"

"Remeber the 90's?!" Watch

Jessie (as teacher in the movie): "After the battle, one of the greatest speeches in American History was made by President Pee Wee Herman."

Phunny Phony Ad Watch

The best radio ad ever (from Screech's mouth): "For country eatin' there's no beatin' 'Billy Joe Bob's House O' Possum!'"

I can think of about three different reasons why that is so awesome (hint: one of them is because of PUNS).

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "It's kind of neat except when a big guy held me up to his ear and tried to shove his cassette in my mouth."

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The Zack Tapes

Man, this one is a tour de force! It's "Give Someone Your Plastic Heart With Your Name Professionally Prinited On It and It Means You Are Going to The Dance Together" Week at Bayside. Coincidentally, it is also the week where Miss. Wentworth teaches her Subliminal Advertising lesson in whatever subject it is that you learn Subliminal Advertising (Health?). Plus, the new Bo Revere (that may be my favorite made up rock star name ever) tape is out. It only has one song, and seems to be recorded on a box of Memorex or Zenith blank tapes, but man that song is rockin'. As Mr. B says, it's radical!

Also in this episode, nerds Edgar, Wendell, and Alan (his last name is Fairbanks! We learn that today!) make it with some babes. I tell you what, these nerds at Bayside, marginalized as they are, they do pretty good with the ladies. Plus, Max has a spinning bow tie which is so sweet, Screech dresses in drag and calls himself Barbara Bush, and Lisa wears the most incredible cow print denim vest and jeans combo is the history of cow print denim vest and jeans combos.

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: Zack, I'm not a straw - don't suck up.

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Zack's Subliminal Message: Zack Morris is the kind of boy every girl dreams of. Great looking, smart, and funny - yes, that's Zack Morris. Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise. Zack Morris is a ten. Zack Morris is perfect in every way.

Most Implausible Moment

Miss Wentworth totally lies about an election in Italy where they put subliminal messages in the pizza commercials. That never happened! What kind of teacher is this lady?

"Lisa And Her Amazing Pet Names" Watch

Lisa: "Don't toy with me, my Manly Mustang!"

Lisa: "You're just jealous! Tigerman is a great catch!"

Lisa: "I thought Screech was my Prince of Passion, but it's you, the Z-Man."

And the coup de grâce

Lisa: "Not my Screechy, he's the Buffest Bronco on Earth!"

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Beauty and the Screech

Kelly falls for Screech? He must be good at science or something. All in all, this episode is pretty stupid. Thank God for Kevin the Robot! I swear, he's like chocolate syrup - he can make anything good.

Also in this episode, one redeeming scene where Lisa, Jessie, Zack and Slater all dream at the same time (how does that work?) about a world where nerds are cool. Here's the funny part, Zack and Slater are nerds. So, basically, in world where nerds are cool, Zack and Slater would STILL get the hot girls, so IT WOULD BE EXACTLY THE SAME WORLD. The only difference is Kelly has pizza on her head, because for some reason in this world lame throw-away jokes actually become rules.

Today's Quote

Kevin: [The pictures] are for Robot Illustrated. I'm hunk of the month!

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope!

Screech: Who are you calling a cantaloupe you melonhead?!

Hahahaha! That joke still breaks me up. Honestly.

Most Implausible Moment

Screech, go to the friggin' beach or the George Michael concert! Kelly Kapowski wants to make it with you! [Steve kicks TV, slowly crumbles onto floor, sobs silently.]

ALF/Gorbachev Watch

Screech: "Tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF."

President Bush to press (subtitles): Kelly and Screech? Way to go Screech!"

Gorbachev to Nancy Reagan (subtitles): "Kellinski drava Screechnick?!!"

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Every ice cream cone has its last lick, Kelly. This is ours."


Monday, August 23, 2004

Pinned to the Mat

So, TBS tried to confound us by rerunning the same run of episodes twice in one month! What is wrong with them? Luckily for us, I've been saving episodes in the Supercable for a rainy day (God bless you, Supercable). I have enough for this week, though we may be in trouble next week. Cross your fingers.

So, without further adieu:

I have two words for you: Marvin. Nedick. NEDICK!

Today, Slater is afraid of becoming an over-the-hill pro-wrestler so he takes up cooking because that is what you do I guess. But, look-out Slater, 'cuz Zack bet his non-existant dirt bike against Valley warlord Marvin Nedick's so I bet there will be a scam. There is.

