Friday, April 1, 2005

Aloha Slater

So this is the last entry for this run of the Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day. I'd like to say thanks to all of you new readers who emailed me, posted comments, blogged about the site, etc. - I still can't believe that so many people like to read about somebody else watching TV.

This blog will update sporadically (basically, whenever I have lunch at home), so sign up to your right to receive an email next time I do a Quote of the Day. NotifyList is acting a little wonky, so if it doesn't work now, try back in a little bit.

And now, without further folderol or adieu, here is the last SBtB of the spring: "Let's Pretend Slater's Dying So He Goes to Hawaii". In today's episode, Zack is mad because chicks dig jocks, so he makes up a disease ("Mumbioquadralationosis" for those keeping score)! What? Now Kelly is going to Hawaii too? Must be time for hi jinks and a lesson perhaps!

Also today, almost too much! Slater wrestles Mr B, Screech does the whole hiding-in-file-cabinet-handing-file-to-authority-figure schtick that Scooby-Doo used to get so much mileage from, Zack has a ridiculously low-budget light-bulb "I-have-an-idea" effect, an amazing scene where Mr Belding seems incredible callous and cruel and Jessie's all "How could you?", an amazing scene where Slater's dad acts like a maniac and breaks his desk with his fist, an amazing scene where there is a goodbye hula dance for Slater and Screech cross-dresses and becomes the Pineapple Princess for no apparent reason, and (inexplicably due to ants and pepper) Slater dances and sneezes and dances and dances and sneezes and dances! Phew!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: ...[Slater]'s very popular with the girls. In fact, he gets almost as many whistles around the pool as I do.

What's Mr Belding doing walking around the pool?

Saved By The Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Unnamed Teacher: This is Study Hall, NOT SOUL TRAIN!

Most Implausible Moment

Um, who did they think they were kidding when they moved some lockers and inserted the trophy case to try and make it look like there's a second hallway at Bayside? Because they are not fooling anybody.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Major Slater:"How do you find Mr Belding?"

Zack: "Confused, but well-meaning."

Major Slater:"I mean his office. Where is it?"

Screech: "He's with the school nurse."

Major Slater: "And where is the school nurse?

Screech: "She's with Mr. Belding."

Major Slater: "I know that. Where's her office?

(Screech and Zack point in opposite directions)

Hahahahaha! Third base!

ALF/Gorbachev Watch

It's back!

Screech: "Third place, wow! I once finished fifth in an ALF look-alike contest!"

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "Everyone hopes for that one shining moment: Joe Montana in the Super Bowl, Kirk Gibson in the World Series, Flo Jo in the Olympics..."

Hahaha! You forgot Bo Jackson, Zack!

How'd This Get Past Satndards? Watch

Kelly: "Will you teach me how to wrestle?"


Slater: "You only get one chance with the Major."

OK, that's the end of this chapter! Stay awesome everybody!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Screech's Woman

So today, Zack dresses like a girl! Hahahahaha!

Also in this episode, Lisa mostly makes out with some dude (who is black because let's not court controversy here people), there's one of those great cue-strings-lovers-crossing-room-arms-outstretched-slo-mo parody bits that are really fresh and new, Jessie is racist against Screech, Screech does the old Binaca-spritz before using the phone gag (he didn't do the miss-his-mouth-and-spray-his-eye bit though - that's a missed opportunity Screecher!), and Zack continues his worst accent ever trip around the globe - this time crossing genders to do the worst "Southern Belle" accent ever!

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: Young lady, the Men's Room is one of the few doors that education should NOT open for you!

Most Implausible Moment

Jessie (commenting on her volcano science project): "We are not only going to get an A on this project, but we're also going to get the science medal."

Ah yes, the highly-coveted "Best Proof That Vinegar and Baking Soda Make Foam" Medal that all the scientists get so excited about.

What is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater's proposed name for the volcano: Slater's Crater


Slater: "Hey, this phone is occupado, paisan."

Hahaha! There is seriously something wrong with Slater!

PUNS! Watch

Mr Belding: "They usually wear a locket, not a locker."

