Monday, August 30, 2004

Jessie's Song

This is easily THE single best episode of Saved by the Bell, and quite probably one of the most enthralling half-hours of sitcomery ever put to video tape. Anybody who disagrees can keep it to themselves, because I make it a point not to argue with crazy people and boy would you have to be crazy to disagree on this!

So, in today's episode, Jessie takes some caffine pills whose effects are seem to be similar to those of PCP mixed with paint thinner and peyote and probably a little more PCP.

Also, in this episode, EVERYTHING! There is Screech in drag in the girls locker room doing the worst Irish accent ever, there is SO MUCH singing and dancing and a professional music video, there is Mr. Freaking Dewey, there is a silly dream sequence that involves the Dew-man and Mr. Belding dressed as surfers, and there is a MESSAGE ABOUT OVER-THE-COUNTER DRUGS WHICH ARE A REAL SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Man, the only things missing are Slater drumming, Kevin the Robot, and Alan the Fat Nerd, but come on people this show is only 30 minutes long!

Today's Quote

Lisa (to Screech): Why don't you go to the boy's locker room and flush yourself to China?

Bayside's plumming goes to China. How does that work?

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Jessie: Time? TIME??! There's never any time! I don't have time to study! I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused

Zack: Everything will be all right, just calm down, OK?

Jessie: You're right! Everything will be OK. I just need one of these!

Zack: Pills?? You mean you really are taking drugs?!

Jessie: I need them! I need them Zack I HAVE TO SING!

Zack: Jessie! You can't sing tonight!

Jessie: Yes I can! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO ... (sob) .... SCARED! (Cries)

Zack: Jessie, hey don't be scared. Listen, we'll get through this. Remember that time when we snuck out to see ET, riding home on our bikes, it was so dark - we were scared. C'mon.

Holy. Hot. Crap.

Most Implausible Moment

Well, there's a rapid drug addiction to over-the-counter caffine pills that manifests itself in totally unbelievable insane behavior and then the addict recovers over the course of like five minutes. So I'm going to say, Zack's dad knows a record producer? C'mon.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "He's a record producer and he's looking for a girl group like New Kids on the Block!"

Slater: "Yeah, New Chicks on the Block."

Jessie: "Thank you, New Pig in the Booth."

Mr. Dewey: "Study hard, I'm off to my try-outs for American Gladiators."

Awesome Girl Group Names Watch

1. Hot Sundae

2. Buns on the Run

3. Spiked Earlobes

4. Zit Hit Machine

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Dewey: "Jessie, a 'C'."

Jessie: "A 'C'? A 'C'??!"

Mr. Dewey: "Si, Seniorita, but this is Geometry not Spanish!"

Screech: "'Zit Hit Machine'? Sounds like a break-out group."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Do I have to wear you Aunt Helen's bra again?"

And remember kids:

Slater: "Those pills are dangerous."

Jessie: "Yeah? Well so's Geometry!"


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