For those of you furiously hacking away at your Saved by the Bell fan fiction, trying to craft the perfect story to create continuity between the Miss Bliss episodes and the Bayside years, I regret to inform you that today's episode presents significant problems. For today, we meet Zack's dad, who is named Peter not Derrick, and who is not married to Mrs. Morris and who spends a significant part of this episode trying to make out with Miss Bliss. I do not envy any of you. That said, you've done some amazing work with the Tori Paradox. If anybody can untangle this knot, it's you.
Also in this episode, not much!
Today's Quote
Zack: Ok, I'll cheer him up ... Hey Screech, have you heard? At exactly two o'clock today, a shower of asteroids is gonna level Cleveland.
I guess Screech has a thing about Cleveland.
Most Implausible Moment
Mr Belding: "...[The parents] started telling principal jokes."
Miss Bliss: "What'd you do?"
Mr Belding: "What could I do? I told a few zingers myself?"
Principal jokes? C'mon.
PUNS! Watch
Screech: "Get this - my dad told me he was Glue Monitor too! That's how he got stuck on my mom!"
You see Screech was a Glue Monitor at one point I guess, so that oh nevermind
Made Up Bands! Watch
Zack: "I didn't know Hot Lead was going to get the mumps!"
Hot Lead? It's no Bo Revere, but it's still pretty sweet.
No Child Left Behind Watch
Miss Bliss: "I mean, how do you tell a parent that their child is best qualified to be a speed bump?"
Oucherz, Miss B.
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch:
Milo: "It's a side of Pokey I'd rather not see."
Friday, March 25, 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Stevie
For the next couple days, we'll be firmly entrenched at JFK Middle School, Indianapolis, USA. While the Miss Bliss years lack the over-the-top hi jinks of Bayside, we can be thankful of one thing - there's no Tori!
In today's episode, rock star Stevie (who combines the girl-next-store wholesomeness of a Debbie Gibson with the mallrat spank of Tiffany in an electrifying combo punch) returns home for a farewell performance before enrolling in Notre Dame which is pretty specific for Saved by the Bell. Zack makes a bet, pretends he's dying, and then learns it's wrong to pretend you're dying by making out with a famous rock star, which is something I think we can all relate too.
Also in this episode, Nicki is a hypocrite, Screech does the most awful Hans and Frans impersonation ever for absolutely no reason at all, Mikey and Milo barely register, and there is a ridiculously long performance of an entire made-up pop song by Stevie that I guess was in case the editors at Tiger Beat had a subscription to The Disney Channel. Or had a friend who could tape it.
Today's Quote
Miss Bliss: What do you think it was that sustained the pioneers through their darkest times?
Screech: Night lights?
Most Implausible Moment
So, when Zack's lie is exposed, Stevie, with no explanation at all, picks Screech to be the hunk she sings her song to. I guess at JFK being a dork is just one step above having a terminal illness on the ol' pathetic-o-meter.
Poor nerds.
Old People Are SO Square! Watch
Mr. Belding: "Lay it upon me! I'm hip!"
Come on Bopper, you can do better than that!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch (Extended Collector's Edition)
Screech: "Guess my new toothpaste finally works!"
-AND-
Nicki: "You kissed her poster you pervert!"
-AND-
Stevie: "Help! There's a kid trying to get me to autograph his fly collection!"
-AND (hitting it out of the park)-
Miss Bliss: "Zack, I'll take as much of that action as I can get."
In today's episode, rock star Stevie (who combines the girl-next-store wholesomeness of a Debbie Gibson with the mallrat spank of Tiffany in an electrifying combo punch) returns home for a farewell performance before enrolling in Notre Dame which is pretty specific for Saved by the Bell. Zack makes a bet, pretends he's dying, and then learns it's wrong to pretend you're dying by making out with a famous rock star, which is something I think we can all relate too.
Also in this episode, Nicki is a hypocrite, Screech does the most awful Hans and Frans impersonation ever for absolutely no reason at all, Mikey and Milo barely register, and there is a ridiculously long performance of an entire made-up pop song by Stevie that I guess was in case the editors at Tiger Beat had a subscription to The Disney Channel. Or had a friend who could tape it.
Today's Quote
Miss Bliss: What do you think it was that sustained the pioneers through their darkest times?
Screech: Night lights?
Most Implausible Moment
So, when Zack's lie is exposed, Stevie, with no explanation at all, picks Screech to be the hunk she sings her song to. I guess at JFK being a dork is just one step above having a terminal illness on the ol' pathetic-o-meter.
Poor nerds.
Old People Are SO Square! Watch
Mr. Belding: "Lay it upon me! I'm hip!"
Come on Bopper, you can do better than that!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch (Extended Collector's Edition)
Screech: "Guess my new toothpaste finally works!"
-AND-
Nicki: "You kissed her poster you pervert!"
-AND-
Stevie: "Help! There's a kid trying to get me to autograph his fly collection!"
-AND (hitting it out of the park)-
Miss Bliss: "Zack, I'll take as much of that action as I can get."
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Class Rings
So, this episode has one thing going against it ( SO MUCH TORI!) and one major thing for it (SO MUCH GEM DIAMOND!), so, all in all, we break even. In today's episode, Mr Belding gives Zack yet another responsibility that he will mess up due to scamming. Hypothetically, this leads to comedy if you define hypothetically as "a thing which is not true". So it's all, Get class rings Zack! You did? Yay! Oh wait you blew it? We're mad at you Zack! Oh wait, you fixed it with a contrived scam that would never actually work? You're forgiven Zack! Et cetera and so on and so forth. Also, a subplot involving Screech and Tori where who cares go away Tori!
Also in this episode, an appearance from Maxwell the rich nerd who always refers to his babes and is amazing, The Amazing Zondo meats his maker, Lisa is SO grumpy (what is wrong Lisa?), and also GEM DIAMOND the sleazy ring salesman (PUNS!) who dresses like your "ironic" friend dressed at prom and is totally like Nathan Lane in every way which is probably not a good thing except today it is!
Today's Quote
Screech: Oh no! Did you get a hickey from a Martian?
Most Implausible Moment
How can a dude as muscular as AC Slater be so freaking bad at playing a tough guy? It's like Woody Allen mixed with Elton John with balloons in his shirt.
And seriously, what was wrong with Lisa today? It's like she suddenly realized she's on some kind of crappy sitcom or something!
Create Your Own Context Watch
Create your own context for the following quote:
Gem Diamond: If I told her once, I told her a hundred times - Ma, don't put the Greco-Roman 3000 in the display case!
PUNS! Watch:
Mr Belding: "Who wants to be in charge? Sort of like the ring leader. HAH-ha!"
Comedy 101 Watch
Today's lesson: The Ol' Switcheroo
Screech: "Ah, an open relationship, eh? I can dig it. I'm sophisticated. When should I have my mom pick you up?"
Hahaha! You see what they did there? They got an A+!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Screech: "Guess who, my leather angel..."
Also in this episode, an appearance from Maxwell the rich nerd who always refers to his babes and is amazing, The Amazing Zondo meats his maker, Lisa is SO grumpy (what is wrong Lisa?), and also GEM DIAMOND the sleazy ring salesman (PUNS!) who dresses like your "ironic" friend dressed at prom and is totally like Nathan Lane in every way which is probably not a good thing except today it is!
Today's Quote
Screech: Oh no! Did you get a hickey from a Martian?
Most Implausible Moment
How can a dude as muscular as AC Slater be so freaking bad at playing a tough guy? It's like Woody Allen mixed with Elton John with balloons in his shirt.
And seriously, what was wrong with Lisa today? It's like she suddenly realized she's on some kind of crappy sitcom or something!
Create Your Own Context Watch
Create your own context for the following quote:
Gem Diamond: If I told her once, I told her a hundred times - Ma, don't put the Greco-Roman 3000 in the display case!
PUNS! Watch:
Mr Belding: "Who wants to be in charge? Sort of like the ring leader. HAH-ha!"
Comedy 101 Watch
Today's lesson: The Ol' Switcheroo
Screech: "Ah, an open relationship, eh? I can dig it. I'm sophisticated. When should I have my mom pick you up?"
Hahaha! You see what they did there? They got an A+!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Screech: "Guess who, my leather angel..."
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
The Will
So, today, it is Mr. Belding's sad duty to report that revolutionary underwear innovator and Bayside graduate Frederick Field has left his mortal coil. But, proving the old adage re: silver linings, Bayside's favorite dead alum has left $10,000 to the school.
What is to be done with such a financial windfall? New books? Aid to underprivileged students? Comedy writers under 50-years-old? A second hallway? Nope, this money shall go to the most noble of enterprises, the most vaunted of institutions: high school athletics!
But this is Bayside after all, and what is Bayside without a hackneyed and implausible BATTLE OF THE SEXES which results in AN ELABORATE SERIES OF CONTESTS and STEVE WANTING TO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE!
Also in this episode: people walking into lockers (not once but twice!), ridiculous and embarrassing chants/raps ("We bad, we know it; We bad, we showed it"), LIMBO SLATER!, and pineapple upside-down cake, which is famous for being the cake that only exists on television! Hooray!
Today's Quote
Slater: Yeah, the football team is starting to feel the budget crunch too. We're starting to use fat nerds as tackling dummies.
Oh Slater. Oh my.
Most Implausible Moment
The entire premise of this episode makes me want to take out my brain, wash it in a weak bleach solution, and allow it to dry in the sun. Maybe then I shall be clean again.
What is Wrong With Slater? Watch
Slater: "Excuse me ladies, but this victory train is pulling into the station. One more win and this ride is O-VAH! Choo-choo!"
Seriously Slater? What is wrong with you?
PUNS! Watch
Two today!
Mr. Belding: "One of Bayside's favorite graduates, Frederick Field, passed away yesterday..."
Ox: "Hey hey! Did he invent the football field?"
While maybe not technically a pun, that surely fits all the technical specifications for AWESOME.
-AND-
Mr Belding: "Everything you need to bake a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake is on your respective tables. So, pick your chef and let's see what's cooking! HAH-ha!"
Oh Mr B, thank you. Thank you so much.
ZINGER! Watch
Zack: "I was thinking about that dance on Friday - what time should I pick you up?"
Tori: "Oh how about a quarter to never!"
Hahahaha! "0/4=0" Zack! Hahahaha!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Screech: "I guess those are soft-boiled balls."
What is to be done with such a financial windfall? New books? Aid to underprivileged students? Comedy writers under 50-years-old? A second hallway? Nope, this money shall go to the most noble of enterprises, the most vaunted of institutions: high school athletics!
But this is Bayside after all, and what is Bayside without a hackneyed and implausible BATTLE OF THE SEXES which results in AN ELABORATE SERIES OF CONTESTS and STEVE WANTING TO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE!
Also in this episode: people walking into lockers (not once but twice!), ridiculous and embarrassing chants/raps ("We bad, we know it; We bad, we showed it"), LIMBO SLATER!, and pineapple upside-down cake, which is famous for being the cake that only exists on television! Hooray!
Today's Quote
Slater: Yeah, the football team is starting to feel the budget crunch too. We're starting to use fat nerds as tackling dummies.
Oh Slater. Oh my.
Most Implausible Moment
The entire premise of this episode makes me want to take out my brain, wash it in a weak bleach solution, and allow it to dry in the sun. Maybe then I shall be clean again.