I actually don't think that's a pun, but who cares? I'm in charge here.

The Things Screech Compares Himself To Compendium

Today's entries:

1. Snake spit.

2. Hummingbird droppings.

3. A young buck.

4. Billy Idol.

5. A worm.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "I learned that trick from the Chinese Acrobats!"

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

The Gift

First of all, to those of you came here by way of either or Flak Magazine, welcome! If you read either one, then it can be safely assumed that you are a person of the finest taste and comportment. And, to those of you who came here via Google, that slash-fiction where Slater and Zack meet Bo and Luke Duke is somewhere else I think. Sorry to disappoint you!

So, in today's episode, Screech develops the ability to tell the future because he got struck by lightening, following the explicit rules set out in The Cliched Sitcom Handbook ("Chapter 12: Amnesia, Clairvoyance and Alter-Egos: So Your Character Has Been Struck on the Head/By Lightening/By a Car"). So, um, clearly, scamming.

Also in this episode, the first appearance by Mr. George "Terrible" Testeverde (who you might also know as "the guy in the Micromachines commercials who talked really fast" or "the guy in Transformers: The Movie that talked really fast" - and, no, not Orson Welles people!), Zack does the worst Elvis impersonation in the world for absolutely no reason, Screech in an afro wig!!, this awesome scene where Mr Testeverde talks really fast and Jessie makes smoke on her paper trying to take notes. Outrageous!

Today's Quote

Screech: "Now I see the Committees of Correspondence and the Battle of Trenton. No wait! It's the Battle of the Network Stars! I see Patrick Henry ... no, it's Patrick Swayze ... dirty dancing across the Delaware with ... Martha Washington? I see Paul Revere on a bus. Zack! Did you know Lincoln freed the Japanese?!

That's the second Dirty Dancing reference in a week. Say what you want, Saved by the Bell does NOT put baby in the corner.

Most Implausible Moment

Let's assume that the lightening bolt was able to generate the necessary 1.21 gigawatts we all know is necessary for time travel, and examine the following:

Mr Belding: "Um, Screech, I'm just curious - my mother-in-law is staying with us indefinitely. By any chance, can you tell me-"

Screech: "She'll be gone by Tuesday."

Mr Belding: "All right!"

(cue uproarious laughter and applause from "audience")

Are we really supposed to believe that this standard-issue Mother-In-Law joke brought the house down? Bad form, Saved by the Bell laughing track. Bad form, indeed.

PUNS! Watch

Jessie: "I've had straight A's since Sesame Street!"

Zack: "You mean you were a Big Bird brain?"


Slater: "I really could use you ham radio. There's that gymnast I left back in Germany - she really flipped over me."

Fun With Alliteration Watch

Zack: "The three worst things that can happen to a kid are measles, mumps, and midterms."

What about foot fungus, flatulence, and finals, Zack?

Grody to the Max! Watch

Lisa: "You know, I have so much food in me, you could put a quarter in my mouth and a bag of Doritos would come popping out."

Popping out of where?

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Slater: "I gotta come home and start making a slave list."

Zack: "You wish, Slater."

Slater: "Hey, startin' tomorrow, it's gonna be Master Slater."

Say, maybe you slash-fictioners aren't so far off after all...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Fatal Distraction

Before we start I'd like to point out that the title of this episode is both PUNS! and a Slaterism. It's two-for-Tuesday I guess!

So today, Zack is on the dodge because girls just can't stop asking him to the dance but he wants Kelly to ask him to the dance so Zack must do a terrible Middle Eastern accent because Zack has to do every accent at some point in the series so why not start here? Also, why doesn't he go ahead and bug Jessie's bedroom for the big slumber party? And why doesn't Kelly pretend to be a crazy maniac lady? There's no reason not to, because this is TeeVee!

Also today, Rhonda Robistelli, the jocky girl who digs on Zack hardcore and who I totally forgot existed, makes her premiere, there's another dream sequence where girls like boys too much, Screech does the world's worst Michael Jackson impersonation for no reason at all but at least he dresses like Michael Jackson which is great and then uh-oh he gets busted by Mr. Belding because the school has a dress code (what?). Hey, isn't Michael Jackson in the news these days?

