Wrestling with the Future

In today's episode, Slater is wrestling with his future, but he is also wrestling like in the sport. Note the parallel.

Seems the Major had always dreamed that A.C. would go to West Point one day because that is their thing, but Slater would prefer to go to Iowa on a wrestling scholarship and blah blah blech. Also in today's episode, subterfuge involving Zack dressing like Rambo and describing an invasion of Canada (well imagine that, SbtB!), yet another college admissions officer visits the Max to make and disclose a major admissions decision, Saved by the Bell shines up two chestnuts with the "oops we're handcuffed together and I keep hitting my head with my hand so YOU keep hitting YOUR head with YOUR hand" and the "'I'm glad we had this talk' even though you did all the talking" bits. Bravo to that. Also, Mr. B and a congressman waste the taxpayer's valuable resources to teach a lesson to two kids, Jessie is racist against McDonalds employees, and Slater's dad pretty much sucks all around if you ask me.

Today's Quote

Major Slater: My CO went AWOL with a GI from the PX. I gotta go ASAP. See you A.C.

Haha, those are all letters that stand for things, right?

Most Implausible Moment

You'd think a congressman would have his own office and wouldn't need to borrow a high school principal's office to conduct interviews. You'd think that because that is how things work in reality.

SbtB QotD's Guide to Where the Gang Went to College

Zack - Yale
Jessie - Columbia
Lisa - FIT
Slater - Iowa
Kelly - Community College and a job
Screech - either Emerson, USC, Clemson, Princeton, Duke, Cal. Tech, The Barbazon School for Modeling, or Hamburger University (though probably not Barbazon b/c he thought it was for building little plastic airplanes haha get it??)

Print that out and put it in your wallet too, OK?

Hey Abbott! Watch

Zack: "Slater, c'mon, tell him . . . Iowa?
Major Slater: "Iowa?"
Slater: "Yeah, uh, I owe-a Zack ten bucks."

Hahaha, third base! Tell the one about Miss Issippi's new jersey next!

Remember the 90s?! Watch

Congressman Shepherd: "Major Martin Slater -- your father?"
Zack (as Slater): "Oh, yeah yeah yeah -- I just call him Major Dad."

SLATERism Watch

Today's Slaterism comes from Jessie.

Screech: "Looking good in that skirt, mama."
Jessie: "Why don't you go buy [note -- maybe 'bite'?] a stray dog?"

Wait. What?

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Mr Belding: "Sometimes the truth hurts, but, in the long run, lies hurt more."

Ok, Mr. B, I'll be honest -- Saved by the Bell blows.

You're right. That felt good.

A Home for Christmas

Ho ho ho, and happy happy. Like a BB gun hidden behind the radiator, here's a late Christmas present from me to you guys -- some new SbtB QotD's! I'm just puttering around the old Stevestead for the next couple of weeks, so I should have some time to watch television. Especially at lunch. So here goes.

In today's episode, the gang all get narratively convenient jobs at the mall for the holidays. The downside? No Mr. B. The upside? Nothing! Anyway, seems the mall kindly opens their bathroom to allow homeless men to perform their morning toilette, and this leads to lessons. Remember kids, not all homeless people are schizo's with drug problems, so trust everyone!

Also in this episode, Slater proves incompetent at manual labor leaving the question as to what exactly he'll do with his life, Jessie is racist against children, Squeeze 'n Squirt lives up to her name, Screech has this mistletoe beenie which is just the tops, Slater dresses in this sleeveless elf costume that has to be seen to believed and then should probably be promptly unseen if you want to go back to ever feeling comfortable again ever, and Slater ties himself to a box which isn't possible but whatever I guess. Also, Lisa triumphantly returns to her candy striping post to give presents to children but mostly to reveal OMG the girl Zack is totally crushing on is totally homeless, so but for the grace of God, maybe they're just like us, etc etc. I think I heard this speech on the subway once.

Today's Quote

Kelly: He's homeless? That poor man . . .
Screech: Of course he's poor - that's why he's homeless!

Haha, so guess what? That one actually made me laugh. A Christmas miracle!

Most Implausible Moment

So, the gang somehow makes it magically snow inside the children's ward at the hospital, which first isn't really possible unless your children's ward is also a television studio and second can't be the best idea for a sterilized environment.

Hey kids, nevermind your already dangerlously compromised health - look, it's fake snow! Impossibly falling from the non-ceiling!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

Slater: "Screech, call 911!"
Screech: "Great. What's the number?"

Uh, I hope you saved the gift receipt, Saved by the Bell, because, well, you've given us that joke four times now.

Remember the 90'?! Watch

Screech: "Gift wrap? Isn't that an M.C. Hammer song?"

This could also be filed under Puns, except Puns is better than that.

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Zack: "You see, I really don't know much about the homeless people."

Yes, please tell me more about the homeless people, SbtB - their customs, their language. Do they celebrate Christmas too? I mean, do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Obscure Literary Reference Alert

Laura the Homelessess: "A Christmas Carol? I love that story!"

Really? I'm not familiar with that one. What's it about?

How'd That Get Past Standards? Watch

Slater: "Don't worry about that, Mrs. M. - I'm good at everything I do."

Screech: "It's not what you think! I'm potty trained - she isn't!"
Ew.

Jessie: "It's ok, as long as you don't kick me or bite me."
It's good to have standards, Jessie.

These Boots Are Made for Walking Watch

Zack: "I made gingerbread women."
Slater: "Gingerbread chicks. I like it."
Jessie: "For you, they should've made gingerbread pigs."

I'd like to think that that isn't so much a "joke," as a poignant, cynical reminder of how, year after year, we find ourselves unavoidably trapped in the same perfunctory roles over the holidays, mindlessly repeating the same worn out phrases, greetings, and wishes, all of which have long lost any meaning to us or the people we say them to. Like players in an endless Christmas pagent, we enter the stage, mumbling our lines to uncaring audience, who dutifully preserve it all on video cassettes no one will ever watch.

Or it's another dumb joke about how Slater is sexist and Jessie thinks that's bad.

Happy holidays everybody!

My Other Blog Is A Reindeer

Hey everybody,

I'm going to be doing a very special holiday music blog, 25 Songs of Christmas, which can be found here:
http://25songsofxmas.blogspot.com/

Come and learn the true meaning of Christmas every day from now until the 25th!

Thanks,
Steve

Earthquake

Bravely dusting off the most hoary of sitcom chestnuts, today Saved by the Bell invents a pregnant lady only to dangerously trap her in an enclosed space for the birth of her child. Will Tori be able to overcome her fear of earthquakes to use her narratively-convenient Lamaze skills (which apparently surpass actual medical knowledge as the most important element of safe childbirth -- it's that easy, ladies!) to save Mrs. B and baby Belding in the nick of time? Yes.

Also in this episode, Tori discovers that earthquakes are a thing, Lisa dresses like a neon cowgirl, Harry the Hippo! ("Hello, Mr. Bellllding!"), Mrs. B.'s only SbtB appearance ever is pretty much squandered, German physics teacher Herr Heimlich makes with the "ze's" und "ya's," and Slater does this amazing kung fu kick on Mr. B's flimsy sitcom door and Steve just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Hi-ya, AC. Hi-ya, indeed.