What is Wrong With Slater? Watch
Slater: "Excuse me ladies, but this victory train is pulling into the station. One more win and this ride is O-VAH! Choo-choo!"
Seriously Slater? What is wrong with you?
PUNS! Watch
Two today!
Mr. Belding: "One of Bayside's favorite graduates, Frederick Field, passed away yesterday..."
Ox: "Hey hey! Did he invent the football field?"
While maybe not technically a pun, that surely fits all the technical specifications for AWESOME.
-AND-
Mr Belding: "Everything you need to bake a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake is on your respective tables. So, pick your chef and let's see what's cooking! HAH-ha!"
Oh Mr B, thank you. Thank you so much.
ZINGER! Watch
Zack: "I was thinking about that dance on Friday - what time should I pick you up?"
Tori: "Oh how about a quarter to never!"
Hahahaha! "0/4=0" Zack! Hahahaha!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Screech: "I guess those are soft-boiled balls."
Monday, March 21, 2005
The Substitute
It looks like I'll be eating lunch at home for the next two weeks, so back to the old SBTB grindstone. And look what we've found today:
Uh-oh, Miss Simpson's back is out due to an old hockey injury (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't play hockey Saved by the Bell!). You know what this means! No, not cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble. Well, actually, yes, cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble, but also substitute teacher extraordinaire, Handsome Dan TONY CRANE! It seems the girls of Bayside have fallen for this Shakespearean stud, and who can blame them? Sometimes he dresses like a pirate and all the time he wears bright white socks with loafers, just like their grandfathers!
Also in this episode, Miss Simpson on a skateboard (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't ride skateboards Saved by the Bell!), a bit where they do that tooth sparkle effect where I actually laughed, Slater and Zack offer the pinky swear as the default teenage form of contractual agreement, and there's this actress named Vicki who does that awesome pan-European accent that you only hear in sitcoms! Is she German? French? Italian? Stop, you're all right!
And you know what Saved by the Bell? You're all right too.
Today's Quote
Slater: It's gonna get worse Preppie. I've seen this in other schools I've been to: some smooth talkin' teacher comes in, and, before you know it, he's taken our women.
Screech: He's gonna take our mothers?!
Man, where did Slater go to school? Roman Polanski Junior High? Jerry Lee Lewis Elementary? The Rob Lowe Middle School?
Ha! I got a million of 'em!
Most Implausible Moment
Well, looking past Miss Simpson (period) and all the nonsense with the actress, I'm going to highlight this little gem:
Jessie: "When he looked at me during the fire drill, the smoke detectors went off."
This is one of those sentences that, at first glance, appears to make sense, but, the more you think about, the more you realize that it is absolutely, ludicrously, beautifully nonsensical. Is there word for that? If not, allow me to suggest one: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Slaterism.
Comedy 101 Watch
Today's lesson: How to make the handicapped work for you.
Mr. Belding: "Miss Simpson, did your back go out again?"
Miss Simpson: "No no. My back went out again!"
Hahaha! A+!
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Zack: Teenage girls are suckers for the great poets, like Jon Bon Jovi, Axel Rose, and Jazzy Jeff..."
Wait a second. When was Jazzy Jeff famous?
Theatre of the Absurd Watch
Woman on Loudspeaker: "Mr Belding, please report to the gymnasium. Tiny Hartwick is stuck in the net again."
Mr Belding: "I told them to stop using him as a volleyball."
Geez. How small is this kid?
OK, remember to check in every afternoon for the next two weeks! There'll be something here I bet.
Uh-oh, Miss Simpson's back is out due to an old hockey injury (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't play hockey Saved by the Bell!). You know what this means! No, not cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble. Well, actually, yes, cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble, but also substitute teacher extraordinaire, Handsome Dan TONY CRANE! It seems the girls of Bayside have fallen for this Shakespearean stud, and who can blame them? Sometimes he dresses like a pirate and all the time he wears bright white socks with loafers, just like their grandfathers!
Also in this episode, Miss Simpson on a skateboard (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't ride skateboards Saved by the Bell!), a bit where they do that tooth sparkle effect where I actually laughed, Slater and Zack offer the pinky swear as the default teenage form of contractual agreement, and there's this actress named Vicki who does that awesome pan-European accent that you only hear in sitcoms! Is she German? French? Italian? Stop, you're all right!
And you know what Saved by the Bell? You're all right too.
Today's Quote
Slater: It's gonna get worse Preppie. I've seen this in other schools I've been to: some smooth talkin' teacher comes in, and, before you know it, he's taken our women.
Screech: He's gonna take our mothers?!
Man, where did Slater go to school? Roman Polanski Junior High? Jerry Lee Lewis Elementary? The Rob Lowe Middle School?
Ha! I got a million of 'em!
Most Implausible Moment
Well, looking past Miss Simpson (period) and all the nonsense with the actress, I'm going to highlight this little gem:
Jessie: "When he looked at me during the fire drill, the smoke detectors went off."
This is one of those sentences that, at first glance, appears to make sense, but, the more you think about, the more you realize that it is absolutely, ludicrously, beautifully nonsensical. Is there word for that? If not, allow me to suggest one: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Slaterism.
Comedy 101 Watch
Today's lesson: How to make the handicapped work for you.
Mr. Belding: "Miss Simpson, did your back go out again?"
Miss Simpson: "No no. My back went out again!"
Hahaha! A+!
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Zack: Teenage girls are suckers for the great poets, like Jon Bon Jovi, Axel Rose, and Jazzy Jeff..."
Wait a second. When was Jazzy Jeff famous?
Theatre of the Absurd Watch
Woman on Loudspeaker: "Mr Belding, please report to the gymnasium. Tiny Hartwick is stuck in the net again."
Mr Belding: "I told them to stop using him as a volleyball."
Geez. How small is this kid?
OK, remember to check in every afternoon for the next two weeks! There'll be something here I bet.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
The Mamas and The Papas
I went home for lunch today, so you know what that means. Yes, hot dogs, but also Saved by the Bell!
So, in today's episode, Bayside plays Noah's Ark and the students are separated two by two. It's "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" minus Four for a total of Six! What?
That's right, it's the "Make Pretend You're Married" unit in Bayside’s Not-Specific Ed. class, so let's pair us some teens. According to Mr. B, couples are matched alphabetically, so Zack goes with Kelly, Slater goes with Jessie, Screech goes with Lisa, and wait a second that doesn't make any sense at all.
Also, in this episode, Lisa develops a narratively convenient allergy to Screech that gives her a chance to twitch and scratch and ACT, Lisa has one of those trademarked early SBTB dreams where Screech's head is superimposed on everything in her room, and surrealist master Luis Buñuel makes a surprise directing cameo in the last 2 minutes, orchestrating a Freudian-influenced scene in which Kelly and Zack prepare to "dine" on their "child" Screech, whose head is offered to them on a platter. In a moment clearly influenced by Buñuel's experiences with lucid dreaming, Screech's head ends up cloaked in a wig and bonnet, becoming a crying baby girl.
Today's Quote
Jessie: Haven't you ever heard of the women's movement?
Slater: Sure, put on somethin' cute and move it into the kitchen.
Most Implausible Moment
The main six characters participate in the marriage project alone, while the rest of the class sits on the side and takes notes. Is it just me or does Bayside seem to be putting all of its educatin' eggs in these six rather dim-looking baskets?
Christo Watch
Slater (as Screech writes Lisa's name in toothpaste on a bathroom mirror): "Screech, what are you doing with that toothpaste?"
Screech: "I'm making a symbolic statement - Lisa's giving me the brush!"
"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch
Screech (to Mr. Belding): "If the girls say no, will you be my Daddy?"
So, in today's episode, Bayside plays Noah's Ark and the students are separated two by two. It's "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" minus Four for a total of Six! What?
That's right, it's the "Make Pretend You're Married" unit in Bayside’s Not-Specific Ed. class, so let's pair us some teens. According to Mr. B, couples are matched alphabetically, so Zack goes with Kelly, Slater goes with Jessie, Screech goes with Lisa, and wait a second that doesn't make any sense at all.
Also, in this episode, Lisa develops a narratively convenient allergy to Screech that gives her a chance to twitch and scratch and ACT, Lisa has one of those trademarked early SBTB dreams where Screech's head is superimposed on everything in her room, and surrealist master Luis Buñuel makes a surprise directing cameo in the last 2 minutes, orchestrating a Freudian-influenced scene in which Kelly and Zack prepare to "dine" on their "child" Screech, whose head is offered to them on a platter. In a moment clearly influenced by Buñuel's experiences with lucid dreaming, Screech's head ends up cloaked in a wig and bonnet, becoming a crying baby girl.
Today's Quote
Jessie: Haven't you ever heard of the women's movement?
Slater: Sure, put on somethin' cute and move it into the kitchen.
Most Implausible Moment
The main six characters participate in the marriage project alone, while the rest of the class sits on the side and takes notes. Is it just me or does Bayside seem to be putting all of its educatin' eggs in these six rather dim-looking baskets?
Christo Watch
Slater (as Screech writes Lisa's name in toothpaste on a bathroom mirror): "Screech, what are you doing with that toothpaste?"
Screech: "I'm making a symbolic statement - Lisa's giving me the brush!"
"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch
Screech (to Mr. Belding): "If the girls say no, will you be my Daddy?"
Friday, September 3, 2004
The Fabulous Belding Brother
Sorry to say, this IS THE VERY LAST Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day for the summer. Thanks to everybody for reading these - I hope you had as much fun as I did! I could put these somewhere on the site so they last forever. Is there interest in that?
Anyway, on with the show:
So today the class is going on a class trip to Yosemite Sam National Park with Mr. Belding! That is, only if they all can pass mean Mr. Dickerson's History midterm! Not only is this test hard (it seems to cover all of history from AT LEAST the US Civil War to World War 1 and no one has passed it in 3 years!) - Mr. Dickerson's spirit can detach from his physical body and enter text books, Magic Johnson posters, and even TV's (where he is prone to rapping)!
Conveniently for the gang and the plot, Mr. Dickerson has an unexplained off-camera nervous breakdown all of sudden and the studly but irresponsible (how is that combination possible?) Rod Belding subs for him! This gives Mr. Belding a chance to ACT which makes me giddy.
Then there is nonsense and white water rafting and CPR and Slater in the most ridiculously skimpy outdoorswear I have ever seen! Seriously, he looks he got fired from the "Great Outdoors Spectacular" at Chippendale's for dressing too flamboyantly. So awesome. Plus, we learn that Zack pronunces of the word stewardess in this super weird way (stew-ard-ESS) that has cracked me up since I was twelve.
Today's Quote
Screech: "I don't need a girl to keep me warm. Mom's packed three pairs of long johns - with a padlock on the trap to keep the bears out!
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
I'm SO glad we're ending with this, my personnal favorite Saved by the Bell Quote of all time:
Screech: Wow! A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding!
Most Implausible Moment
Rod Belding is a dream of implausibility. Nothing about him is plausible for even a second - he's that amazing. He should have had his own implausible spin-off.
Fat Nerd SWITCHEROO Watch:
What'd they do with Alan? Who's this Milton character?
Milton: "I think we should visit the Hershey Chocolate Factory!"
Zack: "Fat chance, Milton!"*
*That one can also be filed under "PUNS! Watch".