Today's Quote

Lisa (in dream sequence): Screech is everything a girl could want. He's strong; sensitive; funny, but not silly; and he makes me tingle all over.

Screech (waking up from dream): Zack! I make her tinkle!

A character misunderstanding his own dream sequence is bronze, silver and gold, people.

Most Implausible Moment

Now that we're at the beginning of the series, here's one to ponder: Why is Zack always talking to the camera? Who is he talking to? The more you think about it, the more problematic it becomes (like Zeno's paradox or R2-D2's rocket boots in the last Star Wars movie).

The Rhonda Robistelli Compendium, Chapter 1

Rhonda: "Hey Zackee! Hey, what's da rush, button-nose?"

Rhonda: "Hey Zackee, we gotta talk, hunk o' mine. (To the gang) That boy has got one cute behind, oo!

Rhonda: "Sure, take five. I'll go wash my face and floss (wink) for later."

Rhonda: "Mom's visiting dad in the slammer, and we got the house all to ourselves."

Zack: "I don't kiss on the first date."

Rhonda: "Whoo-hoo, good thing for us - I DO."

Bullies Watch

Two for the books today:

Terrible Tommy Tanner

Norman No-Neck Nunzio

Wait a second, isn't Nedick "No-Neck" too? What's with the necks, Bayside?

History's Fool Watch

Lisa: "...if he had the qualities of, say, Michael Jackson. Gentle, talented, gorgeous, and light on his feet."

You, um, you left out a few qualities there, Lisa.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "How'd the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition get in here?"

Zack: "I have needs, too."

Hahaha! Tell it, brother!

Monday, March 28, 2005

King of the Hill

NOW WE ARE TALKING TBS! This here, this is the very first episode of Save by the Bell proper, where Slater comes to town and Zack is all take my locker (I really want your locker because it is next to Kelly's) and Slater is all WE ARE ENEMIES, DUDE!

I remember when this episode first aired (though the memory is a touch hazy): it was a special Monday night premiere, right after Fresh Prince, the night before I started the 6th Grade. I thought to myself, "There is probably a very good chance that, a few years from now, I will watch this show after school, like 800 times a day, until every line sings from the very core of my heart." Then me and my hot model girlfriend had a bucket of fried chicken and took my Camero to the Walmart parking lot and did donuts until dawn, with her whispering "you are awesome, you are awesome..." in my ear the whole time! Yep, that is exactly how it went down I think.

Also in today's episode, all that is good and golden - Mr Dewey, Mrs. Simpson, TONS of Mrs. B references (Mr Belding: "Zack, put Mrs. Belding down!"), scamming!, professionally printed signs that no student could have, more scamming, etc.!!!!!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: Mrs. B and I did take up synchronized swimming. You haven't seen Dirty Dancing until you've seen us under water. Hah-ha!

Most Implausible Moment

Slater: "I've been in 14 different schools in the past 3 years."

Um, no you haven't because that is ridiculous. You are a liar.

Also, where did Zack get a remote-controlled, life-size picture of Kelly Kapowski playing volleyball and how many Proofs of Purchase from Fruit Gushers do I need to get one?

Mr Dewey Watch

Mr Dewey: "Ok people, settle down. I'm Mr Dewey how was your summer mine stunk let's get started."

Mr Dewey: "We're about to embark on an exhilarating journey into the world of Algebra ... I'll wait till your hearts stop pounding."

Mr Dewey: "I don't believe it and I don't care. I'm tired, I have a toothache, and I have to go home and pump iron."

Man, did the Dew-man have his own writer or something? This stuff is like it's from another show where people say things that are funny.

What is Wrong With Slater? Watch

It's nice to see he started out retarded.

Zack: "I'm Zack Morris."

Slater: "And I'm Roger Rabbit, so what?"

Zack: "You should take [my locker] - it's right next to the girl's bathroom."

Slater: "Unless it's IN the girl's bathroom, I'm not interested."

Wait a second? Unless it's IN the girl's bathroom? Ladies and gentleman, I spy a "SLATERISM"!