And did I mention that Nedick is so awesome. He looks and acts exactly like every kind-of-fat tough dude moron in high schools across this great land! In fact, I went to high school with about 5 Nedicks. I bet they all had sweet dirt bikes too!


Also in this episode, the silliest cooking class ever with a crazy teacher who sings the ingredients and shakes her breasts (no joke) and that is so weird. Oh and OH, there is this amazing dream sequence where the students come back to the Max for a reunion (and for some reason Mr. Belding gives them something that looks like a diploma. A diploma for what? Reunioning?) and Screech is a supercool astronaut, Mr. Belding has Lisa's name on his butt, AND Slater dresses like Hulk Hogan and it is so good I want to cry!

Today's Quote

Marvin Nedick: Come Friday, I'm going to be riding something in the dirt - either your bike or your face!

Most Implausible Moment

When Zack pits Screech against Nedick to guilt Slater into wrestling, one is left to wonder: Doesn't this wrestling team have a coach?

Hope and Crosby Watch

Mr. Belding: "Now what is it like in space?"

Screech: "Far out. Have a Mars Bar."

Mr. Belding: "Is there really life on Mars?"

Screech: "No. All the good clubs close at 9."


Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Slater: "Why have a litter of preppies when you can have a bunch of stud-muffins like me?"

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Mr. Belding: "...and that's how I became the Flo Jo of principals."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Lisa: "Move over Calvin - it's time for my name to be on everyone's butt."

Friday, August 20, 2004

The Baby Sitters

So, today Kelly's parents are trapped at a Ski Lodge and because they don't mind leaving 7 kids (including an infant) home without adult supervision, Kelly finds herself in a pickle - she has to take care of her infant brother Billy! That's a big uh-oh cuz, for reasons that there was simply not enough time to explain, babies are not allowed in Bayside even if it's an emergency and the baby would probably die. No babies. Oh and oops it's yearbook picture day and nobody wants to have a baby in their yearbook picture and look out 'cuz Kelly broke her arm off screen. That must mean it's time for subterfuge and cover-ups and puns. Oh the wonderful puns. Brothers and sisters, wait until you see these puns.

Also today, a Keystone Cops style sped-up search scene (Keystone Cops style sped up scenes always being that mark of good taste and class) that is incredible and goes like this.

(At 2x speed and to old timey music) Lisa, Slater and Screech are going into lockers. I assume they will come out of the same locker they went into. WHAT? They all came out of different lockers? What is going on? Slater's going into a locker. WHAT? Lisa is coming out of that same locker? How is this possible? Wait, Screech is going into a locker, surely he'll - HUH? He's in the garbage can? Has the entire world turned topsy-turvy???


Today's Quote


Zack: Oh no, French class. Look, whatever you do, don't go "oui oui", OK?


Zack: Kelly sure picked a great time to break her arm.

Screech: I guess those are the breaks.


Slater (on diaper changing): ...then we get umbrellas because we don't want to be given a baby shower.


Kelly: Something tells me you haven't changed that much.

Zack: Oh yeah? (In baby talk) I changed him 38 times, didn't I? Yes I did.

38 times? That kid should probably see a doctor.


Mr Belding: Your attention pleaase, this is your Principal, Mr. Belding. Yearbook pictures are being taken in the library. Chess club - it's your move. Insect club - you go in five minutes, so stop bugging me. HAH-ha!


Most Implausible Moment

Getting out of trouble by convincing Mr. Belding he's senile? So lame.

"These Boots Were Made For Walking" Watch

It's nice to see that a progressive school like Bayside still has a girls-only Home Economics class where they teach young girls important things like how to hold a baby, etc.

All the trig in the world ain't gonna change that diaper, ladies!

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Slater: "I've got a ding-dong in my gym bag."


Thursday, August 19, 2004

The Friendship Bracelet

TBS seems to trying out some sort of experiment in postmodern non-chronological narrative here, because today we jump in the Wayback machine leaving the dreadful and useless Tori in our dust. Good-bye, earnest biker-girl! Hello Mr Tuttle and Alan!

Today, resident jack-of-all-trades Mr. Tuttle is teaching business or economics or something where there's an excuse for students to be running a business and fighting and everything. The consumer is the winner here, as we get a surfer business ("The Fold N' Surf"), a nerd business ("Pocket Protector Protectors"), and that bit of braided nylon that sets the world afire: The Friendship Bracelet/Buddy Band! "Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated..."

