Friday, July 30, 2004

Dr. Kelly

In Saved by the Bell land, there's Sports Bar called "Skeeters," which is like "Hooters" without the super-clever name (they're not just talking about OWLS, guys!). But, for this episode to make sense, you have to pretend its actually a brothel with prostitutes who have SEX for MONEY. Because that is the only way to explain the gang's insane reaction when Kelly starts working there.

Also, there is a young prostitute who calls Screech "sugarbritches" so Screech falls in love with her but uh-oh she calls all of her "customers" "sugarbritches" so Screech learns life's most valuable lesson: Not all hookers have a heart of gold. Take it from a man who's learned that one the hard way (zing!).

Couple this with a lame subplot about Mike trying out for the 49ers (complete with dreadfully earnest training montage. Gatorade on Screech's head? Oh no you didn't!), and you have a half-hour of my life that I will never get back. At least I had some hot dogs.

Today's Quote

Slater: ...38 inch waitressess!

Screech: Oh c'mon Slater! Those girls were taller than that.

Most Implausible Moment

Remember that time in college that you and your buddies had such a good time at a bar that you chanted the bar's name all the way home and into your dorm room?

You don't? Huh.

Ack! Watch

Kelly: "You know my mother once burned her bra. She fell asleep and a Virginia Slim fell out of her mouth."

GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN AND ALL THE SAINTS! I hope she wasn't wearing the bra!

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Model Students

Model StudentsMan oh man, the title of this episode should be WELCOME TO NERD CITY! I think we need a price check in aisle hillarity, 'cuz here's what they're sellin' at the nerd-run school store:

Florescent Pocket Protectors (for pajamas)

Refrigerator Magnets Made from Used Retainers

A Clock in a Large Conch Shell

An Autographed Photo of Mr. Rogers (awesome!)

Flesh-Colored Band-Aids for Nerds - Ultra-Pale (the Best Seller)

Also in this episode, some nonsense about modelling and Paris and Zack being the worst boyfriend ever, etc. But, if you're ever watching this episode, you should turn it off after the first 10 minutes and pretend the episode is just about nerds. Glorious nerds!

Today's Quote

Slater: They're called muscles. I got them by bench pressing nerds!

Most Implausible Moment

If Screech took the calendar photos in secret, why are all of the girls posing? What kind of swim practice is this??

One other question: If the nerd-run school store has exactly zero sales in their books, how can they have a best seller?

Nerd Name Update

2 more for the roster:

Norman Hattenbak

Ronald Geekman

There was a third nerd today, but, in a direct nod to Carol Reed's noir classic, this "third man" remains a mystery.

Misc. Name Update

Harriet Hippoman (Kelly's alternate on the swim team)

Hillarious Photo Shoot Dialogue Watch

Adam Trask (to Lisa): "Hip and happenin'...trendy, trendier, trendiest!"

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Zack's War

So, today we learn that in the 90's, the State of California created the ultra-secret "Cadet Corp" in order to actively recruit high school students into the Army. And boy oh boy does the Army look like fun! You get to march around, play in poorly constructed indoor jungle gyms, and stage strange American Gladiator battles with Mr. Belding dressed in spandex and called "Beldor."

Saddam Hussein is never mentioned, but his spector remains...

Also, it's a nerd/jock feast today with major roles for Alan (no pun intended, fatty), Louise, and two guys named Butch and Rocko. Sadly, this is the last we'll ever see of Butch and Rocko, leaving us to conclude that they are currently somewhere along the treacherous border between Pakistan and Afghanastan, looking for nerds to squash.

Today's Quote


Resident fatty Alan gets some delicious KP duty with 2 big ones today. Drop and give me funny, Alan!

Alan: Why should I join the Cadet Corp?

Zack: Because the new army serves cake at every meal!

Alan: Slice me in!


Zack: Alan! I said HALT!

Alan: I thought you said malt!