Milton: "Let's go to the Hostess Museum. I hear they have a great Ding-Dong exhibit!"
Zack: "You're a Ding-Dong, Milton."
See, we can't even pretend Alan said these cuz Zack keeps saying Milton STOP SAYING MILTON ZACK!
"Fade-In to Mid-Story" Watch
Rod: "...so I said to the head of the airline, 'Find another Vice-President. I want my summers off to follow my dreams.'"
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Mr. Belding: "It looks like they were making out to me!"
And with that ladies and gentlemen, I'm outta here!
Anyway, on with the show:
So today the class is going on a class trip to Yosemite Sam National Park with Mr. Belding! That is, only if they all can pass mean Mr. Dickerson's History midterm! Not only is this test hard (it seems to cover all of history from AT LEAST the US Civil War to World War 1 and no one has passed it in 3 years!) - Mr. Dickerson's spirit can detach from his physical body and enter text books, Magic Johnson posters, and even TV's (where he is prone to rapping)!
Conveniently for the gang and the plot, Mr. Dickerson has an unexplained off-camera nervous breakdown all of sudden and the studly but irresponsible (how is that combination possible?) Rod Belding subs for him! This gives Mr. Belding a chance to ACT which makes me giddy.
Then there is nonsense and white water rafting and CPR and Slater in the most ridiculously skimpy outdoorswear I have ever seen! Seriously, he looks he got fired from the "Great Outdoors Spectacular" at Chippendale's for dressing too flamboyantly. So awesome. Plus, we learn that Zack pronunces of the word stewardess in this super weird way (stew-ard-ESS) that has cracked me up since I was twelve.
Today's Quote
Screech: "I don't need a girl to keep me warm. Mom's packed three pairs of long johns - with a padlock on the trap to keep the bears out!
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
I'm SO glad we're ending with this, my personnal favorite Saved by the Bell Quote of all time:
Screech: Wow! A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding!
Most Implausible Moment
Rod Belding is a dream of implausibility. Nothing about him is plausible for even a second - he's that amazing. He should have had his own implausible spin-off.
Fat Nerd SWITCHEROO Watch:
What'd they do with Alan? Who's this Milton character?
Milton: "I think we should visit the Hershey Chocolate Factory!"
Zack: "Fat chance, Milton!"*
*That one can also be filed under "PUNS! Watch".
Milton: "Let's go to the Hostess Museum. I hear they have a great Ding-Dong exhibit!"
Zack: "You're a Ding-Dong, Milton."
See, we can't even pretend Alan said these cuz Zack keeps saying Milton STOP SAYING MILTON ZACK!
"Fade-In to Mid-Story" Watch
Rod: "...so I said to the head of the airline, 'Find another Vice-President. I want my summers off to follow my dreams.'"
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Mr. Belding: "It looks like they were making out to me!"
And with that ladies and gentlemen, I'm outta here!
Thursday, September 2, 2004
Fake I.D.s
Clever title there, Saved by the Bell. So today, the gang makes fake IDs. This is really easy for them because they take a photography class, which trains them in exactly 5% of the skills they would need to make a fake ID. Luckily, the gang at Bayside don't want fake IDs for the reason the rest of the teenage world wants them (ie to get drunk without having to ask that creepy guy's older brother). They want them TO DANCE!
Additionally, some how I must not have been paying attention, because between Tuesday and today, Kelly has dumped Zack for Mr. Jeffrey I. Datehighschoolgirls and Zack has already forgiven them and moved on! But uh-oh, because Kelly is just one high school girl and Jeff likes to buy in bulk. Who can blame these girls? I mean, a 20-something diner waiter who dates 16 year-olds. What a catch!
Also in this episode, Mr. B. teaches photography because otherwise he would not be in this episode and he's under contract, Screech dances with a schitzo man-woman named Reggie, and Slater wears a bolo tie! A bolo tie!
Today's Quote
Mr. Belding (showing slides): This is Mrs. B. at Seaworld.
Kelly: Why is she eating raw fish?
Mr. Belding: That. Is. Not. Mrs. B. That's Shamu! The whale!
Most Implausible Moment
I love how they show Screech making fake ID's by having him sit in front of a developing tray, using the tongs to push something around.
"...and then I just place the paper into the magic elixir, move it around, and PRESTO! Fake ID's for everybody!"
Awesome!
Also, I love how Zack pretends to be in college by starting every conversation, "Hey isn't college great?!" Man, that's how I used to score in college too!
Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch
Screech: "You know Slater, through this lens, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rainforest!"
Slater: "If you don't get that camera out of my face, I'm going to have the natives come out and eat you!"
Wait a second. Slater is going to have his boogers eat Screech?
What?
PUNS! Watch
Mr Belding: "Now that you've all taken a lot of pictures, let's see what's developed! HA-ha!"
The James Lipton Subtle Moment of ACTING! Watch
Mrs Morris comes into Zack's room, whistles "Puff the Magic Dragon, unroles a "Peter, Paul and Mary" poster, and says, "He'll like this."
Brilliant!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Kelly: "Hey, I'll be OK after a few minutes of screamin' in the ladies room."
Additionally, some how I must not have been paying attention, because between Tuesday and today, Kelly has dumped Zack for Mr. Jeffrey I. Datehighschoolgirls and Zack has already forgiven them and moved on! But uh-oh, because Kelly is just one high school girl and Jeff likes to buy in bulk. Who can blame these girls? I mean, a 20-something diner waiter who dates 16 year-olds. What a catch!
Also in this episode, Mr. B. teaches photography because otherwise he would not be in this episode and he's under contract, Screech dances with a schitzo man-woman named Reggie, and Slater wears a bolo tie! A bolo tie!
Today's Quote
Mr. Belding (showing slides): This is Mrs. B. at Seaworld.
Kelly: Why is she eating raw fish?
Mr. Belding: That. Is. Not. Mrs. B. That's Shamu! The whale!
Most Implausible Moment
I love how they show Screech making fake ID's by having him sit in front of a developing tray, using the tongs to push something around.
"...and then I just place the paper into the magic elixir, move it around, and PRESTO! Fake ID's for everybody!"
Awesome!
Also, I love how Zack pretends to be in college by starting every conversation, "Hey isn't college great?!" Man, that's how I used to score in college too!
Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch
Screech: "You know Slater, through this lens, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rainforest!"
Slater: "If you don't get that camera out of my face, I'm going to have the natives come out and eat you!"
Wait a second. Slater is going to have his boogers eat Screech?
What?
PUNS! Watch
Mr Belding: "Now that you've all taken a lot of pictures, let's see what's developed! HA-ha!"
The James Lipton Subtle Moment of ACTING! Watch
Mrs Morris comes into Zack's room, whistles "Puff the Magic Dragon, unroles a "Peter, Paul and Mary" poster, and says, "He'll like this."
Brilliant!
How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Kelly: "Hey, I'll be OK after a few minutes of screamin' in the ladies room."
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
The Wicked Stepbrother
Man, TBS! Are you all kinds of stupid? Why air Part One of this two-part epsiode today and not run Part Two tomorrow? I think you're drunk a lot and it is affecting your work.
So, today, I noticed something. Saved by the Bell has what could be the rosiest and most optimistic view of human nature this side of Michael Landon. In Bayside, everybody (that is, everybody who isn't from Valley) is deep down a good person who is basically decent and honest and an all-around good citizen. Sure, they make mistakes, and sometimes they lie and scam, but the wrong-doers always see the err of their ways and make amends.
This is why "bad" characters on Saved by the Bell are always SO awesome! The writers are simply incapable of imagining someone who is just a dick, plain and simple. Enter, Eric, the blackmailing prick who is really just a nice guy who misses New York! And the lamb shall lie with the lion...
So, in today's episode, Jessie's Mom gets married (which we were expecting because of all the time the show sent setting this up to make it convincing), and her step-brother is mean and from New York. We know he's from New York because he is rugged and tough and wears a lot of leather and denim. This is also how we know he is a cowboy and in a motorcycle gang I think. Additionally, there's scamming and blackmail and Judaism and cars and video tapes and cassette tapes and the worst Humphrey Bogart impression ever.
Today's Quote
Zack: I think you should have your head checked for bumps.
Screech: Why? All five are here.
Most Implausible Moment
So today Zack employs his Time Out function. This is when Zack all of a sudden gets a super power to freeze time and explain his complicated plans to us, the simpletons of TV land.
Now, an entire television show (Out of This World) was built on the premise that the teenage star had this very power. They went at great pains to explain its origins (her Mom boffed an alien) and to show the hillarious consequences that could stem from its use.
Whereas, on Saved by the Bell, Zack's ability to freeze time is taken as a given and is ONLY used for exposition. What a responsible young man!
These Boots Are Made For Walkin' Watch
On toilet seats:
Zack: "Actually, she's right. Girls can fall in if they're not careful."
Screech: "Then toilets should have seatbelts!"
Lisa: "And your mouth should have an airbag."
Airbag? Mouth? What does that mean?
Nerds Rights Watch
Zack: "What are you doing? Your locker's downstairs with the nerds."
Student lockers are distributed by coolness? I guess that's a way to do it...
Who'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Screech: "There's a gopher trying to burrow in my underwear!"
So, today, I noticed something. Saved by the Bell has what could be the rosiest and most optimistic view of human nature this side of Michael Landon. In Bayside, everybody (that is, everybody who isn't from Valley) is deep down a good person who is basically decent and honest and an all-around good citizen. Sure, they make mistakes, and sometimes they lie and scam, but the wrong-doers always see the err of their ways and make amends.
This is why "bad" characters on Saved by the Bell are always SO awesome! The writers are simply incapable of imagining someone who is just a dick, plain and simple. Enter, Eric, the blackmailing prick who is really just a nice guy who misses New York! And the lamb shall lie with the lion...
So, in today's episode, Jessie's Mom gets married (which we were expecting because of all the time the show sent setting this up to make it convincing), and her step-brother is mean and from New York. We know he's from New York because he is rugged and tough and wears a lot of leather and denim. This is also how we know he is a cowboy and in a motorcycle gang I think. Additionally, there's scamming and blackmail and Judaism and cars and video tapes and cassette tapes and the worst Humphrey Bogart impression ever.
Today's Quote
Zack: I think you should have your head checked for bumps.
Screech: Why? All five are here.
Most Implausible Moment
So today Zack employs his Time Out function. This is when Zack all of a sudden gets a super power to freeze time and explain his complicated plans to us, the simpletons of TV land.
Now, an entire television show (Out of This World) was built on the premise that the teenage star had this very power. They went at great pains to explain its origins (her Mom boffed an alien) and to show the hillarious consequences that could stem from its use.
Whereas, on Saved by the Bell, Zack's ability to freeze time is taken as a given and is ONLY used for exposition. What a responsible young man!
These Boots Are Made For Walkin' Watch
On toilet seats:
Zack: "Actually, she's right. Girls can fall in if they're not careful."
Screech: "Then toilets should have seatbelts!"
Lisa: "And your mouth should have an airbag."
Airbag? Mouth? What does that mean?
Nerds Rights Watch
Zack: "What are you doing? Your locker's downstairs with the nerds."
Student lockers are distributed by coolness? I guess that's a way to do it...
Who'd This Get Past Standards? Watch
Screech: "There's a gopher trying to burrow in my underwear!"