Also in this episode, an amazingly over-produced video advertisement for Buddy Bands (my my, that $100 start-up capital goes a long way in Bayside) with Slater, Kelly and Jessie, and boy oh boy Slater just dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances! I really just can't get enough of that. Plus, Mr. B pumps iron, oh and Screech does the worst Robin Leech ever for absolutely no reason!

Today's Quote

Mr Tuttle: There's room for similar products in the marketplace, Mr. Morris. Look at Pepsi and Coke, Avis amd Hertz...

Screech: Bologna and Whipped Cream!

Most Implausible Moment

Honestly, how did three high school students get a professionally choreographed and edited video produced overnight? Even one that sucks this bad would take at least a full day. Sheesh!

Alan Watch

Mr. Tuttle: "Mr. Poindexter, do you really believe in this product?"

Edgar Poindexter: "Yes we do."

Alan: "We do. When do we eat?"

Man, that fat kid is so awesome.

"Slater and His Strange Hypotheticals" Watch

Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."

I seriously cannot imagine a scenerio where that could possibly make sense.

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."

We've all been there, Slater.

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Screech: "The fifth richest man in the world."

Zack: "Fourth! I just bought Bill Cosby."

To do what, Zack?

Jessie: "Mr. Morris, President Bush called - he wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev*. And Vice President Quayle broke his when he tried to put it over his head."

Hahahaha! Satire!

* This is getting ridiculous - it's like a Gorbachev reference an episode. At least this time it's not about the damn birthmark.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Day of Dentention

Political unrest and cynicism permeates this sharp criticism of industrialist capitalism. More than anything else, the students (the workers) of Bayside dream of escape from their dreary lives. When one idyllic dreamer (Zack Morris) hears on the government sponsored radio of a chance to escape to the famed Utopian world of Ha-wa-ii, he desperately plots to win the contest. Mr. Belding (the Ogliarchical Manager), realizing that escape would undermine his entire social system and bring his already teetering empire to collapse, imprisons not only Zack but all of Zack's known associates (deemed "co-conspirators" by this corrupt court of one).

Zack's frequent attempts at escape symbolize the power of hope and the resiliancy of the human spirit against seemingly impossible odds. But in a profoundly pessimistic and cynical twist, Zack ends up coming within inches of success, failing to answer the one question which will lead to his freedom (a question concerning a Bonsai Tree, which we'll remember, Mr. Belding has symbolically reduced to a stump earlier in the narrative). When the contest's prize ends up in the hands of Mr Belding himself, the viewer realizes that escape for Zack was always impossible, for it was attempted through the very system the Managerial class controls.

Was the government-sponsored "contest" just a sham, put in place to keep the working class dreaming of a brighter future that will never come? Or was it specifically engineered to root out dissidents such as Zack, to crush them under the iron heel of the system before they can create any real discontent? The answer is deliberately left ambiguous, but, as Mr. Belding takes Zack back to prison, the ultimate message is crushing, desolate, and profound.

Also, Screech is Christ maybe.

Today's Quote

Upon finding Slater sprawled out on the stairs, feigning injury:

Ox: Oh no! Belding hit him!

Most Implausible Moment

Yet again, Screech dresses up like Zack in order to fake out a stranger.

Hey Screech: DJ Rappin' Ken Kelly HAS NO IDEA WHAT ZACK LOOKS LIKE!

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Bonsai" a Japanese practice? And isn't Hawaii not Japan?

Screech on the Ancient Art of Bonsai

Screech: "Too much foliage on the left-hand side symbolizes flabby emotions - it means you're a namby-pamby!

Screech: "Thin is in - it's bonsai, not Sumo Wrestling!"

"Those Nerds and Their Orthodonture" Watch

Nerd: "Excuse me please - I have to call my Orthodontist."

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Cream for a Day

Ah, the acne cream episode. Zit Away, Beldasil, Obviously Whiped Cream and toothpaste: call it by any name and it is still is wonder and a blessing and a wonder.

Today, a chemistry experiment blows up in Screech's face (literally! Hahahaha!) which is an experience I'm sure every one who's been in a sitcom can relate to. Does it burn his flesh? Give him super powers? Nope, it demolishes blemishes in a matter of hours (the underlying science behind such a physiological miracle is, as I'm sure you've assumed, explained ad naseum - if ad nauseum means not at all). Unintential side effect - maroon blotchy rashes. Oh, also comedy!

Also today, we find out that Bayside hasn't beaten Valley at football in 23 years and that is probably because their star quarterback is a freshman and Slater. Also, CRATERFACE COBURN! That kid should have been a regular.

Zack: "Give 'em some I.D., Charles."

