Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day

Wrestling with the Future

2008-12-30T14:47:00.003-05:00

In today's episode, Slater is wrestling with his future, but he is also wrestling like in the sport. Note the parallel.

Seems the Major had always dreamed that A.C. would go to West Point one day because that is their thing, but Slater would prefer to go to Iowa on a wrestling scholarship and blah blah blech. Also in today's episode, subterfuge involving Zack dressing like Rambo and describing an invasion of Canada (well imagine that, SbtB!), yet another college admissions officer visits the Max to make and disclose a major admissions decision, Saved by the Bell shines up two chestnuts with the "oops we're handcuffed together and I keep hitting my head with my hand so YOU keep hitting YOUR head with YOUR hand" and the "'I'm glad we had this talk' even though you did all the talking" bits. Bravo to that. Also, Mr. B and a congressman waste the taxpayer's valuable resources to teach a lesson to two kids, Jessie is racist against McDonalds employees, and Slater's dad pretty much sucks all around if you ask me.

Today's Quote

Major Slater: My CO went AWOL with a GI from the PX. I gotta go ASAP. See you A.C.

Haha, those are all letters that stand for things, right?

Most Implausible Moment

You'd think a congressman would have his own office and wouldn't need to borrow a high school principal's office to conduct interviews. You'd think that because that is how things work in reality.

SbtB QotD's Guide to Where the Gang Went to College

Zack - Yale
Jessie - Columbia
Lisa - FIT
Slater - Iowa
Kelly - Community College and a job
Screech - either Emerson, USC, Clemson, Princeton, Duke, Cal. Tech, The Barbazon School for Modeling, or Hamburger University (though probably not Barbazon b/c he thought it was for building little plastic airplanes haha get it??)

Print that out and put it in your wallet too, OK?

Hey Abbott! Watch

Zack: "Slater, c'mon, tell him . . . Iowa?
Major Slater: "Iowa?"
Slater: "Yeah, uh, I owe-a Zack ten bucks."

Hahaha, third base! Tell the one about Miss Issippi's new jersey next!

Remember the 90s?! Watch

Congressman Shepherd: "Major Martin Slater -- your father?"
Zack (as Slater): "Oh, yeah yeah yeah -- I just call him Major Dad."

SLATERism Watch

Today's Slaterism comes from Jessie.

Screech: "Looking good in that skirt, mama."
Jessie: "Why don't you go buy [note -- maybe 'bite'?] a stray dog?"

Wait. What?

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Mr Belding: "Sometimes the truth hurts, but, in the long run, lies hurt more."

Ok, Mr. B, I'll be honest -- Saved by the Bell blows.

You're right. That felt good.

A Home for Christmas

2008-12-29T11:38:00.003-05:00

Ho ho ho, and happy happy. Like a BB gun hidden behind the radiator, here's a late Christmas present from me to you guys -- some new SbtB QotD's! I'm just puttering around the old Stevestead for the next couple of weeks, so I should have some time to watch television. Especially at lunch. So here goes.

In today's episode, the gang all get narratively convenient jobs at the mall for the holidays. The downside? No Mr. B. The upside? Nothing! Anyway, seems the mall kindly opens their bathroom to allow homeless men to perform their morning toilette, and this leads to lessons. Remember kids, not all homeless people are schizo's with drug problems, so trust everyone!

Also in this episode, Slater proves incompetent at manual labor leaving the question as to what exactly he'll do with his life, Jessie is racist against children, Squeeze 'n Squirt lives up to her name, Screech has this mistletoe beenie which is just the tops, Slater dresses in this sleeveless elf costume that has to be seen to believed and then should probably be promptly unseen if you want to go back to ever feeling comfortable again ever, and Slater ties himself to a box which isn't possible but whatever I guess. Also, Lisa triumphantly returns to her candy striping post to give presents to children but mostly to reveal OMG the girl Zack is totally crushing on is totally homeless, so but for the grace of God, maybe they're just like us, etc etc. I think I heard this speech on the subway once.

Today's Quote

Kelly: He's homeless? That poor man . . .
Screech: Of course he's poor - that's why he's homeless!

Haha, so guess what? That one actually made me laugh. A Christmas miracle!

Most Implausible Moment

So, the gang somehow makes it magically snow inside the children's ward at the hospital, which first isn't really possible unless your children's ward is also a television studio and second can't be the best idea for a sterilized environment.

Hey kids, nevermind your already dangerlously compromised health - look, it's fake snow! Impossibly falling from the non-ceiling!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

Slater: "Screech, call 911!"
Screech: "Great. What's the number?"

Uh, I hope you saved the gift receipt, Saved by the Bell, because, well, you've given us that joke four times now.

Remember the 90'?! Watch

Screech: "Gift wrap? Isn't that an M.C. Hammer song?"

This could also be filed under Puns, except Puns is better than that.

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Zack: "You see, I really don't know much about the homeless people."

Yes, please tell me more about the homeless people, SbtB - their customs, their language. Do they celebrate Christmas too? I mean, do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Obscure Literary Reference Alert

Laura the Homelessess: "A Christmas Carol? I love that story!"

Really? I'm not familiar with that one. What's it about?

How'd That Get Past Standards? Watch

Slater: "Don't worry about that, Mrs. M. - I'm good at everything I do."

Screech: "It's not what you think! I'm potty trained - she isn't!"
Ew.

Jessie: "It's ok, as long as you don't kick me or bite me."
It's good to have standards, Jessie.

These Boots Are Made for Walking Watch

Zack: "I made gingerbread women."
Slater: "Gingerbread chicks. I like it."
Jessie: "For you, they should've made gingerbread pigs."

I'd like to think that that isn't so much a "joke," as a poignant, cynical reminder of how, year after year, we find ourselves unavoidably trapped in the same perfunctory roles over the holidays, mindlessly repeating the same worn out phrases, greetings, and wishes, all of which have long lost any meaning to us or the people we say them to. Like players in an endless Christmas pagent, we enter the stage, mumbling our lines to uncaring audience, who dutifully preserve it all on video cassettes no one will ever watch.

Or it's another dumb joke about how Slater is sexist and Jessie thinks that's bad.

Happy holidays everybody!

My Other Blog Is A Reindeer

2008-11-29T15:53:00.003-05:00

Hey everybody,

I'm going to be doing a very special holiday music blog, 25 Songs of Christmas, which can be found here:
http://25songsofxmas.blogspot.com/

Come and learn the true meaning of Christmas every day from now until the 25th!

Thanks,
Steve

The Plan

2008-08-21T11:31:00.001-04:00

Thanks for checking in everybody! My schedule is such that there will be no new QotD's this week, but hopefully I'll be able to do one or two more next week.

Keep on keeping on.

Earthquake

2008-08-20T11:10:00.002-04:00

Bravely dusting off the most hoary of sitcom chestnuts, today Saved by the Bell invents a pregnant lady only to dangerously trap her in an enclosed space for the birth of her child. Will Tori be able to overcome her fear of earthquakes to use her narratively-convenient Lamaze skills (which apparently surpass actual medical knowledge as the most important element of safe childbirth -- it's that easy, ladies!) to save Mrs. B and baby Belding in the nick of time? Yes.

Also in this episode, Tori discovers that earthquakes are a thing, Lisa dresses like a neon cowgirl, Harry the Hippo! ("Hello, Mr. Bellllding!"), Mrs. B.'s only SbtB appearance ever is pretty much squandered, German physics teacher Herr Heimlich makes with the "ze's" und "ya's," and Slater does this amazing kung fu kick on Mr. B's flimsy sitcom door and Steve just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Hi-ya, AC. Hi-ya, indeed.

Today's Quote

Lisa: Maybe you're pregnant, Screech.
Screech: Oh Lisa, don't be ridiculous -- I'm not even married!

Don't forget to vote Republican this November, everybody!

Most Implausible Moment

Oh good golly, are you kidding?

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Belding: "Hah, I can outmaneuver Heimlich."

SbtB sets 'em up; Mr. B knocks 'em down.

Pickles and Ice Cream Omnibus

Crazy Things Mrs B Craves:
1. French Fries with Hot Fudge
2. Ginger Ale with a Scoop of Peanut Butter (the Screecher's favorite combo, by the by)

Those things are just crazy things!

Lake Kookamonga Funny Word Alert

Mrs. Belding: "I guess those french fries just got to me."
Screech: "Yeah, you know, I have the same problem whenever I eat garbonzo beans!"

And I get it when I eat kumquats!

What's the Number for 911? Watch

It's a least thrice to the well for SbtB on this one:

Mr. Belding: "Pete Pete, find the nearest telephone that's working and call 911 for help. Let them know that we have people stuck in an elevator and that one of them is having a baby."
Pete: "Right . . . What was that number again?"

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Girl, give those lips a rest!"

Oh my. I - I'm blushing.

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Tori: "When's it going to stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

The one and only time in SbtB history that I found myself and Tori in complete agreement.

Drunk Driving

2008-08-19T11:17:00.006-04:00

To inaugurate the new site, I'm going to do a few Quotes of the Day. No promises as to how many I'll do, because I gave up promising for Lent.

OK, so, let's see if I can shake off the rust and relive my glory days one more time. In today's episode, Saved by the Bell does one of my favorite things in the whole wide world: it gets preachy! You see, it's one of Bayside's 4 blazillion annual homecoming games, and Ox has a party at his house (except sometimes he forgets it's his house because Ox is dumb), and look out because these is a wash tub full of generic sitcom brand beer (because Ox also forgets he has a refrigerator? Unexplained.), and oh well we're seniors and a one drink won't hurt, and uh-oh Wild Thing is one the radio in Lisa's Mom's Mercedes, and Wild Thing plus beer just makes the teens go bonkers, and also Zack is driving, and Zack turns around to tell Slater a story or something because apparently that is what you do when you are drunk driving? and then POW telephone pole city, yo. Then, of course, lies and subterfuge and blah blah get to the preaching already, Saved by the Bell!

Also in this episode: Slater dances and prances and struts and prances in his toga togs, Zack's bearded father looks like he's been on a bender himself (slow down there, Derrick!), not nearly enough Mr. Belding (although we do learn that he can instantly identify a car's water pipe on sight, which is certainly something in my estimation), GUILT TRIPS ahoy, and the school auditorium must be having repairs done because why is Mr. Belding leading a pep rally at the Max, Saved by the Bell? Oh, and Tori sucks.

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: "It's not every day that a truck load of bananas spills all over the freeway. I'm just glad your mother is all right. Terrible thing about the monkeys, though."

Well, just imagine that! You are simply the limit, Saved by the Bell.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok, this one's kind of subtle, but Mr. B is at the Max and he's all "I've got some bad news gang but Slater and his shoulder are having a lovers' quarrel and so no QB Slater at the big game," and then cut to Ox and the team who are all WHAAA??? and looking at Slater incredulously and with such great surprise. Here's the thing: SLATER HAS BEEN SITTING RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM WITH A SLING ON HIS SHOULDER THE WHOLE TIME.

It's a real implausibility connoisseur's moment.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Lisa: "You can't!"
Zack: "Her garage is full of boxes..."
Slater: "...tools..."
Screech: "...homeless people!"
Zack: "That's boxes of tools for homeless people."

Hahaha, third base!

Teen in Trouble Watch

Screech: "Tori, are you going to have [a beer]?"
Tori: "No, I don't drink, are you?"
Screech: "Are you kidding? I get a buzz from cough syrup."

Get 'em where you can, Screecher. Get 'em where you can.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "Please, you can't even walk without bumpin' into somethin'."

-AND-

Screech: "Hey Lisa, you know my dog likes to do this?"

My So-Called Life Teen Angst Alert

Zack: "I can't do this anymore. It's all a lie."

I think I know how you feel, Zack.

Small Efforts

2008-07-25T12:58:00.000-04:00

OK -- so, after months of dormancy, I'm going to repost all my SbtB QotD up here, as I have time to do so. I'm going to back-date them too, if possible. Let's see if this motorbike hums...

Muscle Screech From Muscle Beach

2006-09-29T16:57:00.000-04:00

Please do not e-mail message me to ask me if I've heard about or would like to hear about Screech's made-up sexcatape where he is in a bathtub and there are imaginary multiple ladies and he does things with them that only exist in a fratboy's fever dream and maybe Las Vegas.

I cannot emphasize this enough -- I do not care about the Screecher's imaginary Paris Hiltoning that he's probably making up in order to out-lame Bob Saget or Andy Dick or something.

Sorry dudes!

2006-09-29T16:56:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody - I've gotten a few emails of concern, so I thought it was time to alleviate your furrowed brows and aching hearts. I AM in fact alive and in no danger. I've actually just been really really busy - I'm starting law school right now (because man cannot live on making fun of a retarded tv show alone), and I thought I would have some free time this week but in fact I was totally wrong.

The good news is I've got a bunch of episodes in the DVR, but the less good news is I really don't know when I'll get to 'em. But I will. As I've said before, sign up for the "Notify List" thingy on the sidebar, and I'll send out an email when I next update. You can also make Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day your LiveJournal buddy (http://syndicated.livejournal.com/sbtbqotd), if you are into that sort of thing, and that will update when I update, I believe.

And again, thanks everybody for reading and all your nice emails about how you like this one tv show that mostly sucks and this one blog about this one tv show that mostly sucks! You guys are nice!

Have a good fall and check back in next time I eat lunch at home.

Running Zack

2006-08-11T16:56:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the delay everybody. I ran into a couple of problems this week (moving, new DVR, etc, etc), but I was at least able to catch today's episode. I'm going on vacation for two weeks, but I've got the DVR hard at work while I'm gone, so the last week in August should be rich with Quotes of the Day. Hoorah and all that.

Moving on, today, Saved by the Bell tackles the difficult issue of race relations with all their renowned subtlety and maturity. You see, it's talk about your ancestors week in Miss Wentworth's Whatever the Hell Miss Wentworth Teaches class and look out because it turns out Zack is one-kablillionth Native American and, to teach Zack a lesson, Miss Wentworth sends him unaccompanied to a pot-smoking Indian surfer's house. Then the guy dies. Then Zack almost doesn't run in the big track meet against Valley. But then the Indian surfer's ghost visits him (what?) and he does, and a nation's wounds are healed because if there's one thing the white man and the red man can agree on, it's that Valley sucks.

Also in today's episode, Slater's family's only accomplishment is that one of them was a bullfighter once which sounds about right, Screech is the descendant of an Italian spy for some reason and uses that as an excuse to do the worst Italian accent ever (Mama mia, whassamatta for you, Screechini!), and, most importantly, Lisa's ancestor was a slave and Jessie's were slave traders so there is a lot of white guilt shone through the prism of crazy that is Jessie Spannow.

Today's Quote

Chief Henry: Your people ran too, Zack. Only, not for trophies - they ran to preserve their way of life.

That's some deep shit, man.

Most Implausible Moment

Oh, I guess I'd say the part where Zack is visited by the GHOST OF A DEAD INDIAN.

PUNS! Watch

It was a misunderstandathon in Miss W's class:

Lisa: "...he became a conductor on the Underground Railroad."

Screech: "They had subways during the Civil War?"

-AND-

Miss Wentworth: "We can all learn from the mistakes of Jessie's forefathers."

Screech: "Jessie has four fathers?!"

Also, ouch, Miss W!

AND, lastly, you didn't think we'd get out of this episode without this, did you?

Zack: "Hey, and you could help me be an Indian..."

Screech: "How?"

Zack: "That's a good start."

What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch

After Lisa attests to the bravery of her escaped slave ancestor, Slater adds:

Slater: "My great grandfather was brave too. He was a bullfighter."

Yeah, I can see how fighting for the freedom of your race and fighting a cow are equivalen -- Jesus, Slater, you are an idiot.

Miss Wentworth Should Seriously Be Fired Watch

Well, on top of sending a minor to some crazy dude's house without any permission from anybody AND announcing people's grades in class, she's also got a potty mouth:

Miss Wentworth: "Zack has my permission to go kick some Valley a-- rear-end.

The Powers Family Tree Assemblage Corner

Two more today:

1. Luigi Powerelli - dashing debonair Italian lover and spy. Great grandfather paternal side, I'm assuming.

2. Aunt Hannah - the one who looks like an old Indian but with thicker sideburns. Side not mentioned.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Jessie (to Lisa): "I will carry you on my back."

Slater: "Hey, there's a picture - Driving Miss Dizzy."

Hahaha, oh man that Slater wit claims another victim.

Little Break

2006-07-29T16:55:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody, SbtB QotD is going to take a week-long break while I attend to some business. Unless something goes horribly wrong, we return on Monday, Aug 7.

Cut Day

2006-07-28T16:55:00.000-04:00

Look out cuz it's the Bayside Annual Cut Day where the school lets everybody not go to school even though they have it. Everybody, that is, except for Zack. It seems our blonde Tom Cruise already has taken 9 of his 10 unexcused absences (WHAT) and so if he cuts he gets suspension but he has a bet with Slater and so on.

Also in this episode, Slater makes the only smart choice he'll ever make by deciding to break up with Jessie, we meet Graham the Environmentalist Who Sucks and watch him attempt to bring down the plastic foam establishment that we hate to tell it to him had already been brought down sometime in the late 80's, Mrs Culpepper who is still hilariously blind (she thinks North America is Africa on a map dudes) has her emotions cruelly toyed with, Screech eats Taliban-approved candied insects and Zack uses them to make Mr Belding barf on command, and Screech and Lisa do the old "buried-in-the-sand-drinking-from-a-straw-whoops-the-glass-is-empty-now" gag that was probably hilarious when some Egyptian Pharaoh’s court jester first made it. Now, not so much. Not so much at all.