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Snow White and the Seven Dorks
So, today the gang does a rapping version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for the Bayside School Musical. If that sounds lame, that's because it was. Additionally, Zack and Jessie think they're in love cuz they made out, so then they make out again just to make sure they are not. I volunteer for a similar test with Kirsten Dunst. You know, just to be sure.
Probably the only highlights today were the constant stream of wince-inducing rapping and a veritable orgy of dancing nerds. Plus, an appearence by star of TV's Webster and frequent 80's game show guest Henry Polic II! That's got to count for something.
Today's Quote
Jessie: It's personnal, Mr. Belding.
Mr Belding: I'm a person!
Most Implausible Moment
From what we've seen, this year's Bayside school musical clocks in at under 2 minutes. I hope they had plenty of orange drink in the lobby!
Gratuitous Teen Slang Watch
Rapped:
Kelly: "Mirror mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all?"
Lisa: "Brace yourself queenie this news is bad, Snow White is now a lot more rad."
Nerd Name Watch
Seven Dorks: Dweeby, Nerdy, Geeky, Slimey, Shlumpy, Dumpy, and Norman.
Man, thank god my name's not Norman. Ouch.
Create Your Own Context Watch
Create your own context for the following quote:
Zack: "Don't raise your tail, dear. It's just the badgers."
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Zack: "Why don't we make the dwarves tall blonde chicks and put them in bikinis?"
Slater: "Hey I'm all for that! Hi-ho hi-ho!"
Probably the only highlights today were the constant stream of wince-inducing rapping and a veritable orgy of dancing nerds. Plus, an appearence by star of TV's Webster and frequent 80's game show guest Henry Polic II! That's got to count for something.
Today's Quote
Jessie: It's personnal, Mr. Belding.
Mr Belding: I'm a person!
Most Implausible Moment
From what we've seen, this year's Bayside school musical clocks in at under 2 minutes. I hope they had plenty of orange drink in the lobby!
Gratuitous Teen Slang Watch
Rapped:
Kelly: "Mirror mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all?"
Lisa: "Brace yourself queenie this news is bad, Snow White is now a lot more rad."
Nerd Name Watch
Seven Dorks: Dweeby, Nerdy, Geeky, Slimey, Shlumpy, Dumpy, and Norman.
Man, thank god my name's not Norman. Ouch.
Create Your Own Context Watch
Create your own context for the following quote:
Zack: "Don't raise your tail, dear. It's just the badgers."
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Zack: "Why don't we make the dwarves tall blonde chicks and put them in bikinis?"
Slater: "Hey I'm all for that! Hi-ho hi-ho!"
Monday, August 30, 2004
Jessie's Song
This is easily THE single best episode of Saved by the Bell, and quite probably one of the most enthralling half-hours of sitcomery ever put to video tape. Anybody who disagrees can keep it to themselves, because I make it a point not to argue with crazy people and boy would you have to be crazy to disagree on this!
So, in today's episode, Jessie takes some caffine pills whose effects are seem to be similar to those of PCP mixed with paint thinner and peyote and probably a little more PCP.
Also, in this episode, EVERYTHING! There is Screech in drag in the girls locker room doing the worst Irish accent ever, there is SO MUCH singing and dancing and a professional music video, there is Mr. Freaking Dewey, there is a silly dream sequence that involves the Dew-man and Mr. Belding dressed as surfers, and there is a MESSAGE ABOUT OVER-THE-COUNTER DRUGS WHICH ARE A REAL SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Man, the only things missing are Slater drumming, Kevin the Robot, and Alan the Fat Nerd, but come on people this show is only 30 minutes long!
Today's Quote
Lisa (to Screech): Why don't you go to the boy's locker room and flush yourself to China?
Bayside's plumming goes to China. How does that work?
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
Jessie: Time? TIME??! There's never any time! I don't have time to study! I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused
Zack: Everything will be all right, just calm down, OK?
Jessie: You're right! Everything will be OK. I just need one of these!
Zack: Pills?? You mean you really are taking drugs?!
Jessie: I need them! I need them Zack I HAVE TO SING!
Zack: Jessie! You can't sing tonight!
Jessie: Yes I can! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO ... (sob) .... SCARED! (Cries)
Zack: Jessie, hey don't be scared. Listen, we'll get through this. Remember that time when we snuck out to see ET, riding home on our bikes, it was so dark - we were scared. C'mon.
Holy. Hot. Crap.
Most Implausible Moment
Well, there's a rapid drug addiction to over-the-counter caffine pills that manifests itself in totally unbelievable insane behavior and then the addict recovers over the course of like five minutes. So I'm going to say, Zack's dad knows a record producer? C'mon.
Remember the 90's?! Watch
Zack: "He's a record producer and he's looking for a girl group like New Kids on the Block!"
Slater: "Yeah, New Chicks on the Block."
Jessie: "Thank you, New Pig in the Booth."
Mr. Dewey: "Study hard, I'm off to my try-outs for American Gladiators."
Awesome Girl Group Names Watch
1. Hot Sundae
2. Buns on the Run
3. Spiked Earlobes
4. Zit Hit Machine
PUNS! Watch
Mr. Dewey: "Jessie, a 'C'."
Jessie: "A 'C'? A 'C'??!"
Mr. Dewey: "Si, Seniorita, but this is Geometry not Spanish!"
Screech: "'Zit Hit Machine'? Sounds like a break-out group."
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "Do I have to wear you Aunt Helen's bra again?"
And remember kids:
Slater: "Those pills are dangerous."
Jessie: "Yeah? Well so's Geometry!"
Jessie:YEAHWE'LLBEGREATWE'LLBEAWESOMEWE'LLKNOCKEMDEAD!RIGHT?RIGHT?YEAH!
So, in today's episode, Jessie takes some caffine pills whose effects are seem to be similar to those of PCP mixed with paint thinner and peyote and probably a little more PCP.
Also, in this episode, EVERYTHING! There is Screech in drag in the girls locker room doing the worst Irish accent ever, there is SO MUCH singing and dancing and a professional music video, there is Mr. Freaking Dewey, there is a silly dream sequence that involves the Dew-man and Mr. Belding dressed as surfers, and there is a MESSAGE ABOUT OVER-THE-COUNTER DRUGS WHICH ARE A REAL SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Man, the only things missing are Slater drumming, Kevin the Robot, and Alan the Fat Nerd, but come on people this show is only 30 minutes long!
Today's Quote
Lisa (to Screech): Why don't you go to the boy's locker room and flush yourself to China?
Bayside's plumming goes to China. How does that work?
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
Jessie: Time? TIME??! There's never any time! I don't have time to study! I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused
Zack: Everything will be all right, just calm down, OK?
Jessie: You're right! Everything will be OK. I just need one of these!
Zack: Pills?? You mean you really are taking drugs?!
Jessie: I need them! I need them Zack I HAVE TO SING!
Zack: Jessie! You can't sing tonight!
Jessie: Yes I can! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO ... (sob) .... SCARED! (Cries)
Zack: Jessie, hey don't be scared. Listen, we'll get through this. Remember that time when we snuck out to see ET, riding home on our bikes, it was so dark - we were scared. C'mon.
Holy. Hot. Crap.
Most Implausible Moment
Well, there's a rapid drug addiction to over-the-counter caffine pills that manifests itself in totally unbelievable insane behavior and then the addict recovers over the course of like five minutes. So I'm going to say, Zack's dad knows a record producer? C'mon.
Remember the 90's?! Watch
Zack: "He's a record producer and he's looking for a girl group like New Kids on the Block!"
Slater: "Yeah, New Chicks on the Block."
Jessie: "Thank you, New Pig in the Booth."
Mr. Dewey: "Study hard, I'm off to my try-outs for American Gladiators."
Awesome Girl Group Names Watch
1. Hot Sundae
2. Buns on the Run
3. Spiked Earlobes
4. Zit Hit Machine
PUNS! Watch
Mr. Dewey: "Jessie, a 'C'."
Jessie: "A 'C'? A 'C'??!"
Mr. Dewey: "Si, Seniorita, but this is Geometry not Spanish!"
Screech: "'Zit Hit Machine'? Sounds like a break-out group."
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "Do I have to wear you Aunt Helen's bra again?"
And remember kids:
Slater: "Those pills are dangerous."
Jessie: "Yeah? Well so's Geometry!"
Jessie:YEAHWE'LLBEGREATWE'LLBEAWESOMEWE'LLKNOCKEMDEAD!RIGHT?RIGHT?YEAH!
Friday, August 27, 2004
Slater's Friend
Back to reality today, with this touching episode dealing with death and bereavement. It seems Slater had this chameloen, Artie, and they were friends but chameleons are mortal so he died. Also, subterfuge - because Zack does not lie only to get out of trouble or get chicks; he also lies to avoid conflict and pain. I'm beginning to think that Zack may have sort of pathology.
Also in this episode, Coach Rizzo is introduced and then squandered. Yo Bayside, if youse is gonna have a dumb talkin' New Yawk mook, you gotta make every frickin' woid outta his mouth a malapropism! Oddawise, why boddah?! The whole thing smacks of missed opportunity.
Oh and also there's this really crazy scene where Slater is dressed as a Lizard, Mr. B is dressed as a Texas highway patrolman, and Kelly is on a giant frying pan with eggs on it doing that "one-foot-down-oucherz-other-foot-down" this-is-really-hot thing. Bravo.
Today's Quote
Artie's Song: Oh Artie boy, the bugs, the bugs are buzzing.
There's gnats and ants, mosquitoes on the fly.
And there'll be time for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
In that big chameleon banquet in the sky.
It is ridiculous how big a deal they make out of the fact the Artie eats bugs. It's non-stop.
Most Implausible Moment
All in all, a fairly plausible episode. So, if I have to come up with something: Why couldn't Artie go to San Diego with Slater? I mean, he's fairly mobile in that shoebox, supposedly he's already travelled around the world with Slater, and it's not like he's a big old dog or something. So I don't buy that, I guess.
Coach Rizzo's Malapropism Watch
Only one (what a waste)!
Coach Rizzo: "Our next public talker..."
PUNS! Watch
They really come through here, though:
Zack: "He's probably bored stiff."
Screech: "Now he's stiff as a board!"
Hahaha! See what they did there?
Slater: "Artie's a real sound sleeper. When he's out, he's dead to the world."
Zack: "He looks exactly like Artie, huh?"
Screech: "Yeah, he's a dead ringer."
Also in this episode, Coach Rizzo is introduced and then squandered. Yo Bayside, if youse is gonna have a dumb talkin' New Yawk mook, you gotta make every frickin' woid outta his mouth a malapropism! Oddawise, why boddah?! The whole thing smacks of missed opportunity.
Oh and also there's this really crazy scene where Slater is dressed as a Lizard, Mr. B is dressed as a Texas highway patrolman, and Kelly is on a giant frying pan with eggs on it doing that "one-foot-down-oucherz-other-foot-down" this-is-really-hot thing. Bravo.
Today's Quote
Artie's Song: Oh Artie boy, the bugs, the bugs are buzzing.
There's gnats and ants, mosquitoes on the fly.
And there'll be time for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
In that big chameleon banquet in the sky.
It is ridiculous how big a deal they make out of the fact the Artie eats bugs. It's non-stop.