Most Implausible Moment

When Molly, the girl of Screech's dreams for one episode only, drops Butch and immediately starts making out with Screech when he wins the big obstacle race, we not only question the scene's plausibility - we question Molly's patriotism!

Ladies, when your hunk goes off to war, it is your patriotic duty stay true to him. The second you go off makin' it with some 4-A nerd who's home working on some nerd nonsense like the Manhattan Project, the terrorists have already won.

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Louise: I'm a human dart ... suck my dust, Slater!

History's Fool Watch

Zack: Hey, lighten up Lieutenant! There's no war. Haven't you heard? Peace broke out all over the world!

So quit yer mewin', Bosnia!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Miss Bayside

Screech as Miss Bayside? I don't believe it! CRAY-ZEE!

Today, we get to see some truly amazing things:

1. We get to see the Bayside Auditorium - which looks suspiciously like the Bayside movie theater with the lights on.

2. Screech preforms magic as "The Great Screechini," whose big show stopper seems to be a multi-colored handkerchief that simply doesn't end! I mean, how is that possible? Handkerchiefs have to have an end, don't they?

3. Belding sings!

4. Slater drums! Oh man, why oh why won't they rerun Kids Incorporated? That show was just an orgy of Mario Lopez dancin' and smilin' and drummin' and dancin' and smilin'!

5. Finally, we get to see more Kevin the Robot then I know how to deal with! Kevin drinks Root Beer, burps, wears reading glasses, sneezes, and accidentally punches Screech in the face! Just like the robot I was going to build!

Also, for some reason Slater and Screech wear socks and sneakers in the swimsuit competition, but the girls go barefoot. And, it turns out, Jessie is racist against attractive people.

Today's Quote

Zack: Hey Screech, I have something very important to tell you!

Screech: ALF flew back to Melmac?!

Most Implausible Moment

I'd like to see how a Beauty Contest fits in with California State school system's curriculum.

I mean, does it go into the Physical Education or Peforming Arts budget? Can underprivileged students get state-owned swimsuits on loan? Will the PTA be selling Orange Drink in the lobby? How much does the orange drink cost?? HOW MUCH??!

Monday, July 26, 2004


Take an angry principal, a scheming student, a busy father and a crazy out-of-work actor and what do you have? A recipe for hilarity! Comedy ensues when Zack's failing grades put his big ski trip in danger! Never fear Zack - Bayside's resident actor, James, happens to be waiting tables at The Max! The only thing he'll be serving up is uproarious comedy when James has to play both Zack's father and Mr. Belding. Starring Jerry Van Dyke as Mr. Belding, Kurt Russell as Zack, Ernest Borgnine as the wacky James, and Introducing Mr. Robert Wagner as Derrick Morris!

Also in this episode, there is an amazing dream sequence where we see that the gang at Bayside will age into either Jewish or Southern Hick-style stereotypical old people! Dottering old people are funny - and young people playing dottering old people? Wooo-doggie!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Most Implausible Moment

A "Cat's in the Cradle" moment appears out of nowhere at the end of the episode, to remind us that a lying, scheming student's dishonesty and failing grades are not the fault of the student. No, the blame for his failure lies squarely on the shoulders of his overworked father.

The sins of the father, Derrick Morris...

Issues of Nerdness Watch

Today, we focus on issues of self-identification and respect. Consider the following two quotes:

Curly Haired Nerd: "We're not happy nerds."

Then, less than a minute later, a nerd takes umbrage at Mr. Beldings' slanderous use of the term "nerd", and says the following:

Non-Descript Nerd: "We're not nerds! We're chess jocks, OK?"

Looks like the nerd community might need a Bill Cosby.

Friday, July 23, 2004

The Poker Game

The College Years. Ugh.

So, The College Years really only makes sense if you make pretend that the gang goes to an ultra-strict Puritanical New England College sometime in the late 17th Century.