Today's Quote

Zack: The crunchy part's the thorax heheheh.

Most Implausible Moment

Somehow, Graham has all the same interests as Jessie, serves on Student Council with Jessie, and sits next to Jessie in all of her classes, and yet, the two have never really met before today. And by "somehow" I mean, "In this part that is retarded".

Nerds And Things They Like Watch

Today, a motion made by four nerds, two dorks, and a dweeb (this Draconian nerd classification system is not elaborated upon) for a day of mourning recognizing the anniversary of the cancellation of Gilligan's Island. Later, the dweeb (Franklin is his name, for those of you keeping score at home) also alludes to a Mr Ed resolution.

The upshot being that I guess nerds really like their 60's tv.

Jessie and Graham's Protest Sign Omnibus

1. It's Time To Wake Up, Drink From A Paper Cup

2. Go Home Plastic Foam

3. Plastic Foam - The Choice Of Idiots

and, my favorite,

4. Drink Now - Die Later

Um, I think I prefer it that way guys.

These Boots Were Made For Walking Watch

Unnamed Teacher: "Where did we leave off?"

Jessie: "We were discussing the obvious benefits of a female president. She's long overdue."

Zack: "Yup, just like a woman - always late."

Haha Zack, also they drive bad too am I right?

Daddy, Did People Actually Talk Like That? Watch

Slater: "Zack owes me one hundred smackers."

Hold Me Tight

2006-07-27T16:55:00.000-04:00

Ok so this episode has exactly one thing to recommend it: Coach Sonski. Man, everything out of the dude's mouth was rock solid gold. Otherwise, there's a girl who wants to be wrestler and blah blah blah but seriously Coach Sonski and Mr Dewey should totally have had a spin-off where they were outer space astronauts stuck in a space station and Sonski was messy and Dewey was clean and Dewey's always reading some math book or practicing his karate and Sonski is like "Hey Dewey, check out dis peanut butter and beer sandwich I just invented" and Dewey would be all "Son-SKI! That wasn't peanut butter - that was the last of our rocket fuel!" and Sonski would be all "Well strap me to da back a dis space station, 'cuz I'm about ta fire da ignition." You get the idea.

Also in this episode, Zack is both turned on and threatened by an empowered woman like the rest of us, Jessie can turn racist and back again on a dime, Jessie is so crazy that it's starting to make me a bit uncomfortable, the narratively convenient KKTY Bayside Radio Station appears again this time with the hit show "Spannow Speaks", Coach Sonski and Mr B are called pigs over 5 times in the first ten minutes, and there's this awesome Valley bully who attacks Zack and screams about murder until some nerd trips him. That part was pretty good.

Today's Quote

Coach Sonski: "Hey you worked on the full nelson and the half-nelson - why don't you show her the Willie Nelson? That's a country and wrestling joke, heh heh heh heh. [singing] I've got spurs that jingle jangle...

Most Implausible Moment

With the exception of Jessie's hairpin emotional turns, this episode wasn't tremendously implausible. So, I guess maybe I wonder where Bayside AND Valley found two 110 lbs. male high school students?

Before The Cock Crows, You Will Deny Me Three Times Watch

Kelly: "[Jessie]'s my friend, but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her."

Man, the past couple of days, Spannow-Kapowski relations seem strangely icy.

Subliminal Explanation Watch

So at one point, Jessie has a picket sign with a big capital S M P running down it (it says "Stop Macho Pigism"). No big deal, right? Well, when she turns it upside down to argue with Mr B and the capital letters read backwards, her character's motivation for the whole episode clicks into place.

Coach Sonski Speaks!

Coach Sonski: "That's cute honey, but this is a gym, not a Jane."

Coach Sonski: "You wanna wrestle with girls, date 'em."

Kristy Barnes: "That's not fair!"

Coach Sonski: "Well I don't have hair and that's not fair either."

Coach Sonski: "I don't care if I'm hated - I have pets at home who love me."

Coach Sonski: "Ok, I'm sensitive to dames. I watch Oprah."

How'd That Get Past Stands? Watch

Jessie: "There were a lot of snorts and grunts heard at Bayside yesterday, and they weren't just from the sweaty, red-faced wrestlers."

-AND-

Jessie (to Slater): "Yeah, when was the last time you held Rodriguez like that?"

Operation: Zack

2006-07-26T16:54:00.000-04:00

What's that you say? Zack is all of a sudden the star player on the Bayside Basketball team? And today's the big championship game? Well, I hope nothing goes - OH NOES Mr Belding stopped short in the doorway and Zack bumped into him and now Zack needs knee surgery - which, if Saved by the Bell has its medical facts straight (and I assume it does), is somehow both nothing to worry about and the MOST SERIOUS THING IN THE UNIVERSE EVER. Will Zack live? Yes.

Also in this episode, Lisa takes a narratively convenient job as a candy striper, Mr Belding compromises almost all of his professional integrity because Zack walked into him and so he takes all of Zack's tests for him which I mean c'mon Saved by the Bell that is retarded, the basketball coach is very short which is hilarious because basketball players are supposed to be tall get it?, Slater plays basketball too which probably doesn't make the wrestling coach too happy, it turns out in heaven everybody looks like Screech which is pretty strange I think, it turns out nurses are basically strippers without the class and also have no problem hitting on high school kids, Zack has a ridiculous dream sequence funeral where he is buried in his locker and for some reason none of his family attends, and, finally, Saved by the Bell has no shame in shining up the old "remote control controls hospital bed not tv" comedy chestnut. In fact, it's a gag so nice, they do it twice!

Today's Quote

Kelly: Zack, is there anything I can do for you before I punch Jessie out?

The best thing about this quote is it came from nowhere. I was all :O

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Lisa (tearfully): Please God, take care of my friend.

Guys, the room was all dark and there was a single light shining on Lisa who had her tear-filled eyes raised pleadingly to the sky and dear God in heaven and all the saints please let our friend live through his very very serious minor knee surgery.

Remind me never to get knee surgery in Bayside because jeez Louise everybody was freaking out.

Most Implausible Moment

Somehow, Mr Belding was both at the hospital with Zack and at the game to mess up Slater's big shot. Um, that's impossible, even without LA traffic. (PS: I think I heard on Leno once that LA has bad traffic).

The Powers Family Tree Assemblage Corner

We learn the names of two of the Screecher's uncles today:

1. Uncle Shyster, the lawyer with the amazingly appropriate name.

2. Uncle Maury, who was killed getting his tonsils removed. RIP Uncle Maury.

Screech didn't mention if they are maternal or paternal, so place these two names in your misc. folders for now.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Screech: "Call me Air Zack."

Slater: "Air Nerd is more like it."

Haha, good one Slater. Also, by way of explanation, Screech was dressed like Zack dressed in his basketball uniform because something something barf.

Black Nerd Watch

Black Nerd (at Zack's dream sequence funeral): "Zack, you were a pretty cool dude, for a non-nerd."

I love the black nerd dudes, but it might be all in the voice.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

It's an innuendoruption today dudes:

Monique the nurse: "Keep her around in case you choke on a bone."

-AND-

Lisa: "When you did that you ripped off my skirt and I fell and bumped my butt on the ice."

-AND-

Ugly Sex-Starved Nurse: "Doctor, heal me with your kisses!"

The Bayside Triangle

2006-07-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

Hey hey hey - what is going on here Saved by the Bell??? The only explanation for today’s episode would be that some executive at NBC let his thirteen-year-old daughter turn the fan fiction she wrote in study hall into a script for an entire show because seriously dudes. Seriously. This episode will blow your minds.

Because in today’s episode, Screech turns his Lisa-stalking up to “restraining order” which would be business as usual except, well, at the exact time, um, well, um, uh, well, Lisa starts making out with Zack. There’s also some nonsense about FIT and clothing designing and blah blah blah, but dudes Lisa and Zack totally make out and are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend forever and ever except that they won’t and will have forgotten all about this by tomorrow. If only I were so lucky.

Also in this episode, you can totally see why Zack digs Lisa because she alternates between lame sarcasm and general pissiness the entire time, I think Jessie was supposed to be drunk for a while, Kelly does that sit-com thing where her “clothes don’t fit” but she really just sticks her elbow in the sleeve to make it look like her clothes don’t fit, Zack wears these awesome Lisa-designed pants with suede faux-chaps and an even awesomer Navajo-esque jacket in the style that is favored by real-estate agents and car-dealership owners in Nevada or Colorado, Slater does this half-dancing/half-Heismann/all-awful runway walk, there is a patented SBtB “Almost Fight” where Screech rips Zack’s shirt and Zack is all “Mikey/Slater/Screech, I’m Not Going to Fight You”, and Screech and Lisa get to ACT and ACT and ACT!

Today’s Quote

Screech: Morris, you’ve got an appointment with fate, and fate’s got curly hair

Most Implausible Moment

Why do college admissions people on Saved by the Bell make 100% of their admissions decisions in the Max?

Also, while not NECESSARILY implausible, this entire episode gives me the heebie-jeebies.

What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch – Special Also What Is Wrong With Zack? Edition

Zack: “Hopefully, I’ll be in college, living in a sorority house.”

Slater: “Hey, good idea, preppie. I’ll live with you.”

Zack: “Our roommates will be Tonya, Lola, and Heather.”

Slater: “I can see it now – ‘Come hither, Heather.’”

Sigh. Guys, sometimes I am just so glad that these people aren’t really my friends.

Jessie And Her Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Jessie: “Lisa, a big fat pimple in the middle of your forehead on prom night just happens – kisses require planning.”

Um, that sure is a lot of detail for a whole lot of nonsense.

Future Oprah Bookclub Member Watch

Lisa: “You mean I got in? Oh girl, you are too much.”

Hahaha, I love it when they remember that Lisa is black, if only for a second.

Nerds And The Things They Like Watch

Unnamed Nerd: “Wake up and smell the Bosco, dollface.”

Wait, I thought nerds liked Ovaltine Saved by the Bell? I’m confused.

Project Runway Watch

Screech: “Model Zack Morris is wearing the perfect outfit … FOR STABBING YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE BACK!”

Mystery Weekend

2006-07-21T16:53:00.000-04:00

Hey guys have you ever wondered what would happen if your local community theater group and the gang from Bayside got together for a special murder mystery dinner theater night over at the old Stage 'n' Steak? No? Well, in today's episode we find out anyway! And the answer: It will suck! You see, today Lisa wins an off-camera radio contest and the gang goes to the Jameson mansion for a murder mystery thingy and Steve checks the DVR time and realizes he has to watch another 18 minutes of this shit.

Also in today's episode, no Mr B which is a pretty dependable sign for episode lameness, the butler did it sort of, the butler acts like Igor and Columbo at different times, there is a naughty French maid with an inconsistent accent who is supposed to look hot but mostly looks sort of old, Jessie is racist against the French and/or the help, Screech does the worst Sherlock Holmes impression ever, there is some more of the increasingly obligatory cross-dressing, and lordy lord guys this episode was boring.

Today's Quote

Jeanette: Mr Jameson is so cheap he steals towels from his own hotel.

I know, I know. That's just stupid. They didn't give me much to work with here, dudes.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok, aside from the gang being convinced that Zack killed Lisa for $500 and an old lady's crappy necklace, why is Lisa's "mango-tonic with a twist of kiwi" pink? None of those things are pink Saved by the Bell.

PUNS! Watch

Stephen Jameson III: "Care to take another stab at it?" (right after the butler gets stabbed, hyuck hyuck barf)

-AND-

Jeanette the Maid: "I've brought Inspector Piccadilly from the yard."

Even the puns are lame.

Awkward Sexual Admission Watch

Victor the piano player (to Jessie): "For you my beauty, I'll play the Minute Waltz in thirty seconds."

...and give me another ten and I'll be done with everything else too! Heeey-OH!

Official Number of Times Screech Is Called A "Dork" In One Episode

3

Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Kelly: "You know, smoking is pretty bad for your health."

Screech: "Yeah and our health too. Secondhand smoke is deadly."

Man, what a bunch of preachy-preaches these kids can be.

That's it for today. You guys owe me one.

Student-Teacher Week

2006-07-20T16:53:00.000-04:00

So it's Student-Teacher week at Bayside (clever title there, Saved by the Bell) and Zack is principal so everything should be awesome right? Wrong, because watch out Kelly wants to be a teacher when she grows up and we all know that schools base their hiring decisions almost entirely on how well the potential employee did at their high school's student-teacher week. And what's that you say? It's also this week's big game against Valley and Slater and the boys don't wanna study cuz they've got to learn their new plays? I smell conflict! Ultimately, Slater learns the important lesson not to try to take advantage of your friend who might want to be a teacher when she grows up during student-teacher week or you'll put your other friend who got made principal in order to learn responsibility in an awkward position. And that's a lesson we should all keep in mind.

Also in today's episode, Ox!, Bull!, Pete the Nerd!, Lisa and Screech teach some nerds in gym class, Mr Belding acts irresponsibly, Zack is the first man ever to successfully use being a high school principal to get laid, Zack decorates his office with G'n'R, LL Cool J, Paula Abdul, and what appear to be two(!) TLC posters - the same ones your little sister used to decorate her room in middle school!, Screech does the worst Hans and Franz ever for the second time, and did I mention Ox?

Today's Quote

Screech: I'm Muscle Screech from Muscle Beach, but starting tomorrow you can call me teach.

I've said this before, but, seriously, stop and think about this for a moment - somebody wrote that.

Most Implausible Moment

Ox: "If we take that test, we'll flink!"

Slater: "That's flunk, Ox."

C'mon, Saved by the Bell. Even you are better than that.

Create Your Own Context Watch

Jessie: "Our apologies to Muffin Sangria, whose dummy Jo-Jo was eaten by termites."

What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater: "Our tackling dummy is broken so all cute blondes are welcome to come in and fill out."

I know where you're going with this one, AC, but, um, you're an idiot.

Bayside's Ambitious Lesson Plans Watch

Kelly: "Today we're going to talk about World War I and World War II."

I guess we gotta assume the Bayside history class only meets three times a semester, so they gotta make these classes count.

Misused Insult Alert

Screech (to Pete): "Is that a chest or did two Tic-Tacs fall down your shirt?"

Um, Screech, Pete's a dude. Dudes don't care about the size of their breasts.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "It would be a shame not to share my bodily secrets with the student body."

-AND-

Lisa: "Get 'em movin', Screech - I wanna see some hard bodies around here."

-AND-

Kelly: "...and I'm known as Miss Kapowski, the girl with no class."

Aw!

Love Machine

2006-07-19T16:52:00.000-04:00

So in today's episode, Albert Clifford Slater's girlfriend from Germany, Jennifer, magically appears at Bayside in the middle of science class, and whut-oh looks like AC and Jen forgot to break up, and watch out because also it is the "Make Your Own Invention" Unit in Mr Tuttle's science class (what) and Screech and Kelly invented a "Love Machine" that tests compatibly (WHAT) and I wonder if this invention might become important later in the episode? If you will allow me to be so presumptuous as to answer my own question, the answer is yes. Yes it will.

As a side note, there was one of those Love Machine thingys in the mall when I was growing up, and, to answer yet another question, yes ladies, according to the machine, I was "Hot To Trot". Wiiii-ink.

Also in this episode, barely any Mr B though he does do the one thing where he says "My door is always open" and then when he goes to the door hahaha it is locked, Screech basically spends the episode screwing everybody over, Zack shines up the old "Walk-this-way" chestnut by "walking-this-way" like Mr Tuttle, Jessie is racist against Slater, Jessie is racist against ex-girlfriends from Germany, Jessie is seriously insane, we learn that the name of the movie theater in Berlin is the Berlinaplex which I am pretty sure is a lie, and, finally, there is some cross-dressing! which brings Zack back to his bad accent tour of the world, this time doing the worst old lady impression ever!

Today's Quote

Kelly: Jessie slammed her gavel on Ronald Geekman's hand so hard that his retainer flew out and hit Mr Belding in the eye.

If somebody ever asked me to reduce the whole Saved by the Bell experience into one sentence, that one would pretty much be it.

Most Implausible Moment

Jennifer: "When Albert left, we made one of those promises that we wouldn't go out with anyone else ever."

Oh, one of those promises. Wait a second. What?

Also, Slater and Jen really break up because they can't agree between Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner? Really?

Saved by the Bell Tells Jokes My High School Geometry Teacher Used To Make Watch

Zack: "We're the perfect team - she works hard, I hardly work!"

Seriously, the guy made the "working hard/hardly working" joke like every class. You don't want to be like this guy, Saved by the Bell!

SLATERism Watch

Screech: "Always the guinea pig, never the guinea."

Hahahahuh???

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Zack: "I'm sorry Mr Tuttle, science just doesn't turn me on."

Mr Tuttle: "Oh hooey! Science is the ultimate turn on."

-AND-

Zack: "She's your sweet loving mama."

Slater: "Yeah, she is my mama, isn't she?"

Guys, both those lines made me more than a little bit uncomfortable. I think I'm going to go have a shower.

2006-07-16T16:52:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone,

Looks like I'm going to be hanging at the Malibu Beach Club for a couple of days and there's no internet there. Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day returns Wednesday.