Most Implausible Moment
All in all, a fairly plausible episode. So, if I have to come up with something: Why couldn't Artie go to San Diego with Slater? I mean, he's fairly mobile in that shoebox, supposedly he's already travelled around the world with Slater, and it's not like he's a big old dog or something. So I don't buy that, I guess.
Coach Rizzo's Malapropism Watch
Only one (what a waste)!
Coach Rizzo: "Our next public talker..."
PUNS! Watch
They really come through here, though:
Zack: "He's probably bored stiff."
Screech: "Now he's stiff as a board!"
Hahaha! See what they did there?
Slater: "Artie's a real sound sleeper. When he's out, he's dead to the world."
Zack: "He looks exactly like Artie, huh?"
Screech: "Yeah, he's a dead ringer."
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind
Is it just me or are these first season episodes unecessarily outlandish? I mean, so far, we've had brainwashing, a remarkably effective acne cream that (except for an extremly short-lived side effect) would revolutionize dermatology forever, a fully functional example of artificial intelligence, and now, today, we get a radio station coming in through Screech's fillings and UFO's? Let's rein it in here, folks - I'm starting to appreciate the later episodes, where the most outlandish thing that happens at Bayside is a visit from Brandon Tartikoff.
So, today, OOPS broke the video camera that took Bayside two years to get (they should stop wasting all ther money on professionally printed plastic heart and such). Wait, $1500 in the National Babbler for an alien picture? Weren't we shooting an alien movie? Isn't Screech a weirdo? The reporter is really a Lieutenant in the United States Air Force looking into UFO's! Time to break out all the Screech masks that are really Larry from the Three Stooges masks (no wonder this school can't afford a new video camera if they're issuing every student a Screech/Larry mask)!
Also today, Jessie dresses like a Mexican lady from the Three Amigos and calls herself Maria Tortilla and says things like, "Buenos Nachos." Plus Screech does one of those wonderful "takes-off-mask-to-show real-human-face-then-takes-off real-human-face-as-if-it-were-a-mask-to-reveal-what-really-is-a-mask" takes that are a hallmark of great comedy. And, on second thought, those Larry masks look more like Steven Wright than Screech or Larry.
Todays Quote
Screech: Zack, do they wear underwear in heaven?
Most Implausible Moment
Zack's lie to Mr. Belding:
Zack: "You heard of Batman? Well Jessie played Batmamasita."
That doesn't even sort of make sense and is the dumbest lie ever I think.
Also, that the whole radio and Air Force thing. That was pretty implausible.
PUNS! Watch
Mr. Belding's Secretary (where is her office, exactly): "Mr. Belding, please report to the gym. The water polo team has a horse in the pool again."
Mr. Belding: "Kids love horseplay! HA-ha!"
"Remeber the 90's?!" Watch
Jessie (as teacher in the movie): "After the battle, one of the greatest speeches in American History was made by President Pee Wee Herman."
Phunny Phony Ad Watch
The best radio ad ever (from Screech's mouth): "For country eatin' there's no beatin' 'Billy Joe Bob's House O' Possum!'"
I can think of about three different reasons why that is so awesome (hint: one of them is because of PUNS).
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "It's kind of neat except when a big guy held me up to his ear and tried to shove his cassette in my mouth."
So, today, OOPS broke the video camera that took Bayside two years to get (they should stop wasting all ther money on professionally printed plastic heart and such). Wait, $1500 in the National Babbler for an alien picture? Weren't we shooting an alien movie? Isn't Screech a weirdo? The reporter is really a Lieutenant in the United States Air Force looking into UFO's! Time to break out all the Screech masks that are really Larry from the Three Stooges masks (no wonder this school can't afford a new video camera if they're issuing every student a Screech/Larry mask)!
Also today, Jessie dresses like a Mexican lady from the Three Amigos and calls herself Maria Tortilla and says things like, "Buenos Nachos." Plus Screech does one of those wonderful "takes-off-mask-to-show real-human-face-then-takes-off real-human-face-as-if-it-were-a-mask-to-reveal-what-really-is-a-mask" takes that are a hallmark of great comedy. And, on second thought, those Larry masks look more like Steven Wright than Screech or Larry.
Todays Quote
Screech: Zack, do they wear underwear in heaven?
Most Implausible Moment
Zack's lie to Mr. Belding:
Zack: "You heard of Batman? Well Jessie played Batmamasita."
That doesn't even sort of make sense and is the dumbest lie ever I think.
Also, that the whole radio and Air Force thing. That was pretty implausible.
PUNS! Watch
Mr. Belding's Secretary (where is her office, exactly): "Mr. Belding, please report to the gym. The water polo team has a horse in the pool again."
Mr. Belding: "Kids love horseplay! HA-ha!"
"Remeber the 90's?!" Watch
Jessie (as teacher in the movie): "After the battle, one of the greatest speeches in American History was made by President Pee Wee Herman."
Phunny Phony Ad Watch
The best radio ad ever (from Screech's mouth): "For country eatin' there's no beatin' 'Billy Joe Bob's House O' Possum!'"
I can think of about three different reasons why that is so awesome (hint: one of them is because of PUNS).
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "It's kind of neat except when a big guy held me up to his ear and tried to shove his cassette in my mouth."
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
The Zack Tapes
Man, this one is a tour de force! It's "Give Someone Your Plastic Heart With Your Name Professionally Prinited On It and It Means You Are Going to The Dance Together" Week at Bayside. Coincidentally, it is also the week where Miss. Wentworth teaches her Subliminal Advertising lesson in whatever subject it is that you learn Subliminal Advertising (Health?). Plus, the new Bo Revere (that may be my favorite made up rock star name ever) tape is out. It only has one song, and seems to be recorded on a box of Memorex or Zenith blank tapes, but man that song is rockin'. As Mr. B says, it's radical!
Also in this episode, nerds Edgar, Wendell, and Alan (his last name is Fairbanks! We learn that today!) make it with some babes. I tell you what, these nerds at Bayside, marginalized as they are, they do pretty good with the ladies. Plus, Max has a spinning bow tie which is so sweet, Screech dresses in drag and calls himself Barbara Bush, and Lisa wears the most incredible cow print denim vest and jeans combo is the history of cow print denim vest and jeans combos.
Today's Quote
Mr Belding: Zack, I'm not a straw - don't suck up.
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
Zack's Subliminal Message: Zack Morris is the kind of boy every girl dreams of. Great looking, smart, and funny - yes, that's Zack Morris. Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise. Zack Morris is a ten. Zack Morris is perfect in every way.
Most Implausible Moment
Miss Wentworth totally lies about an election in Italy where they put subliminal messages in the pizza commercials. That never happened! What kind of teacher is this lady?
"Lisa And Her Amazing Pet Names" Watch
Lisa: "Don't toy with me, my Manly Mustang!"
Lisa: "You're just jealous! Tigerman is a great catch!"
Lisa: "I thought Screech was my Prince of Passion, but it's you, the Z-Man."
And the coup de grâce
Lisa: "Not my Screechy, he's the Buffest Bronco on Earth!"
Also in this episode, nerds Edgar, Wendell, and Alan (his last name is Fairbanks! We learn that today!) make it with some babes. I tell you what, these nerds at Bayside, marginalized as they are, they do pretty good with the ladies. Plus, Max has a spinning bow tie which is so sweet, Screech dresses in drag and calls himself Barbara Bush, and Lisa wears the most incredible cow print denim vest and jeans combo is the history of cow print denim vest and jeans combos.
Today's Quote
Mr Belding: Zack, I'm not a straw - don't suck up.
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
Zack's Subliminal Message: Zack Morris is the kind of boy every girl dreams of. Great looking, smart, and funny - yes, that's Zack Morris. Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise. Zack Morris is a ten. Zack Morris is perfect in every way.
Most Implausible Moment
Miss Wentworth totally lies about an election in Italy where they put subliminal messages in the pizza commercials. That never happened! What kind of teacher is this lady?
"Lisa And Her Amazing Pet Names" Watch
Lisa: "Don't toy with me, my Manly Mustang!"
Lisa: "You're just jealous! Tigerman is a great catch!"
Lisa: "I thought Screech was my Prince of Passion, but it's you, the Z-Man."
And the coup de grâce
Lisa: "Not my Screechy, he's the Buffest Bronco on Earth!"
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Beauty and the Screech
Kelly falls for Screech? He must be good at science or something. All in all, this episode is pretty stupid. Thank God for Kevin the Robot! I swear, he's like chocolate syrup - he can make anything good.
Also in this episode, one redeeming scene where Lisa, Jessie, Zack and Slater all dream at the same time (how does that work?) about a world where nerds are cool. Here's the funny part, Zack and Slater are nerds. So, basically, in world where nerds are cool, Zack and Slater would STILL get the hot girls, so IT WOULD BE EXACTLY THE SAME WORLD. The only difference is Kelly has pizza on her head, because for some reason in this world lame throw-away jokes actually become rules.
Today's Quote
Kevin: [The pictures] are for Robot Illustrated. I'm hunk of the month!
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope!
Screech: Who are you calling a cantaloupe you melonhead?!
Hahahaha! That joke still breaks me up. Honestly.
Most Implausible Moment
Screech, go to the friggin' beach or the George Michael concert! Kelly Kapowski wants to make it with you! [Steve kicks TV, slowly crumbles onto floor, sobs silently.]
ALF/Gorbachev Watch
Screech: "Tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF."
President Bush to press (subtitles): Kelly and Screech? Way to go Screech!"
Gorbachev to Nancy Reagan (subtitles): "Kellinski drava Screechnick?!!"
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "Every ice cream cone has its last lick, Kelly. This is ours."
Hot.
Also in this episode, one redeeming scene where Lisa, Jessie, Zack and Slater all dream at the same time (how does that work?) about a world where nerds are cool. Here's the funny part, Zack and Slater are nerds. So, basically, in world where nerds are cool, Zack and Slater would STILL get the hot girls, so IT WOULD BE EXACTLY THE SAME WORLD. The only difference is Kelly has pizza on her head, because for some reason in this world lame throw-away jokes actually become rules.
Today's Quote
Kevin: [The pictures] are for Robot Illustrated. I'm hunk of the month!
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope!
Screech: Who are you calling a cantaloupe you melonhead?!
Hahahaha! That joke still breaks me up. Honestly.
Most Implausible Moment
Screech, go to the friggin' beach or the George Michael concert! Kelly Kapowski wants to make it with you! [Steve kicks TV, slowly crumbles onto floor, sobs silently.]
ALF/Gorbachev Watch
Screech: "Tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF."
President Bush to press (subtitles): Kelly and Screech? Way to go Screech!"
Gorbachev to Nancy Reagan (subtitles): "Kellinski drava Screechnick?!!"
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "Every ice cream cone has its last lick, Kelly. This is ours."
Hot.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Pinned to the Mat
So, TBS tried to confound us by rerunning the same run of episodes twice in one month! What is wrong with them? Luckily for us, I've been saving episodes in the Supercable for a rainy day (God bless you, Supercable). I have enough for this week, though we may be in trouble next week. Cross your fingers.
So, without further adieu:
I have two words for you: Marvin. Nedick. NEDICK!
Today, Slater is afraid of becoming an over-the-hill pro-wrestler so he takes up cooking because that is what you do I guess. But, look-out Slater, 'cuz Zack bet his non-existant dirt bike against Valley warlord Marvin Nedick's so I bet there will be a scam. There is.