Today's Quote

Lisa: Maybe you're pregnant, Screech.
Screech: Oh Lisa, don't be ridiculous -- I'm not even married!

Don't forget to vote Republican this November, everybody!

Most Implausible Moment

Oh good golly, are you kidding?

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Belding: "Hah, I can outmaneuver Heimlich."

SbtB sets 'em up; Mr. B knocks 'em down.

Pickles and Ice Cream Omnibus

Crazy Things Mrs B Craves:
1. French Fries with Hot Fudge
2. Ginger Ale with a Scoop of Peanut Butter (the Screecher's favorite combo, by the by)

Those things are just crazy things!

Lake Kookamonga Funny Word Alert

Mrs. Belding: "I guess those french fries just got to me."
Screech: "Yeah, you know, I have the same problem whenever I eat garbonzo beans!"

And I get it when I eat kumquats!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

It's a least thrice to the well for SbtB on this one:

Mr. Belding: "Pete Pete, find the nearest telephone that's working and call 911 for help. Let them know that we have people stuck in an elevator and that one of them is having a baby."
Pete: "Right . . . What was that number again?"

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Girl, give those lips a rest!"

Oh my. I - I'm blushing.

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Tori: "When's it going to stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

The one and only time in SbtB history that I found myself and Tori in complete agreement.

Drunk Driving

To inaugurate the new site, I'm going to do a few Quotes of the Day. No promises as to how many I'll do, because I gave up promising for Lent.

OK, so, let's see if I can shake off the rust and relive my glory days one more time. In today's episode, Saved by the Bell does one of my favorite things in the whole wide world: it gets preachy! You see, it's one of Bayside's 4 blazillion annual homecoming games, and Ox has a party at his house (except sometimes he forgets it's his house because Ox is dumb), and look out because these is a wash tub full of generic sitcom brand beer (because Ox also forgets he has a refrigerator? Unexplained.), and oh well we're seniors and a one drink won't hurt, and uh-oh Wild Thing is one the radio in Lisa's Mom's Mercedes, and Wild Thing plus beer just makes the teens go bonkers, and also Zack is driving, and Zack turns around to tell Slater a story or something because apparently that is what you do when you are drunk driving? and then POW telephone pole city, yo. Then, of course, lies and subterfuge and blah blah get to the preaching already, Saved by the Bell!

Also in this episode: Slater dances and prances and struts and prances in his toga togs, Zack's bearded father looks like he's been on a bender himself (slow down there, Derrick!), not nearly enough Mr. Belding (although we do learn that he can instantly identify a car's water pipe on sight, which is certainly something in my estimation), GUILT TRIPS ahoy, and the school auditorium must be having repairs done because why is Mr. Belding leading a pep rally at the Max, Saved by the Bell? Oh, and Tori sucks.

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: "It's not every day that a truck load of bananas spills all over the freeway. I'm just glad your mother is all right. Terrible thing about the monkeys, though."

Well, just imagine that! You are simply the limit, Saved by the Bell.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok, this one's kind of subtle, but Mr. B is at the Max and he's all "I've got some bad news gang but Slater and his shoulder are having a lovers' quarrel and so no QB Slater at the big game," and then cut to Ox and the team who are all WHAAA??? and looking at Slater incredulously and with such great surprise. Here's the thing: SLATER HAS BEEN SITTING RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM WITH A SLING ON HIS SHOULDER THE WHOLE TIME.

It's a real implausibility connoisseur's moment.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Lisa: "You can't!"
Zack: "Her garage is full of boxes..."
Slater: "...tools..."
Screech: "...homeless people!"
Zack: "That's boxes of tools for homeless people."

Hahaha, third base!

Teen in Trouble Watch

Screech: "Tori, are you going to have [a beer]?"
Tori: "No, I don't drink, are you?"
Screech: "Are you kidding? I get a buzz from cough syrup."

Get 'em where you can, Screecher. Get 'em where you can.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Please, you can't even walk without bumpin' into somethin'."

-AND-

Screech: "Hey Lisa, you know my dog likes to do this?"

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Zack: "I can't do this anymore. It's all a lie."

I think I know how you feel, Zack.

Small Efforts

OK -- so, after months of dormancy, I'm going to repost all my SbtB QotD up here, as I have time to do so. I'm going to back-date them too, if possible. Let's see if this motorbike hums...

Running Zack

Sorry about the delay everybody. I ran into a couple of problems this week (moving, new DVR, etc, etc), but I was at least able to catch today's episode. I'm going on vacation for two weeks, but I've got the DVR hard at work while I'm gone, so the last week in August should be rich with Quotes of the Day. Hoorah and all that.

Moving on, today, Saved by the Bell tackles the difficult issue of race relations with all their renowned subtlety and maturity. You see, it's talk about your ancestors week in Miss Wentworth's Whatever the Hell Miss Wentworth Teaches class and look out because it turns out Zack is one-kablillionth Native American and, to teach Zack a lesson, Miss Wentworth sends him unaccompanied to a pot-smoking Indian surfer's house. Then the guy dies. Then Zack almost doesn't run in the big track meet against Valley. But then the Indian surfer's ghost visits him (what?) and he does, and a nation's wounds are healed because if there's one thing the white man and the red man can agree on, it's that Valley sucks.

Also in today's episode, Slater's family's only accomplishment is that one of them was a bullfighter once which sounds about right, Screech is the descendant of an Italian spy for some reason and uses that as an excuse to do the worst Italian accent ever (Mama mia, whassamatta for you, Screechini!), and, most importantly, Lisa's ancestor was a slave and Jessie's were slave traders so there is a lot of white guilt shone through the prism of crazy that is Jessie Spannow.

Today's Quote

Chief Henry: Your people ran too, Zack. Only, not for trophies - they ran to preserve their way of life.

That's some deep shit, man.

Most Implausible Moment

Oh, I guess I'd say the part where Zack is visited by the GHOST OF A DEAD INDIAN.

PUNS! Watch

It was a misunderstandathon in Miss W's class:

Lisa: "...he became a conductor on the Underground Railroad."

Screech: "They had subways during the Civil War?"

-AND-

Miss Wentworth: "We can all learn from the mistakes of Jessie's forefathers."

Screech: "Jessie has four fathers?!"

Also, ouch, Miss W!

AND, lastly, you didn't think we'd get out of this episode without this, did you?

Zack: "Hey, and you could help me be an Indian..."

Screech: "How?"

Zack: "That's a good start."

What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch

After Lisa attests to the bravery of her escaped slave ancestor, Slater adds:

Slater: "My great grandfather was brave too. He was a bullfighter."

Yeah, I can see how fighting for the freedom of your race and fighting a cow are equivalen -- Jesus, Slater, you are an idiot.

Miss Wentworth Should Seriously Be Fired Watch

Well, on top of sending a minor to some crazy dude's house without any permission from anybody AND announcing people's grades in class, she's also got a potty mouth:

Miss Wentworth: "Zack has my permission to go kick some Valley a-- rear-end.

The Powers Family Tree Assemblage Corner

Two more today:

1. Luigi Powerelli - dashing debonair Italian lover and spy. Great grandfather paternal side, I'm assuming.

2. Aunt Hannah - the one who looks like an old Indian but with thicker sideburns. Side not mentioned.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Jessie (to Lisa): "I will carry you on my back."