Craterface: "(Loud "Revenge of the Nerds"-style laugh.)"


Today's Quote

Jessie (giving Valley's cheer): We won I'm sure we won get re-al like forever is the deal.

Man, somebody wrote that.

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

After a truly spectacular rap by Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie (so far, the whole gang has rapped at least once, with Slater going twice with today's human beat-box debacle), the famed Bayside school cheer. Sing along, kids:

Everybody: Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Go Bayside!!!!!!!

Most Implausible Moment

Lisa (to Kelly): "How is anyone going to find out you wear a retainer?"

Nerd: "Wanna join our Retainer Club?!"

C'mon. A Retainer Club?


"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Screech: "My worst nightmare has come true!"

Zack: "You found out ALF* was a puppet?"

Screech: "He is?"

Screech: "It could do wonders for Gorbachev*!"

Zack: "Sort of like an Acne Glasnost."

And, the pièce de résistance:

Craterface: "Jason Bateman's not on the $10 bill!"

* What is with all the ALF and Gorbachev's head stuff? Seriously?


When was Jason Bateman President?

Monday, August 16, 2004

Dancin' to the Max

Today, Bayside gets served, as the students dance at the command of one Casey Kasem. "Two will enter, one will leave," bellows Casey, as the ruthless Applause-O-Meter determines the fate of our heroes. Who will survive? The Spandex Twins? The Powerhouse Preppies? The Warriors? Only the Applause-O-Meter knows for sure.

Also today, Jessie is super-racist against short people, we hear some decidedly rockin' Bach, Mr. B refers to himself as the "Big Bopper" for the first time ever, and Slater just dances and smiles and dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances!

Today's Quote

Jessie: "Zack, you don't know what it's like to be the freak. Taller than all the boys. The jokes, the looks, the whispers.

Wait till Showgirls comes out Ms. Spannow - you ain't seen jokes, looks and whispers.

Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame

Casey Kasem's flubbing of this line turns a commonplace lemon into the sweetest lemonade:

Casey Kasem: C'mon everybody! Let's do...the...(looks down, flustered) ... the sprain!

Most Implausible Moment

When the school band rocks their socks off to the tunes of the Big Bach-er, the sound of a mighty saxophone takes center stage.

One problem: There is no saxophone in the room.

"Fat People Are Not People Too" Watch

Mr. Margolies: "Poor Mrs. Wickham slipped and got her head stuck in a tuba."

Slater: "Maybe they should get Fat Tommy to blow her out."

Mr. Margolies: "Good idea."

The incessant mocking of the overweight is not just rampant in the halls of Bayside, it is ENCOURAGED!

Thursday, August 5, 2004

Masquerade Ball

Ok, so today an anonymous series of love letters between Screech and Lisa causes confusion and distrees which probably sounds familiar to you because the EXACT SAME THING happened in Monday's episode, "Love Letters."

Dear Saved by the Bell, While I will admit to finding it charming when you recycle just about every plot from sitcom history, this does not mean that it is cool with me if you recycle one of these plots more than once! That is cheating!

Also in this episode, Ms. Cullpepper, the blind teacher who is so blind that it is clear she can only make out vague shapes and that is probably pretty dangerous and oh yeah it is ironic because she teaches art which is the one subject that blind people probably shouldn't teach, plays the Miss Bliss role in the "I-Don't-Want-To-Date-Mr.-Belding-Misunderstanding." Between her and Mrs. Simpson, Saved by the Bell teaches us that, while wheelchailers are OFF-LIMITS, it is OK to make fun of the blind and deaf.

Also, there are sweet costumes and Mr. B. is a pirate(!) and Slater is an astronaut (but Ginger thinks he is a deep sea diver hahahaha) and he accidentally makes out with Screech dressed as Gumby so for a second I was like, "When did I start watching Velvet Goldmine?" Plus, Lisa loves Zack which is so awkward that it is never ever talked about again (except for the really weird one where they start dating, but I can only take these one at a time people). And Screech does the world's worst Groucho Marx for absolutely no reason.


Today's Quote

Tori: I think he's a jerk...and a hypocrite!

Screech: No he's not! He's a Methodist!

Most Implausible Moment

When Tori is in the cat costume pretending to be Lisa while Zack confesses, why does she act like a cat, rubbing her "paws" on her face and meowing?

Why would anyone think that makes any kind of sense whatsoever?

"How'd That Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Can me and my tongue go now?"