- Steve

Rockumentary

2006-07-14T16:51:00.000-04:00

Oh man, guys - I've been holding out all week for this one. It is, of course, the absolutely mind-blowing Behind The Music-esque "Zack Attack" story, narrated by one CASEY KASEM! Fans will remember that this is Casey's second visit to Bayside, which I guess that isn't really surprising because I mean what else did Casey Kasem have to do in the 90's. This episode has so much singin' and dancin' and pop clichés and ridiculous clothes and singin' and dancin' and Friends Forever and Did We Ever Have A Chance? and dudes it is just the greatest. The only things missing from this episode were Mr B (who I missed) and Jessie (who I didn't). Seriously though, you'd have to be pretty glutton for punishment to pledge eternal friendship to Jessica Myrtle Spannow.

Also in this episode, Zack doesn't really sing and but the dude who does sounds a little like Don Henley, Slater doesn't really sing and but the dude who does sounds a little like Michael McDonald, Lisa doesn't really sing and but the lady who does sounds a little less like Don Henley, and Kelly doesn't really sing and but the lady who does sounds exactly like a cat trying to claw its way out of a burlap sack in the bottom of a river. Additionally, publicist Mindy Wallatzer is like Yoko but without the Asian, Zack dresses like Vanilla Ice, Slater dresses like Evel Knievel, Lisa becomes an American Gladiator, Kelly dresses like a nun, what appear to be transvestite Madonna and Michael Jackson impersonators give out awards, Bar Mitzvahs! are mentioned, and Slater just drums and dances and sings and dances and drums and smiles and sings and dances and smiles and smiles!

WHEW

Today's Quote

Kelly: Are you really interested in us?

Brian Fate: Does Bart Simpson have animated zits?

Um, no?

Most Implausible Moment

Hahahahaha.

Ha ha ha.

PUNS! Watch

Casey Kasem: "Little did they know, fate was at their door..."

Brian Fate: "Hello, I'm Brian Fate!"

-AND-

Lisa: "If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda."

I know, I know, that's not a pun. But it is GLORIOUS.

Daddy, Did People Actually Talk Like That? Watch

Brian Fate: People, people, this studio costs mucho dinero ... MONEY.

Made Up Magazines Watch

The following made-up magazines make an appearance today:

1. Billbox

2. The National Inquisitor

3. Sins

4. The Hollywood Reporter

Hahaha, ZING on you, Hollywood Reporter!

Also, the fake Billbox actually has the headline visibly glued onto it. Um, if you're going to go to the trouble of printing up a fake Billbox, why, uh, why wouldn't you just print the fake headline ONTO THE ACTUAL MAGAZINE SAVED BY THE BELL?

Couplets! Watch

Slater, Kelly, and Screech: "School is a bore, when you're stuck indoors

Make it fun, put it out in the sun!

Hit the beach, teach

Let us learn while we buuuuuurn!"

Poingancy! Watch

Casey Kasem: This garage, which gave birth to so many hopes and dreams, is empty now...

Haha, so is my brain, Casey! Now!

Have a good weekend everybody!

The Teacher's Strike

2006-07-13T16:50:00.000-04:00

Uh-oh, is it time for teacher contract negotiation AND the annual Bayside-Valley Academic Bowl again? What do these two things have to do with each other? Pretty much nothing! So basically this episode is split in half - the first part dealing with a labor dispute between Mr B and Mr Tuttle where Zack and Slatzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and the other part where there are Valley nerds. Valley. Nerds.

Also in this episode, Zack and Slater are wearing women's ski outfits but don't seem to know it, beaucoup de Tuttle, Lisa is on the Academic Bowl team for some reason despite her SAT score, and um did I mention the VALLEY FREAKIN' NERDS??? Also, for some reason, Kelly is not in this episode, and the audience is left to speculate why. Well, I mean, if they cared, which they don't so on with the show!

Today's Quote

Screech: All right, astrophysics. First, think of Astro, the Jetson's dog. Jetson's means "jet propulsion", with properties A, B, C ... C ... see ya real soon!

Jessie: Oh no, he died!

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Screech: Can you remember the word "mvemjsnup"? ... It's the name of the planets according to their distance from the sun - "M" for Mercury, "V" for Venus, "E" ... e? ... ee-i-ee-i-oh!

Zack: Screech! What's the rest of it?

Screech: Old McDonald had a farm!

Hahaha, I love how Zack can't figure the rest out for himself. Good God, this show is stupid.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok so Zack and Slater spend the whole first half of this episode scamming to get the teachers to strike, and they do, but then Mr B tells them that the Academic Bowl will be cancelled, Lisa and Jessie pout for like a second, and then, poof, next scene, Zack and Slater end the strike. I mean, seriously, it's like they weren't even trying with this one. Maybe that's why Kelly walked out? I wanted to.

Also, why does Bayside have its teacher contract negotiations in the middle of the school year? That, uh, that seems dumb.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Slater: "He just got the sniffles from skiing in his underwear."

Jessie: "Why were you skiing in your underwear?"

Screech: "Because I forgot my pajamas."

Lisa: "You go skiing in your pajamas?!"

Screech: "Now why would I do that? Then I'd have nothing to sleep in at night!"

Hahahahaha! Third base!

Come And Knock On Our Door Watch

Slater: "No doofus, we're going skiing at Big Bear Mountain. It's winter break and the slopes'll be packed with ski bunnies."

But then how will you convince Mr Furley that Jack is still gay after he sees you two with Gretchen and Inga at the ski lodge, Larry??

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Screech: "What's the zip code of Northern Zimbabwe?

Lisa: "90210?"

Screech: "Errrrnnn - wrong answers. That would be Zimbabwe Hills."

You know, I think I hate that joke...

Mervin (Valley nerd!): "Save your breath, Earl - you're dealing with people who think 'quantum physics' is a TV show."

...but I'm certain I love that one.

Zack: "I believe it's Michael 'Air' Jordan."

Wow, Zack really does know a lot about basketball - he's heard of Michael Jordan!!!

The Nerd-Sports-Switcheroo Compendium

1. Kareem Abdul Montana

2. Air McMahon

3. OJ Chamberlain

Guys, give me a second, I think a pattern might be forming...

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr Tuttle: "Girls, are you ready to bone up for the bowl?"

S.A.T.s.

2006-07-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

So in today's episode, we learn the hierarchy of intelligence of our friends at Bayside. Slater, of course, is the dumbest, and Zack scored the impossible score of 1502 (not impossible because it's so high - impossible because it is not mathematically possible to score a 1502 on the SAT SAVED BY THE BELL). Also whut-oh and watch out because Jessie also got an impossible score but her's is impossibly lower than Zack's and Jessie reacts the only way she knows how - by going batshit insane. What does all this mean? Why, of course, scamming and subterfuge! Also, for some reason, at Bayside the principal walks around the gym announcing everybody's SAT score out loud to college representatives which seems a bit odd but whatever, Saved by the Bell knows what's up.

Also in this episode, James the Thespian! returns to his narratively conveniant job at the Max, the future Mrs Ben Stiller (fresh off the set of Hey Dude!) jumpstarts her career in a virtuoso turn as Heather the girl who dates Bob (who are these people?), Stansbury is racist against Jessie, Jessie is racist against cheerleaders, Jessie is racist against football players, Jessie is racist against hypocrites, Jessie is racist against Zack, and how come Screech didn't do better on the SATs? I mean, for chrissake, the dude built a talking robot! Remember??

Today's Quote

James: Madam, north, south, east, or west, there's only one HAAAAAAR-vard

So how come they can use the name Harvard but not Stanford? Also, MORE JAMES PLZ SAVED BY THE BELL. THX. SRSLY.

Most Implausible Moment

Lisa: "I thought you got a part in a play."

James: "I did. We performed Cats in dog suits, but I quit when they started throwing bones at us."

Wait. What?

The Official Bayside Intelligence Hierarchy

1. Zack (1502)

2. Screech (1220)

3. Jessie (1205)

4. Lisa (1140)

5. Kelly (1100)

6. Slater (1050)

I advise that you print that out and keep it in your wallet. I can't see how it won't come in handy at some point.

PUNS! Watch

Jessie: "I'm a lean, mean, answering machine."

You know, I didn't think I'd ever say this, but that pun pretty much blows.

Hoop Dreams Watch

Slater: "Boy, it's a good thing I didn't tell her [Stansbury] offered me a car."

Um, maybe you shouldn't tell anybody about that Slater.

Names James Calls The Stansbury Representative Omnibus

1. Mrs Potbellyham

2. Mrs Billygoatcheesehamsandwiches

I guess James really likes ham, dudes.

The Lisa Card

2006-07-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

Whew. For the first ten minutes or so of this episode, I was a little worried because it was all "Lisa spent too much money on her dad's credit card" and "wah wah wah" and "this is just like a normal bad sitcom" and "where is the weird Saved by the Bell?" There was even a totally wasted dream sequence where Lisa's dad was the devil and Screech was the Grim Reaper and Lisa dressed like a punk and I know I know that sounds crazy, but it wasn't. Trust me.

But then, whoa boy, we come back from commercial and get this totally insane Miss Wentworth class about animals doing it (you'll remember her as the teacher who lied about subliminal advertising and who really should be fired dudes), Slater talking to Mr Belding about wanting to be a transvestite, Mr Belding talking about going to prom with his sister, Mr Belding talking about making it with a Vietnamese girl when he fighting was in 'Nam (WHAT), Lisa as a waitress and they play the tape real fast because Slater used to be a busboy in Bolivia (HUH?), and this really long bit where Lisa has a thought bubble over head and it basically replays the entire episode for some reason. Guys, Saved by the Bell is really a pretty weird show.

Also in this episode, Mr B does the worst Elvis impression ever, the twins buy cowboy boots, and nerds reiterate their fondness for retainers and Ovaltine.

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: After the war, I was dateless again. That Viet Cong girl dumped me.

Not really a joke, but this whole bit just blew my friggin' mind ok?

Most Implausible Moment

Jessie: "Thirty-seven dollars in tips in three hours? I can't believe it!"

Um, I can.

Miss Wentworth Should Seriously Be Fired Watch

Kelly: "You mean reproduction in the animal kingdom?"

Miss Wentworth: "I prefer to call it 'monkey business in the jungle.'"

Slater: "Yeah, how come birds aren't attracted to horses?"

Miss Wentworth: "Oh, but they are. Unfortunately, there just isn't room in the nest."

Miss Wentworth: "Today's topic: The Pond - Nature's Hot Tub."

Add to that getting the class to do impressions of frogs, insects, and birds in heat, and you've got a teacher who is seriously unstable. And, I ask this again, what the hell class does this lady teach??

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

It was an innuendo bonanza today, even taking out Miss Wentworth's class.

Screech (discussing a piece of Lisa's lingerie he just bought(!)): It will lie next to me in my bed.

Lisa: I thought you slept with your dog?

Screech: He won't mind!

-AND-

Mr Belding: "I'll never forget her first words to me - don't swallow your tongue!"

-AND-

Customer: "This isn't what I ordered - you were supposed to toast my buns!"

-AND-

Lisa: "Daddy, I was kissed by nerds!"

-AND-

Lisa: "Daddy, punish me!"

The Election

2006-07-10T16:48:00.000-04:00

Hahaha, ok, so this episode has been sitting on my DVR since the last time I did this which is well over a year ago and that is a long time to have a fairly stupid episode of Saved by the Bell taking up precious space on a DVR so what I'm saying is this is the sort of dedication you won't find on other Saved by the Bell blogs ok?

In today's episode, there is an election and Bayside has a two party system, emphasis on the par-tay (if you're reading this Carlos Mencia, you can have that one - I don't mind, I've got a million of 'em). Zack runs against Jessie because there is trip to Washington DC that is funded by Student Government Foundation (what?) and the winner of the election gets to go to DC with Mr Belding and Mr Dewey (awesome) and for some reason the show seems to think that Washington DC is like Las Vegas crossed with Amsterdam crossed with Bangkok. With more hookers. WASHINGTON DC IS NOT THAT COOL SAVED BY THE BELL. Also in this episode, professionally-printed signs that no kid could have, a slick campaign video that no kid could have, Jessie is racist against food additives and women, Max wears a totally amazing "SPANO IS MY MAN-O" apron that I want as a t-shirt, and we find out Jessie's middle name is Myrtle which is embarrassing dudes.

Today's Quote

Mr Dewey: You make fun of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody is laughing at.

Good gracious do I love the Dewman.

Most Implausible Moment

Ok so Zack announces he's running in math class (why does the math teacher run student government at Bayside any way?) and then that very afternoon the Max is covered in professionally printed "Vote for Zack" signs and he's got a speech ready and everything. So either every kid happens to be on the exact same wash cycle as every other kid in Bayside, causing them to always wear the same clothes on the same day and this is like two weeks later or Saved by the Bell is retarded. I'm going with the latter.

PUNS! Watch

Jessie: "But I'm warning you, Zack, I'm going to kick your butt."

Mr Dewey: "Mr Morris, care to rebut?"

Hahaha. If I ever met Mr Dewey, I would shower him in high fives.

Screech: "...and now you're losing your jock support!"

ALF/Gorbachev/Jason Bateman Watch

I've expanded the title of this section because it is ridiculous how often they mention Jason Bateman on this show. I wonder which 55-year-old writer thought The Bateman was such hot shit with the tweens in the early 90's?

Gorbachev (in Zack's campaign video): "Zack Morris can bring peace."

This was followed with a ridiculous bit where Fidel Castro goes "Only Zack can shave me correctly" which if Castro ever saw he would probably wish the CIA had assassinated him in the 60's. Hahaha, ZING on Castro.

Mr Belding: "For student body president, these people got the following write-in votes: Jason Bateman - 9; ALF - 7; Gilligan - 6; [singing] and the Skipper two."

This could also be filed under PUNS! and might also have been the Quote of the Day if it wasn't for the tsunami of awesome that is the Dewman.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "Me? Run? That's like asking Rosanne Barr to skip a meal."

-AND-

Screech's Washington Brochure: "Washington After Dark - sipping ales with the Quayles."

Saved by the Bell Hates Cleveland Watch

Kelly: "You'll go down in history with George McGovern, Walter Mondale, and the Cleveland Indians."

Man, why you always gotta be pickin' on C-town, Saved by the Bell?

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr Belding: "I'll never forget the last time Mrs. B and I went to Washington - we were arrested for skinny dipping in the Potomac."

Seriously? Because that's gross, dude.

-AND-

Mr Belding: "Slater, sweet innocent man child, Zack Morris is like a vacuum cleaner - he'll suck you in if he can."

Haha, Saved by the Bell you are like a vacuum cleaner in that you keep sucking too!

Ok, see you tomorrow guys and girls!

New SBtB QotD's Coming This Summer

2006-06-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody, thanks for your emails and interest and etc in this stupid thing that I did. Since Adult Swim started airing Saved by the Bells last week, there's been a spike in interest in all things Bayside, so I figured now would be a good time to let you all know that I'm planning to do a whole bunch of new Quotes of the Day in July (with maybe an extra special Charles in Charge week, if Channel 9 keeps running it at 11 every morning).

I'm storing up SBtB's in the ol' DVR as we speak, and I've got some real doozys. So I'll see you this summer, and if'n you want to keep up with the keepin' up with Steve right now, check out my weekly cartoony strip Poppycock Theater.
Mark your calendars - Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day returns Monday, July 10th 2006.

Aloha Slater

2005-04-01T16:47:00.000-05:00

So this is the last entry for this run of the Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day. I'd like to say thanks to all of you new readers who emailed me, posted comments, blogged about the site, etc. - I still can't believe that so many people like to read about somebody else watching TV.

This blog will update sporadically (basically, whenever I have lunch at home), so sign up to your right to receive an email next time I do a Quote of the Day. NotifyList is acting a little wonky, so if it doesn't work now, try back in a little bit.

And now, without further folderol or adieu, here is the last SBtB of the spring: "Let's Pretend Slater's Dying So He Goes to Hawaii". In today's episode, Zack is mad because chicks dig jocks, so he makes up a disease ("Mumbioquadralationosis" for those keeping score)! What? Now Kelly is going to Hawaii too? Must be time for hi jinks and a lesson perhaps!

Also today, almost too much! Slater wrestles Mr B, Screech does the whole hiding-in-file-cabinet-handing-file-to-authority-figure schtick that Scooby-Doo used to get so much mileage from, Zack has a ridiculously low-budget light-bulb "I-have-an-idea" effect, an amazing scene where Mr Belding seems incredible callous and cruel and Jessie's all "How could you?", an amazing scene where Slater's dad acts like a maniac and breaks his desk with his fist, an amazing scene where there is a goodbye hula dance for Slater and Screech cross-dresses and becomes the Pineapple Princess for no apparent reason, and (inexplicably due to ants and pepper) Slater dances and sneezes and dances and dances and sneezes and dances! Phew!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: ...[Slater]'s very popular with the girls. In fact, he gets almost as many whistles around the pool as I do.

What's Mr Belding doing walking around the pool?

Saved By The Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Unnamed Teacher: This is Study Hall, NOT SOUL TRAIN!

Most Implausible Moment

Um, who did they think they were kidding when they moved some lockers and inserted the trophy case to try and make it look like there's a second hallway at Bayside? Because they are not fooling anybody.

Hey Abbott! Watch

Major Slater:"How do you find Mr Belding?"

Zack: "Confused, but well-meaning."

Major Slater:"I mean his office. Where is it?"