PUNS! Watch

Zack: "You're going to be Mr. Rogers?"

Mr Belding: "You're in the right neighborhood."

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Cindy (the Wake-Up Call Girl): "It's seven o'clock, tiger, time to roar!"


Friday, March 25, 2005

Parents and Teachers

For those of you furiously hacking away at your Saved by the Bell fan fiction, trying to craft the perfect story to create continuity between the Miss Bliss episodes and the Bayside years, I regret to inform you that today's episode presents significant problems. For today, we meet Zack's dad, who is named Peter not Derrick, and who is not married to Mrs. Morris and who spends a significant part of this episode trying to make out with Miss Bliss. I do not envy any of you. That said, you've done some amazing work with the Tori Paradox. If anybody can untangle this knot, it's you.

Also in this episode, not much!

Today's Quote

Zack: Ok, I'll cheer him up ... Hey Screech, have you heard? At exactly two o'clock today, a shower of asteroids is gonna level Cleveland.

I guess Screech has a thing about Cleveland.

Most Implausible Moment

Mr Belding: "...[The parents] started telling principal jokes."

Miss Bliss: "What'd you do?"

Mr Belding: "What could I do? I told a few zingers myself?"

Principal jokes? C'mon.

PUNS! Watch

Screech: "Get this - my dad told me he was Glue Monitor too! That's how he got stuck on my mom!"

You see Screech was a Glue Monitor at one point I guess, so that oh nevermind

Made Up Bands! Watch

Zack: "I didn't know Hot Lead was going to get the mumps!"

Hot Lead? It's no Bo Revere, but it's still pretty sweet.

No Child Left Behind Watch

Miss Bliss: "I mean, how do you tell a parent that their child is best qualified to be a speed bump?"

Oucherz, Miss B.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch:

Milo: "It's a side of Pokey I'd rather not see."

Thursday, March 24, 2005


For the next couple days, we'll be firmly entrenched at JFK Middle School, Indianapolis, USA. While the Miss Bliss years lack the over-the-top hi jinks of Bayside, we can be thankful of one thing - there's no Tori!

In today's episode, rock star Stevie (who combines the girl-next-store wholesomeness of a Debbie Gibson with the mallrat spank of Tiffany in an electrifying combo punch) returns home for a farewell performance before enrolling in Notre Dame which is pretty specific for Saved by the Bell. Zack makes a bet, pretends he's dying, and then learns it's wrong to pretend you're dying by making out with a famous rock star, which is something I think we can all relate too.

Also in this episode, Nicki is a hypocrite, Screech does the most awful Hans and Frans impersonation ever for absolutely no reason at all, Mikey and Milo barely register, and there is a ridiculously long performance of an entire made-up pop song by Stevie that I guess was in case the editors at Tiger Beat had a subscription to The Disney Channel. Or had a friend who could tape it.

Today's Quote

Miss Bliss: What do you think it was that sustained the pioneers through their darkest times?

Screech: Night lights?

Most Implausible Moment

So, when Zack's lie is exposed, Stevie, with no explanation at all, picks Screech to be the hunk she sings her song to. I guess at JFK being a dork is just one step above having a terminal illness on the ol' pathetic-o-meter.

Poor nerds.

Old People Are SO Square! Watch

Mr. Belding: "Lay it upon me! I'm hip!"

Come on Bopper, you can do better than that!

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch (Extended Collector's Edition)

Screech: "Guess my new toothpaste finally works!"


Nicki: "You kissed her poster you pervert!"


Stevie: "Help! There's a kid trying to get me to autograph his fly collection!"

-AND (hitting it out of the park)-

Miss Bliss: "Zack, I'll take as much of that action as I can get."

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Class Rings

So, this episode has one thing going against it ( SO MUCH TORI!) and one major thing for it (SO MUCH GEM DIAMOND!), so, all in all, we break even. In today's episode, Mr Belding gives Zack yet another responsibility that he will mess up due to scamming. Hypothetically, this leads to comedy if you define hypothetically as "a thing which is not true". So it's all, Get class rings Zack! You did? Yay! Oh wait you blew it? We're mad at you Zack! Oh wait, you fixed it with a contrived scam that would never actually work? You're forgiven Zack! Et cetera and so on and so forth. Also, a subplot involving Screech and Tori where who cares go away Tori!