In this episode (which is barely about a poker game), the young Puritans are not allowed to gamble or imbide alcohol or caffinated beverages or think dirty thoughts or whatever in the dorm, so, to play poker, the gang has to get Mike Rogers (aka Rev. Dimmsdale) out of the dorm. They do this by tempting him with sex. It works because man is weak due to original sin and all that. Everyone goes to hell (which is symbolized by the smoke in the dorm when Rev. Mike and his foul temptress burn dinner in the heat of passion, etc.). Screech is Christ maybe. The End.

Also, all the girls take one of those sitcom karate classes where the teacher calls people up and demonstrates absolutely nothing by slamming them down on gym mats. Next!

Today's Quote

Clara (the gross, oversexed cafeteria worker): You know, 2,000 men come in here everyday, but you're the only one who can make my knees buckle and the hair on my back stand up.


Most Implausible Moment

The girls cannot play poker because they can only talk about what the proper number of babies to have is and what the gender distribution of that number should be? Really??

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Kelly: [Mike Rogers] touched my bunny.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Driver's Education

So, I think TBS is showing these out of order, and I can never tell who's dating who. But, no matter, because this episode's plot was crystal clear:

You see, in this episode, Zack is worried that Kelly MIGHT LIKE SLATER MORE due to A PERCEIVED ADVANTAGE that is OUT OF ZACK'S CONTROL. So, Zack comes up with A PLAN that will make Slater LOOK BAD. The plan WORKS ALL TOO WELL/GOES AWRY. Screech SLIPS UP and GIVES THE PLAN AWAY. Zack GETS IN TROUBLE. But Kelly likes Zack MAYBE EVEN MORE because HE WENT TO ALL THAT TROUBLE JUST FOR HER.

Also, today, Mr Belding and Mr Tuttle hate each other because of office politics, and this leads to awkwardness for the viewer. Plus, the writers pull the old "junky-jalopy-transforms-into-awesome-hot-rod" trick, which, as we all know, is a classic variation on the "librarian-takes-off-glasses-and-is-really-hot" gambit. Kudos!

Today's Quote


Both of today's quotes made it because they rhyme and rhyming is the best.

Mr Tuttle: Pushy pushy, move your tushy!*


Slater: I was in the seat. I'll take the heat.

*Scorecard Alert: That is the second time the word "tushy" has been in a "Quote of the Day"

Most Implausible Moment

Why does Bayside teach Driver's Ed with a strangely ornamented golf cart that ONLY OPERATES IN A CLASSROOM?

Remember the 90's? Watch

Lisa: Yeah right! You'd have better luck trying to get that thing off Gorbachev's head!

Zack: The doctors who worked on Michael Jackson couldn't help this heap.

Kelly: This guy is major weird.

Way cool.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004


So, today Zack is reading a copy of his teenage millionaire magazine and "Hey, why don't I start a 900-number dating-advice phone line? Uh-oh, Kelly's sister Nicki has a crush on me! Why don't I get everyone to fight so I make more money? Uh-oh the school's gone wackadoo! No Screech, don't tell Mr. Belding about our secret involvement with the Teen Line! Lisa, HELP! Nicki, I like bugs. You like bugs too? I don't really like bugs. I love your sister! Hello Kelly dressed up in wig and glasses!"

Also in this episode: Bubba and Mama start dating (even though I thought they already had). Zack is forced yet again to do an accent (he's Australian today), proving once and for all that he is worse at accents than Rob Morrow and Kevin Costner combined!

Oh, and Nicki has this amazing dream sequence that is Cinderella only with Slater, Zack and Screech dressed up as RUN-DMC and actually rapping! A+++++ WOULD WATCH EPISODE AGAIN!

Today's Quote

Screech hits two out of the park!

Screech: The last time you had a big idea, I wound up with my tongue stuck to a moving airplane.


Screech (in deliriously inexplicable surfer dude accent): Like we didn't need to call, because we're two totally together dudes.

Most Implausible Moment

When the Teen Line drama comes to a head and Mr. Manfredi's (where'd this guy come from?) art class fills with Silly String, we are left to wonder: why is there a can of Silly String on every desk?