Screech: "He's with the school nurse."

Major Slater: "And where is the school nurse?

Screech: "She's with Mr. Belding."

Major Slater: "I know that. Where's her office?

(Screech and Zack point in opposite directions)

Hahahahaha! Third base!

ALF/Gorbachev Watch

It's back!

Screech: "Third place, wow! I once finished fifth in an ALF look-alike contest!"

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "Everyone hopes for that one shining moment: Joe Montana in the Super Bowl, Kirk Gibson in the World Series, Flo Jo in the Olympics..."

Hahaha! You forgot Bo Jackson, Zack!

How'd This Get Past Satndards? Watch

Kelly: "Will you teach me how to wrestle?"

-AND-

Slater: "You only get one chance with the Major."

OK, that's the end of this chapter! Stay awesome everybody!

Screech's Woman

2005-03-31T16:46:00.000-05:00

So today, Zack dresses like a girl! Hahahahaha!

Also in this episode, Lisa mostly makes out with some dude (who is black because let's not court controversy here people), there's one of those great cue-strings-lovers-crossing-room-arms-outstretched-slo-mo parody bits that are really fresh and new, Jessie is racist against Screech, Screech does the old Binaca-spritz before using the phone gag (he didn't do the miss-his-mouth-and-spray-his-eye bit though - that's a missed opportunity Screecher!), and Zack continues his worst accent ever trip around the globe - this time crossing genders to do the worst "Southern Belle" accent ever!

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: Young lady, the Men's Room is one of the few doors that education should NOT open for you!

Most Implausible Moment

Jessie (commenting on her volcano science project): "We are not only going to get an A on this project, but we're also going to get the science medal."

Ah yes, the highly-coveted "Best Proof That Vinegar and Baking Soda Make Foam" Medal that all the scientists get so excited about.

What is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater's proposed name for the volcano: Slater's Crater

-AND-

Slater: "Hey, this phone is occupado, paisan."

Hahaha! There is seriously something wrong with Slater!

PUNS! Watch

Mr Belding: "They usually wear a locket, not a locker."

I actually don't think that's a pun, but who cares? I'm in charge here.

The Things Screech Compares Himself To Compendium

Today's entries:

1. Snake spit.

2. Hummingbird droppings.

3. A young buck.

4. Billy Idol.

5. A worm.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "I learned that trick from the Chinese Acrobats!"

The Gift

2005-03-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

First of all, to those of you came here by way of either Qwantz.com or Flak Magazine, welcome! If you read either one, then it can be safely assumed that you are a person of the finest taste and comportment. And, to those of you who came here via Google, that slash-fiction where Slater and Zack meet Bo and Luke Duke is somewhere else I think. Sorry to disappoint you!

So, in today's episode, Screech develops the ability to tell the future because he got struck by lightening, following the explicit rules set out in The Cliched Sitcom Handbook ("Chapter 12: Amnesia, Clairvoyance and Alter-Egos: So Your Character Has Been Struck on the Head/By Lightening/By a Car"). So, um, clearly, scamming.

Also in this episode, the first appearance by Mr. George "Terrible" Testeverde (who you might also know as "the guy in the Micromachines commercials who talked really fast" or "the guy in Transformers: The Movie that talked really fast" - and, no, not Orson Welles people!), Zack does the worst Elvis impersonation in the world for absolutely no reason, Screech in an afro wig!!, this awesome scene where Mr Testeverde talks really fast and Jessie makes smoke on her paper trying to take notes. Outrageous!

Today's Quote

Screech: "Now I see the Committees of Correspondence and the Battle of Trenton. No wait! It's the Battle of the Network Stars! I see Patrick Henry ... no, it's Patrick Swayze ... dirty dancing across the Delaware with ... Martha Washington? I see Paul Revere on a bus. Zack! Did you know Lincoln freed the Japanese?!

That's the second Dirty Dancing reference in a week. Say what you want, Saved by the Bell does NOT put baby in the corner.

Most Implausible Moment

Let's assume that the lightening bolt was able to generate the necessary 1.21 gigawatts we all know is necessary for time travel, and examine the following:

Mr Belding: "Um, Screech, I'm just curious - my mother-in-law is staying with us indefinitely. By any chance, can you tell me-"

Screech: "She'll be gone by Tuesday."

Mr Belding: "All right!"

(cue uproarious laughter and applause from "audience")

Are we really supposed to believe that this standard-issue Mother-In-Law joke brought the house down? Bad form, Saved by the Bell laughing track. Bad form, indeed.

PUNS! Watch

Jessie: "I've had straight A's since Sesame Street!"

Zack: "You mean you were a Big Bird brain?"

-AND-

Slater: "I really could use you ham radio. There's that gymnast I left back in Germany - she really flipped over me."

Fun With Alliteration Watch

Zack: "The three worst things that can happen to a kid are measles, mumps, and midterms."

What about foot fungus, flatulence, and finals, Zack?

Grody to the Max! Watch

Lisa: "You know, I have so much food in me, you could put a quarter in my mouth and a bag of Doritos would come popping out."

Popping out of where?

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Slater: "I gotta come home and start making a slave list."

Zack: "You wish, Slater."

Slater: "Hey, startin' tomorrow, it's gonna be Master Slater."

Say, maybe you slash-fictioners aren't so far off after all...

Fatal Distraction

2005-03-29T16:46:00.000-05:00

Before we start I'd like to point out that the title of this episode is both PUNS! and a Slaterism. It's two-for-Tuesday I guess!

So today, Zack is on the dodge because girls just can't stop asking him to the dance but he wants Kelly to ask him to the dance so Zack must do a terrible Middle Eastern accent because Zack has to do every accent at some point in the series so why not start here? Also, why doesn't he go ahead and bug Jessie's bedroom for the big slumber party? And why doesn't Kelly pretend to be a crazy maniac lady? There's no reason not to, because this is TeeVee!

Also today, Rhonda Robistelli, the jocky girl who digs on Zack hardcore and who I totally forgot existed, makes her premiere, there's another dream sequence where girls like boys too much, Screech does the world's worst Michael Jackson impersonation for no reason at all but at least he dresses like Michael Jackson which is great and then uh-oh he gets busted by Mr. Belding because the school has a dress code (what?). Hey, isn't Michael Jackson in the news these days?

Today's Quote

Lisa (in dream sequence): Screech is everything a girl could want. He's strong; sensitive; funny, but not silly; and he makes me tingle all over.

Screech (waking up from dream): Zack! I make her tinkle!

A character misunderstanding his own dream sequence is bronze, silver and gold, people.

Most Implausible Moment

Now that we're at the beginning of the series, here's one to ponder: Why is Zack always talking to the camera? Who is he talking to? The more you think about it, the more problematic it becomes (like Zeno's paradox or R2-D2's rocket boots in the last Star Wars movie).

The Rhonda Robistelli Compendium, Chapter 1

Rhonda: "Hey Zackee! Hey, what's da rush, button-nose?"

Rhonda: "Hey Zackee, we gotta talk, hunk o' mine. (To the gang) That boy has got one cute behind, oo!

Rhonda: "Sure, take five. I'll go wash my face and floss (wink) for later."

Rhonda: "Mom's visiting dad in the slammer, and we got the house all to ourselves."

Zack: "I don't kiss on the first date."

Rhonda: "Whoo-hoo, good thing for us - I DO."

Bullies Watch

Two for the books today:

Terrible Tommy Tanner

Norman No-Neck Nunzio

Wait a second, isn't Nedick "No-Neck" too? What's with the necks, Bayside?

History's Fool Watch

Lisa: "...if he had the qualities of, say, Michael Jackson. Gentle, talented, gorgeous, and light on his feet."

You, um, you left out a few qualities there, Lisa.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Lisa: "How'd the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition get in here?"

Zack: "I have needs, too."

Hahaha! Tell it, brother!

King of the Hill

2005-03-28T16:45:00.000-05:00

NOW WE ARE TALKING TBS! This here, this is the very first episode of Save by the Bell proper, where Slater comes to town and Zack is all take my locker (I really want your locker because it is next to Kelly's) and Slater is all WE ARE ENEMIES, DUDE!

I remember when this episode first aired (though the memory is a touch hazy): it was a special Monday night premiere, right after Fresh Prince, the night before I started the 6th Grade. I thought to myself, "There is probably a very good chance that, a few years from now, I will watch this show after school, like 800 times a day, until every line sings from the very core of my heart." Then me and my hot model girlfriend had a bucket of fried chicken and took my Camero to the Walmart parking lot and did donuts until dawn, with her whispering "you are awesome, you are awesome..." in my ear the whole time! Yep, that is exactly how it went down I think.

Also in today's episode, all that is good and golden - Mr Dewey, Mrs. Simpson, TONS of Mrs. B references (Mr Belding: "Zack, put Mrs. Belding down!"), scamming!, professionally printed signs that no student could have, more scamming, etc.!!!!!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: Mrs. B and I did take up synchronized swimming. You haven't seen Dirty Dancing until you've seen us under water. Hah-ha!

Most Implausible Moment

Slater: "I've been in 14 different schools in the past 3 years."

Um, no you haven't because that is ridiculous. You are a liar.

Also, where did Zack get a remote-controlled, life-size picture of Kelly Kapowski playing volleyball and how many Proofs of Purchase from Fruit Gushers do I need to get one?

Mr Dewey Watch

Mr Dewey: "Ok people, settle down. I'm Mr Dewey how was your summer mine stunk let's get started."

Mr Dewey: "We're about to embark on an exhilarating journey into the world of Algebra ... I'll wait till your hearts stop pounding."

Mr Dewey: "I don't believe it and I don't care. I'm tired, I have a toothache, and I have to go home and pump iron."

Man, did the Dew-man have his own writer or something? This stuff is like it's from another show where people say things that are funny.

What is Wrong With Slater? Watch

It's nice to see he started out retarded.

Zack: "I'm Zack Morris."

Slater: "And I'm Roger Rabbit, so what?"

Zack: "You should take [my locker] - it's right next to the girl's bathroom."

Slater: "Unless it's IN the girl's bathroom, I'm not interested."

Wait a second? Unless it's IN the girl's bathroom? Ladies and gentleman, I spy a "SLATERISM"!

PUNS! Watch

Zack: "You're going to be Mr. Rogers?"

Mr Belding: "You're in the right neighborhood."

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Cindy (the Wake-Up Call Girl): "It's seven o'clock, tiger, time to roar!"

Whoa.

Parents and Teachers

2005-03-25T16:45:00.000-05:00

For those of you furiously hacking away at your Saved by the Bell fan fiction, trying to craft the perfect story to create continuity between the Miss Bliss episodes and the Bayside years, I regret to inform you that today's episode presents significant problems. For today, we meet Zack's dad, who is named Peter not Derrick, and who is not married to Mrs. Morris and who spends a significant part of this episode trying to make out with Miss Bliss. I do not envy any of you. That said, you've done some amazing work with the Tori Paradox. If anybody can untangle this knot, it's you.

Also in this episode, not much!

Today's Quote

Zack: Ok, I'll cheer him up ... Hey Screech, have you heard? At exactly two o'clock today, a shower of asteroids is gonna level Cleveland.

I guess Screech has a thing about Cleveland.

Most Implausible Moment

Mr Belding: "...[The parents] started telling principal jokes."

Miss Bliss: "What'd you do?"

Mr Belding: "What could I do? I told a few zingers myself?"

Principal jokes? C'mon.

PUNS! Watch

Screech: "Get this - my dad told me he was Glue Monitor too! That's how he got stuck on my mom!"

You see Screech was a Glue Monitor at one point I guess, so that oh nevermind

Made Up Bands! Watch

Zack: "I didn't know Hot Lead was going to get the mumps!"

Hot Lead? It's no Bo Revere, but it's still pretty sweet.

No Child Left Behind Watch

Miss Bliss: "I mean, how do you tell a parent that their child is best qualified to be a speed bump?"

Oucherz, Miss B.

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch:

Milo: "It's a side of Pokey I'd rather not see."

Stevie

2005-03-24T17:14:00.000-05:00

For the next couple days, we'll be firmly entrenched at JFK Middle School, Indianapolis, USA. While the Miss Bliss years lack the over-the-top hi jinks of Bayside, we can be thankful of one thing - there's no Tori!

In today's episode, rock star Stevie (who combines the girl-next-store wholesomeness of a Debbie Gibson with the mallrat spank of Tiffany in an electrifying combo punch) returns home for a farewell performance before enrolling in Notre Dame which is pretty specific for Saved by the Bell. Zack makes a bet, pretends he's dying, and then learns it's wrong to pretend you're dying by making out with a famous rock star, which is something I think we can all relate too.

Also in this episode, Nicki is a hypocrite, Screech does the most awful Hans and Frans impersonation ever for absolutely no reason at all, Mikey and Milo barely register, and there is a ridiculously long performance of an entire made-up pop song by Stevie that I guess was in case the editors at Tiger Beat had a subscription to The Disney Channel. Or had a friend who could tape it.

Today's Quote

Miss Bliss: What do you think it was that sustained the pioneers through their darkest times?

Screech: Night lights?

Most Implausible Moment

So, when Zack's lie is exposed, Stevie, with no explanation at all, picks Screech to be the hunk she sings her song to. I guess at JFK being a dork is just one step above having a terminal illness on the ol' pathetic-o-meter.

Poor nerds.

Old People Are SO Square! Watch

Mr. Belding: "Lay it upon me! I'm hip!"

Come on Bopper, you can do better than that!

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch (Extended Collector's Edition)

Screech: "Guess my new toothpaste finally works!"

-AND-

Nicki: "You kissed her poster you pervert!"

-AND-

Stevie: "Help! There's a kid trying to get me to autograph his fly collection!"

-AND (hitting it out of the park)-

Miss Bliss: "Zack, I'll take as much of that action as I can get."

Class Rings

2005-03-23T16:45:00.000-05:00

So, this episode has one thing going against it ( SO MUCH TORI!) and one major thing for it (SO MUCH GEM DIAMOND!), so, all in all, we break even. In today's episode, Mr Belding gives Zack yet another responsibility that he will mess up due to scamming. Hypothetically, this leads to comedy if you define hypothetically as "a thing which is not true". So it's all, Get class rings Zack! You did? Yay! Oh wait you blew it? We're mad at you Zack! Oh wait, you fixed it with a contrived scam that would never actually work? You're forgiven Zack! Et cetera and so on and so forth. Also, a subplot involving Screech and Tori where who cares go away Tori!

Also in this episode, an appearance from Maxwell the rich nerd who always refers to his babes and is amazing, The Amazing Zondo meats his maker, Lisa is SO grumpy (what is wrong Lisa?), and also GEM DIAMOND the sleazy ring salesman (PUNS!) who dresses like your "ironic" friend dressed at prom and is totally like Nathan Lane in every way which is probably not a good thing except today it is!

Today's Quote

Screech: Oh no! Did you get a hickey from a Martian?

Most Implausible Moment

How can a dude as muscular as AC Slater be so freaking bad at playing a tough guy? It's like Woody Allen mixed with Elton John with balloons in his shirt.

And seriously, what was wrong with Lisa today? It's like she suddenly realized she's on some kind of crappy sitcom or something!

Create Your Own Context Watch

Create your own context for the following quote:

Gem Diamond: If I told her once, I told her a hundred times - Ma, don't put the Greco-Roman 3000 in the display case!

PUNS! Watch:

Mr Belding: "Who wants to be in charge? Sort of like the ring leader. HAH-ha!"

Comedy 101 Watch

Today's lesson: The Ol' Switcheroo

Screech: "Ah, an open relationship, eh? I can dig it. I'm sophisticated. When should I have my mom pick you up?"

Hahaha! You see what they did there? They got an A+!

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "Guess who, my leather angel..."

The Will

2005-03-22T16:45:00.000-05:00

So, today, it is Mr. Belding's sad duty to report that revolutionary underwear innovator and Bayside graduate Frederick Field has left his mortal coil. But, proving the old adage re: silver linings, Bayside's favorite dead alum has left $10,000 to the school.

What is to be done with such a financial windfall? New books? Aid to underprivileged students? Comedy writers under 50-years-old? A second hallway? Nope, this money shall go to the most noble of enterprises, the most vaunted of institutions: high school athletics!

But this is Bayside after all, and what is Bayside without a hackneyed and implausible BATTLE OF THE SEXES which results in AN ELABORATE SERIES OF CONTESTS and STEVE WANTING TO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE!

Also in this episode: people walking into lockers (not once but twice!), ridiculous and embarrassing chants/raps ("We bad, we know it; We bad, we showed it"), LIMBO SLATER!, and pineapple upside-down cake, which is famous for being the cake that only exists on television! Hooray!

Today's Quote

Slater: Yeah, the football team is starting to feel the budget crunch too. We're starting to use fat nerds as tackling dummies.

Oh Slater. Oh my.

Most Implausible Moment

The entire premise of this episode makes me want to take out my brain, wash it in a weak bleach solution, and allow it to dry in the sun. Maybe then I shall be clean again.

What is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater: "Excuse me ladies, but this victory train is pulling into the station. One more win and this ride is O-VAH! Choo-choo!"

Seriously Slater? What is wrong with you?

PUNS! Watch

Two today!

Mr. Belding: "One of Bayside's favorite graduates, Frederick Field, passed away yesterday..."

Ox: "Hey hey! Did he invent the football field?"

While maybe not technically a pun, that surely fits all the technical specifications for AWESOME.