And did I mention that Nedick is so awesome. He looks and acts exactly like every kind-of-fat tough dude moron in high schools across this great land! In fact, I went to high school with about 5 Nedicks. I bet they all had sweet dirt bikes too!
NEDICK!
Also in this episode, the silliest cooking class ever with a crazy teacher who sings the ingredients and shakes her breasts (no joke) and that is so weird. Oh and OH, there is this amazing dream sequence where the students come back to the Max for a reunion (and for some reason Mr. Belding gives them something that looks like a diploma. A diploma for what? Reunioning?) and Screech is a supercool astronaut, Mr. Belding has Lisa's name on his butt, AND Slater dresses like Hulk Hogan and it is so good I want to cry!
Today's Quote
Marvin Nedick: Come Friday, I'm going to be riding something in the dirt - either your bike or your face!
Most Implausible Moment
When Zack pits Screech against Nedick to guilt Slater into wrestling, one is left to wonder: Doesn't this wrestling team have a coach?
Hope and Crosby Watch
Mr. Belding: "Now what is it like in space?"
Screech: "Far out. Have a Mars Bar."
Mr. Belding: "Is there really life on Mars?"
Screech: "No. All the good clubs close at 9."
Hahahahaha!
Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch
Slater: "Why have a litter of preppies when you can have a bunch of stud-muffins like me?"
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Mr. Belding: "...and that's how I became the Flo Jo of principals."
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Lisa: "Move over Calvin - it's time for my name to be on everyone's butt."
So, without further adieu:
I have two words for you: Marvin. Nedick. NEDICK!
Today, Slater is afraid of becoming an over-the-hill pro-wrestler so he takes up cooking because that is what you do I guess. But, look-out Slater, 'cuz Zack bet his non-existant dirt bike against Valley warlord Marvin Nedick's so I bet there will be a scam. There is.
And did I mention that Nedick is so awesome. He looks and acts exactly like every kind-of-fat tough dude moron in high schools across this great land! In fact, I went to high school with about 5 Nedicks. I bet they all had sweet dirt bikes too!
NEDICK!
Also in this episode, the silliest cooking class ever with a crazy teacher who sings the ingredients and shakes her breasts (no joke) and that is so weird. Oh and OH, there is this amazing dream sequence where the students come back to the Max for a reunion (and for some reason Mr. Belding gives them something that looks like a diploma. A diploma for what? Reunioning?) and Screech is a supercool astronaut, Mr. Belding has Lisa's name on his butt, AND Slater dresses like Hulk Hogan and it is so good I want to cry!
Today's Quote
Marvin Nedick: Come Friday, I'm going to be riding something in the dirt - either your bike or your face!
Most Implausible Moment
When Zack pits Screech against Nedick to guilt Slater into wrestling, one is left to wonder: Doesn't this wrestling team have a coach?
Hope and Crosby Watch
Mr. Belding: "Now what is it like in space?"
Screech: "Far out. Have a Mars Bar."
Mr. Belding: "Is there really life on Mars?"
Screech: "No. All the good clubs close at 9."
Hahahahaha!
Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch
Slater: "Why have a litter of preppies when you can have a bunch of stud-muffins like me?"
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Mr. Belding: "...and that's how I became the Flo Jo of principals."
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Lisa: "Move over Calvin - it's time for my name to be on everyone's butt."
Friday, August 20, 2004
The Baby Sitters
So, today Kelly's parents are trapped at a Ski Lodge and because they don't mind leaving 7 kids (including an infant) home without adult supervision, Kelly finds herself in a pickle - she has to take care of her infant brother Billy! That's a big uh-oh cuz, for reasons that there was simply not enough time to explain, babies are not allowed in Bayside even if it's an emergency and the baby would probably die. No babies. Oh and oops it's yearbook picture day and nobody wants to have a baby in their yearbook picture and look out 'cuz Kelly broke her arm off screen. That must mean it's time for subterfuge and cover-ups and puns. Oh the wonderful puns. Brothers and sisters, wait until you see these puns.
Also today, a Keystone Cops style sped-up search scene (Keystone Cops style sped up scenes always being that mark of good taste and class) that is incredible and goes like this.
(At 2x speed and to old timey music) Lisa, Slater and Screech are going into lockers. I assume they will come out of the same locker they went into. WHAT? They all came out of different lockers? What is going on? Slater's going into a locker. WHAT? Lisa is coming out of that same locker? How is this possible? Wait, Screech is going into a locker, surely he'll - HUH? He's in the garbage can? Has the entire world turned topsy-turvy???
Awesome.
Today's Quote
PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zack: Oh no, French class. Look, whatever you do, don't go "oui oui", OK?
-OR-
Zack: Kelly sure picked a great time to break her arm.
Screech: I guess those are the breaks.
-OR-
Slater (on diaper changing): ...then we get umbrellas because we don't want to be given a baby shower.
-OR-
Kelly: Something tells me you haven't changed that much.
Zack: Oh yeah? (In baby talk) I changed him 38 times, didn't I? Yes I did.
38 times? That kid should probably see a doctor.
-AND, THE WINNER-
Mr Belding: Your attention pleaase, this is your Principal, Mr. Belding. Yearbook pictures are being taken in the library. Chess club - it's your move. Insect club - you go in five minutes, so stop bugging me. HAH-ha!
Glorious.
Most Implausible Moment
Getting out of trouble by convincing Mr. Belding he's senile? So lame.
"These Boots Were Made For Walking" Watch
It's nice to see that a progressive school like Bayside still has a girls-only Home Economics class where they teach young girls important things like how to hold a baby, etc.
All the trig in the world ain't gonna change that diaper, ladies!
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Slater: "I've got a ding-dong in my gym bag."
Ick.
Also today, a Keystone Cops style sped-up search scene (Keystone Cops style sped up scenes always being that mark of good taste and class) that is incredible and goes like this.
(At 2x speed and to old timey music) Lisa, Slater and Screech are going into lockers. I assume they will come out of the same locker they went into. WHAT? They all came out of different lockers? What is going on? Slater's going into a locker. WHAT? Lisa is coming out of that same locker? How is this possible? Wait, Screech is going into a locker, surely he'll - HUH? He's in the garbage can? Has the entire world turned topsy-turvy???
Awesome.
Today's Quote
PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zack: Oh no, French class. Look, whatever you do, don't go "oui oui", OK?
-OR-
Zack: Kelly sure picked a great time to break her arm.
Screech: I guess those are the breaks.
-OR-
Slater (on diaper changing): ...then we get umbrellas because we don't want to be given a baby shower.
-OR-
Kelly: Something tells me you haven't changed that much.
Zack: Oh yeah? (In baby talk) I changed him 38 times, didn't I? Yes I did.
38 times? That kid should probably see a doctor.
-AND, THE WINNER-
Mr Belding: Your attention pleaase, this is your Principal, Mr. Belding. Yearbook pictures are being taken in the library. Chess club - it's your move. Insect club - you go in five minutes, so stop bugging me. HAH-ha!
Glorious.
Most Implausible Moment
Getting out of trouble by convincing Mr. Belding he's senile? So lame.
"These Boots Were Made For Walking" Watch
It's nice to see that a progressive school like Bayside still has a girls-only Home Economics class where they teach young girls important things like how to hold a baby, etc.
All the trig in the world ain't gonna change that diaper, ladies!
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Slater: "I've got a ding-dong in my gym bag."
Ick.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
The Friendship Bracelet
TBS seems to trying out some sort of experiment in postmodern non-chronological narrative here, because today we jump in the Wayback machine leaving the dreadful and useless Tori in our dust. Good-bye, earnest biker-girl! Hello Mr Tuttle and Alan!
Today, resident jack-of-all-trades Mr. Tuttle is teaching business or economics or something where there's an excuse for students to be running a business and fighting and everything. The consumer is the winner here, as we get a surfer business ("The Fold N' Surf"), a nerd business ("Pocket Protector Protectors"), and that bit of braided nylon that sets the world afire: The Friendship Bracelet/Buddy Band! "Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated..."
Also in this episode, an amazingly over-produced video advertisement for Buddy Bands (my my, that $100 start-up capital goes a long way in Bayside) with Slater, Kelly and Jessie, and boy oh boy Slater just dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances! I really just can't get enough of that. Plus, Mr. B pumps iron, oh and Screech does the worst Robin Leech ever for absolutely no reason!
Today's Quote
Mr Tuttle: There's room for similar products in the marketplace, Mr. Morris. Look at Pepsi and Coke, Avis amd Hertz...
Screech: Bologna and Whipped Cream!
Most Implausible Moment
Honestly, how did three high school students get a professionally choreographed and edited video produced overnight? Even one that sucks this bad would take at least a full day. Sheesh!
Alan Watch
Mr. Tuttle: "Mr. Poindexter, do you really believe in this product?"
Edgar Poindexter: "Yes we do."
Alan: "We do. When do we eat?"
Man, that fat kid is so awesome.
"Slater and His Strange Hypotheticals" Watch
Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."
I seriously cannot imagine a scenerio where that could possibly make sense.
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."
We've all been there, Slater.
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Screech: "The fifth richest man in the world."
Zack: "Fourth! I just bought Bill Cosby."
To do what, Zack?
Jessie: "Mr. Morris, President Bush called - he wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev*. And Vice President Quayle broke his when he tried to put it over his head."
Hahahaha! Satire!
* This is getting ridiculous - it's like a Gorbachev reference an episode. At least this time it's not about the damn birthmark.
Today, resident jack-of-all-trades Mr. Tuttle is teaching business or economics or something where there's an excuse for students to be running a business and fighting and everything. The consumer is the winner here, as we get a surfer business ("The Fold N' Surf"), a nerd business ("Pocket Protector Protectors"), and that bit of braided nylon that sets the world afire: The Friendship Bracelet/Buddy Band! "Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated..."
Also in this episode, an amazingly over-produced video advertisement for Buddy Bands (my my, that $100 start-up capital goes a long way in Bayside) with Slater, Kelly and Jessie, and boy oh boy Slater just dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances! I really just can't get enough of that. Plus, Mr. B pumps iron, oh and Screech does the worst Robin Leech ever for absolutely no reason!
Today's Quote
Mr Tuttle: There's room for similar products in the marketplace, Mr. Morris. Look at Pepsi and Coke, Avis amd Hertz...
Screech: Bologna and Whipped Cream!
Most Implausible Moment
Honestly, how did three high school students get a professionally choreographed and edited video produced overnight? Even one that sucks this bad would take at least a full day. Sheesh!
Alan Watch
Mr. Tuttle: "Mr. Poindexter, do you really believe in this product?"
Edgar Poindexter: "Yes we do."
Alan: "We do. When do we eat?"
Man, that fat kid is so awesome.
"Slater and His Strange Hypotheticals" Watch
Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."
I seriously cannot imagine a scenerio where that could possibly make sense.
"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."
We've all been there, Slater.
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Screech: "The fifth richest man in the world."
Zack: "Fourth! I just bought Bill Cosby."
To do what, Zack?
Jessie: "Mr. Morris, President Bush called - he wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev*. And Vice President Quayle broke his when he tried to put it over his head."
Hahahaha! Satire!