Also in this episode, an appearance from Maxwell the rich nerd who always refers to his babes and is amazing, The Amazing Zondo meats his maker, Lisa is SO grumpy (what is wrong Lisa?), and also GEM DIAMOND the sleazy ring salesman (PUNS!) who dresses like your "ironic" friend dressed at prom and is totally like Nathan Lane in every way which is probably not a good thing except today it is!

Today's Quote

Screech: Oh no! Did you get a hickey from a Martian?

Most Implausible Moment

How can a dude as muscular as AC Slater be so freaking bad at playing a tough guy? It's like Woody Allen mixed with Elton John with balloons in his shirt.

And seriously, what was wrong with Lisa today? It's like she suddenly realized she's on some kind of crappy sitcom or something!

Create Your Own Context Watch

Create your own context for the following quote:

Gem Diamond: If I told her once, I told her a hundred times - Ma, don't put the Greco-Roman 3000 in the display case!

PUNS! Watch:

Mr Belding: "Who wants to be in charge? Sort of like the ring leader. HAH-ha!"

Comedy 101 Watch

Today's lesson: The Ol' Switcheroo

Screech: "Ah, an open relationship, eh? I can dig it. I'm sophisticated. When should I have my mom pick you up?"

Hahaha! You see what they did there? They got an A+!

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "Guess who, my leather angel..."

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The Will

So, today, it is Mr. Belding's sad duty to report that revolutionary underwear innovator and Bayside graduate Frederick Field has left his mortal coil. But, proving the old adage re: silver linings, Bayside's favorite dead alum has left $10,000 to the school.

What is to be done with such a financial windfall? New books? Aid to underprivileged students? Comedy writers under 50-years-old? A second hallway? Nope, this money shall go to the most noble of enterprises, the most vaunted of institutions: high school athletics!

But this is Bayside after all, and what is Bayside without a hackneyed and implausible BATTLE OF THE SEXES which results in AN ELABORATE SERIES OF CONTESTS and STEVE WANTING TO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE!

Also in this episode: people walking into lockers (not once but twice!), ridiculous and embarrassing chants/raps ("We bad, we know it; We bad, we showed it"), LIMBO SLATER!, and pineapple upside-down cake, which is famous for being the cake that only exists on television! Hooray!

Today's Quote

Slater: Yeah, the football team is starting to feel the budget crunch too. We're starting to use fat nerds as tackling dummies.

Oh Slater. Oh my.

Most Implausible Moment

The entire premise of this episode makes me want to take out my brain, wash it in a weak bleach solution, and allow it to dry in the sun. Maybe then I shall be clean again.

What is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater: "Excuse me ladies, but this victory train is pulling into the station. One more win and this ride is O-VAH! Choo-choo!"

Seriously Slater? What is wrong with you?

PUNS! Watch

Two today!

Mr. Belding: "One of Bayside's favorite graduates, Frederick Field, passed away yesterday..."

Ox: "Hey hey! Did he invent the football field?"

While maybe not technically a pun, that surely fits all the technical specifications for AWESOME.


Mr Belding: "Everything you need to bake a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake is on your respective tables. So, pick your chef and let's see what's cooking! HAH-ha!"

Oh Mr B, thank you. Thank you so much.


Zack: "I was thinking about that dance on Friday - what time should I pick you up?"

Tori: "Oh how about a quarter to never!"

Hahahaha! "0/4=0" Zack! Hahahaha!

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "I guess those are soft-boiled balls."

Monday, March 21, 2005

The Substitute

It looks like I'll be eating lunch at home for the next two weeks, so back to the old SBTB grindstone. And look what we've found today:

Uh-oh, Miss Simpson's back is out due to an old hockey injury (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't play hockey Saved by the Bell!). You know what this means! No, not cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble. Well, actually, yes, cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble, but also substitute teacher extraordinaire, Handsome Dan TONY CRANE! It seems the girls of Bayside have fallen for this Shakespearean stud, and who can blame them? Sometimes he dresses like a pirate and all the time he wears bright white socks with loafers, just like their grandfathers!