Slater: "Hey, there's a picture - Driving Miss Dizzy."

Hahaha, oh man that Slater wit claims another victim.

Little Break

Hey everybody, SbtB QotD is going to take a week-long break while I attend to some business. Unless something goes horribly wrong, we return on Monday, Aug 7.

Cut Day

Look out cuz it's the Bayside Annual Cut Day where the school lets everybody not go to school even though they have it. Everybody, that is, except for Zack. It seems our blonde Tom Cruise already has taken 9 of his 10 unexcused absences (WHAT) and so if he cuts he gets suspension but he has a bet with Slater and so on.

Also in this episode, Slater makes the only smart choice he'll ever make by deciding to break up with Jessie, we meet Graham the Environmentalist Who Sucks and watch him attempt to bring down the plastic foam establishment that we hate to tell it to him had already been brought down sometime in the late 80's, Mrs Culpepper who is still hilariously blind (she thinks North America is Africa on a map dudes) has her emotions cruelly toyed with, Screech eats Taliban-approved candied insects and Zack uses them to make Mr Belding barf on command, and Screech and Lisa do the old "buried-in-the-sand-drinking-from-a-straw-whoops-the-glass-is-empty-now" gag that was probably hilarious when some Egyptian Pharaoh’s court jester first made it. Now, not so much. Not so much at all.

Today's Quote

Zack: The crunchy part's the thorax heheheh.

Most Implausible Moment

Somehow, Graham has all the same interests as Jessie, serves on Student Council with Jessie, and sits next to Jessie in all of her classes, and yet, the two have never really met before today. And by "somehow" I mean, "In this part that is retarded".

Nerds And Things They Like Watch

Today, a motion made by four nerds, two dorks, and a dweeb (this Draconian nerd classification system is not elaborated upon) for a day of mourning recognizing the anniversary of the cancellation of Gilligan's Island. Later, the dweeb (Franklin is his name, for those of you keeping score at home) also alludes to a Mr Ed resolution.

The upshot being that I guess nerds really like their 60's tv.

Jessie and Graham's Protest Sign Omnibus

1. It's Time To Wake Up, Drink From A Paper Cup

2. Go Home Plastic Foam

3. Plastic Foam - The Choice Of Idiots

and, my favorite,

4. Drink Now - Die Later

Um, I think I prefer it that way guys.

These Boots Were Made For Walking Watch

Unnamed Teacher: "Where did we leave off?"

Jessie: "We were discussing the obvious benefits of a female president. She's long overdue."

Zack: "Yup, just like a woman - always late."

Haha Zack, also they drive bad too am I right?

Daddy, Did People Actually Talk Like That? Watch

Slater: "Zack owes me one hundred smackers."

Hold Me Tight

Ok so this episode has exactly one thing to recommend it: Coach Sonski. Man, everything out of the dude's mouth was rock solid gold. Otherwise, there's a girl who wants to be wrestler and blah blah blah but seriously Coach Sonski and Mr Dewey should totally have had a spin-off where they were outer space astronauts stuck in a space station and Sonski was messy and Dewey was clean and Dewey's always reading some math book or practicing his karate and Sonski is like "Hey Dewey, check out dis peanut butter and beer sandwich I just invented" and Dewey would be all "Son-SKI! That wasn't peanut butter - that was the last of our rocket fuel!" and Sonski would be all "Well strap me to da back a dis space station, 'cuz I'm about ta fire da ignition." You get the idea.

Also in this episode, Zack is both turned on and threatened by an empowered woman like the rest of us, Jessie can turn racist and back again on a dime, Jessie is so crazy that it's starting to make me a bit uncomfortable, the narratively convenient KKTY Bayside Radio Station appears again this time with the hit show "Spannow Speaks", Coach Sonski and Mr B are called pigs over 5 times in the first ten minutes, and there's this awesome Valley bully who attacks Zack and screams about murder until some nerd trips him. That part was pretty good.

Today's Quote

Coach Sonski: "Hey you worked on the full nelson and the half-nelson - why don't you show her the Willie Nelson? That's a country and wrestling joke, heh heh heh heh. [singing] I've got spurs that jingle jangle...

Most Implausible Moment

With the exception of Jessie's hairpin emotional turns, this episode wasn't tremendously implausible. So, I guess maybe I wonder where Bayside AND Valley found two 110 lbs. male high school students?

Before The Cock Crows, You Will Deny Me Three Times Watch

Kelly: "[Jessie]'s my friend, but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her."

Man, the past couple of days, Spannow-Kapowski relations seem strangely icy.

Subliminal Explanation Watch

So at one point, Jessie has a picket sign with a big capital S M P running down it (it says "Stop Macho Pigism"). No big deal, right? Well, when she turns it upside down to argue with Mr B and the capital letters read backwards, her character's motivation for the whole episode clicks into place.

Coach Sonski Speaks!

Coach Sonski: "That's cute honey, but this is a gym, not a Jane."

Coach Sonski: "You wanna wrestle with girls, date 'em."

Kristy Barnes: "That's not fair!"

Coach Sonski: "Well I don't have hair and that's not fair either."

Coach Sonski: "I don't care if I'm hated - I have pets at home who love me."

Coach Sonski: "Ok, I'm sensitive to dames. I watch Oprah."

How'd That Get Past Stands? Watch

Jessie: "There were a lot of snorts and grunts heard at Bayside yesterday, and they weren't just from the sweaty, red-faced wrestlers."

-AND-

Jessie (to Slater): "Yeah, when was the last time you held Rodriguez like that?"

Operation: Zack

What's that you say? Zack is all of a sudden the star player on the Bayside Basketball team? And today's the big championship game? Well, I hope nothing goes - OH NOES Mr Belding stopped short in the doorway and Zack bumped into him and now Zack needs knee surgery - which, if Saved by the Bell has its medical facts straight (and I assume it does), is somehow both nothing to worry about and the MOST SERIOUS THING IN THE UNIVERSE EVER. Will Zack live? Yes.

Also in this episode, Lisa takes a narratively convenient job as a candy striper, Mr Belding compromises almost all of his professional integrity because Zack walked into him and so he takes all of Zack's tests for him which I mean c'mon Saved by the Bell that is retarded, the basketball coach is very short which is hilarious because basketball players are supposed to be tall get it?, Slater plays basketball too which probably doesn't make the wrestling coach too happy, it turns out in heaven everybody looks like Screech which is pretty strange I think, it turns out nurses are basically strippers without the class and also have no problem hitting on high school kids, Zack has a ridiculous dream sequence funeral where he is buried in his locker and for some reason none of his family attends, and, finally, Saved by the Bell has no shame in shining up the old "remote control controls hospital bed not tv" comedy chestnut. In fact, it's a gag so nice, they do it twice!

Today's Quote

Kelly: Zack, is there anything I can do for you before I punch Jessie out?

The best thing about this quote is it came from nowhere. I was all :O

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Lisa (tearfully): Please God, take care of my friend.

Guys, the room was all dark and there was a single light shining on Lisa who had her tear-filled eyes raised pleadingly to the sky and dear God in heaven and all the saints please let our friend live through his very very serious minor knee surgery.

Remind me never to get knee surgery in Bayside because jeez Louise everybody was freaking out.