Dumb Jock Watch

For some reason, Moose (the jock) is dating Louise (the nerd). This is not explained. But, who cares when the outcome is this poem:

The birds and the bees

And the trees

Don't compare to your knees



Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Save the Max

KKTY - Bayside! Today, the gang discovered that there's a radio station in the basement of the school - you know, the one they'll continue to work for whenever it is narratively conveniant. The radio station was cleverly hidden by some white sheets, so that's why nobody's ever heard of it.

Also, we learn that Dicky Belding was a hippy with a huge ass, which allows for many 60's cliches, plus some anachronistic 50's cliches (the Big Bopper?) for good measure. Also, Slater sucks at radio, but everyone else is super good at it. Also, Screech comes up with the worst Al Bundy impression ever! Out of nowhere!

Today's Quote

Slater: In the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.

Most Implausible Moment

The school district owns The Max? Huh?

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Screech: 98% of our listeners want it short, fast, and often.

Must be a lot of dudes listening to KKTY.

Saved by the Bell Muzak Watch:

Today's episode has tons of SBTB Muzak, including a song with words!

The lyrics:

"I need your money/I need your love/I need you honey/When-a push comes to shove/I need your mo-ney!"


Monday, July 19, 2004

Going Steady

This is the episode with the super-hot nurse who's probably the hottest woman in Bayside history. Also, there was a Melvin Nerdly, who, get this, is actually a stud. Plus, Slater is afraid of needles and Jessie is racist against people with glasses. And Screech spent the entire episode in neon green exercise attire.

Oh, and Mrs. Simpson was really deaf, but for a second she had a hearing aid, but that made everything too loud so, after physical comedy-o-rama, off goes the hearing aid. Back to the deaf jokes!

Today's Quote

After Lisa reads her epic poem, "Ode to the Mall," Mrs. Simpson comments:

Mrs Simpson: Thank you, Lisa. I love the Rocky Mountains too!

Most Implausible Moment

Screech was working out to avoid being dead last in the school physicals again this year.

Um, why and how does Bayside rank their student physicals?

PS: Man, that nurse is HOT!

Friday, July 16, 2004

No Hope with Dope

Get comfy because this one's an all-time fave. While Saved by the Bell is great with normal episodes, when they get preachy, whoa baby! Sitcom heaven!

In this episode, imaginary celebrity Johnny Dakota comes to Bayside to let Zack wear his cool purple jacket and develop an inappropriate relationship with Kelly. Oh and Johnny is clearly in trouble with the law (this remains unspoken) and has to do community service in the form of an anti-drug ad, so, also, Don't Do Drugs!

Only, Johnny likes pot, and he especially likes to uncomfortably force pot on high school students. So, Bayside says bye-bye Johnny, and hello Brandon Tartikoff, who I guess is more famous than an imaginary celebrity. But only a little.

Today's Quote

Screech: I hate drugs, but my doctor says I gotta keep taking them if I want to get rid of my post-nasal drip!

SBTB Quote Hall of Fame

Brandon Tartikoff: Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: Don't Do Drugs!

The Whole Gang: There's no hope with dope!

Most Implausible Moment

You see, Mr. Belding and Brandon Tartikoff went to high school together, right? And Mr. Belding wanted to work in entertainment and Brandon Tartikoff wanted to be a principal (What?). But Mr. Belding won the heart of Becky, the superintendent's daughter, and so he gets to be principal (is that how the California public school system really works?) and Brandon Tartikoff is Chairman of NBC Entertainment (What?). So that is why something something...

SBTB Subtly Imparts a Message

Rhonda: "You wanna know what's dumb? My brother used drugs to get high and drive to the beach. Now I have to drive him. He's in a wheelchair."