* This is getting ridiculous - it's like a Gorbachev reference an episode. At least this time it's not about the damn birthmark.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Day of Dentention
Political unrest and cynicism permeates this sharp criticism of industrialist capitalism. More than anything else, the students (the workers) of Bayside dream of escape from their dreary lives. When one idyllic dreamer (Zack Morris) hears on the government sponsored radio of a chance to escape to the famed Utopian world of Ha-wa-ii, he desperately plots to win the contest. Mr. Belding (the Ogliarchical Manager), realizing that escape would undermine his entire social system and bring his already teetering empire to collapse, imprisons not only Zack but all of Zack's known associates (deemed "co-conspirators" by this corrupt court of one).
Zack's frequent attempts at escape symbolize the power of hope and the resiliancy of the human spirit against seemingly impossible odds. But in a profoundly pessimistic and cynical twist, Zack ends up coming within inches of success, failing to answer the one question which will lead to his freedom (a question concerning a Bonsai Tree, which we'll remember, Mr. Belding has symbolically reduced to a stump earlier in the narrative). When the contest's prize ends up in the hands of Mr Belding himself, the viewer realizes that escape for Zack was always impossible, for it was attempted through the very system the Managerial class controls.
Was the government-sponsored "contest" just a sham, put in place to keep the working class dreaming of a brighter future that will never come? Or was it specifically engineered to root out dissidents such as Zack, to crush them under the iron heel of the system before they can create any real discontent? The answer is deliberately left ambiguous, but, as Mr. Belding takes Zack back to prison, the ultimate message is crushing, desolate, and profound.
Also, Screech is Christ maybe.
Today's Quote
Upon finding Slater sprawled out on the stairs, feigning injury:
Ox: Oh no! Belding hit him!
Most Implausible Moment
Yet again, Screech dresses up like Zack in order to fake out a stranger.
Hey Screech: DJ Rappin' Ken Kelly HAS NO IDEA WHAT ZACK LOOKS LIKE!
Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Bonsai" a Japanese practice? And isn't Hawaii not Japan?
Screech on the Ancient Art of Bonsai
Screech: "Too much foliage on the left-hand side symbolizes flabby emotions - it means you're a namby-pamby!
Screech: "Thin is in - it's bonsai, not Sumo Wrestling!"
"Those Nerds and Their Orthodonture" Watch
Nerd: "Excuse me please - I have to call my Orthodontist."
Zack's frequent attempts at escape symbolize the power of hope and the resiliancy of the human spirit against seemingly impossible odds. But in a profoundly pessimistic and cynical twist, Zack ends up coming within inches of success, failing to answer the one question which will lead to his freedom (a question concerning a Bonsai Tree, which we'll remember, Mr. Belding has symbolically reduced to a stump earlier in the narrative). When the contest's prize ends up in the hands of Mr Belding himself, the viewer realizes that escape for Zack was always impossible, for it was attempted through the very system the Managerial class controls.
Was the government-sponsored "contest" just a sham, put in place to keep the working class dreaming of a brighter future that will never come? Or was it specifically engineered to root out dissidents such as Zack, to crush them under the iron heel of the system before they can create any real discontent? The answer is deliberately left ambiguous, but, as Mr. Belding takes Zack back to prison, the ultimate message is crushing, desolate, and profound.
Also, Screech is Christ maybe.
Today's Quote
Upon finding Slater sprawled out on the stairs, feigning injury:
Ox: Oh no! Belding hit him!
Most Implausible Moment
Yet again, Screech dresses up like Zack in order to fake out a stranger.
Hey Screech: DJ Rappin' Ken Kelly HAS NO IDEA WHAT ZACK LOOKS LIKE!
Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Bonsai" a Japanese practice? And isn't Hawaii not Japan?
Screech on the Ancient Art of Bonsai
Screech: "Too much foliage on the left-hand side symbolizes flabby emotions - it means you're a namby-pamby!
Screech: "Thin is in - it's bonsai, not Sumo Wrestling!"
"Those Nerds and Their Orthodonture" Watch
Nerd: "Excuse me please - I have to call my Orthodontist."
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Cream for a Day
Ah, the acne cream episode. Zit Away, Beldasil, Obviously Whiped Cream and toothpaste: call it by any name and it is still is wonder and a blessing and a wonder.
Today, a chemistry experiment blows up in Screech's face (literally! Hahahaha!) which is an experience I'm sure every one who's been in a sitcom can relate to. Does it burn his flesh? Give him super powers? Nope, it demolishes blemishes in a matter of hours (the underlying science behind such a physiological miracle is, as I'm sure you've assumed, explained ad naseum - if ad nauseum means not at all). Unintential side effect - maroon blotchy rashes. Oh, also comedy!
Also today, we find out that Bayside hasn't beaten Valley at football in 23 years and that is probably because their star quarterback is a freshman and Slater. Also, CRATERFACE COBURN! That kid should have been a regular.
Zack: "Give 'em some I.D., Charles."
Craterface: "(Loud "Revenge of the Nerds"-style laugh.)"
Brilliant.
Today's Quote
Jessie (giving Valley's cheer): We won I'm sure we won get re-al like forever is the deal.
Man, somebody wrote that.
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
After a truly spectacular rap by Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie (so far, the whole gang has rapped at least once, with Slater going twice with today's human beat-box debacle), the famed Bayside school cheer. Sing along, kids:
Everybody: Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Go Bayside!!!!!!!
Most Implausible Moment
Lisa (to Kelly): "How is anyone going to find out you wear a retainer?"
Nerd: "Wanna join our Retainer Club?!"
C'mon. A Retainer Club?
C'mon.
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Screech: "My worst nightmare has come true!"
Zack: "You found out ALF* was a puppet?"
Screech: "He is?"
Screech: "It could do wonders for Gorbachev*!"
Zack: "Sort of like an Acne Glasnost."
And, the pièce de résistance:
Craterface: "Jason Bateman's not on the $10 bill!"
* What is with all the ALF and Gorbachev's head stuff? Seriously?
Also:
Today, a chemistry experiment blows up in Screech's face (literally! Hahahaha!) which is an experience I'm sure every one who's been in a sitcom can relate to. Does it burn his flesh? Give him super powers? Nope, it demolishes blemishes in a matter of hours (the underlying science behind such a physiological miracle is, as I'm sure you've assumed, explained ad naseum - if ad nauseum means not at all). Unintential side effect - maroon blotchy rashes. Oh, also comedy!
Also today, we find out that Bayside hasn't beaten Valley at football in 23 years and that is probably because their star quarterback is a freshman and Slater. Also, CRATERFACE COBURN! That kid should have been a regular.
Zack: "Give 'em some I.D., Charles."
Craterface: "(Loud "Revenge of the Nerds"-style laugh.)"
Brilliant.
Today's Quote
Jessie (giving Valley's cheer): We won I'm sure we won get re-al like forever is the deal.
Man, somebody wrote that.
Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame
After a truly spectacular rap by Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie (so far, the whole gang has rapped at least once, with Slater going twice with today's human beat-box debacle), the famed Bayside school cheer. Sing along, kids:
Everybody: Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Go Bayside!!!!!!!
Most Implausible Moment
Lisa (to Kelly): "How is anyone going to find out you wear a retainer?"
Nerd: "Wanna join our Retainer Club?!"
C'mon. A Retainer Club?
C'mon.
"Remember the 90's?!" Watch
Screech: "My worst nightmare has come true!"
Zack: "You found out ALF* was a puppet?"
Screech: "He is?"
Screech: "It could do wonders for Gorbachev*!"
Zack: "Sort of like an Acne Glasnost."
And, the pièce de résistance:
Craterface: "Jason Bateman's not on the $10 bill!"
* What is with all the ALF and Gorbachev's head stuff? Seriously?
Also:
Monday, August 16, 2004
Dancin' to the Max
Today, Bayside gets served, as the students dance at the command of one Casey Kasem. "Two will enter, one will leave," bellows Casey, as the ruthless Applause-O-Meter determines the fate of our heroes. Who will survive? The Spandex Twins? The Powerhouse Preppies? The Warriors? Only the Applause-O-Meter knows for sure.
Also today, Jessie is super-racist against short people, we hear some decidedly rockin' Bach, Mr. B refers to himself as the "Big Bopper" for the first time ever, and Slater just dances and smiles and dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances!
Today's Quote
Jessie: "Zack, you don't know what it's like to be the freak. Taller than all the boys. The jokes, the looks, the whispers.
Wait till Showgirls comes out Ms. Spannow - you ain't seen jokes, looks and whispers.
Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame
Casey Kasem's flubbing of this line turns a commonplace lemon into the sweetest lemonade:
Casey Kasem: C'mon everybody! Let's do...the...(looks down, flustered) ... the sprain!
Most Implausible Moment
When the school band rocks their socks off to the tunes of the Big Bach-er, the sound of a mighty saxophone takes center stage.
One problem: There is no saxophone in the room.
"Fat People Are Not People Too" Watch
Mr. Margolies: "Poor Mrs. Wickham slipped and got her head stuck in a tuba."
Slater: "Maybe they should get Fat Tommy to blow her out."
Mr. Margolies: "Good idea."
The incessant mocking of the overweight is not just rampant in the halls of Bayside, it is ENCOURAGED!
Also today, Jessie is super-racist against short people, we hear some decidedly rockin' Bach, Mr. B refers to himself as the "Big Bopper" for the first time ever, and Slater just dances and smiles and dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances!
Today's Quote
Jessie: "Zack, you don't know what it's like to be the freak. Taller than all the boys. The jokes, the looks, the whispers.
Wait till Showgirls comes out Ms. Spannow - you ain't seen jokes, looks and whispers.
Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame
Casey Kasem's flubbing of this line turns a commonplace lemon into the sweetest lemonade:
Casey Kasem: C'mon everybody! Let's do...the...(looks down, flustered) ... the sprain!
Most Implausible Moment
When the school band rocks their socks off to the tunes of the Big Bach-er, the sound of a mighty saxophone takes center stage.
One problem: There is no saxophone in the room.
"Fat People Are Not People Too" Watch
Mr. Margolies: "Poor Mrs. Wickham slipped and got her head stuck in a tuba."
Slater: "Maybe they should get Fat Tommy to blow her out."
Mr. Margolies: "Good idea."
The incessant mocking of the overweight is not just rampant in the halls of Bayside, it is ENCOURAGED!
Thursday, August 5, 2004
Masquerade Ball
Ok, so today an anonymous series of love letters between Screech and Lisa causes confusion and distrees which probably sounds familiar to you because the EXACT SAME THING happened in Monday's episode, "Love Letters."
Dear Saved by the Bell, While I will admit to finding it charming when you recycle just about every plot from sitcom history, this does not mean that it is cool with me if you recycle one of these plots more than once! That is cheating!
Also in this episode, Ms. Cullpepper, the blind teacher who is so blind that it is clear she can only make out vague shapes and that is probably pretty dangerous and oh yeah it is ironic because she teaches art which is the one subject that blind people probably shouldn't teach, plays the Miss Bliss role in the "I-Don't-Want-To-Date-Mr.-Belding-Misunderstanding." Between her and Mrs. Simpson, Saved by the Bell teaches us that, while wheelchailers are OFF-LIMITS, it is OK to make fun of the blind and deaf.