-AND-

Mr Belding: "Everything you need to bake a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake is on your respective tables. So, pick your chef and let's see what's cooking! HAH-ha!"

Oh Mr B, thank you. Thank you so much.

ZINGER! Watch

Zack: "I was thinking about that dance on Friday - what time should I pick you up?"

Tori: "Oh how about a quarter to never!"

Hahahaha! "0/4=0" Zack! Hahahaha!

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "I guess those are soft-boiled balls."

The Substitute

2005-03-21T17:17:00.000-05:00

It looks like I'll be eating lunch at home for the next two weeks, so back to the old SBTB grindstone. And look what we've found today:

Uh-oh, Miss Simpson's back is out due to an old hockey injury (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't play hockey Saved by the Bell!). You know what this means! No, not cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble. Well, actually, yes, cruel jokes aimed at the elderly, deaf and feeble, but also substitute teacher extraordinaire, Handsome Dan TONY CRANE! It seems the girls of Bayside have fallen for this Shakespearean stud, and who can blame them? Sometimes he dresses like a pirate and all the time he wears bright white socks with loafers, just like their grandfathers!

Also in this episode, Miss Simpson on a skateboard (Hahahaha! Old ladies don't ride skateboards Saved by the Bell!), a bit where they do that tooth sparkle effect where I actually laughed, Slater and Zack offer the pinky swear as the default teenage form of contractual agreement, and there's this actress named Vicki who does that awesome pan-European accent that you only hear in sitcoms! Is she German? French? Italian? Stop, you're all right!

And you know what Saved by the Bell? You're all right too.

Today's Quote

Slater: It's gonna get worse Preppie. I've seen this in other schools I've been to: some smooth talkin' teacher comes in, and, before you know it, he's taken our women.

Screech: He's gonna take our mothers?!

Man, where did Slater go to school? Roman Polanski Junior High? Jerry Lee Lewis Elementary? The Rob Lowe Middle School?

Ha! I got a million of 'em!

Most Implausible Moment

Well, looking past Miss Simpson (period) and all the nonsense with the actress, I'm going to highlight this little gem:

Jessie: "When he looked at me during the fire drill, the smoke detectors went off."

This is one of those sentences that, at first glance, appears to make sense, but, the more you think about, the more you realize that it is absolutely, ludicrously, beautifully nonsensical. Is there word for that? If not, allow me to suggest one: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Slaterism.

Comedy 101 Watch

Today's lesson: How to make the handicapped work for you.

Mr. Belding: "Miss Simpson, did your back go out again?"

Miss Simpson: "No no. My back went out again!"

Hahaha! A+!

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Zack: Teenage girls are suckers for the great poets, like Jon Bon Jovi, Axel Rose, and Jazzy Jeff..."

Wait a second. When was Jazzy Jeff famous?

Theatre of the Absurd Watch

Woman on Loudspeaker: "Mr Belding, please report to the gymnasium. Tiny Hartwick is stuck in the net again."

Mr Belding: "I told them to stop using him as a volleyball."

Geez. How small is this kid?

OK, remember to check in every afternoon for the next two weeks! There'll be something here I bet.

The Mamas and The Papas

2005-02-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

I went home for lunch today, so you know what that means. Yes, hot dogs, but also Saved by the Bell!

So, in today's episode, Bayside plays Noah's Ark and the students are separated two by two. It's "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" minus Four for a total of Six! What?

That's right, it's the "Make Pretend You're Married" unit in Bayside’s Not-Specific Ed. class, so let's pair us some teens. According to Mr. B, couples are matched alphabetically, so Zack goes with Kelly, Slater goes with Jessie, Screech goes with Lisa, and wait a second that doesn't make any sense at all.

Also, in this episode, Lisa develops a narratively convenient allergy to Screech that gives her a chance to twitch and scratch and ACT, Lisa has one of those trademarked early SBTB dreams where Screech's head is superimposed on everything in her room, and surrealist master Luis Buñuel makes a surprise directing cameo in the last 2 minutes, orchestrating a Freudian-influenced scene in which Kelly and Zack prepare to "dine" on their "child" Screech, whose head is offered to them on a platter. In a moment clearly influenced by Buñuel's experiences with lucid dreaming, Screech's head ends up cloaked in a wig and bonnet, becoming a crying baby girl.

Today's Quote

Jessie: Haven't you ever heard of the women's movement?

Slater: Sure, put on somethin' cute and move it into the kitchen.

Most Implausible Moment

The main six characters participate in the marriage project alone, while the rest of the class sits on the side and takes notes. Is it just me or does Bayside seem to be putting all of its educatin' eggs in these six rather dim-looking baskets?

Christo Watch

Slater (as Screech writes Lisa's name in toothpaste on a bathroom mirror): "Screech, what are you doing with that toothpaste?"

Screech: "I'm making a symbolic statement - Lisa's giving me the brush!"

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Screech (to Mr. Belding): "If the girls say no, will you be my Daddy?"

The Fabulous Belding Brother

2004-09-03T16:44:00.000-04:00

Sorry to say, this IS THE VERY LAST Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day for the summer. Thanks to everybody for reading these - I hope you had as much fun as I did! I could put these somewhere on the site so they last forever. Is there interest in that?

Anyway, on with the show:

So today the class is going on a class trip to Yosemite Sam National Park with Mr. Belding! That is, only if they all can pass mean Mr. Dickerson's History midterm! Not only is this test hard (it seems to cover all of history from AT LEAST the US Civil War to World War 1 and no one has passed it in 3 years!) - Mr. Dickerson's spirit can detach from his physical body and enter text books, Magic Johnson posters, and even TV's (where he is prone to rapping)!

Conveniently for the gang and the plot, Mr. Dickerson has an unexplained off-camera nervous breakdown all of sudden and the studly but irresponsible (how is that combination possible?) Rod Belding subs for him! This gives Mr. Belding a chance to ACT which makes me giddy.

Then there is nonsense and white water rafting and CPR and Slater in the most ridiculously skimpy outdoorswear I have ever seen! Seriously, he looks he got fired from the "Great Outdoors Spectacular" at Chippendale's for dressing too flamboyantly. So awesome. Plus, we learn that Zack pronunces of the word stewardess in this super weird way (stew-ard-ESS) that has cracked me up since I was twelve.

Today's Quote

Screech: "I don't need a girl to keep me warm. Mom's packed three pairs of long johns - with a padlock on the trap to keep the bears out!

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

I'm SO glad we're ending with this, my personnal favorite Saved by the Bell Quote of all time:

Screech: Wow! A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding!

Most Implausible Moment

Rod Belding is a dream of implausibility. Nothing about him is plausible for even a second - he's that amazing. He should have had his own implausible spin-off.

Fat Nerd SWITCHEROO Watch:

What'd they do with Alan? Who's this Milton character?

Milton: "I think we should visit the Hershey Chocolate Factory!"

Zack: "Fat chance, Milton!"*

*That one can also be filed under "PUNS! Watch".

Milton: "Let's go to the Hostess Museum. I hear they have a great Ding-Dong exhibit!"

Zack: "You're a Ding-Dong, Milton."

See, we can't even pretend Alan said these cuz Zack keeps saying Milton STOP SAYING MILTON ZACK!

"Fade-In to Mid-Story" Watch

Rod: "...so I said to the head of the airline, 'Find another Vice-President. I want my summers off to follow my dreams.'"

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr. Belding: "It looks like they were making out to me!"

And with that ladies and gentlemen, I'm outta here!

Fake I.D.s

2004-09-02T16:43:00.000-04:00

Clever title there, Saved by the Bell. So today, the gang makes fake IDs. This is really easy for them because they take a photography class, which trains them in exactly 5% of the skills they would need to make a fake ID. Luckily, the gang at Bayside don't want fake IDs for the reason the rest of the teenage world wants them (ie to get drunk without having to ask that creepy guy's older brother). They want them TO DANCE!

Additionally, some how I must not have been paying attention, because between Tuesday and today, Kelly has dumped Zack for Mr. Jeffrey I. Datehighschoolgirls and Zack has already forgiven them and moved on! But uh-oh, because Kelly is just one high school girl and Jeff likes to buy in bulk. Who can blame these girls? I mean, a 20-something diner waiter who dates 16 year-olds. What a catch!

Also in this episode, Mr. B. teaches photography because otherwise he would not be in this episode and he's under contract, Screech dances with a schitzo man-woman named Reggie, and Slater wears a bolo tie! A bolo tie!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding (showing slides): This is Mrs. B. at Seaworld.

Kelly: Why is she eating raw fish?

Mr. Belding: That. Is. Not. Mrs. B. That's Shamu! The whale!

Most Implausible Moment

I love how they show Screech making fake ID's by having him sit in front of a developing tray, using the tongs to push something around.

"...and then I just place the paper into the magic elixir, move it around, and PRESTO! Fake ID's for everybody!"

Awesome!

Also, I love how Zack pretends to be in college by starting every conversation, "Hey isn't college great?!" Man, that's how I used to score in college too!

Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Screech: "You know Slater, through this lens, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rainforest!"

Slater: "If you don't get that camera out of my face, I'm going to have the natives come out and eat you!"

Wait a second. Slater is going to have his boogers eat Screech?

What?

PUNS! Watch

Mr Belding: "Now that you've all taken a lot of pictures, let's see what's developed! HA-ha!"

The James Lipton Subtle Moment of ACTING! Watch

Mrs Morris comes into Zack's room, whistles "Puff the Magic Dragon, unroles a "Peter, Paul and Mary" poster, and says, "He'll like this."

Brilliant!

How'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Kelly: "Hey, I'll be OK after a few minutes of screamin' in the ladies room."

The Wicked Stepbrother

2004-09-01T16:43:00.000-04:00

Man, TBS! Are you all kinds of stupid? Why air Part One of this two-part epsiode today and not run Part Two tomorrow? I think you're drunk a lot and it is affecting your work.

So, today, I noticed something. Saved by the Bell has what could be the rosiest and most optimistic view of human nature this side of Michael Landon. In Bayside, everybody (that is, everybody who isn't from Valley) is deep down a good person who is basically decent and honest and an all-around good citizen. Sure, they make mistakes, and sometimes they lie and scam, but the wrong-doers always see the err of their ways and make amends.

This is why "bad" characters on Saved by the Bell are always SO awesome! The writers are simply incapable of imagining someone who is just a dick, plain and simple. Enter, Eric, the blackmailing prick who is really just a nice guy who misses New York! And the lamb shall lie with the lion...

So, in today's episode, Jessie's Mom gets married (which we were expecting because of all the time the show sent setting this up to make it convincing), and her step-brother is mean and from New York. We know he's from New York because he is rugged and tough and wears a lot of leather and denim. This is also how we know he is a cowboy and in a motorcycle gang I think. Additionally, there's scamming and blackmail and Judaism and cars and video tapes and cassette tapes and the worst Humphrey Bogart impression ever.

Today's Quote

Zack: I think you should have your head checked for bumps.

Screech: Why? All five are here.

Most Implausible Moment

So today Zack employs his Time Out function. This is when Zack all of a sudden gets a super power to freeze time and explain his complicated plans to us, the simpletons of TV land.

Now, an entire television show (Out of This World) was built on the premise that the teenage star had this very power. They went at great pains to explain its origins (her Mom boffed an alien) and to show the hillarious consequences that could stem from its use.

Whereas, on Saved by the Bell, Zack's ability to freeze time is taken as a given and is ONLY used for exposition. What a responsible young man!

These Boots Are Made For Walkin' Watch

On toilet seats:

Zack: "Actually, she's right. Girls can fall in if they're not careful."

Screech: "Then toilets should have seatbelts!"

Lisa: "And your mouth should have an airbag."

Airbag? Mouth? What does that mean?

Nerds Rights Watch

Zack: "What are you doing? Your locker's downstairs with the nerds."

Student lockers are distributed by coolness? I guess that's a way to do it...

Who'd This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: "There's a gopher trying to burrow in my underwear!"

Snow White and the Seven Dorks

2004-08-31T16:43:00.000-04:00

So, today the gang does a rapping version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for the Bayside School Musical. If that sounds lame, that's because it was. Additionally, Zack and Jessie think they're in love cuz they made out, so then they make out again just to make sure they are not. I volunteer for a similar test with Kirsten Dunst. You know, just to be sure.

Probably the only highlights today were the constant stream of wince-inducing rapping and a veritable orgy of dancing nerds. Plus, an appearence by star of TV's Webster and frequent 80's game show guest Henry Polic II! That's got to count for something.

Today's Quote

Jessie: It's personnal, Mr. Belding.

Mr Belding: I'm a person!

Most Implausible Moment

From what we've seen, this year's Bayside school musical clocks in at under 2 minutes. I hope they had plenty of orange drink in the lobby!

Gratuitous Teen Slang Watch

Rapped:

Kelly: "Mirror mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all?"

Lisa: "Brace yourself queenie this news is bad, Snow White is now a lot more rad."

Nerd Name Watch

Seven Dorks: Dweeby, Nerdy, Geeky, Slimey, Shlumpy, Dumpy, and Norman.

Man, thank god my name's not Norman. Ouch.

Create Your Own Context Watch

Create your own context for the following quote:

Zack: "Don't raise your tail, dear. It's just the badgers."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Zack: "Why don't we make the dwarves tall blonde chicks and put them in bikinis?"

Slater: "Hey I'm all for that! Hi-ho hi-ho!"

Jessie's Song

2004-08-30T16:42:00.000-04:00

This is easily THE single best episode of Saved by the Bell, and quite probably one of the most enthralling half-hours of sitcomery ever put to video tape. Anybody who disagrees can keep it to themselves, because I make it a point not to argue with crazy people and boy would you have to be crazy to disagree on this!

So, in today's episode, Jessie takes some caffine pills whose effects are seem to be similar to those of PCP mixed with paint thinner and peyote and probably a little more PCP.

Also, in this episode, EVERYTHING! There is Screech in drag in the girls locker room doing the worst Irish accent ever, there is SO MUCH singing and dancing and a professional music video, there is Mr. Freaking Dewey, there is a silly dream sequence that involves the Dew-man and Mr. Belding dressed as surfers, and there is a MESSAGE ABOUT OVER-THE-COUNTER DRUGS WHICH ARE A REAL SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Man, the only things missing are Slater drumming, Kevin the Robot, and Alan the Fat Nerd, but come on people this show is only 30 minutes long!

Today's Quote

Lisa (to Screech): Why don't you go to the boy's locker room and flush yourself to China?

Bayside's plumming goes to China. How does that work?

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Jessie: Time? TIME??! There's never any time! I don't have time to study! I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused

Zack: Everything will be all right, just calm down, OK?

Jessie: You're right! Everything will be OK. I just need one of these!

Zack: Pills?? You mean you really are taking drugs?!

Jessie: I need them! I need them Zack I HAVE TO SING!

Zack: Jessie! You can't sing tonight!

Jessie: Yes I can! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO ... (sob) .... SCARED! (Cries)

Zack: Jessie, hey don't be scared. Listen, we'll get through this. Remember that time when we snuck out to see ET, riding home on our bikes, it was so dark - we were scared. C'mon.

Holy. Hot. Crap.

Most Implausible Moment

Well, there's a rapid drug addiction to over-the-counter caffine pills that manifests itself in totally unbelievable insane behavior and then the addict recovers over the course of like five minutes. So I'm going to say, Zack's dad knows a record producer? C'mon.

Remember the 90's?! Watch

Zack: "He's a record producer and he's looking for a girl group like New Kids on the Block!"

Slater: "Yeah, New Chicks on the Block."

Jessie: "Thank you, New Pig in the Booth."

Mr. Dewey: "Study hard, I'm off to my try-outs for American Gladiators."

Awesome Girl Group Names Watch

1. Hot Sundae

2. Buns on the Run

3. Spiked Earlobes

4. Zit Hit Machine

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Dewey: "Jessie, a 'C'."

Jessie: "A 'C'? A 'C'??!"

Mr. Dewey: "Si, Seniorita, but this is Geometry not Spanish!"

Screech: "'Zit Hit Machine'? Sounds like a break-out group."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Do I have to wear you Aunt Helen's bra again?"

And remember kids:

Slater: "Those pills are dangerous."

Jessie: "Yeah? Well so's Geometry!"

Jessie:YEAHWE'LLBEGREATWE'LLBEAWESOMEWE'LLKNOCKEMDEAD!RIGHT?RIGHT?YEAH!

Slater's Friend

2004-08-27T16:42:00.000-04:00

Back to reality today, with this touching episode dealing with death and bereavement. It seems Slater had this chameloen, Artie, and they were friends but chameleons are mortal so he died. Also, subterfuge - because Zack does not lie only to get out of trouble or get chicks; he also lies to avoid conflict and pain. I'm beginning to think that Zack may have sort of pathology.

Also in this episode, Coach Rizzo is introduced and then squandered. Yo Bayside, if youse is gonna have a dumb talkin' New Yawk mook, you gotta make every frickin' woid outta his mouth a malapropism! Oddawise, why boddah?! The whole thing smacks of missed opportunity.

Oh and also there's this really crazy scene where Slater is dressed as a Lizard, Mr. B is dressed as a Texas highway patrolman, and Kelly is on a giant frying pan with eggs on it doing that "one-foot-down-oucherz-other-foot-down" this-is-really-hot thing. Bravo.

Today's Quote

Artie's Song: Oh Artie boy, the bugs, the bugs are buzzing.