Most Implausible Moment

Somehow, Mr Belding was both at the hospital with Zack and at the game to mess up Slater's big shot. Um, that's impossible, even without LA traffic. (PS: I think I heard on Leno once that LA has bad traffic).

The Powers Family Tree Assemblage Corner

We learn the names of two of the Screecher's uncles today:

1. Uncle Shyster, the lawyer with the amazingly appropriate name.

2. Uncle Maury, who was killed getting his tonsils removed. RIP Uncle Maury.

Screech didn't mention if they are maternal or paternal, so place these two names in your misc. folders for now.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Screech: "Call me Air Zack."

Slater: "Air Nerd is more like it."

Haha, good one Slater. Also, by way of explanation, Screech was dressed like Zack dressed in his basketball uniform because something something barf.

Black Nerd Watch

Black Nerd (at Zack's dream sequence funeral): "Zack, you were a pretty cool dude, for a non-nerd."

I love the black nerd dudes, but it might be all in the voice.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

It's an innuendoruption today dudes:

Monique the nurse: "Keep her around in case you choke on a bone."

-AND-

Lisa: "When you did that you ripped off my skirt and I fell and bumped my butt on the ice."

-AND-

Ugly Sex-Starved Nurse: "Doctor, heal me with your kisses!"

The Bayside Triangle

Hey hey hey - what is going on here Saved by the Bell??? The only explanation for today’s episode would be that some executive at NBC let his thirteen-year-old daughter turn the fan fiction she wrote in study hall into a script for an entire show because seriously dudes. Seriously. This episode will blow your minds.

Because in today’s episode, Screech turns his Lisa-stalking up to “restraining order” which would be business as usual except, well, at the exact time, um, well, um, uh, well, Lisa starts making out with Zack. There’s also some nonsense about FIT and clothing designing and blah blah blah, but dudes Lisa and Zack totally make out and are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend forever and ever except that they won’t and will have forgotten all about this by tomorrow. If only I were so lucky.

Also in this episode, you can totally see why Zack digs Lisa because she alternates between lame sarcasm and general pissiness the entire time, I think Jessie was supposed to be drunk for a while, Kelly does that sit-com thing where her “clothes don’t fit” but she really just sticks her elbow in the sleeve to make it look like her clothes don’t fit, Zack wears these awesome Lisa-designed pants with suede faux-chaps and an even awesomer Navajo-esque jacket in the style that is favored by real-estate agents and car-dealership owners in Nevada or Colorado, Slater does this half-dancing/half-Heismann/all-awful runway walk, there is a patented SBtB “Almost Fight” where Screech rips Zack’s shirt and Zack is all “Mikey/Slater/Screech, I’m Not Going to Fight You”, and Screech and Lisa get to ACT and ACT and ACT!

Today’s Quote

Screech: Morris, you’ve got an appointment with fate, and fate’s got curly hair

Most Implausible Moment

Why do college admissions people on Saved by the Bell make 100% of their admissions decisions in the Max?

Also, while not NECESSARILY implausible, this entire episode gives me the heebie-jeebies.

What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch – Special Also What Is Wrong With Zack? Edition

Zack: “Hopefully, I’ll be in college, living in a sorority house.”

Slater: “Hey, good idea, preppie. I’ll live with you.”

Zack: “Our roommates will be Tonya, Lola, and Heather.”

Slater: “I can see it now – ‘Come hither, Heather.’”

Sigh. Guys, sometimes I am just so glad that these people aren’t really my friends.

Jessie And Her Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Jessie: “Lisa, a big fat pimple in the middle of your forehead on prom night just happens – kisses require planning.”

Um, that sure is a lot of detail for a whole lot of nonsense.

Future Oprah Bookclub Member Watch

Lisa: “You mean I got in? Oh girl, you are too much.”

Hahaha, I love it when they remember that Lisa is black, if only for a second.

Nerds And The Things They Like Watch

Unnamed Nerd: “Wake up and smell the Bosco, dollface.”

Wait, I thought nerds liked Ovaltine Saved by the Bell? I’m confused.

Project Runway Watch

Screech: “Model Zack Morris is wearing the perfect outfit … FOR STABBING YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE BACK!”

Mystery Weekend

Hey guys have you ever wondered what would happen if your local community theater group and the gang from Bayside got together for a special murder mystery dinner theater night over at the old Stage 'n' Steak? No? Well, in today's episode we find out anyway! And the answer: It will suck! You see, today Lisa wins an off-camera radio contest and the gang goes to the Jameson mansion for a murder mystery thingy and Steve checks the DVR time and realizes he has to watch another 18 minutes of this shit.

Also in today's episode, no Mr B which is a pretty dependable sign for episode lameness, the butler did it sort of, the butler acts like Igor and Columbo at different times, there is a naughty French maid with an inconsistent accent who is supposed to look hot but mostly looks sort of old, Jessie is racist against the French and/or the help, Screech does the worst Sherlock Holmes impression ever, there is some more of the increasingly obligatory cross-dressing, and lordy lord guys this episode was boring.

Today's Quote

Jeanette: Mr Jameson is so cheap he steals towels from his own hotel.

I know, I know. That's just stupid. They didn't give me much to work with here, dudes.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok, aside from the gang being convinced that Zack killed Lisa for $500 and an old lady's crappy necklace, why is Lisa's "mango-tonic with a twist of kiwi" pink? None of those things are pink Saved by the Bell.

PUNS! Watch

Stephen Jameson III: "Care to take another stab at it?" (right after the butler gets stabbed, hyuck hyuck barf)

-AND-

Jeanette the Maid: "I've brought Inspector Piccadilly from the yard."

Even the puns are lame.

Awkward Sexual Admission Watch

Victor the piano player (to Jessie): "For you my beauty, I'll play the Minute Waltz in thirty seconds."

...and give me another ten and I'll be done with everything else too! Heeey-OH!

Official Number of Times Screech Is Called A "Dork" In One Episode

3

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Kelly: "You know, smoking is pretty bad for your health."

Screech: "Yeah and our health too. Secondhand smoke is deadly."

Man, what a bunch of preachy-preaches these kids can be.

That's it for today. You guys owe me one.

Student-Teacher Week

So it's Student-Teacher week at Bayside (clever title there, Saved by the Bell) and Zack is principal so everything should be awesome right? Wrong, because watch out Kelly wants to be a teacher when she grows up and we all know that schools base their hiring decisions almost entirely on how well the potential employee did at their high school's student-teacher week. And what's that you say? It's also this week's big game against Valley and Slater and the boys don't wanna study cuz they've got to learn their new plays? I smell conflict! Ultimately, Slater learns the important lesson not to try to take advantage of your friend who might want to be a teacher when she grows up during student-teacher week or you'll put your other friend who got made principal in order to learn responsibility in an awkward position. And that's a lesson we should all keep in mind.

Also in today's episode, Ox!, Bull!, Pete the Nerd!, Lisa and Screech teach some nerds in gym class, Mr Belding acts irresponsibly, Zack is the first man ever to successfully use being a high school principal to get laid, Zack decorates his office with G'n'R, LL Cool J, Paula Abdul, and what appear to be two(!) TLC posters - the same ones your little sister used to decorate her room in middle school!, Screech does the worst Hans and Franz ever for the second time, and did I mention Ox?