Also, there are sweet costumes and Mr. B. is a pirate(!) and Slater is an astronaut (but Ginger thinks he is a deep sea diver hahahaha) and he accidentally makes out with Screech dressed as Gumby so for a second I was like, "When did I start watching Velvet Goldmine?" Plus, Lisa loves Zack which is so awkward that it is never ever talked about again (except for the really weird one where they start dating, but I can only take these one at a time people). And Screech does the world's worst Groucho Marx for absolutely no reason.
Whew!
Today's Quote
Tori: I think he's a jerk...and a hypocrite!
Screech: No he's not! He's a Methodist!
Most Implausible Moment
When Tori is in the cat costume pretending to be Lisa while Zack confesses, why does she act like a cat, rubbing her "paws" on her face and meowing?
Why would anyone think that makes any kind of sense whatsoever?
"How'd That Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "Can me and my tongue go now?"
The Max Menu Watch
Today's Confirmed Menu Items:
1. Hamburger
2. Turkey Burger
3. Chicken Burger
4. Little Green Peas
Dear Saved by the Bell, While I will admit to finding it charming when you recycle just about every plot from sitcom history, this does not mean that it is cool with me if you recycle one of these plots more than once! That is cheating!
Also in this episode, Ms. Cullpepper, the blind teacher who is so blind that it is clear she can only make out vague shapes and that is probably pretty dangerous and oh yeah it is ironic because she teaches art which is the one subject that blind people probably shouldn't teach, plays the Miss Bliss role in the "I-Don't-Want-To-Date-Mr.-Belding-Misunderstanding." Between her and Mrs. Simpson, Saved by the Bell teaches us that, while wheelchailers are OFF-LIMITS, it is OK to make fun of the blind and deaf.
Also, there are sweet costumes and Mr. B. is a pirate(!) and Slater is an astronaut (but Ginger thinks he is a deep sea diver hahahaha) and he accidentally makes out with Screech dressed as Gumby so for a second I was like, "When did I start watching Velvet Goldmine?" Plus, Lisa loves Zack which is so awkward that it is never ever talked about again (except for the really weird one where they start dating, but I can only take these one at a time people). And Screech does the world's worst Groucho Marx for absolutely no reason.
Whew!
Today's Quote
Tori: I think he's a jerk...and a hypocrite!
Screech: No he's not! He's a Methodist!
Most Implausible Moment
When Tori is in the cat costume pretending to be Lisa while Zack confesses, why does she act like a cat, rubbing her "paws" on her face and meowing?
Why would anyone think that makes any kind of sense whatsoever?
"How'd That Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech: "Can me and my tongue go now?"
The Max Menu Watch
Today's Confirmed Menu Items:
1. Hamburger
2. Turkey Burger
3. Chicken Burger
4. Little Green Peas
Wednesday, August 4, 2004
The Showdown
There are many who malign the Miss Bliss years, who say that the Midwestern yokels of JFK Middle School can't compete with the sexy swagger of the Bayside crowd. To those naysayers and jetsetters, I say only this:
Behold the power of DEKE!
This is easily one of my all-time favorites, as Deke the illiterate bully (played by David Boreanaz lookalike Andras Jones, in the role that should have made him a star) wreaks havoc on the idyllic city of Indianapolis and spouts some of the best dialogue in Saved by the Bell history!
Also in this episode, Lisa and Nikki drive me crazy with their stupid fight over Nikki's play about a park ranger that I don't care about because goddammit where the hell is Deke?!!!
Today's Quote:
Mikey: I've got some advice: When Deke hits you, fall on a fat kid.
Jeez Louise, Mikey, fat kids have feeling too!
Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame:
Deke: You know what would make me feel better? Erasing the lines on the basketball court...with your FACE!
Man, I wish I had more Deke, but, except for this piece of 25 karat gold, it's mostly all in the delivery - simply put, Deke has to be seen to be believed.
Most Implausible Moment
Consider the following exchange:
Miss Bliss: "Do your parent's know [that you can't read]?"
Deke: "Who do you think taught me not to read?!"
Wait a second. They TAUGHT you how NOT to read? I, uh, I don't get it.
"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch
Milo: "I even named it - Woody."
Tina: "This is a stage, the show must go on, and Woody's gonna get nailed!"
Whoa.
Oh, and one more thing:
Deke (to Screech, but also, to the world):
"I CAN'T READ! WHY AREN'T YOU LAGHING?! YOU'RE SUPPPOSED TO LAUGH AND THEN I HIT YOU! THAT'S HOW THIS GOES!"
That's right, Deke, let it all out. Just ... let it all out...
Behold the power of DEKE!
This is easily one of my all-time favorites, as Deke the illiterate bully (played by David Boreanaz lookalike Andras Jones, in the role that should have made him a star) wreaks havoc on the idyllic city of Indianapolis and spouts some of the best dialogue in Saved by the Bell history!
Also in this episode, Lisa and Nikki drive me crazy with their stupid fight over Nikki's play about a park ranger that I don't care about because goddammit where the hell is Deke?!!!
Today's Quote:
Mikey: I've got some advice: When Deke hits you, fall on a fat kid.
Jeez Louise, Mikey, fat kids have feeling too!
Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame:
Deke: You know what would make me feel better? Erasing the lines on the basketball court...with your FACE!
Man, I wish I had more Deke, but, except for this piece of 25 karat gold, it's mostly all in the delivery - simply put, Deke has to be seen to be believed.
Most Implausible Moment
Consider the following exchange:
Miss Bliss: "Do your parent's know [that you can't read]?"
Deke: "Who do you think taught me not to read?!"
Wait a second. They TAUGHT you how NOT to read? I, uh, I don't get it.
"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch
Milo: "I even named it - Woody."
Tina: "This is a stage, the show must go on, and Woody's gonna get nailed!"
Whoa.
Oh, and one more thing:
Deke (to Screech, but also, to the world):
"I CAN'T READ! WHY AREN'T YOU LAGHING?! YOU'RE SUPPPOSED TO LAUGH AND THEN I HIT YOU! THAT'S HOW THIS GOES!"
That's right, Deke, let it all out. Just ... let it all out...
Tuesday, August 3, 2004
Teen-Line
No, this isn't deja vu! The Saved by the Bell writers liked the idea of a teen-line so much, they don't mind calling it up againl!
This time, though, it ain't just about scheming! You see, painfully earnest biker-chick Tori suggests a "Teen-Line and Rap Room (awesome)" for the mandatory senior class community service project. So, today, along with the comedy, lessons.
Also today, Screech is for no real reason matched with a rambunctious little brother and lameness ensues. Plus, wheelchair basketball!
Today's Quote:
Screech: Rap Room? I love that show! I see Zack - he's a doobie!
Most Implausible Moment
Holy cow! The things Zack says about his handicapped girlfriend? Unbelievable!
A sampling:
Zack (on first date): 'Whoa! You're in a wheelchair!"
Zack (to everybody else: "Now look, Melissa's handicapped but she's really comfortable with it so let's move on, OK?!"
Zack (in movie theater): "Excuse me sir, would you mind slumping down? My date's in a wheelchair!"
Zack (in the rap room): Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice!"
Great Grandma Moses!
'How's This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech shoots for two today:
Screech: "...and then my mom bought me this blow-up doll."
-AND-
Screech: "Whenever you have ideas, I end up in my underwear!"
"Dad, Did People Really Talk Like That" Watch
Slater: "All right Prepmeister way to go Amigo give me a fiver!"
This time, though, it ain't just about scheming! You see, painfully earnest biker-chick Tori suggests a "Teen-Line and Rap Room (awesome)" for the mandatory senior class community service project. So, today, along with the comedy, lessons.
Also today, Screech is for no real reason matched with a rambunctious little brother and lameness ensues. Plus, wheelchair basketball!
Today's Quote:
Screech: Rap Room? I love that show! I see Zack - he's a doobie!
Most Implausible Moment
Holy cow! The things Zack says about his handicapped girlfriend? Unbelievable!
A sampling:
Zack (on first date): 'Whoa! You're in a wheelchair!"
Zack (to everybody else: "Now look, Melissa's handicapped but she's really comfortable with it so let's move on, OK?!"
Zack (in movie theater): "Excuse me sir, would you mind slumping down? My date's in a wheelchair!"
Zack (in the rap room): Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice!"
Great Grandma Moses!
'How's This Get Past Standards?" Watch
Screech shoots for two today:
Screech: "...and then my mom bought me this blow-up doll."
-AND-
Screech: "Whenever you have ideas, I end up in my underwear!"
"Dad, Did People Really Talk Like That" Watch
Slater: "All right Prepmeister way to go Amigo give me a fiver!"
Monday, August 2, 2004
Love Letters
TBS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???
Today, the continuity jumped 3 years and into the horrid quagmire that is Tori! Not only that, it was an episode I've already done! Sheesh!
Luckily, there is always the 7-8am slot. So, I bring you a Miss Bliss episode from this morning:
So, today a lame love letter brings about chaste flirtation, impossible misunderstandings, and little to no Mikey Gonzalez. Also, it turns out, Zack is only friends with Screech when conveniant. Boy, I bet he wishes he remembered that one at Bayside.
Today's Quote
Zack: Where are you going, Screech?
Screech: To quell my woman's buring fire!
Most Implausible Moment
The "Miss Bliss" episodes lack the stupendous, mind-boggling implausibility of the Bayside Years, but, if I have to pick something:
For a supposedly super-smart teacher, Ms. Bliss sure has trouble putting this one together.
"No Child Left Behind" Watch
Hunky Substitute Jerry Vick: "Serious thinking? I gave that up years ago. I guess that's why I'm a substitute teacher."
Hahaha. Good one Jerry!
"Saved by the Bell vs. The Collected Works of Charles Dickens" Watch
Topic: Spontaneous Combustion
Saved by the Bell:
Miss Bliss, quoting from Zack's prior excuses (1987): "'My grandmother was reading my homework when she spontaneously combusted.'"
Dickens:
Bleak House (1853): "It was shewn upon the evidence that she had died the death to which this name of spontaneous combustion has been given."
Winner: Saved by the Bell (Score: 1-0)
Today, the continuity jumped 3 years and into the horrid quagmire that is Tori! Not only that, it was an episode I've already done! Sheesh!
Luckily, there is always the 7-8am slot. So, I bring you a Miss Bliss episode from this morning:
So, today a lame love letter brings about chaste flirtation, impossible misunderstandings, and little to no Mikey Gonzalez. Also, it turns out, Zack is only friends with Screech when conveniant. Boy, I bet he wishes he remembered that one at Bayside.
Today's Quote
Zack: Where are you going, Screech?
Screech: To quell my woman's buring fire!
Most Implausible Moment
The "Miss Bliss" episodes lack the stupendous, mind-boggling implausibility of the Bayside Years, but, if I have to pick something:
For a supposedly super-smart teacher, Ms. Bliss sure has trouble putting this one together.
"No Child Left Behind" Watch
Hunky Substitute Jerry Vick: "Serious thinking? I gave that up years ago. I guess that's why I'm a substitute teacher."
Hahaha. Good one Jerry!
"Saved by the Bell vs. The Collected Works of Charles Dickens" Watch
Topic: Spontaneous Combustion
Saved by the Bell:
Miss Bliss, quoting from Zack's prior excuses (1987): "'My grandmother was reading my homework when she spontaneously combusted.'"
Dickens:
Bleak House (1853): "It was shewn upon the evidence that she had died the death to which this name of spontaneous combustion has been given."
Winner: Saved by the Bell (Score: 1-0)
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