There's gnats and ants, mosquitoes on the fly.

And there'll be time for breakfast, lunch and dinner,

In that big chameleon banquet in the sky.

It is ridiculous how big a deal they make out of the fact the Artie eats bugs. It's non-stop.

Most Implausible Moment

All in all, a fairly plausible episode. So, if I have to come up with something: Why couldn't Artie go to San Diego with Slater? I mean, he's fairly mobile in that shoebox, supposedly he's already travelled around the world with Slater, and it's not like he's a big old dog or something. So I don't buy that, I guess.

Coach Rizzo's Malapropism Watch

Only one (what a waste)!

Coach Rizzo: "Our next public talker..."

PUNS! Watch

They really come through here, though:

Zack: "He's probably bored stiff."

Screech: "Now he's stiff as a board!"

Hahaha! See what they did there?

Slater: "Artie's a real sound sleeper. When he's out, he's dead to the world."

Zack: "He looks exactly like Artie, huh?"

Screech: "Yeah, he's a dead ringer."

Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind

2004-08-26T16:42:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or are these first season episodes unecessarily outlandish? I mean, so far, we've had brainwashing, a remarkably effective acne cream that (except for an extremly short-lived side effect) would revolutionize dermatology forever, a fully functional example of artificial intelligence, and now, today, we get a radio station coming in through Screech's fillings and UFO's? Let's rein it in here, folks - I'm starting to appreciate the later episodes, where the most outlandish thing that happens at Bayside is a visit from Brandon Tartikoff.

So, today, OOPS broke the video camera that took Bayside two years to get (they should stop wasting all ther money on professionally printed plastic heart and such). Wait, $1500 in the National Babbler for an alien picture? Weren't we shooting an alien movie? Isn't Screech a weirdo? The reporter is really a Lieutenant in the United States Air Force looking into UFO's! Time to break out all the Screech masks that are really Larry from the Three Stooges masks (no wonder this school can't afford a new video camera if they're issuing every student a Screech/Larry mask)!

Also today, Jessie dresses like a Mexican lady from the Three Amigos and calls herself Maria Tortilla and says things like, "Buenos Nachos." Plus Screech does one of those wonderful "takes-off-mask-to-show real-human-face-then-takes-off real-human-face-as-if-it-were-a-mask-to-reveal-what-really-is-a-mask" takes that are a hallmark of great comedy. And, on second thought, those Larry masks look more like Steven Wright than Screech or Larry.

Todays Quote

Screech: Zack, do they wear underwear in heaven?

Most Implausible Moment

Zack's lie to Mr. Belding:

Zack: "You heard of Batman? Well Jessie played Batmamasita."

That doesn't even sort of make sense and is the dumbest lie ever I think.

Also, that the whole radio and Air Force thing. That was pretty implausible.

PUNS! Watch

Mr. Belding's Secretary (where is her office, exactly): "Mr. Belding, please report to the gym. The water polo team has a horse in the pool again."

Mr. Belding: "Kids love horseplay! HA-ha!"

"Remeber the 90's?!" Watch

Jessie (as teacher in the movie): "After the battle, one of the greatest speeches in American History was made by President Pee Wee Herman."

Phunny Phony Ad Watch

The best radio ad ever (from Screech's mouth): "For country eatin' there's no beatin' 'Billy Joe Bob's House O' Possum!'"

I can think of about three different reasons why that is so awesome (hint: one of them is because of PUNS).

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "It's kind of neat except when a big guy held me up to his ear and tried to shove his cassette in my mouth."

The Zack Tapes

2004-08-25T16:41:00.000-04:00

Man, this one is a tour de force! It's "Give Someone Your Plastic Heart With Your Name Professionally Prinited On It and It Means You Are Going to The Dance Together" Week at Bayside. Coincidentally, it is also the week where Miss. Wentworth teaches her Subliminal Advertising lesson in whatever subject it is that you learn Subliminal Advertising (Health?). Plus, the new Bo Revere (that may be my favorite made up rock star name ever) tape is out. It only has one song, and seems to be recorded on a box of Memorex or Zenith blank tapes, but man that song is rockin'. As Mr. B says, it's radical!

Also in this episode, nerds Edgar, Wendell, and Alan (his last name is Fairbanks! We learn that today!) make it with some babes. I tell you what, these nerds at Bayside, marginalized as they are, they do pretty good with the ladies. Plus, Max has a spinning bow tie which is so sweet, Screech dresses in drag and calls himself Barbara Bush, and Lisa wears the most incredible cow print denim vest and jeans combo is the history of cow print denim vest and jeans combos.

Today's Quote

Mr Belding: Zack, I'm not a straw - don't suck up.

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Zack's Subliminal Message: Zack Morris is the kind of boy every girl dreams of. Great looking, smart, and funny - yes, that's Zack Morris. Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise. Zack Morris is a ten. Zack Morris is perfect in every way.

Most Implausible Moment

Miss Wentworth totally lies about an election in Italy where they put subliminal messages in the pizza commercials. That never happened! What kind of teacher is this lady?

"Lisa And Her Amazing Pet Names" Watch

Lisa: "Don't toy with me, my Manly Mustang!"

Lisa: "You're just jealous! Tigerman is a great catch!"

Lisa: "I thought Screech was my Prince of Passion, but it's you, the Z-Man."

And the coup de grâce

Lisa: "Not my Screechy, he's the Buffest Bronco on Earth!"

Beauty and the Screech

2004-08-24T16:41:00.000-04:00

Kelly falls for Screech? He must be good at science or something. All in all, this episode is pretty stupid. Thank God for Kevin the Robot! I swear, he's like chocolate syrup - he can make anything good.

Also in this episode, one redeeming scene where Lisa, Jessie, Zack and Slater all dream at the same time (how does that work?) about a world where nerds are cool. Here's the funny part, Zack and Slater are nerds. So, basically, in world where nerds are cool, Zack and Slater would STILL get the hot girls, so IT WOULD BE EXACTLY THE SAME WORLD. The only difference is Kelly has pizza on her head, because for some reason in this world lame throw-away jokes actually become rules.

Today's Quote

Kevin: [The pictures] are for Robot Illustrated. I'm hunk of the month!

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope!

Screech: Who are you calling a cantaloupe you melonhead?!

Hahahaha! That joke still breaks me up. Honestly.

Most Implausible Moment

Screech, go to the friggin' beach or the George Michael concert! Kelly Kapowski wants to make it with you! [Steve kicks TV, slowly crumbles onto floor, sobs silently.]

ALF/Gorbachev Watch

Screech: "Tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF."

President Bush to press (subtitles): Kelly and Screech? Way to go Screech!"

Gorbachev to Nancy Reagan (subtitles): "Kellinski drava Screechnick?!!"

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Every ice cream cone has its last lick, Kelly. This is ours."

Hot.

Pinned to the Mat

2004-08-23T16:41:00.000-04:00

So, TBS tried to confound us by rerunning the same run of episodes twice in one month! What is wrong with them? Luckily for us, I've been saving episodes in the Supercable for a rainy day (God bless you, Supercable). I have enough for this week, though we may be in trouble next week. Cross your fingers.

So, without further adieu:

I have two words for you: Marvin. Nedick. NEDICK!

Today, Slater is afraid of becoming an over-the-hill pro-wrestler so he takes up cooking because that is what you do I guess. But, look-out Slater, 'cuz Zack bet his non-existant dirt bike against Valley warlord Marvin Nedick's so I bet there will be a scam. There is.

And did I mention that Nedick is so awesome. He looks and acts exactly like every kind-of-fat tough dude moron in high schools across this great land! In fact, I went to high school with about 5 Nedicks. I bet they all had sweet dirt bikes too!

NEDICK!

Also in this episode, the silliest cooking class ever with a crazy teacher who sings the ingredients and shakes her breasts (no joke) and that is so weird. Oh and OH, there is this amazing dream sequence where the students come back to the Max for a reunion (and for some reason Mr. Belding gives them something that looks like a diploma. A diploma for what? Reunioning?) and Screech is a supercool astronaut, Mr. Belding has Lisa's name on his butt, AND Slater dresses like Hulk Hogan and it is so good I want to cry!

Today's Quote

Marvin Nedick: Come Friday, I'm going to be riding something in the dirt - either your bike or your face!

Most Implausible Moment

When Zack pits Screech against Nedick to guilt Slater into wrestling, one is left to wonder: Doesn't this wrestling team have a coach?

Hope and Crosby Watch

Mr. Belding: "Now what is it like in space?"

Screech: "Far out. Have a Mars Bar."

Mr. Belding: "Is there really life on Mars?"

Screech: "No. All the good clubs close at 9."

Hahahahaha!

Slater's Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Slater: "Why have a litter of preppies when you can have a bunch of stud-muffins like me?"

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Mr. Belding: "...and that's how I became the Flo Jo of principals."

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Lisa: "Move over Calvin - it's time for my name to be on everyone's butt."

The Baby Sitters

2004-08-20T16:41:00.000-04:00

So, today Kelly's parents are trapped at a Ski Lodge and because they don't mind leaving 7 kids (including an infant) home without adult supervision, Kelly finds herself in a pickle - she has to take care of her infant brother Billy! That's a big uh-oh cuz, for reasons that there was simply not enough time to explain, babies are not allowed in Bayside even if it's an emergency and the baby would probably die. No babies. Oh and oops it's yearbook picture day and nobody wants to have a baby in their yearbook picture and look out 'cuz Kelly broke her arm off screen. That must mean it's time for subterfuge and cover-ups and puns. Oh the wonderful puns. Brothers and sisters, wait until you see these puns.

Also today, a Keystone Cops style sped-up search scene (Keystone Cops style sped up scenes always being that mark of good taste and class) that is incredible and goes like this.

(At 2x speed and to old timey music) Lisa, Slater and Screech are going into lockers. I assume they will come out of the same locker they went into. WHAT? They all came out of different lockers? What is going on? Slater's going into a locker. WHAT? Lisa is coming out of that same locker? How is this possible? Wait, Screech is going into a locker, surely he'll - HUH? He's in the garbage can? Has the entire world turned topsy-turvy???

Awesome.

Today's Quote

PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zack: Oh no, French class. Look, whatever you do, don't go "oui oui", OK?

-OR-

Zack: Kelly sure picked a great time to break her arm.

Screech: I guess those are the breaks.

-OR-

Slater (on diaper changing): ...then we get umbrellas because we don't want to be given a baby shower.

-OR-

Kelly: Something tells me you haven't changed that much.

Zack: Oh yeah? (In baby talk) I changed him 38 times, didn't I? Yes I did.

38 times? That kid should probably see a doctor.

-AND, THE WINNER-

Mr Belding: Your attention pleaase, this is your Principal, Mr. Belding. Yearbook pictures are being taken in the library. Chess club - it's your move. Insect club - you go in five minutes, so stop bugging me. HAH-ha!

Glorious.

Most Implausible Moment

Getting out of trouble by convincing Mr. Belding he's senile? So lame.

"These Boots Were Made For Walking" Watch

It's nice to see that a progressive school like Bayside still has a girls-only Home Economics class where they teach young girls important things like how to hold a baby, etc.

All the trig in the world ain't gonna change that diaper, ladies!

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Slater: "I've got a ding-dong in my gym bag."

Ick.

The Friendship Bracelet

2004-08-19T16:40:00.000-04:00

TBS seems to trying out some sort of experiment in postmodern non-chronological narrative here, because today we jump in the Wayback machine leaving the dreadful and useless Tori in our dust. Good-bye, earnest biker-girl! Hello Mr Tuttle and Alan!

Today, resident jack-of-all-trades Mr. Tuttle is teaching business or economics or something where there's an excuse for students to be running a business and fighting and everything. The consumer is the winner here, as we get a surfer business ("The Fold N' Surf"), a nerd business ("Pocket Protector Protectors"), and that bit of braided nylon that sets the world afire: The Friendship Bracelet/Buddy Band! "Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated..."

Also in this episode, an amazingly over-produced video advertisement for Buddy Bands (my my, that $100 start-up capital goes a long way in Bayside) with Slater, Kelly and Jessie, and boy oh boy Slater just dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances! I really just can't get enough of that. Plus, Mr. B pumps iron, oh and Screech does the worst Robin Leech ever for absolutely no reason!

Today's Quote

Mr Tuttle: There's room for similar products in the marketplace, Mr. Morris. Look at Pepsi and Coke, Avis amd Hertz...

Screech: Bologna and Whipped Cream!

Most Implausible Moment

Honestly, how did three high school students get a professionally choreographed and edited video produced overnight? Even one that sucks this bad would take at least a full day. Sheesh!

Alan Watch

Mr. Tuttle: "Mr. Poindexter, do you really believe in this product?"

Edgar Poindexter: "Yes we do."

Alan: "We do. When do we eat?"

Man, that fat kid is so awesome.

"Slater and His Strange Hypotheticals" Watch

Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."

I seriously cannot imagine a scenerio where that could possibly make sense.

"How'd This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."

We've all been there, Slater.

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Screech: "The fifth richest man in the world."

Zack: "Fourth! I just bought Bill Cosby."

To do what, Zack?

Jessie: "Mr. Morris, President Bush called - he wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev*. And Vice President Quayle broke his when he tried to put it over his head."

Hahahaha! Satire!

* This is getting ridiculous - it's like a Gorbachev reference an episode. At least this time it's not about the damn birthmark.

Day of Dentention

2004-08-18T16:40:00.000-04:00

Political unrest and cynicism permeates this sharp criticism of industrialist capitalism. More than anything else, the students (the workers) of Bayside dream of escape from their dreary lives. When one idyllic dreamer (Zack Morris) hears on the government sponsored radio of a chance to escape to the famed Utopian world of Ha-wa-ii, he desperately plots to win the contest. Mr. Belding (the Ogliarchical Manager), realizing that escape would undermine his entire social system and bring his already teetering empire to collapse, imprisons not only Zack but all of Zack's known associates (deemed "co-conspirators" by this corrupt court of one).

Zack's frequent attempts at escape symbolize the power of hope and the resiliancy of the human spirit against seemingly impossible odds. But in a profoundly pessimistic and cynical twist, Zack ends up coming within inches of success, failing to answer the one question which will lead to his freedom (a question concerning a Bonsai Tree, which we'll remember, Mr. Belding has symbolically reduced to a stump earlier in the narrative). When the contest's prize ends up in the hands of Mr Belding himself, the viewer realizes that escape for Zack was always impossible, for it was attempted through the very system the Managerial class controls.

Was the government-sponsored "contest" just a sham, put in place to keep the working class dreaming of a brighter future that will never come? Or was it specifically engineered to root out dissidents such as Zack, to crush them under the iron heel of the system before they can create any real discontent? The answer is deliberately left ambiguous, but, as Mr. Belding takes Zack back to prison, the ultimate message is crushing, desolate, and profound.

Also, Screech is Christ maybe.

Today's Quote

Upon finding Slater sprawled out on the stairs, feigning injury:

Ox: Oh no! Belding hit him!

Most Implausible Moment

Yet again, Screech dresses up like Zack in order to fake out a stranger.

Hey Screech: DJ Rappin' Ken Kelly HAS NO IDEA WHAT ZACK LOOKS LIKE!

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Bonsai" a Japanese practice? And isn't Hawaii not Japan?

Screech on the Ancient Art of Bonsai

Screech: "Too much foliage on the left-hand side symbolizes flabby emotions - it means you're a namby-pamby!

Screech: "Thin is in - it's bonsai, not Sumo Wrestling!"

"Those Nerds and Their Orthodonture" Watch

Nerd: "Excuse me please - I have to call my Orthodontist."

Cream for a Day

2004-08-17T16:39:00.000-04:00

Ah, the acne cream episode. Zit Away, Beldasil, Obviously Whiped Cream and toothpaste: call it by any name and it is still is wonder and a blessing and a wonder.

Today, a chemistry experiment blows up in Screech's face (literally! Hahahaha!) which is an experience I'm sure every one who's been in a sitcom can relate to. Does it burn his flesh? Give him super powers? Nope, it demolishes blemishes in a matter of hours (the underlying science behind such a physiological miracle is, as I'm sure you've assumed, explained ad naseum - if ad nauseum means not at all). Unintential side effect - maroon blotchy rashes. Oh, also comedy!

Also today, we find out that Bayside hasn't beaten Valley at football in 23 years and that is probably because their star quarterback is a freshman and Slater. Also, CRATERFACE COBURN! That kid should have been a regular.

Zack: "Give 'em some I.D., Charles."

Craterface: "(Loud "Revenge of the Nerds"-style laugh.)"

Brilliant.

Today's Quote

Jessie (giving Valley's cheer): We won I'm sure we won get re-al like forever is the deal.

Man, somebody wrote that.

Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

After a truly spectacular rap by Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie (so far, the whole gang has rapped at least once, with Slater going twice with today's human beat-box debacle), the famed Bayside school cheer. Sing along, kids:

Everybody: Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Bee-buh-bee-buh-buh-beat! Go Bayside!!!!!!!

Most Implausible Moment

Lisa (to Kelly): "How is anyone going to find out you wear a retainer?"

Nerd: "Wanna join our Retainer Club?!"

C'mon. A Retainer Club?

C'mon.

"Remember the 90's?!" Watch

Screech: "My worst nightmare has come true!"

Zack: "You found out ALF* was a puppet?"

Screech: "He is?"

Screech: "It could do wonders for Gorbachev*!"