Today's Quote

Screech: I'm Muscle Screech from Muscle Beach, but starting tomorrow you can call me teach.

I've said this before, but, seriously, stop and think about this for a moment - somebody wrote that.

Most Implausible Moment

Ox: "If we take that test, we'll flink!"

Slater: "That's flunk, Ox."

C'mon, Saved by the Bell. Even you are better than that.

Create Your Own Context Watch

Jessie: "Our apologies to Muffin Sangria, whose dummy Jo-Jo was eaten by termites."

What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater: "Our tackling dummy is broken so all cute blondes are welcome to come in and fill out."

I know where you're going with this one, AC, but, um, you're an idiot.

Bayside's Ambitious Lesson Plans Watch

Kelly: "Today we're going to talk about World War I and World War II."

I guess we gotta assume the Bayside history class only meets three times a semester, so they gotta make these classes count.

Misused Insult Alert

Screech (to Pete): "Is that a chest or did two Tic-Tacs fall down your shirt?"

Um, Screech, Pete's a dude. Dudes don't care about the size of their breasts.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "It would be a shame not to share my bodily secrets with the student body."

-AND-

Lisa: "Get 'em movin', Screech - I wanna see some hard bodies around here."

-AND-

Kelly: "...and I'm known as Miss Kapowski, the girl with no class."

Aw!

Love Machine

So in today's episode, Albert Clifford Slater's girlfriend from Germany, Jennifer, magically appears at Bayside in the middle of science class, and whut-oh looks like AC and Jen forgot to break up, and watch out because also it is the "Make Your Own Invention" Unit in Mr Tuttle's science class (what) and Screech and Kelly invented a "Love Machine" that tests compatibly (WHAT) and I wonder if this invention might become important later in the episode? If you will allow me to be so presumptuous as to answer my own question, the answer is yes. Yes it will.

As a side note, there was one of those Love Machine thingys in the mall when I was growing up, and, to answer yet another question, yes ladies, according to the machine, I was "Hot To Trot". Wiiii-ink.

Also in this episode, barely any Mr B though he does do the one thing where he says "My door is always open" and then when he goes to the door hahaha it is locked, Screech basically spends the episode screwing everybody over, Zack shines up the old "Walk-this-way" chestnut by "walking-this-way" like Mr Tuttle, Jessie is racist against Slater, Jessie is racist against ex-girlfriends from Germany, Jessie is seriously insane, we learn that the name of the movie theater in Berlin is the Berlinaplex which I am pretty sure is a lie, and, finally, there is some cross-dressing! which brings Zack back to his bad accent tour of the world, this time doing the worst old lady impression ever!

Today's Quote

Kelly: Jessie slammed her gavel on Ronald Geekman's hand so hard that his retainer flew out and hit Mr Belding in the eye.

If somebody ever asked me to reduce the whole Saved by the Bell experience into one sentence, that one would pretty much be it.

Most Implausible Moment

Jennifer: "When Albert left, we made one of those promises that we wouldn't go out with anyone else ever."

Oh, one of those promises. Wait a second. What?

Also, Slater and Jen really break up because they can't agree between Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner? Really?

Saved by the Bell Tells Jokes My High School Geometry Teacher Used To Make Watch

Zack: "We're the perfect team - she works hard, I hardly work!"

Seriously, the guy made the "working hard/hardly working" joke like every class. You don't want to be like this guy, Saved by the Bell!

SLATERism Watch

Screech: "Always the guinea pig, never the guinea."

Hahahahuh???

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Zack: "I'm sorry Mr Tuttle, science just doesn't turn me on."

Mr Tuttle: "Oh hooey! Science is the ultimate turn on."

-AND-

Zack: "She's your sweet loving mama."

Slater: "Yeah, she is my mama, isn't she?"

Guys, both those lines made me more than a little bit uncomfortable. I think I'm going to go have a shower.

Rockumentary

Oh man, guys - I've been holding out all week for this one. It is, of course, the absolutely mind-blowing Behind The Music-esque "Zack Attack" story, narrated by one CASEY KASEM! Fans will remember that this is Casey's second visit to Bayside, which I guess that isn't really surprising because I mean what else did Casey Kasem have to do in the 90's. This episode has so much singin' and dancin' and pop clichés and ridiculous clothes and singin' and dancin' and Friends Forever and Did We Ever Have A Chance? and dudes it is just the greatest. The only things missing from this episode were Mr B (who I missed) and Jessie (who I didn't). Seriously though, you'd have to be pretty glutton for punishment to pledge eternal friendship to Jessica Myrtle Spannow.

Also in this episode, Zack doesn't really sing and but the dude who does sounds a little like Don Henley, Slater doesn't really sing and but the dude who does sounds a little like Michael McDonald, Lisa doesn't really sing and but the lady who does sounds a little less like Don Henley, and Kelly doesn't really sing and but the lady who does sounds exactly like a cat trying to claw its way out of a burlap sack in the bottom of a river. Additionally, publicist Mindy Wallatzer is like Yoko but without the Asian, Zack dresses like Vanilla Ice, Slater dresses like Evel Knievel, Lisa becomes an American Gladiator, Kelly dresses like a nun, what appear to be transvestite Madonna and Michael Jackson impersonators give out awards, Bar Mitzvahs! are mentioned, and Slater just drums and dances and sings and dances and drums and smiles and sings and dances and smiles and smiles!

WHEW

Today's Quote

Kelly: Are you really interested in us?

Brian Fate: Does Bart Simpson have animated zits?

Um, no?

Most Implausible Moment

Hahahahaha.

Ha ha ha.

PUNS! Watch

Casey Kasem: "Little did they know, fate was at their door..."

Brian Fate: "Hello, I'm Brian Fate!"

-AND-

Lisa: "If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda."

I know, I know, that's not a pun. But it is GLORIOUS.

Daddy, Did People Actually Talk Like That? Watch

Brian Fate: People, people, this studio costs mucho dinero ... MONEY.

Made Up Magazines Watch

The following made-up magazines make an appearance today:

1. Billbox

2. The National Inquisitor

3. Sins

4. The Hollywood Reporter

Hahaha, ZING on you, Hollywood Reporter!

Also, the fake Billbox actually has the headline visibly glued onto it. Um, if you're going to go to the trouble of printing up a fake Billbox, why, uh, why wouldn't you just print the fake headline ONTO THE ACTUAL MAGAZINE SAVED BY THE BELL?

Couplets! Watch

Slater, Kelly, and Screech: "School is a bore, when you're stuck indoors

Make it fun, put it out in the sun!

Hit the beach, teach

Let us learn while we buuuuuurn!"

Poingancy! Watch

Casey Kasem: This garage, which gave birth to so many hopes and dreams, is empty now...

Haha, so is my brain, Casey! Now!

Have a good weekend everybody!

The Teacher's Strike

Uh-oh, is it time for teacher contract negotiation AND the annual Bayside-Valley Academic Bowl again? What do these two things have to do with each other? Pretty much nothing! So basically this episode is split in half - the first part dealing with a labor dispute between Mr B and Mr Tuttle where Zack and Slatzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and the other part where there are Valley nerds. Valley. Nerds.