Imaginary Celebrity Math

Stone Sutherland = Keifer Sutherland

Luke Diamond = Lou Diamond Phillips

Continuity Watch

For this episode, and this episode alone, Ox is named Scud. I don't know why.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

The Prom

In this episode (which I assume was some sort of season finale), everybody gets paired up. Kelly chooses Zack as her prom date, so, of course, Slater ends up with Jesse, and Screech goes to a movie with Lisa and dumps HER! But, uh-oh and lookout, 'cuz Kelly's dad lost his job at the defense plant (what's a defense plant?) because there's never going to be any more war ever and she gives the Prom money back so her 7 brothers and sisters can eat!

Flash forward to 2004. There's tons of war so Kelly's dad has his job back. Now the Kapowskis can stop living off the Prom money!

This episode also marks the first appearance (I think) of Alan, the cake-obsessed fat nerd. Saved by the Bell - Now with 10% more Fat Kid Jokes!

Today's Quote

Slater's had a good week.

Slater : Why would she want to go with a boy, when she can go with a gladiator?

Most Implausible Moment

What's a defense plant?

Alan Thicke Reference Watch

Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon isn't in this movie?

Screech: Yes! Alan Thicke is the zombie! Everybody knows that!

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Blind Dates (or, as it is known in Europe, Screech Probably Has Sexual Intercourse with Mr. Belding's Niece)

Today's Quote

Jesse: [Lisa] also thinks that Arsenio Hall is where the Lakers Play.

Most Implausible Moment

OK, so Mr. Belding's niece is in town, and he has to find a date for her. Wait, what? Why does he have to do that? Not explained.

So, he has to find a date for her, and Screech says he's free. Ok, so Screech is weird, but he's a good student and a nice guy, right? Well, Mr. Belding doesn't think so. Screech is nixed.

So, Mr. Belding blackmails Zack. The same Zack that he hates and doesn't trust and was just about to suspend for a week? Yup, that's the one.


Strangest Moment (Runner-Up)

When Jesse has her "Dating Game" dream sequence (this is the episode where we learn she is racist against short people), the male suitors are: Teddy Krueger, Mason Vorhees, and Donald Chump(!). I get the first two, but Donald Trump? C'mon, he's not that bad.

Strangest Moment (Champion)

By all acounts, it looks very much like Penny Belding brought Screech home to an empty Belding house to bonk his geeky brains out. As she explains, "He's so hot he makes my teeth sweat." Awesome.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Screech's Birthday

Another classic!

This one's a personal favorite, because it has extended roles for Kevin the Robot, Mr. Dewey (the best Saved by the Bell character ever), and the amazing Neil the Hall Moniter ("You're a creep!").

Today's Quote

Slater to Neil:

Slater: You scare my hair, skinny!


New Feature: SBTB Quote Hall of Fame

(These quotes are not just episodic highlights, but sthe best line from the enitre series. These are serious business, so this catagory will only appear when warranted.)

The first entry into the Quote Hall of Fame:

Mr. Dewey: You guys can go. The rest of you can watch me practice my Tai Kwon Do

Most Implausible Moment

Um, Screech has a fully-funtional, thinking robot?

Ok, that's it for today. But remember, "Don't mess with the Dew-man!"

Monday, July 12, 2004

Bayside-Valley Prank War

The Saved By the Bell Quote of the Day returns with a classic:

Quote of the Day


Slater: They tushy-tissued our nerds!


When Mr. Belding sits on Valley Prinicpal "Stinky" Stigwell's Whoopi-cushioned office chair:

Principal Stigwell: What are you wearing? Toot of the Looms?

Most Implausible Moment

Looking past the fact that Valley seems to be the only high school since the late 1920's to have a living animal as its Mascot AND that kidnapping a HUMAN PERSON seems to be perfectly acceptable in the state of California, today's most implausible moment was when a jar full of ants placed in the Bayside Tiger costume somehow makes the Valley imposter do a series of perfectly executed cartwheels and flips.

Future Career Watch

When Jessie tarts it up during the final cheer, we see the seeds of her masterful performance in "Showgirls." I bet she used this scene as her audition tape. I''ll also bet a few teenage boys have used it for something else. Yow!