Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Wrestling with the Future

In today's episode, Slater is wrestling with his future, but he is also wrestling like in the sport. Note the parallel.

Seems the Major had always dreamed that A.C. would go to West Point one day because that is their thing, but Slater would prefer to go to Iowa on a wrestling scholarship and blah blah blech. Also in today's episode, subterfuge involving Zack dressing like Rambo and describing an invasion of Canada (well imagine that, SbtB!), yet another college admissions officer visits the Max to make and disclose a major admissions decision, Saved by the Bell shines up two chestnuts with the "oops we're handcuffed together and I keep hitting my head with my hand so YOU keep hitting YOUR head with YOUR hand" and the "'I'm glad we had this talk' even though you did all the talking" bits. Bravo to that. Also, Mr. B and a congressman waste the taxpayer's valuable resources to teach a lesson to two kids, Jessie is racist against McDonalds employees, and Slater's dad pretty much sucks all around if you ask me.

Today's Quote

Major Slater: My CO went AWOL with a GI from the PX. I gotta go ASAP. See you A.C.

Haha, those are all letters that stand for things, right?

Most Implausible Moment

You'd think a congressman would have his own office and wouldn't need to borrow a high school principal's office to conduct interviews. You'd think that because that is how things work in reality.

SbtB QotD's Guide to Where the Gang Went to College

Zack - Yale
Jessie - Columbia
Lisa - FIT
Slater - Iowa
Kelly - Community College and a job
Screech - either Emerson, USC, Clemson, Princeton, Duke, Cal. Tech, The Barbazon School for Modeling, or Hamburger University (though probably not Barbazon b/c he thought it was for building little plastic airplanes haha get it??)

Print that out and put it in your wallet too, OK?

Hey Abbott! Watch

Zack: "Slater, c'mon, tell him . . . Iowa?
Major Slater: "Iowa?"
Slater: "Yeah, uh, I owe-a Zack ten bucks."

Hahaha, third base! Tell the one about Miss Issippi's new jersey next!

Remember the 90s?! Watch

Congressman Shepherd: "Major Martin Slater -- your father?"
Zack (as Slater): "Oh, yeah yeah yeah -- I just call him Major Dad."

SLATERism Watch

Today's Slaterism comes from Jessie.

Screech: "Looking good in that skirt, mama."
Jessie: "Why don't you go buy [note -- maybe 'bite'?] a stray dog?"

Wait. What?

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Mr Belding: "Sometimes the truth hurts, but, in the long run, lies hurt more."

Ok, Mr. B, I'll be honest -- Saved by the Bell blows.

You're right. That felt good.

Monday, December 29, 2008

A Home for Christmas

Ho ho ho, and happy happy. Like a BB gun hidden behind the radiator, here's a late Christmas present from me to you guys -- some new SbtB QotD's! I'm just puttering around the old Stevestead for the next couple of weeks, so I should have some time to watch television. Especially at lunch. So here goes.

In today's episode, the gang all get narratively convenient jobs at the mall for the holidays. The downside? No Mr. B. The upside? Nothing! Anyway, seems the mall kindly opens their bathroom to allow homeless men to perform their morning toilette, and this leads to lessons. Remember kids, not all homeless people are schizo's with drug problems, so trust everyone!

Also in this episode, Slater proves incompetent at manual labor leaving the question as to what exactly he'll do with his life, Jessie is racist against children, Squeeze 'n Squirt lives up to her name, Screech has this mistletoe beenie which is just the tops, Slater dresses in this sleeveless elf costume that has to be seen to believed and then should probably be promptly unseen if you want to go back to ever feeling comfortable again ever, and Slater ties himself to a box which isn't possible but whatever I guess. Also, Lisa triumphantly returns to her candy striping post to give presents to children but mostly to reveal OMG the girl Zack is totally crushing on is totally homeless, so but for the grace of God, maybe they're just like us, etc etc. I think I heard this speech on the subway once.

Today's Quote

Kelly: He's homeless? That poor man . . .
Screech: Of course he's poor - that's why he's homeless!

Haha, so guess what? That one actually made me laugh. A Christmas miracle!

Most Implausible Moment

So, the gang somehow makes it magically snow inside the children's ward at the hospital, which first isn't really possible unless your children's ward is also a television studio and second can't be the best idea for a sterilized environment.

Hey kids, nevermind your already dangerlously compromised health - look, it's fake snow! Impossibly falling from the non-ceiling!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

Slater: "Screech, call 911!"
Screech: "Great. What's the number?"

Uh, I hope you saved the gift receipt, Saved by the Bell, because, well, you've given us that joke four times now.

Remember the 90'?! Watch

Screech: "Gift wrap? Isn't that an M.C. Hammer song?"

This could also be filed under Puns, except Puns is better than that.

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Zack: "You see, I really don't know much about the homeless people."

Yes, please tell me more about the homeless people, SbtB - their customs, their language. Do they celebrate Christmas too? I mean, do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Obscure Literary Reference Alert

Laura the Homelessess: "A Christmas Carol? I love that story!"

Really? I'm not familiar with that one. What's it about?

How'd That Get Past Standards? Watch

Slater: "Don't worry about that, Mrs. M. - I'm good at everything I do."

Screech: "It's not what you think! I'm potty trained - she isn't!"

Jessie: "It's ok, as long as you don't kick me or bite me."
It's good to have standards, Jessie.

These Boots Are Made for Walking Watch

Zack: "I made gingerbread women."
Slater: "Gingerbread chicks. I like it."
Jessie: "For you, they should've made gingerbread pigs."

I'd like to think that that isn't so much a "joke," as a poignant, cynical reminder of how, year after year, we find ourselves unavoidably trapped in the same perfunctory roles over the holidays, mindlessly repeating the same worn out phrases, greetings, and wishes, all of which have long lost any meaning to us or the people we say them to. Like players in an endless Christmas pagent, we enter the stage, mumbling our lines to uncaring audience, who dutifully preserve it all on video cassettes no one will ever watch.

Or it's another dumb joke about how Slater is sexist and Jessie thinks that's bad.

Happy holidays everybody!