Also in this episode, Zack and Slater are wearing women's ski outfits but don't seem to know it, beaucoup de Tuttle, Lisa is on the Academic Bowl team for some reason despite her SAT score, and um did I mention the VALLEY FREAKIN' NERDS??? Also, for some reason, Kelly is not in this episode, and the audience is left to speculate why. Well, I mean, if they cared, which they don't so on with the show!

Today's Quote

Screech: All right, astrophysics. First, think of Astro, the Jetson's dog. Jetson's means "jet propulsion", with properties A, B, C ... C ... see ya real soon!

Jessie: Oh no, he died!

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Screech: Can you remember the word "mvemjsnup"? ... It's the name of the planets according to their distance from the sun - "M" for Mercury, "V" for Venus, "E" ... e? ... ee-i-ee-i-oh!

Zack: Screech! What's the rest of it?

Screech: Old McDonald had a farm!

Hahaha, I love how Zack can't figure the rest out for himself. Good God, this show is stupid.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok so Zack and Slater spend the whole first half of this episode scamming to get the teachers to strike, and they do, but then Mr B tells them that the Academic Bowl will be cancelled, Lisa and Jessie pout for like a second, and then, poof, next scene, Zack and Slater end the strike. I mean, seriously, it's like they weren't even trying with this one. Maybe that's why Kelly walked out? I wanted to.

Also, why does Bayside have its teacher contract negotiations in the middle of the school year? That, uh, that seems dumb.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Slater: "He just got the sniffles from skiing in his underwear."

Jessie: "Why were you skiing in your underwear?"

Screech: "Because I forgot my pajamas."

Lisa: "You go skiing in your pajamas?!"

Screech: "Now why would I do that? Then I'd have nothing to sleep in at night!"

Hahahahaha! Third base!

Come And Knock On Our Door Watch

Slater: "No doofus, we're going skiing at Big Bear Mountain. It's winter break and the slopes'll be packed with ski bunnies."

But then how will you convince Mr Furley that Jack is still gay after he sees you two with Gretchen and Inga at the ski lodge, Larry??

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Screech: "What's the zip code of Northern Zimbabwe?

Lisa: "90210?"

Screech: "Errrrnnn - wrong answers. That would be Zimbabwe Hills."

You know, I think I hate that joke...

Mervin (Valley nerd!): "Save your breath, Earl - you're dealing with people who think 'quantum physics' is a TV show."

...but I'm certain I love that one.

Zack: "I believe it's Michael 'Air' Jordan."

Wow, Zack really does know a lot about basketball - he's heard of Michael Jordan!!!

The Nerd-Sports-Switcheroo Compendium

1. Kareem Abdul Montana

2. Air McMahon

3. OJ Chamberlain

Guys, give me a second, I think a pattern might be forming...

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr Tuttle: "Girls, are you ready to bone up for the bowl?"

S.A.T.s.

So in today's episode, we learn the hierarchy of intelligence of our friends at Bayside. Slater, of course, is the dumbest, and Zack scored the impossible score of 1502 (not impossible because it's so high - impossible because it is not mathematically possible to score a 1502 on the SAT SAVED BY THE BELL). Also whut-oh and watch out because Jessie also got an impossible score but her's is impossibly lower than Zack's and Jessie reacts the only way she knows how - by going batshit insane. What does all this mean? Why, of course, scamming and subterfuge! Also, for some reason, at Bayside the principal walks around the gym announcing everybody's SAT score out loud to college representatives which seems a bit odd but whatever, Saved by the Bell knows what's up.

Also in this episode, James the Thespian! returns to his narratively conveniant job at the Max, the future Mrs Ben Stiller (fresh off the set of Hey Dude!) jumpstarts her career in a virtuoso turn as Heather the girl who dates Bob (who are these people?), Stansbury is racist against Jessie, Jessie is racist against cheerleaders, Jessie is racist against football players, Jessie is racist against hypocrites, Jessie is racist against Zack, and how come Screech didn't do better on the SATs? I mean, for chrissake, the dude built a talking robot! Remember??

Today's Quote

James: Madam, north, south, east, or west, there's only one HAAAAAAR-vard

So how come they can use the name Harvard but not Stanford? Also, MORE JAMES PLZ SAVED BY THE BELL. THX. SRSLY.

Most Implausible Moment

Lisa: "I thought you got a part in a play."

James: "I did. We performed Cats in dog suits, but I quit when they started throwing bones at us."

Wait. What?

The Official Bayside Intelligence Hierarchy

1. Zack (1502)

2. Screech (1220)

3. Jessie (1205)

4. Lisa (1140)

5. Kelly (1100)

6. Slater (1050)

I advise that you print that out and keep it in your wallet. I can't see how it won't come in handy at some point.

PUNS! Watch

Jessie: "I'm a lean, mean, answering machine."

You know, I didn't think I'd ever say this, but that pun pretty much blows.

Hoop Dreams Watch

Slater: "Boy, it's a good thing I didn't tell her [Stansbury] offered me a car."

Um, maybe you shouldn't tell anybody about that Slater.

Names James Calls The Stansbury Representative Omnibus

1. Mrs Potbellyham

2. Mrs Billygoatcheesehamsandwiches

I guess James really likes ham, dudes.

The Lisa Card

Whew. For the first ten minutes or so of this episode, I was a little worried because it was all "Lisa spent too much money on her dad's credit card" and "wah wah wah" and "this is just like a normal bad sitcom" and "where is the weird Saved by the Bell?" There was even a totally wasted dream sequence where Lisa's dad was the devil and Screech was the Grim Reaper and Lisa dressed like a punk and I know I know that sounds crazy, but it wasn't. Trust me.

But then, whoa boy, we come back from commercial and get this totally insane Miss Wentworth class about animals doing it (you'll remember her as the teacher who lied about subliminal advertising and who really should be fired dudes), Slater talking to Mr Belding about wanting to be a transvestite, Mr Belding talking about going to prom with his sister, Mr Belding talking about making it with a Vietnamese girl when he fighting was in 'Nam (WHAT), Lisa as a waitress and they play the tape real fast because Slater used to be a busboy in Bolivia (HUH?), and this really long bit where Lisa has a thought bubble over head and it basically replays the entire episode for some reason. Guys, Saved by the Bell is really a pretty weird show.

Also in this episode, Mr B does the worst Elvis impression ever, the twins buy cowboy boots, and nerds reiterate their fondness for retainers and Ovaltine.

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: After the war, I was dateless again. That Viet Cong girl dumped me.

Not really a joke, but this whole bit just blew my friggin' mind ok?

Most Implausible Moment

Jessie: "Thirty-seven dollars in tips in three hours? I can't believe it!"

Um, I can.

Miss Wentworth Should Seriously Be Fired Watch

Kelly: "You mean reproduction in the animal kingdom?"

Miss Wentworth: "I prefer to call it 'monkey business in the jungle.'"

Slater: "Yeah, how come birds aren't attracted to horses?"

Miss Wentworth: "Oh, but they are. Unfortunately, there just isn't room in the nest."

Miss Wentworth: "Today's topic: The Pond - Nature's Hot Tub."

Add to that getting the class to do impressions of frogs, insects, and birds in heat, and you've got a teacher who is seriously unstable. And, I ask this again, what the hell class does this lady teach??

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

It was an innuendo bonanza today, even taking out Miss Wentworth's class.