Zack: "Sort of like an Acne Glasnost."

And, the pièce de résistance:

Craterface: "Jason Bateman's not on the $10 bill!"

* What is with all the ALF and Gorbachev's head stuff? Seriously?

Also:

Dancin' to the Max

2004-08-16T16:39:00.000-04:00

Today, Bayside gets served, as the students dance at the command of one Casey Kasem. "Two will enter, one will leave," bellows Casey, as the ruthless Applause-O-Meter determines the fate of our heroes. Who will survive? The Spandex Twins? The Powerhouse Preppies? The Warriors? Only the Applause-O-Meter knows for sure.

Also today, Jessie is super-racist against short people, we hear some decidedly rockin' Bach, Mr. B refers to himself as the "Big Bopper" for the first time ever, and Slater just dances and smiles and dances and smiles and smiles and smiles and dances!

Today's Quote

Jessie: "Zack, you don't know what it's like to be the freak. Taller than all the boys. The jokes, the looks, the whispers.

Wait till Showgirls comes out Ms. Spannow - you ain't seen jokes, looks and whispers.

Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame

Casey Kasem's flubbing of this line turns a commonplace lemon into the sweetest lemonade:

Casey Kasem: C'mon everybody! Let's do...the...(looks down, flustered) ... the sprain!

Most Implausible Moment

When the school band rocks their socks off to the tunes of the Big Bach-er, the sound of a mighty saxophone takes center stage.

One problem: There is no saxophone in the room.

"Fat People Are Not People Too" Watch

Mr. Margolies: "Poor Mrs. Wickham slipped and got her head stuck in a tuba."

Slater: "Maybe they should get Fat Tommy to blow her out."

Mr. Margolies: "Good idea."

The incessant mocking of the overweight is not just rampant in the halls of Bayside, it is ENCOURAGED!

Masquerade Ball

2004-08-05T16:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, so today an anonymous series of love letters between Screech and Lisa causes confusion and distrees which probably sounds familiar to you because the EXACT SAME THING happened in Monday's episode, "Love Letters."

Dear Saved by the Bell, While I will admit to finding it charming when you recycle just about every plot from sitcom history, this does not mean that it is cool with me if you recycle one of these plots more than once! That is cheating!

Also in this episode, Ms. Cullpepper, the blind teacher who is so blind that it is clear she can only make out vague shapes and that is probably pretty dangerous and oh yeah it is ironic because she teaches art which is the one subject that blind people probably shouldn't teach, plays the Miss Bliss role in the "I-Don't-Want-To-Date-Mr.-Belding-Misunderstanding." Between her and Mrs. Simpson, Saved by the Bell teaches us that, while wheelchailers are OFF-LIMITS, it is OK to make fun of the blind and deaf.

Also, there are sweet costumes and Mr. B. is a pirate(!) and Slater is an astronaut (but Ginger thinks he is a deep sea diver hahahaha) and he accidentally makes out with Screech dressed as Gumby so for a second I was like, "When did I start watching Velvet Goldmine?" Plus, Lisa loves Zack which is so awkward that it is never ever talked about again (except for the really weird one where they start dating, but I can only take these one at a time people). And Screech does the world's worst Groucho Marx for absolutely no reason.

Whew!

Today's Quote

Tori: I think he's a jerk...and a hypocrite!

Screech: No he's not! He's a Methodist!

Most Implausible Moment

When Tori is in the cat costume pretending to be Lisa while Zack confesses, why does she act like a cat, rubbing her "paws" on her face and meowing?

Why would anyone think that makes any kind of sense whatsoever?

"How'd That Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech: "Can me and my tongue go now?"

The Max Menu Watch

Today's Confirmed Menu Items:

1. Hamburger

2. Turkey Burger

3. Chicken Burger

4. Little Green Peas

The Showdown

2004-08-04T16:38:00.000-04:00

There are many who malign the Miss Bliss years, who say that the Midwestern yokels of JFK Middle School can't compete with the sexy swagger of the Bayside crowd. To those naysayers and jetsetters, I say only this:

Behold the power of DEKE!

This is easily one of my all-time favorites, as Deke the illiterate bully (played by David Boreanaz lookalike Andras Jones, in the role that should have made him a star) wreaks havoc on the idyllic city of Indianapolis and spouts some of the best dialogue in Saved by the Bell history!

Also in this episode, Lisa and Nikki drive me crazy with their stupid fight over Nikki's play about a park ranger that I don't care about because goddammit where the hell is Deke?!!!

Today's Quote:

Mikey: I've got some advice: When Deke hits you, fall on a fat kid.

Jeez Louise, Mikey, fat kids have feeling too!

Saved by the Bell Quote Hall of Fame:

Deke: You know what would make me feel better? Erasing the lines on the basketball court...with your FACE!

Man, I wish I had more Deke, but, except for this piece of 25 karat gold, it's mostly all in the delivery - simply put, Deke has to be seen to be believed.

Most Implausible Moment

Consider the following exchange:

Miss Bliss: "Do your parent's know [that you can't read]?"

Deke: "Who do you think taught me not to read?!"

Wait a second. They TAUGHT you how NOT to read? I, uh, I don't get it.

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Milo: "I even named it - Woody."

Tina: "This is a stage, the show must go on, and Woody's gonna get nailed!"

Whoa.

Oh, and one more thing:

Deke (to Screech, but also, to the world):

"I CAN'T READ! WHY AREN'T YOU LAGHING?! YOU'RE SUPPPOSED TO LAUGH AND THEN I HIT YOU! THAT'S HOW THIS GOES!"

That's right, Deke, let it all out. Just ... let it all out...

Teen-Line

2004-08-03T16:38:00.000-04:00

No, this isn't deja vu! The Saved by the Bell writers liked the idea of a teen-line so much, they don't mind calling it up againl!

This time, though, it ain't just about scheming! You see, painfully earnest biker-chick Tori suggests a "Teen-Line and Rap Room (awesome)" for the mandatory senior class community service project. So, today, along with the comedy, lessons.

Also today, Screech is for no real reason matched with a rambunctious little brother and lameness ensues. Plus, wheelchair basketball!

Today's Quote:

Screech: Rap Room? I love that show! I see Zack - he's a doobie!

Most Implausible Moment

Holy cow! The things Zack says about his handicapped girlfriend? Unbelievable!

A sampling:

Zack (on first date): 'Whoa! You're in a wheelchair!"

Zack (to everybody else: "Now look, Melissa's handicapped but she's really comfortable with it so let's move on, OK?!"

Zack (in movie theater): "Excuse me sir, would you mind slumping down? My date's in a wheelchair!"

Zack (in the rap room): Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice!"

Great Grandma Moses!

'How's This Get Past Standards?" Watch

Screech shoots for two today:

Screech: "...and then my mom bought me this blow-up doll."

-AND-

Screech: "Whenever you have ideas, I end up in my underwear!"

"Dad, Did People Really Talk Like That" Watch

Slater: "All right Prepmeister way to go Amigo give me a fiver!"

Love Letters

2004-08-02T16:38:00.000-04:00

TBS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

Today, the continuity jumped 3 years and into the horrid quagmire that is Tori! Not only that, it was an episode I've already done! Sheesh!

Luckily, there is always the 7-8am slot. So, I bring you a Miss Bliss episode from this morning:

So, today a lame love letter brings about chaste flirtation, impossible misunderstandings, and little to no Mikey Gonzalez. Also, it turns out, Zack is only friends with Screech when conveniant. Boy, I bet he wishes he remembered that one at Bayside.

Today's Quote

Zack: Where are you going, Screech?

Screech: To quell my woman's buring fire!

Most Implausible Moment

The "Miss Bliss" episodes lack the stupendous, mind-boggling implausibility of the Bayside Years, but, if I have to pick something:

For a supposedly super-smart teacher, Ms. Bliss sure has trouble putting this one together.

"No Child Left Behind" Watch

Hunky Substitute Jerry Vick: "Serious thinking? I gave that up years ago. I guess that's why I'm a substitute teacher."

Hahaha. Good one Jerry!

"Saved by the Bell vs. The Collected Works of Charles Dickens" Watch

Topic: Spontaneous Combustion

Saved by the Bell:

Miss Bliss, quoting from Zack's prior excuses (1987): "'My grandmother was reading my homework when she spontaneously combusted.'"

Dickens:

Bleak House (1853): "It was shewn upon the evidence that she had died the death to which this name of spontaneous combustion has been given."

Winner: Saved by the Bell (Score: 1-0)

Dr. Kelly

2004-07-30T16:37:00.000-04:00

In Saved by the Bell land, there's Sports Bar called "Skeeters," which is like "Hooters" without the super-clever name (they're not just talking about OWLS, guys!). But, for this episode to make sense, you have to pretend its actually a brothel with prostitutes who have SEX for MONEY. Because that is the only way to explain the gang's insane reaction when Kelly starts working there.

Also, there is a young prostitute who calls Screech "sugarbritches" so Screech falls in love with her but uh-oh she calls all of her "customers" "sugarbritches" so Screech learns life's most valuable lesson: Not all hookers have a heart of gold. Take it from a man who's learned that one the hard way (zing!).

Couple this with a lame subplot about Mike trying out for the 49ers (complete with dreadfully earnest training montage. Gatorade on Screech's head? Oh no you didn't!), and you have a half-hour of my life that I will never get back. At least I had some hot dogs.

Today's Quote

Slater: ...38 inch waitressess!

Screech: Oh c'mon Slater! Those girls were taller than that.

Most Implausible Moment

Remember that time in college that you and your buddies had such a good time at a bar that you chanted the bar's name all the way home and into your dorm room?

You don't? Huh.

Ack! Watch

Kelly: "You know my mother once burned her bra. She fell asleep and a Virginia Slim fell out of her mouth."

GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN AND ALL THE SAINTS! I hope she wasn't wearing the bra!

Model Students

2004-07-29T16:37:00.000-04:00

Model StudentsMan oh man, the title of this episode should be WELCOME TO NERD CITY! I think we need a price check in aisle hillarity, 'cuz here's what they're sellin' at the nerd-run school store:

Florescent Pocket Protectors (for pajamas)

Refrigerator Magnets Made from Used Retainers

A Clock in a Large Conch Shell

An Autographed Photo of Mr. Rogers (awesome!)

Flesh-Colored Band-Aids for Nerds - Ultra-Pale (the Best Seller)

Also in this episode, some nonsense about modelling and Paris and Zack being the worst boyfriend ever, etc. But, if you're ever watching this episode, you should turn it off after the first 10 minutes and pretend the episode is just about nerds. Glorious nerds!

Today's Quote

Slater: They're called muscles. I got them by bench pressing nerds!

Most Implausible Moment

If Screech took the calendar photos in secret, why are all of the girls posing? What kind of swim practice is this??

One other question: If the nerd-run school store has exactly zero sales in their books, how can they have a best seller?

Nerd Name Update

2 more for the roster:

Norman Hattenbak

Ronald Geekman

There was a third nerd today, but, in a direct nod to Carol Reed's noir classic, this "third man" remains a mystery.

Misc. Name Update

Harriet Hippoman (Kelly's alternate on the swim team)

Hillarious Photo Shoot Dialogue Watch

Adam Trask (to Lisa): "Hip and happenin'...trendy, trendier, trendiest!"

Zack's War

2004-07-28T16:37:00.000-04:00

So, today we learn that in the 90's, the State of California created the ultra-secret "Cadet Corp" in order to actively recruit high school students into the Army. And boy oh boy does the Army look like fun! You get to march around, play in poorly constructed indoor jungle gyms, and stage strange American Gladiator battles with Mr. Belding dressed in spandex and called "Beldor."

Saddam Hussein is never mentioned, but his spector remains...

Also, it's a nerd/jock feast today with major roles for Alan (no pun intended, fatty), Louise, and two guys named Butch and Rocko. Sadly, this is the last we'll ever see of Butch and Rocko, leaving us to conclude that they are currently somewhere along the treacherous border between Pakistan and Afghanastan, looking for nerds to squash.

Today's Quote

Tie!

Resident fatty Alan gets some delicious KP duty with 2 big ones today. Drop and give me funny, Alan!

Alan: Why should I join the Cadet Corp?

Zack: Because the new army serves cake at every meal!

Alan: Slice me in!

-OR-

Zack: Alan! I said HALT!

Alan: I thought you said malt!

Most Implausible Moment

When Molly, the girl of Screech's dreams for one episode only, drops Butch and immediately starts making out with Screech when he wins the big obstacle race, we not only question the scene's plausibility - we question Molly's patriotism!

Ladies, when your hunk goes off to war, it is your patriotic duty stay true to him. The second you go off makin' it with some 4-A nerd who's home working on some nerd nonsense like the Manhattan Project, the terrorists have already won.

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Louise: I'm a human dart ... suck my dust, Slater!

History's Fool Watch

Zack: Hey, lighten up Lieutenant! There's no war. Haven't you heard? Peace broke out all over the world!

So quit yer mewin', Bosnia!

Miss Bayside

2004-07-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

Screech as Miss Bayside? I don't believe it! CRAY-ZEE!

Today, we get to see some truly amazing things:

1. We get to see the Bayside Auditorium - which looks suspiciously like the Bayside movie theater with the lights on.

2. Screech preforms magic as "The Great Screechini," whose big show stopper seems to be a multi-colored handkerchief that simply doesn't end! I mean, how is that possible? Handkerchiefs have to have an end, don't they?

3. Belding sings!

4. Slater drums! Oh man, why oh why won't they rerun Kids Incorporated? That show was just an orgy of Mario Lopez dancin' and smilin' and drummin' and dancin' and smilin'!

5. Finally, we get to see more Kevin the Robot then I know how to deal with! Kevin drinks Root Beer, burps, wears reading glasses, sneezes, and accidentally punches Screech in the face! Just like the robot I was going to build!

Also, for some reason Slater and Screech wear socks and sneakers in the swimsuit competition, but the girls go barefoot. And, it turns out, Jessie is racist against attractive people.

Today's Quote

Zack: Hey Screech, I have something very important to tell you!

Screech: ALF flew back to Melmac?!

Most Implausible Moment

I'd like to see how a Beauty Contest fits in with California State school system's curriculum.

I mean, does it go into the Physical Education or Peforming Arts budget? Can underprivileged students get state-owned swimsuits on loan? Will the PTA be selling Orange Drink in the lobby? How much does the orange drink cost?? HOW MUCH??!

Rent-a-Pop

2004-07-26T16:36:00.000-04:00

Take an angry principal, a scheming student, a busy father and a crazy out-of-work actor and what do you have? A recipe for hilarity! Comedy ensues when Zack's failing grades put his big ski trip in danger! Never fear Zack - Bayside's resident actor, James, happens to be waiting tables at The Max! The only thing he'll be serving up is uproarious comedy when James has to play both Zack's father and Mr. Belding. Starring Jerry Van Dyke as Mr. Belding, Kurt Russell as Zack, Ernest Borgnine as the wacky James, and Introducing Mr. Robert Wagner as Derrick Morris!

Also in this episode, there is an amazing dream sequence where we see that the gang at Bayside will age into either Jewish or Southern Hick-style stereotypical old people! Dottering old people are funny - and young people playing dottering old people? Wooo-doggie!

Today's Quote

Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Most Implausible Moment

A "Cat's in the Cradle" moment appears out of nowhere at the end of the episode, to remind us that a lying, scheming student's dishonesty and failing grades are not the fault of the student. No, the blame for his failure lies squarely on the shoulders of his overworked father.

The sins of the father, Derrick Morris...

Issues of Nerdness Watch

Today, we focus on issues of self-identification and respect. Consider the following two quotes:

Curly Haired Nerd: "We're not happy nerds."

Then, less than a minute later, a nerd takes umbrage at Mr. Beldings' slanderous use of the term "nerd", and says the following:

Non-Descript Nerd: "We're not nerds! We're chess jocks, OK?"

Looks like the nerd community might need a Bill Cosby.

The Poker Game

2004-07-23T16:36:00.000-04:00

The College Years. Ugh.

So, The College Years really only makes sense if you make pretend that the gang goes to an ultra-strict Puritanical New England College sometime in the late 17th Century.

In this episode (which is barely about a poker game), the young Puritans are not allowed to gamble or imbide alcohol or caffinated beverages or think dirty thoughts or whatever in the dorm, so, to play poker, the gang has to get Mike Rogers (aka Rev. Dimmsdale) out of the dorm. They do this by tempting him with sex. It works because man is weak due to original sin and all that. Everyone goes to hell (which is symbolized by the smoke in the dorm when Rev. Mike and his foul temptress burn dinner in the heat of passion, etc.). Screech is Christ maybe. The End.

Also, all the girls take one of those sitcom karate classes where the teacher calls people up and demonstrates absolutely nothing by slamming them down on gym mats. Next!

Today's Quote

Clara (the gross, oversexed cafeteria worker): You know, 2,000 men come in here everyday, but you're the only one who can make my knees buckle and the hair on my back stand up.

Ew.

Most Implausible Moment

The girls cannot play poker because they can only talk about what the proper number of babies to have is and what the gender distribution of that number should be? Really??

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Kelly: [Mike Rogers] touched my bunny.

