Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Bravely dusting off the most hoary of sitcom chestnuts, today Saved by the Bell invents a pregnant lady only to dangerously trap her in an enclosed space for the birth of her child. Will Tori be able to overcome her fear of earthquakes to use her narratively-convenient Lamaze skills (which apparently surpass actual medical knowledge as the most important element of safe childbirth -- it's that easy, ladies!) to save Mrs. B and baby Belding in the nick of time? Yes.

Also in this episode, Tori discovers that earthquakes are a thing, Lisa dresses like a neon cowgirl, Harry the Hippo! ("Hello, Mr. Bellllding!"), Mrs. B.'s only SbtB appearance ever is pretty much squandered, German physics teacher Herr Heimlich makes with the "ze's" und "ya's," and Slater does this amazing kung fu kick on Mr. B's flimsy sitcom door and Steve just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Hi-ya, AC. Hi-ya, indeed.

Today's Quote

Lisa: Maybe you're pregnant, Screech.
Screech: Oh Lisa, don't be ridiculous -- I'm not even married!

Don't forget to vote Republican this November, everybody!

Most Implausible Moment

Oh good golly, are you kidding?

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Belding: "Hah, I can outmaneuver Heimlich."

SbtB sets 'em up; Mr. B knocks 'em down.

Pickles and Ice Cream Omnibus

Crazy Things Mrs B Craves:
1. French Fries with Hot Fudge
2. Ginger Ale with a Scoop of Peanut Butter (the Screecher's favorite combo, by the by)

Those things are just crazy things!

Lake Kookamonga Funny Word Alert

Mrs. Belding: "I guess those french fries just got to me."
Screech: "Yeah, you know, I have the same problem whenever I eat garbonzo beans!"

And I get it when I eat kumquats!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

It's a least thrice to the well for SbtB on this one:

Mr. Belding: "Pete Pete, find the nearest telephone that's working and call 911 for help. Let them know that we have people stuck in an elevator and that one of them is having a baby."
Pete: "Right . . . What was that number again?"

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Girl, give those lips a rest!"

Oh my. I - I'm blushing.

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Tori: "When's it going to stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

The one and only time in SbtB history that I found myself and Tori in complete agreement.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Drunk Driving

To inaugurate the new site, I'm going to do a few Quotes of the Day. No promises as to how many I'll do, because I gave up promising for Lent.

OK, so, let's see if I can shake off the rust and relive my glory days one more time. In today's episode, Saved by the Bell does one of my favorite things in the whole wide world: it gets preachy! You see, it's one of Bayside's 4 blazillion annual homecoming games, and Ox has a party at his house (except sometimes he forgets it's his house because Ox is dumb), and look out because these is a wash tub full of generic sitcom brand beer (because Ox also forgets he has a refrigerator? Unexplained.), and oh well we're seniors and a one drink won't hurt, and uh-oh Wild Thing is one the radio in Lisa's Mom's Mercedes, and Wild Thing plus beer just makes the teens go bonkers, and also Zack is driving, and Zack turns around to tell Slater a story or something because apparently that is what you do when you are drunk driving? and then POW telephone pole city, yo. Then, of course, lies and subterfuge and blah blah get to the preaching already, Saved by the Bell!

Also in this episode: Slater dances and prances and struts and prances in his toga togs, Zack's bearded father looks like he's been on a bender himself (slow down there, Derrick!), not nearly enough Mr. Belding (although we do learn that he can instantly identify a car's water pipe on sight, which is certainly something in my estimation), GUILT TRIPS ahoy, and the school auditorium must be having repairs done because why is Mr. Belding leading a pep rally at the Max, Saved by the Bell? Oh, and Tori sucks.

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: "It's not every day that a truck load of bananas spills all over the freeway. I'm just glad your mother is all right. Terrible thing about the monkeys, though."

Well, just imagine that! You are simply the limit, Saved by the Bell.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok, this one's kind of subtle, but Mr. B is at the Max and he's all "I've got some bad news gang but Slater and his shoulder are having a lovers' quarrel and so no QB Slater at the big game," and then cut to Ox and the team who are all WHAAA??? and looking at Slater incredulously and with such great surprise. Here's the thing: SLATER HAS BEEN SITTING RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM WITH A SLING ON HIS SHOULDER THE WHOLE TIME.

It's a real implausibility connoisseur's moment.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Lisa: "You can't!"
Zack: "Her garage is full of boxes..."
Slater: ""
Screech: "...homeless people!"
Zack: "That's boxes of tools for homeless people."

Hahaha, third base!

Teen in Trouble Watch

Screech: "Tori, are you going to have [a beer]?"
Tori: "No, I don't drink, are you?"
Screech: "Are you kidding? I get a buzz from cough syrup."

Get 'em where you can, Screecher. Get 'em where you can.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Please, you can't even walk without bumpin' into somethin'."


Screech: "Hey Lisa, you know my dog likes to do this?"

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Zack: "I can't do this anymore. It's all a lie."

I think I know how you feel, Zack.