Screech (discussing a piece of Lisa's lingerie he just bought(!)): It will lie next to me in my bed.

Lisa: I thought you slept with your dog?

Screech: He won't mind!

-AND-

Mr Belding: "I'll never forget her first words to me - don't swallow your tongue!"

-AND-

Customer: "This isn't what I ordered - you were supposed to toast my buns!"

-AND-

Lisa: "Daddy, I was kissed by nerds!"

-AND-

Lisa: "Daddy, punish me!"

The Election

Hahaha, ok, so this episode has been sitting on my DVR since the last time I did this which is well over a year ago and that is a long time to have a fairly stupid episode of Saved by the Bell taking up precious space on a DVR so what I'm saying is this is the sort of dedication you won't find on other Saved by the Bell blogs ok?

In today's episode, there is an election and Bayside has a two party system, emphasis on the par-tay (if you're reading this Carlos Mencia, you can have that one - I don't mind, I've got a million of 'em). Zack runs against Jessie because there is trip to Washington DC that is funded by Student Government Foundation (what?) and the winner of the election gets to go to DC with Mr Belding and Mr Dewey (awesome) and for some reason the show seems to think that Washington DC is like Las Vegas crossed with Amsterdam crossed with Bangkok. With more hookers. WASHINGTON DC IS NOT THAT COOL SAVED BY THE BELL. Also in this episode, professionally-printed signs that no kid could have, a slick campaign video that no kid could have, Jessie is racist against food additives and women, Max wears a totally amazing "SPANO IS MY MAN-O" apron that I want as a t-shirt, and we find out Jessie's middle name is Myrtle which is embarrassing dudes.

Today's Quote

Mr Dewey: You make fun of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody is laughing at.

Good gracious do I love the Dewman.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok so Zack announces he's running in math class (why does the math teacher run student government at Bayside any way?) and then that very afternoon the Max is covered in professionally printed "Vote for Zack" signs and he's got a speech ready and everything. So either every kid happens to be on the exact same wash cycle as every other kid in Bayside, causing them to always wear the same clothes on the same day and this is like two weeks later or Saved by the Bell is retarded. I'm going with the latter.

PUNS! Watch

Jessie: "But I'm warning you, Zack, I'm going to kick your butt."

Mr Dewey: "Mr Morris, care to rebut?"

Hahaha. If I ever met Mr Dewey, I would shower him in high fives.

Screech: "...and now you're losing your jock support!"

ALF/Gorbachev/Jason Bateman Watch

I've expanded the title of this section because it is ridiculous how often they mention Jason Bateman on this show. I wonder which 55-year-old writer thought The Bateman was such hot shit with the tweens in the early 90's?

Gorbachev (in Zack's campaign video): "Zack Morris can bring peace."

This was followed with a ridiculous bit where Fidel Castro goes "Only Zack can shave me correctly" which if Castro ever saw he would probably wish the CIA had assassinated him in the 60's. Hahaha, ZING on Castro.

Mr Belding: "For student body president, these people got the following write-in votes: Jason Bateman - 9; ALF - 7; Gilligan - 6; [singing] and the Skipper two."

This could also be filed under PUNS! and might also have been the Quote of the Day if it wasn't for the tsunami of awesome that is the Dewman.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "Me? Run? That's like asking Rosanne Barr to skip a meal."

-AND-

Screech's Washington Brochure: "Washington After Dark - sipping ales with the Quayles."

Saved by the Bell Hates Cleveland Watch

Kelly: "You'll go down in history with George McGovern, Walter Mondale, and the Cleveland Indians."

Man, why you always gotta be pickin' on C-town, Saved by the Bell?

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr Belding: "I'll never forget the last time Mrs. B and I went to Washington - we were arrested for skinny dipping in the Potomac."

Seriously? Because that's gross, dude.

-AND-

Mr Belding: "Slater, sweet innocent man child, Zack Morris is like a vacuum cleaner - he'll suck you in if he can."

Haha, Saved by the Bell you are like a vacuum cleaner in that you keep sucking too!

Ok, see you tomorrow guys and girls!

New SBtB QotD's Coming This Summer

Hey everybody, thanks for your emails and interest and etc in this stupid thing that I did. Since Adult Swim started airing Saved by the Bells last week, there's been a spike in interest in all things Bayside, so I figured now would be a good time to let you all know that I'm planning to do a whole bunch of new Quotes of the Day in July (with maybe an extra special Charles in Charge week, if Channel 9 keeps running it at 11 every morning).

I'm storing up SBtB's in the ol' DVR as we speak, and I've got some real doozys. So I'll see you this summer, and if'n you want to keep up with the keepin' up with Steve right now, check out my weekly cartoony strip Poppycock Theater.
Mark your calendars - Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day returns Monday, July 10th 2006.

Aloha Slater

So this is the last entry for this run of the Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day. I'd like to say thanks to all of you new readers who emailed me, posted comments, blogged about the site, etc. - I still can't believe that so many people like to read about somebody else watching TV.

This blog will update sporadically (basically, whenever I have lunch at home), so sign up to your right to receive an email next time I do a Quote of the Day. NotifyList is acting a little wonky, so if it doesn't work now, try back in a little bit.

And now, without further folderol or adieu, here is the last SBtB of the spring: "Let's Pretend Slater's Dying So He Goes to Hawaii". In today's episode, Zack is mad because chicks dig jocks, so he makes up a disease ("Mumbioquadralationosis" for those keeping score)! What? Now Kelly is going to Hawaii too? Must be time for hi jinks and a lesson perhaps!

Also today, almost too much! Slater wrestles Mr B, Screech does the whole hiding-in-file-cabinet-handing-file-to-authority-figure schtick that Scooby-Doo used to get so much mileage from, Zack has a ridiculously low-budget light-bulb "I-have-an-idea" effect, an amazing scene where Mr Belding seems incredible callous and cruel and Jessie's all "How could you?", an amazing scene where Slater's dad acts like a maniac and breaks his desk with his fist, an amazing scene where there is a goodbye hula dance for Slater and Screech cross-dresses and becomes the Pineapple Princess for no apparent reason, and (inexplicably due to ants and pepper) Slater dances and sneezes and dances and dances and sneezes and dances! Phew!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: ...[Slater]'s very popular with the girls. In fact, he gets almost as many whistles around the pool as I do.

What's Mr Belding doing walking around the pool?

Saved By The Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Unnamed Teacher: This is Study Hall, NOT SOUL TRAIN!

Most Implausible Moment

Um, who did they think they were kidding when they moved some lockers and inserted the trophy case to try and make it look like there's a second hallway at Bayside? Because they are not fooling anybody.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Major Slater:"How do you find Mr Belding?"

Zack: "Confused, but well-meaning."

Major Slater:"I mean his office. Where is it?"

Screech: "He's with the school nurse."

Major Slater: "And where is the school nurse?

Screech: "She's with Mr. Belding."

Major Slater: "I know that. Where's her office?

(Screech and Zack point in opposite directions)

Hahahahaha! Third base!

ALF/Gorbachev Watch

It's back!

Screech: "Third place, wow! I once finished fifth in an ALF look-alike contest!"

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "Everyone hopes for that one shining moment: Joe Montana in the Super Bowl, Kirk Gibson in the World Series, Flo Jo in the Olympics..."