The Max Menu Watch

Today's Confirmed Menu Items:

1. Hamburger

2. Turkey Burger

3. Chicken Burger

4. Little Green Peas

Wednesday, August 4, 2004

The Showdown

There are many who malign the Miss Bliss years, who say that the Midwestern yokels of JFK Middle School can't compete with the sexy swagger of the Bayside crowd. To those naysayers and jetsetters, I say only this:

Behold the power of DEKE!

This is easily one of my all-time favorites, as Deke the illiterate bully (played by David Boreanaz lookalike Andras Jones, in the role that should have made him a star) wreaks havoc on the idyllic city of Indianapolis and spouts some of the best dialogue in Saved by the Bell history!

Also in this episode, Lisa and Nikki drive me crazy with their stupid fight over Nikki's play about a park ranger that I don't care about because goddammit where the hell is Deke?!!!

Today's Quote:

Mikey: I've got some advice: When Deke hits you, fall on a fat kid.

Jeez Louise, Mikey, fat kids have feeling too!

Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame:

Deke: You know what would make me feel better? Erasing the lines on the basketball court...with your FACE!

Man, I wish I had more Deke, but, except for this piece of 25 karat gold, it's mostly all in the delivery - simply put, Deke has to be seen to be believed.

Most Implausible Moment

Consider the following exchange:

Miss Bliss: "Do your parent's know [that you can't read]?"

Deke: "Who do you think taught me not to read?!"

Wait a second. They TAUGHT you how NOT to read? I, uh, I don't get it.

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Milo: "I even named it - Woody."

Tina: "This is a stage, the show must go on, and Woody's gonna get nailed!"


Oh, and one more thing:

Deke (to Screech, but also, to the world):


That's right, Deke, let it all out. Just ... let it all out...

Tuesday, August 3, 2004


No, this isn't deja vu! The Saved by the Bell writers liked the idea of a teen-line so much, they don't mind calling it up againl!

This time, though, it ain't just about scheming! You see, painfully earnest biker-chick Tori suggests a "Teen-Line and Rap Room (awesome)" for the mandatory senior class community service project. So, today, along with the comedy, lessons.

Also today, Screech is for no real reason matched with a rambunctious little brother and lameness ensues. Plus, wheelchair basketball!

Today's Quote:

Screech: Rap Room? I love that show! I see Zack - he's a doobie!

Most Implausible Moment

Holy cow! The things Zack says about his handicapped girlfriend? Unbelievable!

A sampling:

Zack (on first date): 'Whoa! You're in a wheelchair!"

Zack (to everybody else: "Now look, Melissa's handicapped but she's really comfortable with it so let's move on, OK?!"

Zack (in movie theater): "Excuse me sir, would you mind slumping down? My date's in a wheelchair!"

Zack (in the rap room): Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice!"

Great Grandma Moses!

'How's This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech shoots for two today:

Screech: "...and then my mom bought me this blow-up doll."


Screech: "Whenever you have ideas, I end up in my underwear!"

"Dad, Did People Really Talk Like That" Watch

Slater: "All right Prepmeister way to go Amigo give me a fiver!"

Monday, August 2, 2004

Love Letters


Today, the continuity jumped 3 years and into the horrid quagmire that is Tori! Not only that, it was an episode I've already done! Sheesh!

Luckily, there is always the 7-8am slot. So, I bring you a Miss Bliss episode from this morning:

So, today a lame love letter brings about chaste flirtation, impossible misunderstandings, and little to no Mikey Gonzalez. Also, it turns out, Zack is only friends with Screech when conveniant. Boy, I bet he wishes he remembered that one at Bayside.

Today's Quote

Zack: Where are you going, Screech?

Screech: To quell my woman's buring fire!

Most Implausible Moment

The "Miss Bliss" episodes lack the stupendous, mind-boggling implausibility of the Bayside Years, but, if I have to pick something:

For a supposedly super-smart teacher, Ms. Bliss sure has trouble putting this one together.

"No Child Left Behind" Watch

Hunky Substitute Jerry Vick: "Serious thinking? I gave that up years ago. I guess that's why I'm a substitute teacher."

Hahaha. Good one Jerry!

"Saved by the Bell vs. The Collected Works of Charles Dickens" Watch

Topic: Spontaneous Combustion

Saved by the Bell:

Miss Bliss, quoting from Zack's prior excuses (1987): "'My grandmother was reading my homework when she spontaneously combusted.'"


Bleak House (1853): "It was shewn upon the evidence that she had died the death to which this name of spontaneous combustion has been given."

Winner: Saved by the Bell (Score: 1-0)