Driver's Education

2004-07-22T16:35:00.000-04:00

So, I think TBS is showing these out of order, and I can never tell who's dating who. But, no matter, because this episode's plot was crystal clear:

You see, in this episode, Zack is worried that Kelly MIGHT LIKE SLATER MORE due to A PERCEIVED ADVANTAGE that is OUT OF ZACK'S CONTROL. So, Zack comes up with A PLAN that will make Slater LOOK BAD. The plan WORKS ALL TOO WELL/GOES AWRY. Screech SLIPS UP and GIVES THE PLAN AWAY. Zack GETS IN TROUBLE. But Kelly likes Zack MAYBE EVEN MORE because HE WENT TO ALL THAT TROUBLE JUST FOR HER.

Also, today, Mr Belding and Mr Tuttle hate each other because of office politics, and this leads to awkwardness for the viewer. Plus, the writers pull the old "junky-jalopy-transforms-into-awesome-hot-rod" trick, which, as we all know, is a classic variation on the "librarian-takes-off-glasses-and-is-really-hot" gambit. Kudos!

Today's Quote

TIE!

Both of today's quotes made it because they rhyme and rhyming is the best.

Mr Tuttle: Pushy pushy, move your tushy!*

-OR-

Slater: I was in the seat. I'll take the heat.

*Scorecard Alert: That is the second time the word "tushy" has been in a "Quote of the Day"

Most Implausible Moment

Why does Bayside teach Driver's Ed with a strangely ornamented golf cart that ONLY OPERATES IN A CLASSROOM?

Remember the 90's? Watch

Lisa: Yeah right! You'd have better luck trying to get that thing off Gorbachev's head!

Zack: The doctors who worked on Michael Jackson couldn't help this heap.

Kelly: This guy is major weird.

Way cool.

1-900-CRUSHED

2004-07-21T16:35:00.000-04:00

So, today Zack is reading a copy of his teenage millionaire magazine and "Hey, why don't I start a 900-number dating-advice phone line? Uh-oh, Kelly's sister Nicki has a crush on me! Why don't I get everyone to fight so I make more money? Uh-oh the school's gone wackadoo! No Screech, don't tell Mr. Belding about our secret involvement with the Teen Line! Lisa, HELP! Nicki, I like bugs. You like bugs too? I don't really like bugs. I love your sister! Hello Kelly dressed up in wig and glasses!"

Also in this episode: Bubba and Mama start dating (even though I thought they already had). Zack is forced yet again to do an accent (he's Australian today), proving once and for all that he is worse at accents than Rob Morrow and Kevin Costner combined!

Oh, and Nicki has this amazing dream sequence that is Cinderella only with Slater, Zack and Screech dressed up as RUN-DMC and actually rapping! A+++++ WOULD WATCH EPISODE AGAIN!

Today's Quote

Screech hits two out of the park!

Screech: The last time you had a big idea, I wound up with my tongue stuck to a moving airplane.

-AND-

Screech (in deliriously inexplicable surfer dude accent): Like we didn't need to call, because we're two totally together dudes.

Most Implausible Moment

When the Teen Line drama comes to a head and Mr. Manfredi's (where'd this guy come from?) art class fills with Silly String, we are left to wonder: why is there a can of Silly String on every desk?

Dumb Jock Watch

For some reason, Moose (the jock) is dating Louise (the nerd). This is not explained. But, who cares when the outcome is this poem:

The birds and the bees

And the trees

Don't compare to your knees

Louise.

Awesome.

Save the Max

2004-07-20T16:35:00.000-04:00

KKTY - Bayside! Today, the gang discovered that there's a radio station in the basement of the school - you know, the one they'll continue to work for whenever it is narratively conveniant. The radio station was cleverly hidden by some white sheets, so that's why nobody's ever heard of it.

Also, we learn that Dicky Belding was a hippy with a huge ass, which allows for many 60's cliches, plus some anachronistic 50's cliches (the Big Bopper?) for good measure. Also, Slater sucks at radio, but everyone else is super good at it. Also, Screech comes up with the worst Al Bundy impression ever! Out of nowhere!

Today's Quote

Slater: In the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.

Most Implausible Moment

The school district owns The Max? Huh?

"How'd This Get Past Standards" Watch

Screech: 98% of our listeners want it short, fast, and often.

Must be a lot of dudes listening to KKTY.

Saved by the Bell Muzak Watch:

Today's episode has tons of SBTB Muzak, including a song with words!

The lyrics:

"I need your money/I need your love/I need you honey/When-a push comes to shove/I need your mo-ney!"

What?

Going Steady

2004-07-19T16:34:00.000-04:00

This is the episode with the super-hot nurse who's probably the hottest woman in Bayside history. Also, there was a Melvin Nerdly, who, get this, is actually a stud. Plus, Slater is afraid of needles and Jessie is racist against people with glasses. And Screech spent the entire episode in neon green exercise attire.

Oh, and Mrs. Simpson was really deaf, but for a second she had a hearing aid, but that made everything too loud so, after physical comedy-o-rama, off goes the hearing aid. Back to the deaf jokes!

Today's Quote

After Lisa reads her epic poem, "Ode to the Mall," Mrs. Simpson comments:

Mrs Simpson: Thank you, Lisa. I love the Rocky Mountains too!

Most Implausible Moment

Screech was working out to avoid being dead last in the school physicals again this year.

Um, why and how does Bayside rank their student physicals?

PS: Man, that nurse is HOT!

No Hope with Dope

2004-07-16T16:34:00.000-04:00

Get comfy because this one's an all-time fave. While Saved by the Bell is great with normal episodes, when they get preachy, whoa baby! Sitcom heaven!

In this episode, imaginary celebrity Johnny Dakota comes to Bayside to let Zack wear his cool purple jacket and develop an inappropriate relationship with Kelly. Oh and Johnny is clearly in trouble with the law (this remains unspoken) and has to do community service in the form of an anti-drug ad, so, also, Don't Do Drugs!

Only, Johnny likes pot, and he especially likes to uncomfortably force pot on high school students. So, Bayside says bye-bye Johnny, and hello Brandon Tartikoff, who I guess is more famous than an imaginary celebrity. But only a little.

Today's Quote

Screech: I hate drugs, but my doctor says I gotta keep taking them if I want to get rid of my post-nasal drip!

SBTB Quote Hall of Fame

Brandon Tartikoff: Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: Don't Do Drugs!

The Whole Gang: There's no hope with dope!

Most Implausible Moment

You see, Mr. Belding and Brandon Tartikoff went to high school together, right? And Mr. Belding wanted to work in entertainment and Brandon Tartikoff wanted to be a principal (What?). But Mr. Belding won the heart of Becky, the superintendent's daughter, and so he gets to be principal (is that how the California public school system really works?) and Brandon Tartikoff is Chairman of NBC Entertainment (What?). So that is why something something...

SBTB Subtly Imparts a Message

Rhonda: "You wanna know what's dumb? My brother used drugs to get high and drive to the beach. Now I have to drive him. He's in a wheelchair."

Whoa.

Imaginary Celebrity Math

Stone Sutherland = Keifer Sutherland

Luke Diamond = Lou Diamond Phillips

Continuity Watch

For this episode, and this episode alone, Ox is named Scud. I don't know why.

The Prom

2004-07-15T16:33:00.000-04:00

In this episode (which I assume was some sort of season finale), everybody gets paired up. Kelly chooses Zack as her prom date, so, of course, Slater ends up with Jesse, and Screech goes to a movie with Lisa and dumps HER! But, uh-oh and lookout, 'cuz Kelly's dad lost his job at the defense plant (what's a defense plant?) because there's never going to be any more war ever and she gives the Prom money back so her 7 brothers and sisters can eat!

Flash forward to 2004. There's tons of war so Kelly's dad has his job back. Now the Kapowskis can stop living off the Prom money!

This episode also marks the first appearance (I think) of Alan, the cake-obsessed fat nerd. Saved by the Bell - Now with 10% more Fat Kid Jokes!

Today's Quote

Slater's had a good week.

Slater : Why would she want to go with a boy, when she can go with a gladiator?

Most Implausible Moment

What's a defense plant?

Alan Thicke Reference Watch

Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon isn't in this movie?

Screech: Yes! Alan Thicke is the zombie! Everybody knows that!

Blind Dates (or, as it is known in Europe, Screech Probably Has Sexual Intercourse with Mr. Belding's Niece)

2004-07-14T16:32:00.000-04:00

Today's Quote

Jesse: [Lisa] also thinks that Arsenio Hall is where the Lakers Play.

Most Implausible Moment

OK, so Mr. Belding's niece is in town, and he has to find a date for her. Wait, what? Why does he have to do that? Not explained.

So, he has to find a date for her, and Screech says he's free. Ok, so Screech is weird, but he's a good student and a nice guy, right? Well, Mr. Belding doesn't think so. Screech is nixed.

So, Mr. Belding blackmails Zack. The same Zack that he hates and doesn't trust and was just about to suspend for a week? Yup, that's the one.

What???

Strangest Moment (Runner-Up)

When Jesse has her "Dating Game" dream sequence (this is the episode where we learn she is racist against short people), the male suitors are: Teddy Krueger, Mason Vorhees, and Donald Chump(!). I get the first two, but Donald Trump? C'mon, he's not that bad.

Strangest Moment (Champion)

By all acounts, it looks very much like Penny Belding brought Screech home to an empty Belding house to bonk his geeky brains out. As she explains, "He's so hot he makes my teeth sweat." Awesome.

Screech's Birthday

2004-07-13T16:32:00.000-04:00

Another classic!

This one's a personal favorite, because it has extended roles for Kevin the Robot, Mr. Dewey (the best Saved by the Bell character ever), and the amazing Neil the Hall Moniter ("You're a creep!").

Today's Quote

Slater to Neil:

Slater: You scare my hair, skinny!

What?

New Feature: SBTB Quote Hall of Fame

(These quotes are not just episodic highlights, but sthe best line from the enitre series. These are serious business, so this catagory will only appear when warranted.)

The first entry into the Quote Hall of Fame:

Mr. Dewey: You guys can go. The rest of you can watch me practice my Tai Kwon Do

Most Implausible Moment

Um, Screech has a fully-funtional, thinking robot?

Ok, that's it for today. But remember, "Don't mess with the Dew-man!"

Bayside-Valley Prank War

2004-07-12T16:32:00.000-04:00

The Saved By the Bell Quote of the Day returns with a classic:

Quote of the Day

Tie!

Slater: They tushy-tissued our nerds!

-Or-

When Mr. Belding sits on Valley Prinicpal "Stinky" Stigwell's Whoopi-cushioned office chair:

Principal Stigwell: What are you wearing? Toot of the Looms?

Most Implausible Moment

Looking past the fact that Valley seems to be the only high school since the late 1920's to have a living animal as its Mascot AND that kidnapping a HUMAN PERSON seems to be perfectly acceptable in the state of California, today's most implausible moment was when a jar full of ants placed in the Bayside Tiger costume somehow makes the Valley imposter do a series of perfectly executed cartwheels and flips.

Future Career Watch

When Jessie tarts it up during the final cheer, we see the seeds of her masterful performance in "Showgirls." I bet she used this scene as her audition tape. I''ll also bet a few teenage boys have used it for something else. Yow!

Craziest Thing I Have Ever Seen

2004-06-24T16:31:00.000-04:00

Wow. I have just witnessed one of the strangest moments of episodic television that I have ever seen . And, brother, I've watched a lot of TV.

In this College Years episode. a beloved professor dies in the common room of the gang's suite. Then, Zack, Slater and Screech go sky-diving. Oh, and Kelly tells Zack she loves him. Also, the Dean of Students is heartless and cruel. For no reason. At all.

Ouote of the Day

When recounting former acts of bravery committed by one AC Slater, Screech offers:

Screech: What about the time you went on a blind date with my cousin, "Goiter"?

Man alive! Why didn't we get to see that episode?

Most Implausible Moment

This is hard, as the entire episode made little to no sense, but I'll take a stab at it and say that when the beloved Professor tells Zack, for no apparent reason, that his entire career is a sham, the episode enters into its greatest heights of implausibility.

Strangest Moment: When said Professor offers quotations from Mussolini and Napoleon as moral instruction to his students.

As Mr. Belding might say, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??

Potatoes

2004-06-23T16:30:00.000-04:00

OK, so I was dreading having to watch part 3 of the Hawaii Debacle. I have only seen this Saved by the Bell primetime movie once or twice before, I distinctly remember it sucking.

So, imagine my pleasure and excitement when I found a Miss Bliss episode committed to my Supercable memory! And while I understand that this may be controversial, I must say that I find the Miss Bliss episodes to be delightful! Thank you, Supercable!

So, without further ado, The Great Potato Stock Market Disaster!

Today's Quote

Milo, King of Janitors, on potatoes:

Milo: Potatoes go with everything - you can boil 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, fillet 'em - they're the food of the 90's.

Most Implausible Moment

Easily the ending, when Miss Bliss hands the class a phone book and tells them to get selling the 3000 lbs. (!) of potatoes that she bought on margin.

After they call the supermarket and some maybe some local restaurants, who the hell does she expect them to call?

"Hello, Mr. Carey, this is Mikey Gonzalez from the John F Kennedy Middle School here in Indianapolis. Could I interest you in a pound of potatoes?"

School Song

2004-06-22T16:30:00.000-04:00

The School Song episode. Hoooray!!

Today's Quote

The nerds take it again:

Louise: A day without music is like a day without trigonometry!

Most Implausible Moment

Oh which to pick, which to pick!

Is it when Screech allows the Lisa, Slater and Tori to completely change his song with nary a complaint? Is it when Screech's Home at Our School ties Zack's Cool School, meaning that the Bayside student population is exactly half nerd? Is it the fact that Zack's Cool School is easily the least Glee Club friendly song in the world?

I'm going to go with this: How is it that every student at Bayside seems to be able to play the piano?

Mr. Belding's Baby

2004-06-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

Today's Quote

When Screech and Mr. Belding are in Mr. B's office right as the earthquake begins:

Screech: It's a volcano!

Most Implausible Moment

Looking past the absurd premise and the fact that the Belding baby seems to have been born without any after-birth mess or an umbilical cord, I'm going say that today's most implausible moment is Slater's ridiculous karate kick when he kicks down Mr. B's door.

Looks like all those viewings of "The Karate Kid" have paid off there, A.C.

Awesome.

Also of note: Today is the second time in a week that the SBTB writers used the "What's the number for 911?" gag. Let's see if we can go for three, guys.

Perfect Mate

2004-06-17T16:30:00.000-04:00

I had Hot Dogs today for lunch, and they were delicious and totally awesome. Almost delicious enough to take my mind off the fact that I was watching "The College Years." Almost.

First off, has there ever been a more ill-advised gambit in the history of network television programming than "Saved by the Bell: The College Years?" Possibly, but not very many.

Today, the hack writers couldn't even milk laughs out of Screech paired with an infatuated chimpanzee? Are you kidding? Even a chimpanzee could milk laughs out of Screech and a chimpanzee!

Theory: Any TV show that can't milk laughs out of a chimp deserves to be cancelled, because everybody knows that chimps are the funniest thing ever.

Corollary: Based on that theory, Lancelot Link: Secret CHIMP should be the funniest television program ever made. And, indeed, it is.

Today's Quote

While discussing a "Perfect Mate" computer dating program test:

Screech: I took one of those tests once - it said my perfect mate was Whoopi Goldberg!

Most Implausible Moment

Remember before, when I was talking about the chimp?

Tori the Biker Chick

2004-06-16T16:29:00.000-04:00

OK, so today was the first episode of the almost unbearable Tori season. But, for you, the reader, I will suffer through the next week or so, enduring this completely inconsistant character (she's a tough biker chick - except that she isn't at all) and the horrible (even by SBTB standards) and annoying performance by Ms. Leanna Creel (who is not only a twin, as we all know from when she and her sister dated Steve and Brandon on 90210, but is a triplet! Sheesh!).

Couple this with the fact that every Friday seems to feature 2 episodes of The College Years, and I've got a rough week ahead.

Quote of the Day

Tie! Both occur in Belding's office at the initial planning meeting for the Fall Ball. When Ox, the refreshments manager, is asked what he has planned for refreshments, he exclaims:

Ox: Beef Jerky and guacamole dip!

And, when Lisa's plans for "Fall in Paris" theme is deemed too expensive, Big Pete offers this suggestion:

Big Pete: How about a Math Theme - where people come dressed as their favorite numerals!

Theory: The relationship of the three main male leads (Zach-Slater-Screech) is echoed in the relationship between the three nerds, where Big Pete is the Nerd Zack, the black nerd is nerd Slater, and the tall, gawky nerd is Nerd Screech.

Most Implausible Moment

While not really a moment, a question permeates this episode and every Tori episode hereafter:

Where the hell are Kelly and Jessie?

Screech's Sauce

2004-06-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

Today's quote:

Tie! It was either:

Screech: Darn, I forgot my Uncle Fester wallet!

-or-

Mr. Belding: Mrs. B. just loves your commercial. "The sauce you can-a have, but the secret, she's a-mine!" HA-ha!

Theory: Any time Mrs. B. is mentioned, it is comedic gold.

Most Implausible Moment of the Day:

When the lawyer from Betsy Crocker's cookbook serves Screech a cease and desist letter in THE FRONT HALL OF BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL.

What, Screech doesn't have a home mailing address?

The First Post

2004-06-14T16:22:00.000-04:00

Now that it is summer, I eat lunch at home, which means that I will be watching at least one episode of Saved by the Bell a day, which in turn means I will try to find one nugget of Saved by the Bell gold a day!

Today's quote:

Screech: "Gift Wrap? Isn't that MC Hammer's new song?"