Also in this episode, Miss Simpson on a skateboard (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't ride skateboards Saved by the Bell!), a bit where they do that tooth sparkle effect where I actually laughed, Slater and Zack offer the pinky swear as the default teenage form of contractual agreement, and there's this actress named Vicki who does that awesome pan-European accent that you only hear in sitcoms! Is she German? French? Italian? Stop, you're all right!

And you know what Saved by the Bell? You're all right too.

Today's Quote

Slater: It's gonna get worse Preppie. I've seen this in other schools I've been to: some smooth talkin' teacher comes in, and, before you know it, he's taken our women.

Screech: He's gonna take our mothers?!

Man, where did Slater go to school? Roman Polanski Junior High? Jerry Lee Lewis Elementary? The Rob Lowe Middle School?

Ha! I got a million of 'em!

Most Implausible Moment

Well, looking past Miss Simpson (period) and all the nonsense with the actress, I'm going to highlight this little gem:

Jessie: "When he looked at me during the fire drill, the smoke detectors went off."

This is one of those sentences that, at first glance, appears to make sense, but, the more you think about, the more you realize that it is absolutely, ludicrously, beautifully nonsensical. Is there word for that? If not, allow me to suggest one: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Slaterism.

Comedy 101 Watch

Today's lesson: How to make the handicapped work for you.

Mr. Belding: "Miss Simpson, did your back go out again?"

Miss Simpson: "No no. My back went out again!"

Hahaha! A+!

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Zack: Teenage girls are suckers for the great poets, like Jon Bon Jovi, Axel Rose, and Jazzy Jeff..."

Wait a second. When was Jazzy Jeff famous?

Theatre of the Absurd Watch

Woman on Loudspeaker: "Mr Belding, please report to the gymnasium. Tiny Hartwick is stuck in the net again."

Mr Belding: "I told them to stop using him as a volleyball."

Geez. How small is this kid?

OK, remember to check in every afternoon for the next two weeks! There'll be something here I bet.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Mamas and The Papas

I went home for lunch today, so you know what that means. Yes, hot dogs, but also Saved by the Bell!

So, in today's episode, Bayside plays Noah's Ark and the students are separated two by two. It's "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" minus Four for a total of Six! What?

That's right, it's the "Make Pretend You're Married" unit in Bayside’s Not-Specific Ed. class, so let's pair us some teens. According to Mr. B, couples are matched alphabetically, so Zack goes with Kelly, Slater goes with Jessie, Screech goes with Lisa, and wait a second that doesn't make any sense at all.

Also, in this episode, Lisa develops a narratively convenient allergy to Screech that gives her a chance to twitch and scratch and ACT, Lisa has one of those trademarked early SBTB dreams where Screech's head is superimposed on everything in her room, and surrealist master Luis Buñuel makes a surprise directing cameo in the last 2 minutes, orchestrating a Freudian-influenced scene in which Kelly and Zack prepare to "dine" on their "child" Screech, whose head is offered to them on a platter. In a moment clearly influenced by Buñuel's experiences with lucid dreaming, Screech's head ends up cloaked in a wig and bonnet, becoming a crying baby girl.

Today's Quote

Jessie: Haven't you ever heard of the women's movement?

Slater: Sure, put on somethin' cute and move it into the kitchen.

Most Implausible Moment

The main six characters participate in the marriage project alone, while the rest of the class sits on the side and takes notes. Is it just me or does Bayside seem to be putting all of its educatin' eggs in these six rather dim-looking baskets?

Christo Watch

Slater (as Screech writes Lisa's name in toothpaste on a bathroom mirror): "Screech, what are you doing with that toothpaste?"

Screech: "I'm making a symbolic statement - Lisa's giving me the brush!"

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Screech (to Mr. Belding): "If the girls say no, will you be my Daddy?"