Hahaha! You forgot Bo Jackson, Zack!

How'd This Get Past Satndards? Watch

Kelly: "Will you teach me how to wrestle?"

-AND-

Slater: "You only get one chance with the Major."

OK, that's the end of this chapter! Stay awesome everybody!

Screech's Woman

So today, Zack dresses like a girl! Hahahahaha!

Also in this episode, Lisa mostly makes out with some dude (who is black because let's not court controversy here people), there's one of those great cue-strings-lovers-crossing-room-arms-outstretched-slo-mo parody bits that are really fresh and new, Jessie is racist against Screech, Screech does the old Binaca-spritz before using the phone gag (he didn't do the miss-his-mouth-and-spray-his-eye bit though - that's a missed opportunity Screecher!), and Zack continues his worst accent ever trip around the globe - this time crossing genders to do the worst "Southern Belle" accent ever!

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: Young lady, the Men's Room is one of the few doors that education should NOT open for you!

Most Implausible Moment

Jessie (commenting on her volcano science project): "We are not only going to get an A on this project, but we're also going to get the science medal."

Ah yes, the highly-coveted "Best Proof That Vinegar and Baking Soda Make Foam" Medal that all the scientists get so excited about.

What is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater's proposed name for the volcano: Slater's Crater

-AND-

Slater: "Hey, this phone is occupado, paisan."

Hahaha! There is seriously something wrong with Slater!

PUNS! Watch

Mr Belding: "They usually wear a locket, not a locker."

I actually don't think that's a pun, but who cares? I'm in charge here.

The Things Screech Compares Himself To Compendium

Today's entries:

1. Snake spit.

2. Hummingbird droppings.

3. A young buck.

4. Billy Idol.

5. A worm.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "I learned that trick from the Chinese Acrobats!"

The Gift

First of all, to those of you came here by way of either Qwantz.com or Flak Magazine, welcome! If you read either one, then it can be safely assumed that you are a person of the finest taste and comportment. And, to those of you who came here via Google, that slash-fiction where Slater and Zack meet Bo and Luke Duke is somewhere else I think. Sorry to disappoint you!

So, in today's episode, Screech develops the ability to tell the future because he got struck by lightening, following the explicit rules set out in The Cliched Sitcom Handbook ("Chapter 12: Amnesia, Clairvoyance and Alter-Egos: So Your Character Has Been Struck on the Head/By Lightening/By a Car"). So, um, clearly, scamming.

Also in this episode, the first appearance by Mr. George "Terrible" Testeverde (who you might also know as "the guy in the Micromachines commercials who talked really fast" or "the guy in Transformers: The Movie that talked really fast" - and, no, not Orson Welles people!), Zack does the worst Elvis impersonation in the world for absolutely no reason, Screech in an afro wig!!, this awesome scene where Mr Testeverde talks really fast and Jessie makes smoke on her paper trying to take notes. Outrageous!

Today's Quote

Screech: "Now I see the Committees of Correspondence and the Battle of Trenton. No wait! It's the Battle of the Network Stars! I see Patrick Henry ... no, it's Patrick Swayze ... dirty dancing across the Delaware with ... Martha Washington? I see Paul Revere on a bus. Zack! Did you know Lincoln freed the Japanese?!

That's the second Dirty Dancing reference in a week. Say what you want, Saved by the Bell does NOT put baby in the corner.

Most Implausible Moment

Let's assume that the lightening bolt was able to generate the necessary 1.21 gigawatts we all know is necessary for time travel, and examine the following:

Mr Belding: "Um, Screech, I'm just curious - my mother-in-law is staying with us indefinitely. By any chance, can you tell me-"

Screech: "She'll be gone by Tuesday."

Mr Belding: "All right!"

(cue uproarious laughter and applause from "audience")

Are we really supposed to believe that this standard-issue Mother-In-Law joke brought the house down? Bad form, Saved by the Bell laughing track. Bad form, indeed.

PUNS! Watch

Jessie: "I've had straight A's since Sesame Street!"

Zack: "You mean you were a Big Bird brain?"

-AND-

Slater: "I really could use you ham radio. There's that gymnast I left back in Germany - she really flipped over me."

Fun With Alliteration Watch

Zack: "The three worst things that can happen to a kid are measles, mumps, and midterms."

What about foot fungus, flatulence, and finals, Zack?

Grody to the Max! Watch

Lisa: "You know, I have so much food in me, you could put a quarter in my mouth and a bag of Doritos would come popping out."

Popping out of where?

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Slater: "I gotta come home and start making a slave list."

Zack: "You wish, Slater."

Slater: "Hey, startin' tomorrow, it's gonna be Master Slater."

Say, maybe you slash-fictioners aren't so far off after all...

Fatal Distraction

Before we start I'd like to point out that the title of this episode is both PUNS! and a Slaterism. It's two-for-Tuesday I guess!

So today, Zack is on the dodge because girls just can't stop asking him to the dance but he wants Kelly to ask him to the dance so Zack must do a terrible Middle Eastern accent because Zack has to do every accent at some point in the series so why not start here? Also, why doesn't he go ahead and bug Jessie's bedroom for the big slumber party? And why doesn't Kelly pretend to be a crazy maniac lady? There's no reason not to, because this is TeeVee!

Also today, Rhonda Robistelli, the jocky girl who digs on Zack hardcore and who I totally forgot existed, makes her premiere, there's another dream sequence where girls like boys too much, Screech does the world's worst Michael Jackson impersonation for no reason at all but at least he dresses like Michael Jackson which is great and then uh-oh he gets busted by Mr. Belding because the school has a dress code (what?). Hey, isn't Michael Jackson in the news these days?

Today's Quote

Lisa (in dream sequence): Screech is everything a girl could want. He's strong; sensitive; funny, but not silly; and he makes me tingle all over.

Screech (waking up from dream): Zack! I make her tinkle!

A character misunderstanding his own dream sequence is bronze, silver and gold, people.

Most Implausible Moment

Now that we're at the beginning of the series, here's one to ponder: Why is Zack always talking to the camera? Who is he talking to? The more you think about it, the more problematic it becomes (like Zeno's paradox or R2-D2's rocket boots in the last Star Wars movie).

The Rhonda Robistelli Compendium, Chapter 1

Rhonda: "Hey Zackee! Hey, what's da rush, button-nose?"

Rhonda: "Hey Zackee, we gotta talk, hunk o' mine. (To the gang) That boy has got one cute behind, oo!

Rhonda: "Sure, take five. I'll go wash my face and floss (wink) for later."

Rhonda: "Mom's visiting dad in the slammer, and we got the house all to ourselves."

Zack: "I don't kiss on the first date."

Rhonda: "Whoo-hoo, good thing for us - I DO."

Bullies Watch

Two for the books today:

Terrible Tommy Tanner

Norman No-Neck Nunzio

Wait a second, isn't Nedick "No-Neck" too? What's with the necks, Bayside?

History's Fool Watch

Lisa: "...if he had the qualities of, say, Michael Jackson. Gentle, talented, gorgeous, and light on his feet."

You, um, you left out a few qualities there, Lisa.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "How'd the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition get in here?"

Zack: "I have needs, too."

Hahaha! Tell it, brother!